We have all heard the saying, "Life is what you make it." We also know the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I to both typically say, "Fuck off."
I am one that holds great optimism in the lives and dreams of others. I am of great support to people and can either be the voice of reason, or the one pushing you to just jump. For my own life I feel these words and attitudes are definitely in my head, and goals that I would love to truly, truly live by. Instead I keep them in my head and only let them into my heart when occasional break opens up in the traffic of my mind.
I'm always seeking growth, spirit and enlightenment, yet I rarely seem to hold onto what I do find. Instead I am distracted by daily nuances or major life changes.
Now, life is never easy. We all struggle, we all cry, we all encounter obstacles in life. Some of us have had a mindset of perseverance and not let troubles get in our way. I know many wonderful people with this strong mindset and positive attitude. I adore and envy these people. I wish I had this. Instead, I have tried and given up, fallen down, laid in the dirt and taken time to get back up, then repeated the same thing years later. I have often been told that I am strong since I have overcome the things I have gone through, yet I have never thought of myself as strong. I always think of myself as weak, yet stubborn.
With the recent diagnosis of emphysema, I have not handled this well. I decided I would just think of this as living with diabetes or something to that nature. Instead I have dwelled upon what lays ahead, the struggles that my doctor has told me I will encounter, the medicines I will have to stay on for the rest of my life. I have cried and isolated because my lung tests have gotten worse, my breathing less abled than what I am used to. I have drank more than usual, eaten more than usual, not treated my body the way I should be treating it, particularly now. I by no means am going to die now, but I am pissed. I am pissed that after almost dying two years ago in May, I get this. I survive for this? I am enraged and I don't understand and I hate the loss of control over my body. Somewhere inside this muck around my soul, I felt destined for some sort of greatness, whether it be love or laughter or to simply touch the lives of others. I felt SOMETHING wonderful was to happen. Now I just feel angry.
This weekend has been weird. I have been in tune to more coincidences, seen many truths and had many a mind blowing revelation that wasn't always pretty. Now I just feel raw to the world. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of crying and asking why me? I'm tired of feeling like a fucking victim. I want to take my life back. I want to be one of those people that surpass the expectations of others. I want to inspire and touch people's lives. I want to feel free, to feel love, to feel content in where the universe takes me despite it's road blocks.
I'm done. I'm done with with acting like a sissy. It's time for a new path, and I WILL take it on full speed ahead.
-Heather
