What do you do when you leave your past, but your past won't leave you? I have always tried to convince myself that I do not regret my past, that everything I have done, good and the bad, has made me who I am. While I earnestly believe this to be true, I also wouldn't mind erasing quite a bit of it.
Sometimes the past needs to be reapproached.....
I went to my ex-boyfriend of nine year's ago, show on Monday night. As mentioned before, things ended really ugly. The band he's in came through town and I went out to Tacoma to see them. It was so strange to see him, as it didn't seem like a near decade had gone by. It was really good to talk and I apologized for my behavior and how it ended back then. We had a nice conversation and he wished me well in my life. His band was great and afterwards I drove home feeling really happy and at peace. The experience made made me feel that everyone should be made to face people they've hurt after ten years or near there. Everyone's hopefully grown up by this point and can see their part and make changes from the mistakes they've made. I'm so grateful that I had that opportunity and would love to clear up more of my side of the street.
And sometimes the past is better left buried in the past.....
I had a girls' night last night and it was really great to hang out with April, Vanessa, Chad & Lorrel. People are married, getting married and/or having babies and everyone is just mellowing out quite a bit and our schedules are kind of crazy, so it's more difficult to all get together nowadays. We all laughed a lot and ate and drank a little. After we were edged out of there, Vanessa, Chad & I headed over to a trashy dive bar in the same parking lot. This place apparently used to be a Skipper's, as the door still had the port hole window, and much of the decor inside was reminiscent of the days of Skipper's restaurants. We sat at what appeared to be the only table open, which was right next to the bar. We all sat and looked around at the trashiness before us, the sweet sound of drunken, off-key karaoke being sung in the next room and then I saw him.
The man sitting at the bar right behind Vanessa was a guy who used to be one of my friends all throughout junior high and most of high school, and I slept with him. In fact, he was the second man I ever slept with, and he lost his virginity to me. It was horrible. We were both so drunk and the story need not be repeated at all, but I will just say that the experience was ugly and humiliating, as was the aftermath. I haven't seen him in 15 years, and I wish it would've stayed that way.
I sat there freaked out and my friends kept asking me what was going on, but I couldn't tell them until he and his friends left. Just getting up and going to get a beer was freaking me out. I didn't want to be in view of him at all. I didn't want him to see me or knew I even existed at all. I felt so fearful, and though this may seem really simple, it's not. My past is often ugly and degrading and this was one of the worst. It just really stirred up a lot for me. Even in knowing I am no longer that person, I felt like I met the old me last night and I didn't like it.
Recently, I discussed with some friends about the fact I was starting to feel like I was ready to stay here and settle in. My life has changed drastically this year, and I have to make sure I have insurance, so it just seems good for me to sit still while the doctor and I get my health figured out. I need to get to a point where it can improve enough to stay on a maintenance program with my medication and lifestyle. I felt that maybe staying here and doing that would be good. I felt like maybe I would be running away if I left here.
Now, I believe I have to run away to get a fresh start. The theme song from Cheer's echoes in my head at the moment, "Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name..." Uhhhh. No. I'd like to go where no one knows my name, or at least no one knew it before I was 25. I need a fresh start.
And now we come back to where to go?
