I was watching TV after I got home from a birthday dinner tonight, and in the show this guy had supposedly died from slipping in the shower and hitting his head on the faucet. Chills ran down my spine in disgust and horror, as I am terrified of dying naked. Trust me, I know you are saying the same thing most people say to me when they hear of this fear...What does it matter? You'll be dead?
I know this, but I can't help but wonder if my soul will still be floating around long enough to hear the paramedics or poor soul who finds me, comment on the scar tissue left from my breast reduction; or the small birthmark on the back of my upper thigh that my fellow beachgoers would shout that I had poo on my leg when I was a kid; or the body that is not grotesque, but definitely not worth flaunting (though I'm always told I'm ridiculous about this); or that I have too many freckles. I just don't want anyone seeing me naked when I'm dead, particularly in a bad naked pose.
On the show they were saying how many deaths occur in people's bathrooms. How dangerous and how common this is. I know this to be true my friends. I have survived the dangers of the tub and have lived to tell the tale. And now I tell...
Before my ex-husband and I moved in together, he was living at my friend Tony's house. There was only one bathroom upstairs that was shared, but had a pocket door separating the toilet and shower from the sink area. My ex-husband was repulsed by the idea of sex when having your period. However, I'm not because that is often when my hormones are out of control. One month I was feeling quite amorous and I was almost done with my period and presented my sales pitch to him.
"I'm almost done, it's barely going, and if we go in the shower you'll never know it's there."
He thought about it and finally agreed to go through with it so long as it stayed in the shower. So in the shower we went. We shut the sliding door in the tub and play time began. Everything was fine for a while and then it happened! During a shift in positions I saw it. Blood! Blood on his junk! Not a lot, but enough. Oh God! This can't be happening! He will freak out and run and scream if he sees it. What to do? The water from the shower head wasn't really hitting that area, so it was unlikely it would quickly wash off. Then I knew what I had to do.
I quickly sprung at his junk. I reached forward and grabbed it and swiped the blood from him before he could see it. The problem is, when I sprung forward, I lost my balance. I overcompensated my leap at my man's junk and threw my arms back to regain my balance, but instead I threw myself against the wall and smacked into that. I then bounced off the wall and BAM! I hit the shower door, which came out of the slider with my naked body following suit. The shower door landed on the bathroom floor with a loud crash and I landed on top of it in what was likely a combined fetal position and a turtle on it's back.
And you can't tell me if that had killed me, there wouldn't have been some nasty comments over my over-showered corpse.
