NUVA RAGE

What could be that bad you say? Well, let me preface it by saying the cause of this is one of three things:

1) The Nuva Ring - I've had this hormonal ring stuck in my coo for a week now and I will say that though my mood and demeanor were already troubled, it has severely shifted for the worse in the last week. Being that I haven't been on any birth control in a long time, and now have sacrificed my coo to the Gods of Estrogen in search of a painless period. My friend told me she went crazy on this, but it took four months for the crazies to hit. Me...a week, so maybe I can't blame it, but seriously my friends, isn't "Nuva Rage" the coolest term ever?

2) Full Moon - I can't tell if it's full tonight, or was full last night, but it was pretty damned full on my way home tonight. AND it was yellow. Yellow moons that are big and almost full always signify evil and chaos.

3) Abstinance - Let's face it, I may have chosen to go long enough to where I should be institutionalized at this point. I can be put in the corner of a padded room with a phallic popsicle in a comfy gown and slippers, farting and laughing.

Now, you ask me why I think I've snapped? Hmmmm. I cried in Superman the other night, I told my mother I was going to put my father in a home so I wouldn't ever have to deal with him (all based on me having to pick him up unexpectedly from the airport), I canceled all plans that would put me out in public because I am convinced I am too hideous to be seen in public, the lint/spider freak out last night, obsessions with barley, I am living off Benadryl so I don't have an allergy attack and it's making me too stoned to work, and then today...today was the icing on the cake.

I worked a half-hour later than usual. All was mellow by the end of the day and I was going to head to my friend Vanessa's to go walk the lake and hang out. I was in a decent mood. Then I saw it.

I couldn't get in the driver's side of my car.

Some asshole had parked IN my parking space. Yes, it's small spaces and all, and I could squeeze by in annoyance if they were just close to the parking space line, but that is not what this car did. They crossed the parking line and ate into my space that I had carefully parked in to avoid being too close to anyone. They were a good six inches IN my parking space. Let's put it this way. I couldn't fit my FOOT between the Saturn Vue and my car. I was livid pissed!

I go to the passenger side of my car and throw my gym bag and purse onto the floor. I'm about to crawl over to the passenger side, when the possession hits. Next thing I know I have taken a piece of paper off my floor (after double-checking that no identifying marks are on the paper) and find myself writing the following note:

"You fucking asshole! I can't believe you are so fucking stupid that you can't see the goddamned lines of your parking space to see you're in my space. There is no way you couldn't have seen you completely blocked me in you stupid, fucking, cock sucker. Next time, try not to drink before you park your fucking car you shithead. Fuck you!"

I walk over to the driver's side and am shaking and I put the note under the windshield wiper. I walk back to the passenger side, crawl in and over into the driver's side, roll down my window and carefully back out since I only have mere inches between the asshole's car and mine. As my window passes the back passenger side of their SUV, the possession takes over again and next thing I know I have hocked a big ol' loogie on this person's car, "humph" at the situation and drive out of the garage shaking in rage.

I get to the parking gate and the woman in front of me is driving VERY slow and staring in her side mirror, and I am now convinced she saw me and is going to rat me out. Fear ensues. Is it illegal to spit on a car? Is there a maximum number of curse words one can use in a note? Did I say anything threatening? No, I'm good there. And within five minutes I'm sweating now. I am reflecting on what just happened and feel like a big piece of shit. Oh my God, what did I just do?

In the next hour on my way to Vanessa's, I call April and confess. I leave a message for Shannon telling her what happened. I call Amy and confess. I call Chad and leave him a voicemail telling him I too spit on a car in anger (he did so the other night at a car that was taking up two spots). I was so ashamed and Amy confirmed I'd snapped. April said it was a good thing I didn't take out my Nuva Ring and throw it on the car. A moment of regret of not thinking of this sooner flashed briefly through my mind.

It could have been worse.

Thing is, once I got to Vanessa's and we walked around the lake and I confessed to her as well and we laughed and talked about life, I felt better. Maybe I just needed to get outside. Maybe it just took some exercise, some barley & fruit, and a glass or two of wine to make me go, "Nuva Who? On the Saturn Vue?" I feel horrible!

When will it stop, this thing called Nuva Rage?