UPSIDE DOWN...BOY YOU TURN ME, INSIDE OUT...
December 6. 2006
at 15:46
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
I'm having a major panty issue. About twice a week I go pee for like the second or third time in a day, and that's when I notice it...they're inside out. How does this happen? I dress myself in the light every morning and have been really double-checking my panties each morning to make sure I'm putting them on right, but somehow I think they flip around when I'm not looking. That's seriously the only logical explanation here.
This has been happening for about five years, ever since my ex-husband and I divorced. Maybe him or the marriage held the key to stable panty putting on. At least they're only inside out. There was one day that I was at work a few years ago and my underwear was killing me, I'm talking weggie in my coo. It was painful and I would dig them out, but within seconds they were attempting their impersonation of the jaws-of-life again. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I ran to the bathroom to remove them. That's when I made the discovery. I was wearing a thong and had not put them on inside-out, but sideways. Yes, my friends I had the crotch on my hip and the thin, hip strap was living out the term "South of the Border". I had my own Great Wall of China-town.
Now, in all of this sideways, inside-out pantiedom I have to appreciate that at least my mistakes were hidden. However that has not always been the case. Today in discovering my panties were once again inside-out, it reminded me of a very dark night. A night that is rarely spoken of......
This has been happening for about five years, ever since my ex-husband and I divorced. Maybe him or the marriage held the key to stable panty putting on. At least they're only inside out. There was one day that I was at work a few years ago and my underwear was killing me, I'm talking weggie in my coo. It was painful and I would dig them out, but within seconds they were attempting their impersonation of the jaws-of-life again. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I ran to the bathroom to remove them. That's when I made the discovery. I was wearing a thong and had not put them on inside-out, but sideways. Yes, my friends I had the crotch on my hip and the thin, hip strap was living out the term "South of the Border". I had my own Great Wall of China-town.
Now, in all of this sideways, inside-out pantiedom I have to appreciate that at least my mistakes were hidden. However that has not always been the case. Today in discovering my panties were once again inside-out, it reminded me of a very dark night. A night that is rarely spoken of......
I was twenty-six and married at the time. Jacob and I were living out near the base of the Cascades in a small town called Gold Bar. We were isolated from all our friends and spent a good chunk of time in our cars traveling the long way to work and to friends' homes.
This particular night, Tony was having a party at his house. We got bundled up for the chilly night and hopped in his Jeep and took off for the long drive to Tony's. An hour later we were there with drinks in hand hugging our precious friends. However, it was different this night. There were a bunch of 18 and 19-year olds there. Tony was dating one of them, and had befriended his friends and invited them over. I was irritated by this and drank a little more than I should have.
Amy and I sat outside smoking and drinking and I noticed two girls who seemed to be sneering at us.
"What the fuck is going on here tonight," I asked Amy. "Are we the only people here that can legally drink? "
She agreed and we discussed this for a while. I noticed the girls glaring at us and stood up and motioned for Amy to follow me. We went inside and remained annoyed at this. Now, I must quickly note that these two girls are now two of my closest friends and I learned that night to shut the fuck up sometimes and not judge so quick.
The night went on and I was absolutely trashed. I stumbled over to Jacob.
"Honey, can we go home? There's too many minors here, and I want to go home and play."
We said our good-byes and he got in the Jeep and I crawled in, in my drunken glory and flailed about to find the seatbelt. I can't remember our conversation, but we started messing around while he was driving. Somewhere in all of this, my pants came off. We continued messing around and exited in Monroe.
"Lets rent porn!" I yelled.
Now, this was not a rare thing for me to suggest when I was trashed with Jacob. There was an adult store we'd passed before in Monroe, so we decided to pull off there. I struggled to get my jeans back on and go find me some porn.
We got out of the Jeep and let me tell you, if I didn't know I was drunk before, I knew it then. It was that kind of drunk where you're obviously stumbling and desperately trying to struggle to walk a straight line. I couldn't see straight and was alternating squinting and trying to keep my eyes wide open. Upon entering the store, I noticed it was a busy porn night.
Jacob headed down the aisle and I swayed behind him squinting at the titles. That's when I noticed it, people were staring. Not just the quick glance, but GAWKING at me. Like mouths hanging open, shaking their heads. I stumbled over to Jacob and in an unintentional "loud" whisper, began to speak.
"Jacob! People are staring at me! Do I have a booger on my face?"
"No."
"Then why are they staring at me? I mean, fuck! They're ALL renting porn! What are THEY looking at?"
"Heather, you are smashed."
"Is it that obvious?"
"Yes."
"Jacob I have to pee. Do they have a bathroom here?"
"If so, this is the last bathroom I suggest you use."
"Okay. I'm going to walk over to the Chevron. Will you pick me up there?"
"Sure. I'll be there soon."
I turned around quickly, almost falling, and took my drunk ass out the door. Swaying all over the parking lot, I finally made it to the Chevron. I walked in, took two steps and all five people in there stopped what they were doing and stared at me. The guy making his purchase at the counter's jaw dropped in horror.
"Yes, I know I'm drunk." I muttered. I was getting angrier and angrier about the stares. I mean, this was Monroe! Monroe is full of drunks and convicted felons. What is wrong with seeing a drunk girl? It's nothing new here.
I stumbled to the bathroom and locked the door. By this time I really had to pee. I walked over to the toilet and reached for my zipper. Oh my god, where's my zipper? I was afraid to look down because I was drunk enough to eat shit if I leaned over. I reached again. I could feel the zipper, but there was nothing to pull it down with. I had to do it. I had to look.
I looked down and screamed.
The first thing that alerted me was the fact that my pockets were hanging out of my pants. Not pulled out, but were on the front of my pants. I had put my pants on inside out. I walked into a fucking porn store with my pants inside out! I wanted to die.
It took me a while, but I figured out how to unzip them and scrambled out of my pants. I had no clue how I'd managed to not only put them on inside out, but actually got them fully zipped! I turned my pants right-side-out and slid them back on, peed, zipped them back up and washed my hands.
Oh my god, I had to walk back out there with my pants now corrected. I didn't know which was worse, walking in with them inside-out, or walking in like that, and then walking out with them on right-side-out. I opened the door and walked as fast as my double-vision would let me. Jacob was waiting outside in the Jeep.
"You asshole!"
"What?" he asked defensively.
"MY PANTS WERE ON INSIDE-OUT! I WAS IN AN ADULT VIDEO STORE WITH MY PANTS INSIDE-OUT!" I yelled. "Didn't you notice?"
"No! Are you serious?"
"Yes Jacob. There is no way you couldn’t have noticed! My pockets were like little flags alerting the public that we fucked around in the car and I was too drunk to put my pants on right!"
I wanted sympathy. I was met with hysterical laughter.
This particular night, Tony was having a party at his house. We got bundled up for the chilly night and hopped in his Jeep and took off for the long drive to Tony's. An hour later we were there with drinks in hand hugging our precious friends. However, it was different this night. There were a bunch of 18 and 19-year olds there. Tony was dating one of them, and had befriended his friends and invited them over. I was irritated by this and drank a little more than I should have.
Amy and I sat outside smoking and drinking and I noticed two girls who seemed to be sneering at us.
"What the fuck is going on here tonight," I asked Amy. "Are we the only people here that can legally drink? "
She agreed and we discussed this for a while. I noticed the girls glaring at us and stood up and motioned for Amy to follow me. We went inside and remained annoyed at this. Now, I must quickly note that these two girls are now two of my closest friends and I learned that night to shut the fuck up sometimes and not judge so quick.
The night went on and I was absolutely trashed. I stumbled over to Jacob.
"Honey, can we go home? There's too many minors here, and I want to go home and play."
We said our good-byes and he got in the Jeep and I crawled in, in my drunken glory and flailed about to find the seatbelt. I can't remember our conversation, but we started messing around while he was driving. Somewhere in all of this, my pants came off. We continued messing around and exited in Monroe.
"Lets rent porn!" I yelled.
Now, this was not a rare thing for me to suggest when I was trashed with Jacob. There was an adult store we'd passed before in Monroe, so we decided to pull off there. I struggled to get my jeans back on and go find me some porn.
We got out of the Jeep and let me tell you, if I didn't know I was drunk before, I knew it then. It was that kind of drunk where you're obviously stumbling and desperately trying to struggle to walk a straight line. I couldn't see straight and was alternating squinting and trying to keep my eyes wide open. Upon entering the store, I noticed it was a busy porn night.
Jacob headed down the aisle and I swayed behind him squinting at the titles. That's when I noticed it, people were staring. Not just the quick glance, but GAWKING at me. Like mouths hanging open, shaking their heads. I stumbled over to Jacob and in an unintentional "loud" whisper, began to speak.
"Jacob! People are staring at me! Do I have a booger on my face?"
"No."
"Then why are they staring at me? I mean, fuck! They're ALL renting porn! What are THEY looking at?"
"Heather, you are smashed."
"Is it that obvious?"
"Yes."
"Jacob I have to pee. Do they have a bathroom here?"
"If so, this is the last bathroom I suggest you use."
"Okay. I'm going to walk over to the Chevron. Will you pick me up there?"
"Sure. I'll be there soon."
I turned around quickly, almost falling, and took my drunk ass out the door. Swaying all over the parking lot, I finally made it to the Chevron. I walked in, took two steps and all five people in there stopped what they were doing and stared at me. The guy making his purchase at the counter's jaw dropped in horror.
"Yes, I know I'm drunk." I muttered. I was getting angrier and angrier about the stares. I mean, this was Monroe! Monroe is full of drunks and convicted felons. What is wrong with seeing a drunk girl? It's nothing new here.
I stumbled to the bathroom and locked the door. By this time I really had to pee. I walked over to the toilet and reached for my zipper. Oh my god, where's my zipper? I was afraid to look down because I was drunk enough to eat shit if I leaned over. I reached again. I could feel the zipper, but there was nothing to pull it down with. I had to do it. I had to look.
I looked down and screamed.
The first thing that alerted me was the fact that my pockets were hanging out of my pants. Not pulled out, but were on the front of my pants. I had put my pants on inside out. I walked into a fucking porn store with my pants inside out! I wanted to die.
It took me a while, but I figured out how to unzip them and scrambled out of my pants. I had no clue how I'd managed to not only put them on inside out, but actually got them fully zipped! I turned my pants right-side-out and slid them back on, peed, zipped them back up and washed my hands.
Oh my god, I had to walk back out there with my pants now corrected. I didn't know which was worse, walking in with them inside-out, or walking in like that, and then walking out with them on right-side-out. I opened the door and walked as fast as my double-vision would let me. Jacob was waiting outside in the Jeep.
"You asshole!"
"What?" he asked defensively.
"MY PANTS WERE ON INSIDE-OUT! I WAS IN AN ADULT VIDEO STORE WITH MY PANTS INSIDE-OUT!" I yelled. "Didn't you notice?"
"No! Are you serious?"
"Yes Jacob. There is no way you couldn’t have noticed! My pockets were like little flags alerting the public that we fucked around in the car and I was too drunk to put my pants on right!"
I wanted sympathy. I was met with hysterical laughter.
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