There are many of us who feel that we're here for a higher purpose. Whether to inspire, love, change lives, or simply just make people laugh. I came to a point some time ago where I felt that I was here for a reason. I wasn't sure what the reason was, but I felt like it was something good and had to do with either bringing about smiles or simply making people shake their head.
After today, I am convinced that goes beyond that. I believe that I am a mythical creature disguised as a human. There is simply no way that I can explain the things that happen to me with reason. I have wings like a fairy, though one of my shoulder blades is double-jointed and can grotesquely rotate without me moving it. And I have no horn jutting out of my forehead, though some could debate that from the god-awful nose I inherited.
The mysteries of the things that I experience are one that belongs in dirty fairy tales that you can only purchase online. Tales of poo-nicorn. So with that, I share my story.
I have not shit in three days. I was all regular for some time since being here, which I was ecstatic about. Alas, it was not to last for long. I've been far from regular and end up bloated and cramping before it all piles up and decides that my body is no longer a fun place to live. I'm quite sure that the wine builds up and threatens war, forcing the stool to wave their white flag and head for the hills, or in my case, the toilet.
It was a day of gifts and festivities at work. Tons of goodies, a lunch at the local steakhouse, and then back to gnoshing on more goodies. About 4:30, the poo was knocking on my door. My mom was gone and I needed someone to answer the phone. I decided to hold it.
"Knock! Knock! Knock!"
The poo was becoming angry.
"Let us out! We have a not-so-sweet sweet potato and some chocolate-covered pretzels that want to go for a swim!"
Hush, my tummy. Hush.
"Let us out bitch! Quick! Someone grab the rice krispie treat! He's a bit bristley and can rough her up!"
I felt the rice krispie treat retreating and then bum-rush me. This was not good. I had no time to waste. I went to ask the only other person in the office, which was the co-owner of the company, if she could grab the phones. Right then I saw my mom pull up. I ran outside.
"Get in here! Hurry! Hurry! I have to go to the bathroom!"
"Well Heather, just go!"
I ran for the toilet and unloaded days worth of unhappy food. I think I lost five pounds, and at the very least, my spirits were lifted. Thank god I was no longer full and bloated! I wiped and wiped, pulled up my panties and jeans and went to flush. It was struggling quite a bit to take my gift to the septic tank. The shit went down, but the toilet paper wedged up, all struggling to get through the hole and gathered. It looked like I shoved a hand towel in there. And then the water level rose too high and stopped.
"Damn it!" I looked around for a plunger, but there was nothing. I exited the bathroom and looked in the closet, but still no plunger sat wanting to save me.
I went into my mom's office, leaned down, and in a loud whisper while giggling said, "I shat a baby and broke the toilet!"
She started to laugh and got up to help me find a plunger. She opened closets and looked in the men's bathroom, but still no plunger. She looked at me and told me we were going to have to ask Karen.
Now, Karen is my boss's wife and the co-owner of the company. She is a very cool person, but also a very classy lady that I can't imagine I could speak of poo to. I hung my head down and walked to her office, shaking.
"Uh, Karen. I'm really embarrassed about this, but I've had quite an embarrassing toilet."
Yes, I said "toilet" instead of "moment"
She laughed and I quickly explained I'd broken the toilet and needed a plunger. She joined my mother and I in what turned into a full-scale search-and-rescue for a plunger. Karen even went into the basement to search, but once again, no plunger.
At this point, humiliated and feeling sick from all the goodies I'd eaten, I was open to whatever. My mom said that since it'd been sitting a while, maybe I could flush it again and the toilet paper would go down. Karen then says how she had a friend who always used too much toilet paper, and how she always left a plunger out for this friend, who ended up using it. I wanted to exclaim, "It asn't the toilet paper! I shat a baby and it's blocking the TP!"
I decided to try another flush and prepare to turn off the water if necessary. My mother stood outside the open bathroom door, me hunched down with one hand on the flusher and the other on the water shut-off valve. I flushed and the water rose higher towards the top. I turned the valve as fast as I could and water started leaking out of it onto my hand. I didn't think I'd make it before the water overflowed.
"SHHHHHIIIIIIITTTTTT!!!" I screamed.
Right then my boss Randy walked into the office and sees me cursing over the toilet.
"What the HELL is going on?"
My mom laughed and I shook my head and accepted that nothing would ever be the same there. I cleaned up, Karen promised to bring in a plunger tomorrow, and I crawled out with the last ounce of pride I'd managed to keep through it all. The boss had seen me screaming into a toilet, and I wished to go back home to the land I'd never been to, but knew I belonged in. A land of unicorns and fairies and trolls. A land where I could romp amongst my fellow poo-nicorns.
