I have just now decided that I am officially fucked in the head. I've had many realizations like this recently, but now I think the full impact is hitting me. I was outside reading a book and I started shaking, my heart racing, and I felt that impending doom. I'm not happy.
This move has been the biggest adjustment I've ever had to make in my life. Even after the divorce, I still had friends that I got to hang out with, and a swimming pool in my backyard. Hell, you think a swimming pool can't cure your woes, you try swimming every night in the dark in 100 degree heat and tell me you don't feel peace. Here I have my family and one friend an hour away who really, truly know me. I've met a couple of new people that I'm getting to know, but nothing beats those who really know you. I love new adventures. I love change. However, this feels like too much for me.
This place is strange. Strange in good ways, but strange in many bad ways. Okay, not really strange, but it's just not me. I'm so damned emotional it's driving me nuts. Granted, I have severe PMS right now on top of a cold that is finally ending, but still! I went and got my hair cut tonight, and the woman does my sister's hair, so she knows some about my move and such. She was asking me how I was handling the change, and I started to tear up! In the middle of being hairsprayed to death, I'm tearing up. So, yeah, hairspray alone scares me, but this wasn't the hairspray this time.
Don't get me wrong, there are certain things I love here, but they are definitely few and far between. I don't want to feel like this, like giving up, but if I had the money and a nice-paying job waiting for me, I'd be running home right now. Amy and I were talking about this last week, and I told her I felt so stupid. Here I've left Seattle three times now, and I've returned twice. Shouldn't THAT have told me something? No, instead I take every little thing in life as a sign, and then go run with it. This time it has left me heartbroken. She told me to look at this as a time of self-reflection, and that at least I'm seeing a lot of things about my life and the decisions I've made. It's true, and with all this "self-reflection" time, I better be a fucking guru by the end of this upcoming year!
I run from things that hurt. Always have. I figure that a move, a new job, different colored hair will change the way I feel, but it doesn't. I know that whole saying, "No matter where you go, there you are," but for some reason I feel the depth of that saying so much right now. I can't run. I mean, if I move back home, am I running from my shit here? I don't know anymore. I think I'm just totally messed up. I desperately miss home; I am terrified at the prospect of breaking my dating/relationship sabbatical that has seriously gone awry; I love who I am on the inside, but despise who I am on the outside; and I am slowly morphing into a hermit/crazy cat lady. My fear of not letting people you love know it because you might never see them again, has gone from me always telling my friends and family that I love them, to me saying it to my cats when I leave! Tonight I was busted saying, "Bye kitties! Momma loves you!" by my new neighbor across from me, as well as his moving men. They looked at me like I was a freak! And the scary thing is, I think I am!
Ugh. I just want to feel normal and happy. I haven't felt truly happy for a while now. And when I do feel happy, I assume I can be happier elsewhere, an pack my car and go. My friend back home is playing a show tonight, and I was sad because I wanted to see him play, and hang out with the other friends going. My friends back home are all doing stuff for New Year's Eve, and I'm longing to be there like I was last year, laughing and trying not to bite it in heels on the steep hills to Pike Place Market where we were last year.
I love New Year's. The clean, fresh plate all ready to see what kind of treat is going to be placed upon it that year. However, this year I feel scared for it. I wonder how much more I really can handle before I snap and run back home? I wonder if something will change and I will start to love this strange place that smells of Burger King, and whose crickets are one of the few things that soothe me at night?
I can only hope that at the end of this new year, my plate will be full with lots of great memories, fun times, life lessons, and laughter. If not, there's always another road trip with the cats cross-country.
