I've heard many a time in this life, "You create your own destiny." I've thought that I've done this. I've moved MANY a time, dated many a man, changed many a job, dyed my hair many a time, made many a promise, and vowed many vows. Where has all of this gotten me? In a strange wonderland of redneckness, hating my surroundings. And you know what? I've created my own destiny.
I can't get into all the details, as they aren't effective in this form. It's something to be shared verbally. I will say that I was given something to watch that woke me up out of this apparent coma I've been in for a very, very long time.
Most of my early life was spent blaming the way I was raised or the circumstances I encountered in my life. I sought therapy over and over and over expecting someone to cure me. While some helped, I simply shifted the blame to myself as I got older. I hated how I looked and blamed my nose, my body, my long-ass chin, my big forehead, etc. for why I was miserable. I said I was ugly and that this was the root of my unhappiness. Nobody would love me because I was ugly, blah, blah, blah. Then when someone would fall in love me, I was so unhappy with myself I'm sure I pushed them away. Then I at least got to the point of loving who I was on the inside and loving those in my life, and being grateful for amazing people. However, I was still on the "I'm ugly. I'm fat." path and berating myself for all the things I never did or started to do and quit...music, college, traveling, etc. So what would I do? I'd move. I'd move to run away from relationships, bad jobs, to recreate my existence. And every time it followed me. I would vow to change things, but nothing changed except my location.
Then tonight, the movie I was given smacked it in my face. I HAVE created my own destiny. I've thrown all my negativity into the universe and it always comes back. When it comes to others I have a lot of optimism most of the time, and am great at support and encouragement, yet I never do this for myself. I sit here in North Carolina saying how much I hate this and hate that. I cry about how much I miss Seattle and my existence there, but when I was there I would cry about how much I hated it there and wanted to move. I've known what I've wanted to do for a very, long time and vow to work on that, but I sit here and watch TV and drink wine and get depressed because I'm not doing anything about anything. So what happened? I created my existence.
Now I feel like I've woken up after what I saw, what I learned tonight. I'm done bitching and moaning. I know what I want. I know where I always come back to when I move for my happiness. I know what I want to do with my life career-wise. I know that I'm not going to make it if I don't shut the fuck about being stuck with my dad's nose, and my long-ass face (okay, I just had to get a final bitch in). Done. I'm done. It's time to do it and create the existence I want.
