HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH

I just got home from work, threw some chicken in the oven and popped on the TV. The channel happened to be on Bravo, and Inside the Actor's Studio was on. Barbara Walters was being interviewed and the first question I hear is, "Is there sex in Heaven?" It then reflects back on an interview with a priest, and he is saying no. He furthers his answer saying how we will be on a different plane, so we won't want to have sex. It then shows an interview with a Muslim where she asks the same question, and he says that yes there will be, that not only will people have a spouse, but many sexual partners as well.

I stood there frozen. I wasn't fond of the Muslim's answer because I think that even when I'm dead I'll be about the monogamy. Always have, always will. However, the Christian's answer terrified me! No sex in Heaven? What the fuck?

Okay, I can understand saying, "No sex with monkeys, no orgies," or something like that? But no sex at all? I want to hear them say, "You will have sex, and it will rock! There will be no sex where you count the dots on the ceiling. You will have no sex with anyone you wake up to the next day and go 'What have I done?' You will have amazing sex with multiple orgasms! Hell, you can even have sex while eating cotton candy! IMPLEMENT the cotton candy!"

Now, I'm not sure what I believe about the afterlife. I'm personally rooting for reincarnation, but let's pretend I think we're all going to go flit about in some Cloud City reminiscent of the one in Return of the Jedi. In pretending that I believe in the stereotype of Heaven, that equals eternity. I grew up Mormon and they believe in an eternal afterlife, amongst many other things. Whenever they would discuss eternity in Sunday School, I would freak out. My heart would pound and I'd feel nauseous. I remember many, many times crying to my mother about it saying, "But what am I going to DO? I don't want to get bored!"

Mormons believe in three Kingdoms of Heaven. Supposed only righteous Mormons can go to the highest Kingdom of Heaven (the Celestial Kingdom), and yes I know, I think it's crap too. When I was growing up in the church I often thought about the afterlife. I would envision myself laying on some cloud, relaxing for a day. Then, knowing how I am, I would grow restless and wander the clouds of Heaven trying to find something to do. I would see people, but since it was all Mormons, it would be really boring. People would invite this wandering soul into their cloud homes where they were canning food, making caseroles, or baking cookies made from scratch. I pictured lots of singing since Mormons tend to sing and play the piano a lot, but none of it would be the music I enjoyed. I would try to tell a fart joke to one of the muffin-baking souls and she would gasp and look around as a bolt of lightening would then strike me.

"Damn it!" my soul would yell, only to be hit with another bolt of lightening.

When I was 12 I started to really question the religion I was being raised in, and by the time I was 14, I no longer believed what I'd been taught about church. Throughout my life, there have been many fights between my dad and I about my leaving the church. He would end up crying saying, "I just want to be with my family in the Celestial Kingdom." In which I would always end up yelling, "If the Mormons are right, I want to go where the FUN people go!"

So the illusion of a potential afterlife changed for me. Throughout the years it continued to change. Sometimes I wonder if there is nothing, and we just die and that's it. Other times I hope it's like the movie "What Dreams May Come" or "Defending Your Life." I really want to come back and do it over though, once again out of my fear of boredom. I ponder what will come at times, but am not stressed or worried about it. I don't believe in burning in Hell. I think that if there is something, so long as you try to live a good life and be a good person, you're going to be okay and enjoy it.

But then I saw the priest today saying, "No sex in Heaven" and it freaked me out! Despite my own convictions, there are things that trip me out and bring back the concerns of eternal boredom from my early years. This was one of them. The first thing I thought was, "Well if I'm not having sex now, I better get into action before I run out of humping!" I mean seriously! What if all these Christians are right and there's no sex in Heaven? They're all about no sex before marriage. So what if they never get married? Or they get married late in life? Or they are only married for ten years? That means IF they get to have sex, it sure won't be for very long in their scheme of things.

If this is correct, my almost 2-year abstinence thing is really going to piss me off! I decided to take a year off in March of 2005 after waking up next to some strange man I don't remember after a very drunken night. After I made it through my year, I decided I would go for it if I found someone worth it. Yeah, I know. I think some prude kind of creeped in during the year or something. Basically, I got tired of a lifestyle I'd lived off and on where I used it for the wrong things sometimes in my life, so I decided to get my head on straight about it, and continue until I found myself in a place where I at least cared about the person a lot. I've had some opportunities and end up stopping it before it gets to that point...because I didn't care about them, though my coo was screaming, "I CARE HEATHER! I CARE!"

So maybe I need to not care again, and start humping? Maybe I'll become some total whore, and my friends will hold an intervention. "Heather, we're concerned because you've become a slut and we never get our pizza on time since you keep jumping him in the hallway." I will laugh and respond, "I appreciate everyone's concern, but I'm single and if the Christians are right, there's no sex in Heaven. I'm getting it while I can."

Hell, I recently started the South Beach Diet and the night before I drank a bottle of wine, ate an entire frozen pizza, and a pint of frozen yogurt...all because I was terrified since I wasn't allowed alcohol, carbs or sugar for two weeks. I became a pig in one night over things I can't have for two weeks! What do you think I'm going to do for something I hear I can't have FOR ETERNITY?!!!

I'm totally going to start humping...

Someday...

With someone I care about...

If that happens.

Okay, yeah so I'm going to be bored forever with a barren desert of a coo. I wonder if you can masturbate in Heaven? Hmmmm...