I JUST LOST MY UNDERWEAR, I DON'T CARE, I'LL GO BARE...

In a world of chaos and confusion, you would think we could at least get the little things straight. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. I don't know why I'm ever surprised when I get confused, or lose things, or have something strange happen, but I am surprised. Whenever my own personal mystery has been solved, I usually end up standing there laughing, thinking "I am 34-years old. Cant' I get this right this time?" No.

I am always losing things. Growing up, I was infamous for always losing one shoe. I would search all over my room frantically for it. When I couldn't find it I would panic, knowing I was going to miss the bus. Running about my room, I would start throwing things around like a madwoman, rather than simply moving something to the left or the right. It was a lovely performance for myself. Once I hit the point of tears, I would hobble down the stairs with my one shoe on my foot, and walk up to my mom sobbing.

"Somebody stole my shoe!"

My mother knew this drill, as it happened at least once a week. "Heather, nobody stole your shoe. Where did you last see it?"

Sniffling I would shake my head adamantly. "No really mommy, somebody stole my shoe! I've looked everywhere for it and it's gone. Somebody stole it!"

My mother, knowing that if I missed my bus, was going to have to drive me to school, would start to get mad. "Heather! Why in the hell would anyone steal your shoe? It's not even the whole pair, but one shoe?"

"I don't know, but they did! They stole it mommy!" I was now in hysterics. I pictured some one-legged pirate sneaking into my room while I slept. Frustrated with getting his peg leg stuck in sewer grates one too many times, he'd had enough. He needed a shoe. Thing is, he couldn't use one of his, as they were too big for a wooden peg. What he needed was a child's shoe, and he had settled on me for his victim.

"Heather! Goddamnit! If I go up there and I find your shoe, I'm going to spank the living daylights out of you! Are you willing to take that risk?" Still sobbing I would nod. "Okay, I'm serious Heather. I'm going up there and if I find it you're in for it."

"But mommy, you won't find it because somebody STOLE it," I screamed through the tears.

That was it for her. She was pissed. She stormed up the stairs with me wailing in tow. Whipping open my door, she would begin the hunt for the shoe. I stood in the doorway still crying hysterically. "See mommy! Somebody stole my shoe! It's nowhere!"

My mother then turned around with the other brown hush puppy in her hand, fire in her eyes. The tears stopped immediately and I ran into the bathroom and locked myself in there. Fucking pirate must've returned it when I was downstairs.

Though the tears have stopped when I lose things, the frustration and panic sometimes don't.

Today I vowed I was going back to the gym after taking three weeks off to be depressed and lay in my bed every night after work. I changed into my workout clothes at lunch and went to the gym. I felt so much better, and was all happy and smiling when I returned to work. I picked up my gym bag and headed into the bathroom to change. I was thinking of random things, and feeling happy as I changed out of my gym clothes. I changed my socks and bra, and then put on my sweater. I just had to put on my jeans and shoes, and it was back to work.

I took off my workout pants, grabbed my jeans and started to slide them on when I suddenly felt very drafty. Why is my butt so cold? I had my jeans halfway up my legs when I realized what was going on...I was missing my panties! How the hell did I do this? I grabbed my butt cheek to make sure I wasn't losing my mind. Bare. MY ASS WAS BARE! Where the hell did my panties go? How long have they been missing?

I looked down into my jeans to make sure they hadn't somehow fallen when I wasn't looking. Nope, no panties. I'm really confused now. I look down at the floor...no panties. I search through my gym bag...no panties. Did I wear panties today? I grabbed my boob to make sure I could feel a bra through my sweater. Okay, there's definitely a bra there. I got one out of two undergarments going. I had no clue what happened. I felt like I was losing my mind, as I stood there bare-assed, trying to walk through my day in my head. In going back to the beginning of my day, I know that I put on panties. I remembered it! I have no clue what panties I put on, but I remember specifically walking into my closet and slipping them on. So where did they go?

For a brief moment I thought maybe they'd dissolved. Maybe they were made of some strange material that when I worked out, it got too hot for them and they simply disintegrated...vanished into thin air. Poof! I shook my head wondering where these thoughts came from. What do I do now? I pictured putting my workout pants back on and walking into my mom's office saying, "Mom, I just lost my underwear. Somebody stole them!" My mom in turn would ask, "Why in the hell would someone steal your underwear?" I would explain that I'd had a long-standing issue with a one-legged pirate that had apparently moved on from shoes to panties.

Frustrated and baffled and I searched everywhere again and found nothing. I then took out every item of clothing in my gym bag and shook it out. Upon shaking out my workout pants, a black wad of material flew out and hit the mirror. I lurched my bare ass forward and grabbed it, as it fell. There in my hand rested my black panties. I'd apparently taken them off with my workout pants, apparently removing them in synch! The panties had nestled inside them and being the same color as my pants, became invisible to the naked eye. Yet, I don't remember feeling them come off.

I'm sure they were stolen and placed back in my bag.

Fucking pirate.