PINOCCHIO - SOUTHERN STYLE
February 8. 2007
at 17:18
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
Comments (0)
Trackbacks (0)
View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
Some of you have heard about the crazy man that sits on the corner by Starbucks with his bible-ranting sandwich board, and his life-size faux son. In fact I think I've blogged about it before. This man has a life-sized doll he has made, which he has pretending to talk to him, and then whips his head around to stare at you when you become entranced as to why the little boy looks so odd. From a distance it looks real. I thought it was a five-year old with strange facial features the first time I saw it. I was freaking out because every time I stared to figure out what was wrong with his face, it would whip it's head around, stop talking, and stare back at me. It wasn't until I was on my way back and was right up next to the man and his son, that I saw it was a homemade doll with a moveable mouth and giant, blinky eyes. We all know what that does to me. I'm terrified of dolls, and this was by far the creepiest doll I'd ever seen. I was convinced it was pure evil.
Today, I headed to the gym at lunch and the man was back. This is only the third time since I've lived here, that I have seen the duo. Today, rather than the man sitting in a chair, with his mock son, standing on his lap, he was strapped to the front of this man's chest, dangling and yammering his imitation mouth. Chills hit me again. I immediately called my mom. "The doll is back! The doll is back!"
Upon my return to the office, I emailed with April and told her the doll boy was back and dangling. My mind was racing thinking of the life this man lived with his doll. I told her it was like a white trash Pinocchio! So with that, my friends, I give you his story.
Today, I headed to the gym at lunch and the man was back. This is only the third time since I've lived here, that I have seen the duo. Today, rather than the man sitting in a chair, with his mock son, standing on his lap, he was strapped to the front of this man's chest, dangling and yammering his imitation mouth. Chills hit me again. I immediately called my mom. "The doll is back! The doll is back!"
Upon my return to the office, I emailed with April and told her the doll boy was back and dangling. My mind was racing thinking of the life this man lived with his doll. I told her it was like a white trash Pinocchio! So with that, my friends, I give you his story.
CHAPTER ONE
Manny was crazy. He wasn't sure if he'd always been crazy, but somewhere between the voices in his head, and the uncontrollable desire to eat paper, he had figured it out and accepted it. Manny lived in a tractor shed in High Point, that a kind, elderly man offered him in exchange for picking tobacco in his field. However, Manny's voices told him not to pick the tobacco because the government had sprayed the crop with the Ebola virus. Luckily for Manny, the elderly man was also senile and just thought Manny was a passerby when he'd see him cut across his field to venture into the town.
Years went by and Manny was bored. The voices weren't as active as they used to be, and he missed the way they used to be. In fact, Manny was flat out disappointed in them. Back in the days, they used to tell him to flash his ass to the neighbor's dog while he did the Safety Dance, or have him play the kazoo in front of Loew's while he awaited the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz to come and fly him to Home Depot. Lately all they did were tell him to grow a beard or take off one sock. Life was becoming dull to poor Manny.
On a cold, winter morning, he awoke to the sound of yelling.
"Manny! Manny wake up!"
Manny bolted up and looked around. "Harold? Harold, is that you?"
"Of course it's me you asshole! Get up! We've been talking and we decided you need a son!"
Manny looked confused and stared at the ceiling of the shed. "I need to get some sun?"
"No you nimrod! A son! Kin! Offspring! We've set out the materials you will need. Go to the field, and in the rusted out car you'll find his clothes."
"I'm going to have me a son? Oh boy, you all did well! I like this one!"
Manny excitedly got up and rushed out of the shed to the rusted out car. The door whined as he pulled it open. There on the front seat lay children's clothes...a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, a zip-up hoodie, tennis shoes, and a baseball cap. Manny was thrilled and grabbed the clothing. "I'm going to make me a son," and off he headed towards the woods.
The voices guided Manny as to how to build his son out of the woodpile on the edge of the tree line. He worked all day and all night, and by the following morning he had his son. Manny dressed him and hugged him. "I'm going to call him Pinokeenose, just like the story! You're going to be my real boy!"
Throughout the next few months, Manny and Pinokeenose would hit the various corners of Main Street armed with their sandwich board full of religious ramblings that his voices had him write. Manny would sit in the chair he'd swiped from the Starbuck's dumpster and would strap Pinokeenose to his chest and they would talk all day long. People would always stare, but Manny knew it was only because they wish they'd had a perfect son like his. Even though the voices told him otherwise, in his heart Manny knew Pinokeenose wasn't real. Every night he would wish upon a star, and sometimes on a satellite, that Pinokeenose would come to life. One night a new voice came into the scene.
"Mannnnnyyyyyy."
Manny awoke in the dark shed to hear the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard.
"Mannnnyyyyyy."
"Hello?" whispered Manny, as not to disturb Pinokeenose.
"Mannnnyyyyy, look up. I'm here with you now. I'm your Fairy Godmother."
Manny looked up and saw a large lightening bug. "Is that you Fairy Godmother?"
"Yes, Manny. It is I. I've heard your wishes. I know you want Pinokeenose to become a real boy. Are you prepared for this?"
"Oh yes, Ms. Fairy Godmother. I want my boy real. I love him so much, and I would love to play baseball with the tree limbs in the woods, and we can play the harmonica and sing Conway Twitty songs together."
"I'll tell you what to do then. I know you love Pinokeenose, and I'm going to make him real for you. What you need to do is this. On the side of the elderly man's house is an old fridge. He keeps it full of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Thing is, it's MAGIC Pabst Blue Ribbon. Take two cans of this beer and pour it into his eyes. As you do so, chant 'When you wish upon a star, it make no difference if you're in a bar. When you wish upon a star, you'll always have chew."
"And then he'll be real Ms. Fairy Godmother?"
"Yes Manny, then he'll be real. However, he will need additional guidance. Look in the corner."
Manny turned to see two, small eyes staring at him. From the shadows, came an opossum. The animal scooted towards Manny and extended his paw. In what sounded like a heavy smoker's voice, the opossum introduced himself.
"Hey Manny. I'm Bubba. Nice to meet you." Manny shook his paw. "I'm here to watch out for Pinokeenose in case of trouble. Get used to it.
"Nice to meet you, Bubba. The more the merrier!"
The Fairy Godmother chimed in, "Okay boys, enough. Manny, go do as I told you." And then the lightening bug disappeared.
Manny ran to the refrigerator and grabbed two Pabst Blue Ribbons, then ran back to Pinokeenose and Bubba. He cracked open the two beers, and took a sip from each one.
"Fuck, Manny!" squealed Bubba. "You're going to taint it! Poor the shit over his eyes, you fool!"
Manny started to pour the cans of beer into Pinokeenose's eyes and started to sing. "When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference if you're in a bar. When you wish upon a star, you'll always have chew."
Nothing happened. Manny started to cry. Bubba shook his head at Manny and waddled over to the doll and gave him a kick in the shoulder. "Wake up you lazy asshole!"
Beams of light suddenly shot out of Pinokeenose's eyes. The wood changed to skin, and the fake eyes grew bright. Manny sat there in awe, as Bubba impatiently tapped his foot. Pinokeenose started to stretch his fingers and toes, and then slowly sat up.
"Papa! Is that you, Papa?" Pinokeenose stared at Manny.
Manny knelt down and embraced Pinokeenose. He was real! His son was finally a real boy!
"Oh Pinokeenose! I love you, son!"
Pinokeenose hugged him tighter. "Hey dad, you got some chew I can borrow?"
Manny was crazy. He wasn't sure if he'd always been crazy, but somewhere between the voices in his head, and the uncontrollable desire to eat paper, he had figured it out and accepted it. Manny lived in a tractor shed in High Point, that a kind, elderly man offered him in exchange for picking tobacco in his field. However, Manny's voices told him not to pick the tobacco because the government had sprayed the crop with the Ebola virus. Luckily for Manny, the elderly man was also senile and just thought Manny was a passerby when he'd see him cut across his field to venture into the town.
Years went by and Manny was bored. The voices weren't as active as they used to be, and he missed the way they used to be. In fact, Manny was flat out disappointed in them. Back in the days, they used to tell him to flash his ass to the neighbor's dog while he did the Safety Dance, or have him play the kazoo in front of Loew's while he awaited the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz to come and fly him to Home Depot. Lately all they did were tell him to grow a beard or take off one sock. Life was becoming dull to poor Manny.
On a cold, winter morning, he awoke to the sound of yelling.
"Manny! Manny wake up!"
Manny bolted up and looked around. "Harold? Harold, is that you?"
"Of course it's me you asshole! Get up! We've been talking and we decided you need a son!"
Manny looked confused and stared at the ceiling of the shed. "I need to get some sun?"
"No you nimrod! A son! Kin! Offspring! We've set out the materials you will need. Go to the field, and in the rusted out car you'll find his clothes."
"I'm going to have me a son? Oh boy, you all did well! I like this one!"
Manny excitedly got up and rushed out of the shed to the rusted out car. The door whined as he pulled it open. There on the front seat lay children's clothes...a pair of jeans, a flannel shirt, a zip-up hoodie, tennis shoes, and a baseball cap. Manny was thrilled and grabbed the clothing. "I'm going to make me a son," and off he headed towards the woods.
The voices guided Manny as to how to build his son out of the woodpile on the edge of the tree line. He worked all day and all night, and by the following morning he had his son. Manny dressed him and hugged him. "I'm going to call him Pinokeenose, just like the story! You're going to be my real boy!"
Throughout the next few months, Manny and Pinokeenose would hit the various corners of Main Street armed with their sandwich board full of religious ramblings that his voices had him write. Manny would sit in the chair he'd swiped from the Starbuck's dumpster and would strap Pinokeenose to his chest and they would talk all day long. People would always stare, but Manny knew it was only because they wish they'd had a perfect son like his. Even though the voices told him otherwise, in his heart Manny knew Pinokeenose wasn't real. Every night he would wish upon a star, and sometimes on a satellite, that Pinokeenose would come to life. One night a new voice came into the scene.
"Mannnnnyyyyyy."
Manny awoke in the dark shed to hear the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard.
"Mannnnyyyyyy."
"Hello?" whispered Manny, as not to disturb Pinokeenose.
"Mannnnyyyyy, look up. I'm here with you now. I'm your Fairy Godmother."
Manny looked up and saw a large lightening bug. "Is that you Fairy Godmother?"
"Yes, Manny. It is I. I've heard your wishes. I know you want Pinokeenose to become a real boy. Are you prepared for this?"
"Oh yes, Ms. Fairy Godmother. I want my boy real. I love him so much, and I would love to play baseball with the tree limbs in the woods, and we can play the harmonica and sing Conway Twitty songs together."
"I'll tell you what to do then. I know you love Pinokeenose, and I'm going to make him real for you. What you need to do is this. On the side of the elderly man's house is an old fridge. He keeps it full of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Thing is, it's MAGIC Pabst Blue Ribbon. Take two cans of this beer and pour it into his eyes. As you do so, chant 'When you wish upon a star, it make no difference if you're in a bar. When you wish upon a star, you'll always have chew."
"And then he'll be real Ms. Fairy Godmother?"
"Yes Manny, then he'll be real. However, he will need additional guidance. Look in the corner."
Manny turned to see two, small eyes staring at him. From the shadows, came an opossum. The animal scooted towards Manny and extended his paw. In what sounded like a heavy smoker's voice, the opossum introduced himself.
"Hey Manny. I'm Bubba. Nice to meet you." Manny shook his paw. "I'm here to watch out for Pinokeenose in case of trouble. Get used to it.
"Nice to meet you, Bubba. The more the merrier!"
The Fairy Godmother chimed in, "Okay boys, enough. Manny, go do as I told you." And then the lightening bug disappeared.
Manny ran to the refrigerator and grabbed two Pabst Blue Ribbons, then ran back to Pinokeenose and Bubba. He cracked open the two beers, and took a sip from each one.
"Fuck, Manny!" squealed Bubba. "You're going to taint it! Poor the shit over his eyes, you fool!"
Manny started to pour the cans of beer into Pinokeenose's eyes and started to sing. "When you wish upon a star, it makes no difference if you're in a bar. When you wish upon a star, you'll always have chew."
Nothing happened. Manny started to cry. Bubba shook his head at Manny and waddled over to the doll and gave him a kick in the shoulder. "Wake up you lazy asshole!"
Beams of light suddenly shot out of Pinokeenose's eyes. The wood changed to skin, and the fake eyes grew bright. Manny sat there in awe, as Bubba impatiently tapped his foot. Pinokeenose started to stretch his fingers and toes, and then slowly sat up.
"Papa! Is that you, Papa?" Pinokeenose stared at Manny.
Manny knelt down and embraced Pinokeenose. He was real! His son was finally a real boy!
"Oh Pinokeenose! I love you, son!"
Pinokeenose hugged him tighter. "Hey dad, you got some chew I can borrow?"
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