SELF REALIZATIONS AND OTHER DRUNKEN TRAGEDIES

Laughter was plentiful from the time I arrived. Abby and I stayed up late catching up on the last four years of our lives and then crawled into bed around 3:30 AM. We slept late and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking coffee on the patio and looking through old pictures from Flagstaff, while reminiscing about all our adventures had there. Then it was time to get ready for the wedding.

I put on the dress I'd been waiting to wear somewhere, anywhere for some time. Thing is, I couldn't wear a bra with it. "Abby, I look like a whore, don't I?" She reassured me I didn't, then made me envious as she showed this great strapless bra that didn't move.

"Look!" she shouted in glee and jumped around in her black, strapless bra. "It doesn't move at ALL! Isn't it the best thing ever?"

Why didn't I get a strapless bra? I had one back in North Carolina, and it sucked. I'd tried it on the night before my trip, but realized it was about as good as a piece of toilet paper wrapped around my not-so-perky boobs. "That's awesome Abby!" I watched as she jumped up and down one more time for emphasis. The bra was actually quite amazing and I made note that I need to purchase this same type of bra at some point. In the meantime I was subjected to hanging out and hanging down in my dress. "Are you SURE I don't look like a whore?" She once again reassured me I didn't, as she put on her dress.

Once ready, we grabbed her dad and headed to drop him off at her mom's office so they could ride over together to the wedding. After a couple of stops, we arrived at the hotel where the wedding was at, and took our seats. Heather and Jesse are a wonderful couple, and I was so happy for them. I remember back when they started dating and the giddiness she always had around him, and now she was marrying him.

It was a beautiful wedding held outside in the courtyard of the hotel. Afterwards, we made our way into the ballroom and started drinking. We were assigned to a great table right next to the dance floor. The food was good, the people were great, the view was perfect. The night progressed and by my third glass of wine, they announced it was time for the bouquet toss. Abby and I headed to the dance floor. "I am NOT catching that bouquet," I told her. "I do NOT want it!" To prove my point, I brought out my wine with me to occupy one of my hands.

Abby and I got out to the dance floor. I repeat, Abby and I were on the dance floor...ONLY Abby and I. Abby started to laugh realizing, we were the only two single women there. We looked at each other in horror and muttered curse words. I believe it was Heather's sister, Sarah, that then did something I've never seen before...she grabbed taken women onto the dance floor to create a crowd for the bouquet toss. Oh my god, Abby and I were in the midst of sympathy bouquet catchers! I couldn't believe this. It almost made the situation more sad, that two lone girls, one with a glass of wine and a scowl on her face, appeared SO single, that we had to have bouquet catching extras for our scene.

Heather pointed towards us. I don't know if it was to me, or Abby, but it was one or both of us. She turned around and threw the bouquet. It hit the chandelier and dropped right behind her. This was a sign. Hedu! Take this as a sign! Don't throw it again! She didn't take it as a sign, laughed and turned around for another throw. I stood there, wine glass in my right hand and left hand planted firmly on my hip. She threw the bouquet and it was heading straight towards me. I glared at the bouquet. "Go away bouquet," I thought. "Go away." It wasn't going away, but was now heading straight for my face. I glared at it harder, still keeping both hands occupied with my hip and my wine. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Abby's mouth dropped. She knew what she had to do. If she did not catch that bouquet, I was going to end up with a scraped cornea from a rose. It was going to clock me straight in the eye. Then Abby, like the Statue of Liberty raising her torch to offer new hope for all the immigrants coming into the harbor, thrust her right hand straight into the air, in front of my face and caught that puppy one handed as it was about to hit me. It was beautiful, and I managed not to catch the bouquet.

After the wedding, we hung out in the courtyard with some people we knew and had a real-live wedding crasher sit with us and tell us how he'd just crashed our friend's wedding. He was Mormon, and sat with us smoking and drinking. At one point, he excused himself to pee. Being that there were bathrooms nearby, one would assume he would use one. No. I saw Christine's face drop, and turned behind me to see our wedding crasher pissing on a palm tree right there, not three feet away from us, in the hotel courtyard.

Abby had run into some old friends at the wedding who were going to a mutual friend of their's birthday that night. They invited us to join them and decided to do so after we got to hang out with Heather for a bit. We left the hotel and headed to Fibber Magees. It was packed there, and Abby and I were still in wedding garb. I was now pretty buzzed and marched up to the bar to order a black & tan. I notice some guy eyeballing me, and then realized it was my boobs. Fucking braless wonder! I cursed myself once again for not wearing a strapless bra, and made note that I had to watch how I leaned forward the rest of the night.

We had a great time at the bar, and sang along to the cover band. Abby was hugged to death by some cute, drunk boy who pulled her into the ladies room and just stood in the corner hugging her as I took their pictures. I met some cool people that night and had fun. Upon going to the bar for another black & tan, some older guy growled, "Nice breasts!" I walked by him and said, "That is NOT okay to say!" Damn the braless wonder. Damn you! The bar's lights came up and I sat at the bar while Abby figured out what was next with her friends. This guy came up to me and starts talking to me, then starts rubbing my back and my arms, and every other piece of skin facing away from the bar. I was too shocked to say anything. This hadn't happened to me in eons. My brain screamed, "Pee in his eyes!" My skin screamed, "Don't stop! You're so virginal, you're practically a mutant." I bargained with the brain and skin and decided he could rub, so long as he didn't rub anything bad. He wanted to go home together and I laughed. Abby came and told me we were leaving, and I said good-bye and laughed as Abby and I exited the bar.

We left Abby's car at the bar and got a ride to the after party, with some very nice people. By this time, things are more vague due to the alcohol. I hadn't drank this much in a VERY long time, but I assured myself that this was mandatory vacation drinking. The party was chill and fun and people were so cool. Abby and I sat outside with various people and laughed and I think I started talking about poop as usual, though I'm not sure if I did. Maybe I was just thinking something funny about poop. We took pictures and the guy I was chatting with for a long time kept asking if he could have tongue with each picture. I was shocked, and looked him straight in the eye. "No way!" I was shocked by this myself, as I'd once been the girl that was all, "Okay." Oh my god, the concerns for the boobs hanging out, turning down an invite to go home with a guy, and now turning down a simple makeout? I'd become a prude.

We grew tired and cold and called a cab. This is where the fiasco really starts. The cab company argued that no such address existed, despite numerous people giving us the same address. They finally said they'd be there in 20 minutes. We were in a large apartment complex and were informed the gates were locked and we'd have to meet the cab at the gates. Abby and I made the long trek to the gates and got to the pedestrian exit. It was locked. We looked at each other in horror. You had to have a key to get out the pedestrian gate!!! We tried to figure out what we were going to do. The walkway gate was tall, as was the car gate. Then we noticed it, the gate's base was about two feet off the ground.

"Abby, when that cab comes, we're rolling under!" It was agreed. We were freezing and not too picky on how to get out. However, time passed and there was no cab. As more time went by, Abby was getting frustrated. Me being drunk, and used to ridiculous things like this happening to me, couldn't stop laughing. She joined in too. I sat on the curb holding my foot to my mouth and blew hot breath on my toes. After what seemed like a half-hour, Abby announced we were going back to the apartment to call again. Oh, did I mention that neither of us had cell phones on us?

We started to run back to the apartment, but my bad shoes that already ripped my feet to shreds were killing me and preventing me from running. "Abby! I can't do it!" She looked at me and laughed and told me to take off my shoes, which I did. We started running again. I held my shoes with one hand and my near-escaping breasts with the other. The magnitude of the night, the current situation we were in, and the buzz I had going, took over. I was overcome with laughter and couldn't stop. I'd run, then stop and cross my legs, trying to hold my pee in. The laughter wouldn't stop and that's when it happened. I peed myself. Being that I was in a long, loose dress, I simply planted my feet apart and laughed and tinkled on the sidewalk. It was only a little bit, but enough to be bad.

We made it back to the apartment and after Abby fought with the cab company that now said they didn't have anyone in the area, the girl who gave us a ride there, gave us a ride back to the car. Once there, we found the passenger door wouldn't open and I had to crawl across the car, knocking over Abby's energy drink, flooding the two dollars that lay in the console. The ride is hazy to me. I remember laughing and both of us going, "What the fuck was with this night?" We crawled into bed at 5:30 AM, numb, tired and worn out from our adventure.

And all this in a short weekend. I can't imagine the trouble we'd get into if it had been longer. The next day we were zombies, went to Heather and Jesse's Open House and got to have good, quality time with her and her family. It was nice. It was good. I'd missed my friends. And now the craziness was done and it was a new day.

Good-byes were made on Saturday night as Abby dropped me off at the airport. We hugged and promised not to let another four years go without a visit. I made my way into the airport, vowing not to fall asleep until I got on the plane. I was convinced this would be an easy trip back. How much more could really happen?

At the security gate, I was asked to step aside. They confiscated $50-worth of non-liquid, non-gel, non-lotion hair stuff from me. I was yelling how it was a paste, and didn't qualify. A supervisor was called over and told him to take it. I huffed loudly and cursed. Then I had a vision of getting booted for having a fit, and stormed away. I need not add to my Phoenician adventure. All I wanted to do was sleep.

I sat in my chair in the boarding area and reflected upon my weekend. And that's when it hit me! I'd become an incontinent, prude obsessed with pooping and farting, who is afraid of marriage and thinks everything in life is amusing. Oh, and I have a big heart.

Sometimes self-realizations aren't that pretty.