WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST SQUIRT THEM IN THE EYE
April 1. 2007
at 15:30
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
Comments (0)
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View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
The plan was to go to a Kinks Tribute Night in Charlotte with Eylin. The reality was bruises, urgent care, and head wounds. Last night I received a call fifteen minutes prior to my trek to Charlotte, that Eylin was on her way to urgent care. Her puppy charged her and somehow she jammed her finger. The swelling was bad and looking worse due to the rings on her finger that were now trapped. She said she still wanted to go out, and would call me when her and her son returned home. A couple of hours later, with her rings cut off her finger, her diagnosed sprain, and a new Muppet middle finger, she told me to come on down.
It was a beautiful, balmy night, almost sultry. I screamed and danced to Modest Mouse in my car, windows down. Ignoring the gawking, I was happy. The love of weather and the drive put me in the most pleasant of moods. An hour later I arrived in Charlotte and called Eylin to let her know I was exiting. Five minutes later I knocked on her door, and heard her yell for me to come in. There she stood with paper towels on her head, and her son announcing there was blood on the doorknob. The new puppy had attacked the cats' water bowl and spilled water on the kitchen floor. She was simply wiping up the mess when she stood up underneath the corner cabinet and gauged her skull, making quite the bloody mess.
My dear friend had a fucked up day. We decided to not to go out, and that she should go to bed, along with Finn who'd played witness to his mother's numerous injuries that day. I totally felt bad for her predicament and decided to head home and just enjoy the nighttime driving. On the way home my mind started to create stories as it often does. The story it created tonight is as follows.
I recently told Eylin that I think of her as a superhero. I've known her for 11 years and she never fails to amaze me and all the while she keeps others grounded. She emailed me this morning after the story came to mind stating that she was obviously NOT a superhero, and she was thinking her new puppy might possibly be her kryptonite. I disagree. Eylin, you ARE a super hero, and I figured out your beginning.
This is for you, oh wounded Muppet-fingered woman.
It was a beautiful, balmy night, almost sultry. I screamed and danced to Modest Mouse in my car, windows down. Ignoring the gawking, I was happy. The love of weather and the drive put me in the most pleasant of moods. An hour later I arrived in Charlotte and called Eylin to let her know I was exiting. Five minutes later I knocked on her door, and heard her yell for me to come in. There she stood with paper towels on her head, and her son announcing there was blood on the doorknob. The new puppy had attacked the cats' water bowl and spilled water on the kitchen floor. She was simply wiping up the mess when she stood up underneath the corner cabinet and gauged her skull, making quite the bloody mess.
My dear friend had a fucked up day. We decided to not to go out, and that she should go to bed, along with Finn who'd played witness to his mother's numerous injuries that day. I totally felt bad for her predicament and decided to head home and just enjoy the nighttime driving. On the way home my mind started to create stories as it often does. The story it created tonight is as follows.
I recently told Eylin that I think of her as a superhero. I've known her for 11 years and she never fails to amaze me and all the while she keeps others grounded. She emailed me this morning after the story came to mind stating that she was obviously NOT a superhero, and she was thinking her new puppy might possibly be her kryptonite. I disagree. Eylin, you ARE a super hero, and I figured out your beginning.
This is for you, oh wounded Muppet-fingered woman.
It started with a trip to the store for a band-aid. Who knew that such a simple task could turn into a life-changing event?
Eylin was having one of those days where you wish you'd slept through it. Amongst her daily pressures of completing her Masters degree in psychology and starting the PhD program, all while being a rockin' single parent, she was dealing with the changes of a new puppy. Her goal of being productive ended up with a black and blue hand from untangling a weed-whacker. She was fine with that, even laughed at it. Then the new puppy charged her and somehow jammed her finger. The swelling was bad, and the rings on her finger didn't help it. The concern for her rings cutting off her circulation was the only thing that led her to Urgent Care. After an examination and an x-ray she learned she'd sprained her middle finger, a convenient and permanent "fuck you" to the Gods of Stupidity that seemed to be chasing her that day.
They wrapped her sprained, middle finger with a splint and a large wad of gauze. The bandaging created quite the Muppet effect on her. She was secretly grateful she was right-handed and didn't have to wipe her ass with the hand that bore the curse of the Muppet.
Frustrated, with a good sense of humor, Eylin and Finn headed home. The drive was a bit of a mess, as every time she turned the steering wheel to the left, her Muppet finger would accidentally turn on the windshield wipers. Being the awesome mother-son team they were, they laughed their asses off at the results of this strange, strange day.
They returned home and went about their business. Her finger was hurting worse now that it was splinted, for some strange reason, but Eylin endured. All was well for the next hour until strike three happened. Little did either of them know, that this next event would change their lives forever.
Sergei the puppy was running amok and became intrigued with cats' water bowl. His puppy brain was still developing and hadn't yet determined what was a toy and what wasn't. The blue water bowl looked fun, and he decided this was definitely chew-worthy. He lunged for the water bowl and shook it about, tossing water all over the kitchen floor. Hearing the growling as he shook the mistaken toy, Eylin ran in and grabbed the bowl away from him. Grabbing a wad of paper towels, she threw them on the floor and began to mop up the mess of water. That's when her life changed.
Eylin swept her foot atop the paper towels, back and forth. After she sopped up the water off the floor, she stood up. That is when her head collided with the corner of the sharp cabinet above her with great intensity. She screamed out in pain and grabbed her head. As she lowered her hand, she saw blood everywhere. It coated her hand and started to trickle down her face. Finn ran in to see what caused his mother to scream. There he was met with the image of a blood-soaked mom, and his face went white. She immediately told him she was okay and explained how head wounds tend to bleed more.
What neither of them knew was that this was the beginning of a new life for them. They'd only been in the house for under a year and neither of them knew that the previous tenant had been a lone, mad scientist. The mad scientist's sole purpose in life was to create a formula that would create the modern super hero. He'd spent many a night brewing up a batch of new goo, that he would drink each time and learned he'd once again failed. However, one fateful night he got it right. Unfortunately, he would never know this. For you see, the secret brew of goo blew up in his face one night and scared the elderly man so bad, that he had a heart attack. He would never know that he had finally gotten right.
After the mad scientist died, his house was cleaned up. The cleaners wore their protective gloves and masks and wiped up the goo. What they didn't realize was that a small wad of super hero radioactive goo had attached itself to the sharp corner of the kitchen cabinet near the hallway. And this so happened to be the corner that Eylin gauged her head on.
Eylin's head wouldn't stop bleeding. She decided that despite the fact that she knew a band-aid would likely not stick to her hair, she should still give it a shot. She rummaged through her medicine cabinet only to find she was completely out. Gathering both Finn and the dog, still holding a ball of paper towels on her head, they hopped into her car and headed to Texaco, down the street.
She cracked the windows for Sergei, and headed into the convenience store with Finn in tow. Still holding paper towels on head, she ignored the stares and quickly found the band-aids. Finn and Eylin then went to the counter to pay for their purchase. There was only one person in front of them. The longhaired cowboy in front of them seemed to be taking a while with choosing which cigarettes he wanted. Eylin sighed loudly to signal that people were waiting. He turned around and glared at her. The cowboy looked strangely familiar, but she couldn't place it. The air-conditioned store felt stagnant, and the atmosphere changed drastically. Evil loomed in the air.
"Stick em' up!" shouted the well-dressed cowboy in his deep Southern accent. He whipped out a pistol and pointed it at the clerk. "Give me all you money, sir!"
Seeing the fear on Finn's face, Eylin grabbed him and pulled him close to her. "It's okay, honey."
The cowboy turned around as the clerk filled a paper sack full of money. "You two better not move!" He then looked Eylin up and down. "Why, you're quite the pretty lil' lady, aren't yah?"
The danger this cowboy had put her and her son in, infuriated her. She had to do something. Right then, Finn had a coughing fit and a large loogie shot out of his mouth landing on the cowboy's well-shined shoes. The cowboy was angry. "What the hell did you do to my boots, son?"
The clerk was frozen in shock and fear. Eylin knew she had to act quickly. She suddenly felt stronger and more powerful; unaware that the drop of radioactive goo had worked it's way into her bloodstream and was quickly changing her. She raised her one good hand that was holding the paper towels on her head, to point at the cowboy and give him a piece of her mind. Upon lifting the makeshift bandage from her head, a large stream of now radioactive blood shot out from her head and squirted the cowboy in the eyes.
"My eyes!" screamed cowboy grabbing at his burning face.
Eylin lunged forward, her Muppet finger gauging him in his blinded eyes. Finn grabbed a licorice whip from the candy aisle, quickly unwrapped it and began to whip the face of the injured robber's face. "Don't you check out my mom!"
The cowboy wiped the blood from his one decent eye and pushed Finn. Rage burned within Eylin. Suddenly candy bars started flying off the shelves, pelting themselves at the cowboy. Her rage continued and the angrier she got, the more items that flew off the shelf. Now standing in perfect superhero stance, Eylin turned her gaze to the hot pot of coffee in the corner and willed it to fly into the cowboy's face.
The hot coffee scalded him and he screamed in agony. He knew he must escape before it was too late. Stumbling across the mess that Eylin's newfound telepathic powers had caused, he ran out the door. Finn chased after him and ran to the car to hop in. Sergei the puppy had seen all of this and was pissed that this man had put his new owners in danger. He leapt out of the car as Finn jumped in, and chased the cowboy. The puppy quickly caught up to the wannabe thief and lunged at him, knocking him down. Eylin ran out of the store and saw the cowboy on the ground being attacked by her dog.
Once again tuning in to her telepathic powers, she focused on the gas hose. As if being charmed by a snake, the hose came to life and danced it's way towards the cowboy on the ground. It wrapped itself around him twice and then pulled him back against the pay pump, pinning him. Eylin threw her cell phone to Finn and told him to call the police. She walked to the cowboy and honing in to her psychology education, sat down on the ground and said, "So tell me about your childhood."
The police arrived and arrested the Texaco cowboy. They thanked her and Finn for capturing what turned out to be a wanted criminal. Finn turned to his mom after the cops left. "Mom, what happened in there? You seem to have acquired super powers from your injuries!"
Eylin put her arm around her son/sidekick. "You know Finn, I think you're right. You know what this means, right? It's time for us to save the world...oh and get them to recycle."
Knowing how all superheroes end their story, she ripped open her shirt to reveal her super hero costume she'd surely grown at the store. Alas, only her bra was there. "Damn it! I have to SEW my own costume?" She closed her ripped shirt and jumped into her car.
World, meet Ooops Girl, her sidekick Phlegm Boy and Sergei the Ass Attacker.
Eylin was having one of those days where you wish you'd slept through it. Amongst her daily pressures of completing her Masters degree in psychology and starting the PhD program, all while being a rockin' single parent, she was dealing with the changes of a new puppy. Her goal of being productive ended up with a black and blue hand from untangling a weed-whacker. She was fine with that, even laughed at it. Then the new puppy charged her and somehow jammed her finger. The swelling was bad, and the rings on her finger didn't help it. The concern for her rings cutting off her circulation was the only thing that led her to Urgent Care. After an examination and an x-ray she learned she'd sprained her middle finger, a convenient and permanent "fuck you" to the Gods of Stupidity that seemed to be chasing her that day.
They wrapped her sprained, middle finger with a splint and a large wad of gauze. The bandaging created quite the Muppet effect on her. She was secretly grateful she was right-handed and didn't have to wipe her ass with the hand that bore the curse of the Muppet.
Frustrated, with a good sense of humor, Eylin and Finn headed home. The drive was a bit of a mess, as every time she turned the steering wheel to the left, her Muppet finger would accidentally turn on the windshield wipers. Being the awesome mother-son team they were, they laughed their asses off at the results of this strange, strange day.
They returned home and went about their business. Her finger was hurting worse now that it was splinted, for some strange reason, but Eylin endured. All was well for the next hour until strike three happened. Little did either of them know, that this next event would change their lives forever.
Sergei the puppy was running amok and became intrigued with cats' water bowl. His puppy brain was still developing and hadn't yet determined what was a toy and what wasn't. The blue water bowl looked fun, and he decided this was definitely chew-worthy. He lunged for the water bowl and shook it about, tossing water all over the kitchen floor. Hearing the growling as he shook the mistaken toy, Eylin ran in and grabbed the bowl away from him. Grabbing a wad of paper towels, she threw them on the floor and began to mop up the mess of water. That's when her life changed.
Eylin swept her foot atop the paper towels, back and forth. After she sopped up the water off the floor, she stood up. That is when her head collided with the corner of the sharp cabinet above her with great intensity. She screamed out in pain and grabbed her head. As she lowered her hand, she saw blood everywhere. It coated her hand and started to trickle down her face. Finn ran in to see what caused his mother to scream. There he was met with the image of a blood-soaked mom, and his face went white. She immediately told him she was okay and explained how head wounds tend to bleed more.
What neither of them knew was that this was the beginning of a new life for them. They'd only been in the house for under a year and neither of them knew that the previous tenant had been a lone, mad scientist. The mad scientist's sole purpose in life was to create a formula that would create the modern super hero. He'd spent many a night brewing up a batch of new goo, that he would drink each time and learned he'd once again failed. However, one fateful night he got it right. Unfortunately, he would never know this. For you see, the secret brew of goo blew up in his face one night and scared the elderly man so bad, that he had a heart attack. He would never know that he had finally gotten right.
After the mad scientist died, his house was cleaned up. The cleaners wore their protective gloves and masks and wiped up the goo. What they didn't realize was that a small wad of super hero radioactive goo had attached itself to the sharp corner of the kitchen cabinet near the hallway. And this so happened to be the corner that Eylin gauged her head on.
Eylin's head wouldn't stop bleeding. She decided that despite the fact that she knew a band-aid would likely not stick to her hair, she should still give it a shot. She rummaged through her medicine cabinet only to find she was completely out. Gathering both Finn and the dog, still holding a ball of paper towels on her head, they hopped into her car and headed to Texaco, down the street.
She cracked the windows for Sergei, and headed into the convenience store with Finn in tow. Still holding paper towels on head, she ignored the stares and quickly found the band-aids. Finn and Eylin then went to the counter to pay for their purchase. There was only one person in front of them. The longhaired cowboy in front of them seemed to be taking a while with choosing which cigarettes he wanted. Eylin sighed loudly to signal that people were waiting. He turned around and glared at her. The cowboy looked strangely familiar, but she couldn't place it. The air-conditioned store felt stagnant, and the atmosphere changed drastically. Evil loomed in the air.
"Stick em' up!" shouted the well-dressed cowboy in his deep Southern accent. He whipped out a pistol and pointed it at the clerk. "Give me all you money, sir!"
Seeing the fear on Finn's face, Eylin grabbed him and pulled him close to her. "It's okay, honey."
The cowboy turned around as the clerk filled a paper sack full of money. "You two better not move!" He then looked Eylin up and down. "Why, you're quite the pretty lil' lady, aren't yah?"
The danger this cowboy had put her and her son in, infuriated her. She had to do something. Right then, Finn had a coughing fit and a large loogie shot out of his mouth landing on the cowboy's well-shined shoes. The cowboy was angry. "What the hell did you do to my boots, son?"
The clerk was frozen in shock and fear. Eylin knew she had to act quickly. She suddenly felt stronger and more powerful; unaware that the drop of radioactive goo had worked it's way into her bloodstream and was quickly changing her. She raised her one good hand that was holding the paper towels on her head, to point at the cowboy and give him a piece of her mind. Upon lifting the makeshift bandage from her head, a large stream of now radioactive blood shot out from her head and squirted the cowboy in the eyes.
"My eyes!" screamed cowboy grabbing at his burning face.
Eylin lunged forward, her Muppet finger gauging him in his blinded eyes. Finn grabbed a licorice whip from the candy aisle, quickly unwrapped it and began to whip the face of the injured robber's face. "Don't you check out my mom!"
The cowboy wiped the blood from his one decent eye and pushed Finn. Rage burned within Eylin. Suddenly candy bars started flying off the shelves, pelting themselves at the cowboy. Her rage continued and the angrier she got, the more items that flew off the shelf. Now standing in perfect superhero stance, Eylin turned her gaze to the hot pot of coffee in the corner and willed it to fly into the cowboy's face.
The hot coffee scalded him and he screamed in agony. He knew he must escape before it was too late. Stumbling across the mess that Eylin's newfound telepathic powers had caused, he ran out the door. Finn chased after him and ran to the car to hop in. Sergei the puppy had seen all of this and was pissed that this man had put his new owners in danger. He leapt out of the car as Finn jumped in, and chased the cowboy. The puppy quickly caught up to the wannabe thief and lunged at him, knocking him down. Eylin ran out of the store and saw the cowboy on the ground being attacked by her dog.
Once again tuning in to her telepathic powers, she focused on the gas hose. As if being charmed by a snake, the hose came to life and danced it's way towards the cowboy on the ground. It wrapped itself around him twice and then pulled him back against the pay pump, pinning him. Eylin threw her cell phone to Finn and told him to call the police. She walked to the cowboy and honing in to her psychology education, sat down on the ground and said, "So tell me about your childhood."
The police arrived and arrested the Texaco cowboy. They thanked her and Finn for capturing what turned out to be a wanted criminal. Finn turned to his mom after the cops left. "Mom, what happened in there? You seem to have acquired super powers from your injuries!"
Eylin put her arm around her son/sidekick. "You know Finn, I think you're right. You know what this means, right? It's time for us to save the world...oh and get them to recycle."
Knowing how all superheroes end their story, she ripped open her shirt to reveal her super hero costume she'd surely grown at the store. Alas, only her bra was there. "Damn it! I have to SEW my own costume?" She closed her ripped shirt and jumped into her car.
World, meet Ooops Girl, her sidekick Phlegm Boy and Sergei the Ass Attacker.
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