WARNING! The following content is of graphic non-poo nature. Only read further should you dare. Seriously, it's really bad.
A transformation has happened. I'm not sure if it's alien, toxic mutation or just an unspoken change in the evolutionary pattern. However I am scared.
It started yesterday when I went to the bathroom to discover I'd gotten my period. "What? This is strange," I thought. I mean, I have HORRIBLE periods. I'm typically in agony with cramps and bloated like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. I always gain five pounds and am bedridden popping Naproxin, crying that I swear I will have a hysterectomy as soon as possible. Then yesterday happened, and there was no indication minus the timing and a couple of zits. I got on the scale and had LOST five pounds instead of the typical five pounds of water weight I gain during my period. Lose weight while having my period? I decided the only logical explanation was a tapeworm. Okay by me!
I woke up this morning greeting my new tapeworm and headed off to work with a pocketful of tampons. My day went about period pain-free, though still a bit heavy as usual. Later in the afternoon I could tell it was time for another change, so I grabbed a tampon and headed for the bathroom.
Now something you must know before I go on is that I use OB tampons. I know a lot of people find this disgusting because they have no applicator, but these puppies work better than any other tampon out there. Seriously, they will block anything from getting out. I'm actually convinced that it was not the power of God that let Moses part the Red Sea, but a box of OB Heavy Days that he threw into the sea. While everyone was obviously overwhelmed in their concern of how to cross, Moses pulled out the greatest tampons ever and threw them into the sea. Instant absorption folks. They sucked up all the water and let them pass through safely on dry land. And notice the correlation of the Red Sea and the OB?
Another thing to note here is that when I sneeze, they are almost always a minimum of three, and once got up to sixteen in a row. They are high-pitched, full bodied and violent. I am known for my sneezes. The following takes place in the span of about 30 seconds. It was six sneezes, but to me it felt like an eternity...
I head into the bathroom with my OB tampon and start the process - take out old one, put in new one. Unfortunately, my coo had another plan. I unwrap the new tampon and push it in. That is when it happened...one of my famous sneeze attacks hit...with my finger pushing my tampon in.
ACHOO!
Death grip!!! Get your finger out, Heather!
ACHOO!
It won't come out! Holy shit my finger is fucking stuck!
ACHOO!
GET IT OUT!!! Oh my god, it hurts!
ACHOO!
Holy shit! I'm going to lose my finger to my vagina! I'm going to have to go to the hospital with half an index finger! They will ask me if I saved the top half so they can reattach it, and I will have to say, "Well, yeah, but you're going to need those baby tongs to retrieve it!
ACHOO!
Dear god let this end! Give me my finger back! I cannot spend the rest of my life explaining that I lost half my finger to a hungry vagina and an OB tampon!
ACHOO!
I'm sorry I have not fed you for two years, vagina! I'm sorrrryyyyyyyyy!
And then it ended. I whipped out my finger with such joy you'd have thought I had a baby girl. I quickly washed up, shaken and disturbed. My coo had turned into a damned Venus Flytrap! Is this what happens when you stop having sex? Why doesn't anyone TELL you this? I thought at worse it lost it's memory then learned again once you started having sex. I had no idea it was going to try to kill whatever got in it's way! This explains the past things that have been trapped in there...ben wa balls, a banana, a tampon... My god! Maybe the Little Mermaid was living in my hoo-hah and was collecting her thingamajigs and hortisporks, while singing about wanting to be "part of your world."
"Get out you redheaded fish!" I screamed in my mind.
I emailed a few of my friends and told them of this horrible incident. Amy noted that guys like this. I reminded her I wasn't having sex. She then noted that maybe this was my special purpose in life. I laughed and suggested that I'm thinking maybe my purpose is to open peanut butter jars with my cooter in a sex show. Whatever it is, I wish whatever goes in there the power to return again someday.
Oh, and on my way home I stopped and bought a box of Tampax tampons...the kind with applicators.
