SLUTLONKA THE SINFUL SQUIRREL SAYS NO TO SEX
So I continue my days of my pre-midlife crisis, and continue to try to pull myself out of this funk I've been in. I know it will pass...the low times always do. However, something happened this morning that just funkified me more until a bright, shining gift from a friend was given to me.
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
SLUTLONKA THE SINFUL SQUIRREL SAYS NO TO SEX
"Curious" would be saying it mildly when referring to Slutlonka. Whenever her squirrel parents, Jack and Chrissy, told her not to do something, she had to know why...and an explanation wouldn't cut it. She had to test it out.
"Slutlonka! Don't play with wires," her mother would warn.
But did Slutlonka listen? Nooooooo. Instead she snuck over to where the sewing machine was plugged in and chewed through the wire until BAM! There was a mini explosion that threw her ass straight across their nest. The pain was horrible and she singed quite a bit of fur.
Her mother ran over to her and screamed, "Slutlonka! You are a sinful squirrel! Sinful I tell you!"
One day, Slutlonka and her two sisters, Janet and Larry (she was kind of a butch girl), were out playing in their yard. They ran around chasing each others tails until they became dizzy and crumpled to the ground giggling. Slutlonka turned her head to the side and saw the woods. Her parents had told her never to go into the woods. "That's where sin happens," they'd whisper. "And being a sinful squirrel, you will likely burst into flames if you go somewhere sinful."
Problem was, warnings did nothing for Slutlonka. She hopped up and headed to the woods. Janet and Larry jumped up, alarmed. "Slutlonka," they cried in unison. "Where are you going?"
Slutlonka turned coyly. "I'm going into the woods. I know they're sinful, but so am I!"
The sisters quickly discussed this and decided that they had to go with her to protect Slutlonka. After all, she was very sinful.
The three squirrel sisters trekked into the woods. The air was pungent with the smells of sex and magic. Slutlonka was intrigued and turned to her sisters. "Do you smell it? It smells of sin!"
As the three girls scurried around a tree, they heard a noise in the bushes. "Uhhhhhhhhhhh!" They stopped dead in their tracks. Since Slutlonka was so sinful, she made the noise back. "Uhhhhhhhhh."
The bushes parted and out strolled three male squirrels smoking cigarettes. "Hey girls. You want to have some fun?"
Without even thinking, Slutlonka clapped her hands together and shouted, "Yes! I LOVE fun!"
The hairiest of the boys strutted towards them and handed Slutlonka a pack of cigarettes. "Smoke these, you will like them. They will make you sexy! Yow!"
"Slutlonka! Don't do it! Mom and dad say to never smoke cigarettes!" cried Janet.
But Slutlonka was sinful, so she took a cigarette and inhaled. She choked on the dirty smoke and felt dizzy. Stumbling forward she leaned on her wannabe suitor, hacking her lungs out. He took the opportunity to introduce himself.
"I'm Henry. What's your name?"
In between gasps for air, she managed to get her name out. "Slutlonka!"
Henry eyed her up and down. He thought she had a nice tail. "Well Slutlonka, do you like nuts?"
Slutlonka's ears perked up. She was hungry and her family hadn't been able to find all the nuts they buried last winter. "Why yes! I love nuts!"
Henry smiled and took her paw. "Well, lets go find my nuts then." He led her away from the others. Larry saw this happening. "Slutlonka! Don't go! That boy smells like sex!"
Slutlonka laughed. "No silly. He's just going to show me his nuts! I'm hungry."
Henry was hoping it wasn't for food.
Henry and Slutlonka walked for bit and then he stopped. "We're here."
Slutlonka looked around, but didn't see any mounds that would note the location of buried nuts. Henry came in to kiss her. She jumped back. "But what about your nuts?"
Henry took two steps back and exhaled with all his might. Out popped two huge testicles. "Here they are!"
Slutlonka gasped! "No! I know I can be sinful, but I shouldn't have sex! The folks say sex is dirty!"
Henry laughed. "It is if we do it on the ground!" And with that, he began to approach her dragging his large nuts with him.
Slutlonka felt tingly all over, but decided that for once she was going to listen to her parents. So she ran. She ran as fast as her little squirrel body could go. She saw her sisters up ahead. The other two boys were gone. She stopped for a moment to explain what had happened.
Janet and Larry cried in unison, "Slutlonka! We have to tell Mom and Dad what you did!"
Slutlonka cried, "Please don't! I'll be good!"
Janet and Larry shook their squirrel heads. "Sorry Slutlonka," answered Larry. "We have to tell them." Slutlonka accepted her fate. She would be in BIG trouble, but she had learned her lesson even if she still wondered what sex with Henry would have been like?
A noise startled them. Henry rounded the corner still dragging his large nuts, which had apparently slowed him down a bit. The girls squealed and took off again. They ran...they ran so far away. And they ran. They ran what seemed like night and day.
They reached their yard soon. Janet and Larry screeched to a halt, but Slutlonka kept running. She was so busy imagining what she'd just missed with Henry she wasn't paying attention. That's when it happened. Slutlonka ran towards the road and didn't look at that where she was going. At that moment, a silver Saturn Ion was driving down the road and she collided with the side of it. THUNK!
Her mind seized and she flipped backwards twice. She couldn't control her body anymore and her head hurt. She was disoriented and crawled across the street without being hit again. The pain was unbearable. She lay down on the curb clutching her chest. The light was bright and warm. She reached up towards it. She knew she was dying, and that's when Slutlonka heard the voice.
"Slutlonkaaaaaaa. You will sin no more. Go into the light...." And she did and it was warm.
Her sisters watched in horror as Slutlonka's tragic accident happened. Janet looked at Larry with horror. Larry raised her eyebrow.
"I guess she should've fucked him."
"Curious" would be saying it mildly when referring to Slutlonka. Whenever her squirrel parents, Jack and Chrissy, told her not to do something, she had to know why...and an explanation wouldn't cut it. She had to test it out.
"Slutlonka! Don't play with wires," her mother would warn.
But did Slutlonka listen? Nooooooo. Instead she snuck over to where the sewing machine was plugged in and chewed through the wire until BAM! There was a mini explosion that threw her ass straight across their nest. The pain was horrible and she singed quite a bit of fur.
Her mother ran over to her and screamed, "Slutlonka! You are a sinful squirrel! Sinful I tell you!"
One day, Slutlonka and her two sisters, Janet and Larry (she was kind of a butch girl), were out playing in their yard. They ran around chasing each others tails until they became dizzy and crumpled to the ground giggling. Slutlonka turned her head to the side and saw the woods. Her parents had told her never to go into the woods. "That's where sin happens," they'd whisper. "And being a sinful squirrel, you will likely burst into flames if you go somewhere sinful."
Problem was, warnings did nothing for Slutlonka. She hopped up and headed to the woods. Janet and Larry jumped up, alarmed. "Slutlonka," they cried in unison. "Where are you going?"
Slutlonka turned coyly. "I'm going into the woods. I know they're sinful, but so am I!"
The sisters quickly discussed this and decided that they had to go with her to protect Slutlonka. After all, she was very sinful.
The three squirrel sisters trekked into the woods. The air was pungent with the smells of sex and magic. Slutlonka was intrigued and turned to her sisters. "Do you smell it? It smells of sin!"
As the three girls scurried around a tree, they heard a noise in the bushes. "Uhhhhhhhhhhh!" They stopped dead in their tracks. Since Slutlonka was so sinful, she made the noise back. "Uhhhhhhhhh."
The bushes parted and out strolled three male squirrels smoking cigarettes. "Hey girls. You want to have some fun?"
Without even thinking, Slutlonka clapped her hands together and shouted, "Yes! I LOVE fun!"
The hairiest of the boys strutted towards them and handed Slutlonka a pack of cigarettes. "Smoke these, you will like them. They will make you sexy! Yow!"
"Slutlonka! Don't do it! Mom and dad say to never smoke cigarettes!" cried Janet.
But Slutlonka was sinful, so she took a cigarette and inhaled. She choked on the dirty smoke and felt dizzy. Stumbling forward she leaned on her wannabe suitor, hacking her lungs out. He took the opportunity to introduce himself.
"I'm Henry. What's your name?"
In between gasps for air, she managed to get her name out. "Slutlonka!"
Henry eyed her up and down. He thought she had a nice tail. "Well Slutlonka, do you like nuts?"
Slutlonka's ears perked up. She was hungry and her family hadn't been able to find all the nuts they buried last winter. "Why yes! I love nuts!"
Henry smiled and took her paw. "Well, lets go find my nuts then." He led her away from the others. Larry saw this happening. "Slutlonka! Don't go! That boy smells like sex!"
Slutlonka laughed. "No silly. He's just going to show me his nuts! I'm hungry."
Henry was hoping it wasn't for food.
Henry and Slutlonka walked for bit and then he stopped. "We're here."
Slutlonka looked around, but didn't see any mounds that would note the location of buried nuts. Henry came in to kiss her. She jumped back. "But what about your nuts?"
Henry took two steps back and exhaled with all his might. Out popped two huge testicles. "Here they are!"
Slutlonka gasped! "No! I know I can be sinful, but I shouldn't have sex! The folks say sex is dirty!"
Henry laughed. "It is if we do it on the ground!" And with that, he began to approach her dragging his large nuts with him.
Slutlonka felt tingly all over, but decided that for once she was going to listen to her parents. So she ran. She ran as fast as her little squirrel body could go. She saw her sisters up ahead. The other two boys were gone. She stopped for a moment to explain what had happened.
Janet and Larry cried in unison, "Slutlonka! We have to tell Mom and Dad what you did!"
Slutlonka cried, "Please don't! I'll be good!"
Janet and Larry shook their squirrel heads. "Sorry Slutlonka," answered Larry. "We have to tell them." Slutlonka accepted her fate. She would be in BIG trouble, but she had learned her lesson even if she still wondered what sex with Henry would have been like?
A noise startled them. Henry rounded the corner still dragging his large nuts, which had apparently slowed him down a bit. The girls squealed and took off again. They ran...they ran so far away. And they ran. They ran what seemed like night and day.
They reached their yard soon. Janet and Larry screeched to a halt, but Slutlonka kept running. She was so busy imagining what she'd just missed with Henry she wasn't paying attention. That's when it happened. Slutlonka ran towards the road and didn't look at that where she was going. At that moment, a silver Saturn Ion was driving down the road and she collided with the side of it. THUNK!
Her mind seized and she flipped backwards twice. She couldn't control her body anymore and her head hurt. She was disoriented and crawled across the street without being hit again. The pain was unbearable. She lay down on the curb clutching her chest. The light was bright and warm. She reached up towards it. She knew she was dying, and that's when Slutlonka heard the voice.
"Slutlonkaaaaaaa. You will sin no more. Go into the light...." And she did and it was warm.
Her sisters watched in horror as Slutlonka's tragic accident happened. Janet looked at Larry with horror. Larry raised her eyebrow.
"I guess she should've fucked him."
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