The Heather Chronicles

I think God hates me. I think he's sitting upstairs just laughing his ass off watching me go nuts. Seriously, I mean I am finishing up Day 17 of the eternal bloody battle of my uterus, my foot is still fucked up from my drunken fall off a curb a few weeks ago, and then I broke my ass last night. Yes, that's right! I broke my fuckin' ass. I was at Tony & Chris's and was watching the amazing season premiere of my favorite show "Lost" and got so damned excited and jumpy, I apparently pulled my psiatic (or however you spell it) muscle. I'm walking around like a bloody, fat gimp!

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Hi all!

Lordie am I on a roll lately! I just feel like writing a lot. I think it's all about needing to vent so I don't go insane from this fucking never ending period. The Never Ending Perrrr-I-Oddddddd...ahhhh-ah-ahhh-ahhh-ah-ahhhh-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhh (the warped version of the theme song from The Never Ending Story).

I seriously feel like I am losing it from the lack of blood and excessive eating of meat and fat and sugar from the two-weeks of period cravings and water retention. It's become all consuming! I'm not trying to be a whiner, but my God, you try this! I'm on the fucking pill for Pete's sake, so this is REALLY ridiculous!

Anyways, today at work I was thinking about how crazy I feel and where this could lead me if it doesn't stop. I have a dear friend, Harry, who is currently on a National tour and he is an amazing actor and writer. I asked for him to write me a musical based on my everlasting period and gave him particular scenarios. The following is what he wrote:

First....a word from my dear friend Harry, who wrote this for me yesterday.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE


(On stage a lone stool. A woman enters a spotlight as the overture's final strains fade away. She sits. Instantly the stage is bathed in red)
WOMAN:
I am just an ordinary woman. With a monthly friend.

SONG: GUESS WHO'S COMIN' TO VISIT?
EVERY MONTH LIKE CLOCKWORK
WHEN THE TIMING IS THE WORST
MY BODY GETS REAL BLOATED
AND MY TAMPON'S ABOUT TO BURST

YES IT'S BLOODY
YES IT'S GROSS
IT'S THE TIME OF MONTH
I HATE THE MOST
STILL, SHE NEVER MISSED IT
IT'S MY AUNT FLO'S VISIT!

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO VISIT
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO STAY
SHE'LL BE HERE A DAY OR TWO
MAYBE LONGER, WHO CAN SAY?

SHE ALWAYS MESSES MY PLANS UP
MADE PLANNING SEX A ROTTEN CHORE
IT'S LIKE I'VE TAKEN A VOW OF CHARITY
WHEN i WANT TO BE A WHORE!

GUESS WHO'S COMING TO VISIT
BY NOW I'M SURE YOU KNOW
IT'S THE ONE, THE ONLY
IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF BALONEY
HER FAVORITE COLOR IS RED
AND I WISH SHE WOULD DROP DEAD
I'D RATHER GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE INSTEAD!
MY FRIENDS, IT'S TIME YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR WITH THIS SHOW
STARRING ME AND MY DEAR
(hit of drums)
AUNT
(hit of drums)
FLO--------------------------------------------------------------------------------!

I started thinking of the scenarios I requested and decided to do the rest myself.

The following is a pseudo-mock diary of what has happened to me, and what could happen to me down the road. Certain events are true, the others you will just have to wonder about. And with that, I welcome you all back to another edition of The Heather Chronicles.

Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin


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Welcome back my friends! I know it hasn't been that long, but something quite shocking happened to me last night. Something almost mystifying. Something that surprised even myself. Something so internal, the reaction could have been internal.

I'm just going to cut to the chase and let you read.

Welcome back to The Heather Chronicles... Read More

Dear Bitch-Ass Period,

It has been almost two weeks, and you continue to shed your nastiness out of my coo. I am very angry at you right now! I am not even supposed to be having my period right now, as I took my pills through what was supposed to be my period. But did you listen? No! Instead you come along two days early on my Hawaiian vacation and won't go away. You made me shark bait in the fucking water, and you're just lucky I didn't get bit!

How much bleeding can one do? If I had been stabbed and bled this much, I would have surely been dead right now. I do feel sick though. The cramps continue to be horrendous and I am getting fatter by the minute because all I want is chocolate and red meat, and I must feed you, as I fear what you would do should I turn against you again. Please go away period! I beg of you! I just want to feel better, and not be fat and iron depleted. You are driving me insane, and I can't afford to keep buying tampons to shut you the fuck up!

If I could I'd beat your bitch-ass, I would. I'd strangle you and throw you against the wall! However, you are a period and that would leave my room looking like a murder scene. Go away!!! I have apparently lost so much blood that I am now losing my mind.

Period go home. Go back to my uterus and leave in peace for a month. I can't take it anymore!

Best regards,

Heather

Welcome to another edition of The Heather Chronicles! Since nothing super exciting is happening, and the life-changing events that are happening to me are just too much to even share right now, I have decided that for a while I shall share stories from my past with y'all.

Yes, yes, I know. I'm like that damned grandma rocking on the front porch sharing stories while peeling potatoes. Or like that barfly who always slurring about the crazy shit that always happens to him because he's always drunk. Actually, that is more like me. I mean, I'm not always drunk, but many weird things happen to me and alcohol can be part of it, but is rarely a big factor in the situation.

Anyways, it is time for my "One time...at band camp..." stories.

Enter hazy clouds that show we are reflecting back on a memory.... Read More