THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY TURD
I am having the most fucked up week, it's almost amusing what is really angering me.
1) As everyone knows, the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl. I am doomed to complete my full year of abstinence, which is actually okay since it's turned into a big party that even Desiree is flying out for! The bad calls were horrifying! I can't help wondering if someone with a lot of money put some of it into someone's pocket that wears black & white striped shirts. Still, we made it that far and that was just sooooo amazing.
2) I've told most everyone I see regularly, and I'm done emailing and calling people about it, so forgive me for my blatantness, but a week ago Monday I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease/Emphysema...four days before I have my month of not smoking. It's a whole long deal, but some of it is smoking and some of it could possibly have been genetic. They've caught it early, which is good and I'm on my handi-haler to keep try to keep it from progressing. I pretend that I am okay with it and then I go home and cry my ass off. Not adjusting to it well. Guess it will take more than a week, huh? Hahaha. Duh.
I know this is not the end of the world, but in a time where my friends are all in love, getting married and having kids, I get divorced and get a disease. Hahaha! That sounded really funny to me.
It's just a major lifestyle change and a lot is going to change for me...much in a positive way at least. I keep telling myself that life will get better in terms of me moving and truly living and being good to my body more. Still, I'm pissed and bitter and am screaming at every bad driver. Work seems stupid to me and my attitude needs a MAJOR adjustment!
3) Out of all of this though, do you know what is the most upsetting to me? My medication has a side effect that I just can't handle...constipation. I can't poo more than a few fucking milk duds to save my sorry life. It's been a week and it's sooooo bad! I have consumed fruit, fiber and massive amounts of Metamucil to clean me out and...nothing. As the week went on I gave in to the diarrhea givers in hopes of clearing my pipes. On top of Vitamin E, I ate red meat, cheese, even ice cream to try to make me sick to my stomach, and all it did was get a tiny penis-sized turd out of me by Saturday morning. It hurts! I ache! I am losing my waist to waste!
By Saturday I was at wit's end. Two Americano's did not do it. COFFEE! Frickin' coffee won't let me poo! I was at Michelle's birthday party and we were all discussing it and prunes were brought up. I noted that I cannot eat actual prunes because they look like cockroaches. Michelle then had the realization that she thought could save my frustrated bowels...prune baby food. Yes my friends, I ate baby food for the first time, and yes, it was prunes. It actually tasted pretty good but also looked like the goal that I was trying to accomplish, which was kind of hard to stomach.
And....nothing. No poo still. Just a couple of more milk duds two days later. And gas. Gas that I have no control of whatsoever. I am like a fucking old lady! I had to warn a coworker not to go in the copy room on Friday, as I'd just ripped ass in there.
I'm desperate! Please! Just let me poo! I told one of my friends that I'm ready to hold a piece of candy near my ass to try to draw it out like someone calling a puppy.
I am 75 in a 33-year old's body with a 12-year old's sense of humor.
And in honor of my dear friend Laura, and an appropriate topic, I shall share a little ditty that she used to sing to me...
Rat nose
Rat nose
Come out and smell the cheese.
Just come out, oh please, oh please!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
With the Clogged Up Muffin
1) As everyone knows, the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl. I am doomed to complete my full year of abstinence, which is actually okay since it's turned into a big party that even Desiree is flying out for! The bad calls were horrifying! I can't help wondering if someone with a lot of money put some of it into someone's pocket that wears black & white striped shirts. Still, we made it that far and that was just sooooo amazing.
2) I've told most everyone I see regularly, and I'm done emailing and calling people about it, so forgive me for my blatantness, but a week ago Monday I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease/Emphysema...four days before I have my month of not smoking. It's a whole long deal, but some of it is smoking and some of it could possibly have been genetic. They've caught it early, which is good and I'm on my handi-haler to keep try to keep it from progressing. I pretend that I am okay with it and then I go home and cry my ass off. Not adjusting to it well. Guess it will take more than a week, huh? Hahaha. Duh.
I know this is not the end of the world, but in a time where my friends are all in love, getting married and having kids, I get divorced and get a disease. Hahaha! That sounded really funny to me.
It's just a major lifestyle change and a lot is going to change for me...much in a positive way at least. I keep telling myself that life will get better in terms of me moving and truly living and being good to my body more. Still, I'm pissed and bitter and am screaming at every bad driver. Work seems stupid to me and my attitude needs a MAJOR adjustment!
3) Out of all of this though, do you know what is the most upsetting to me? My medication has a side effect that I just can't handle...constipation. I can't poo more than a few fucking milk duds to save my sorry life. It's been a week and it's sooooo bad! I have consumed fruit, fiber and massive amounts of Metamucil to clean me out and...nothing. As the week went on I gave in to the diarrhea givers in hopes of clearing my pipes. On top of Vitamin E, I ate red meat, cheese, even ice cream to try to make me sick to my stomach, and all it did was get a tiny penis-sized turd out of me by Saturday morning. It hurts! I ache! I am losing my waist to waste!
By Saturday I was at wit's end. Two Americano's did not do it. COFFEE! Frickin' coffee won't let me poo! I was at Michelle's birthday party and we were all discussing it and prunes were brought up. I noted that I cannot eat actual prunes because they look like cockroaches. Michelle then had the realization that she thought could save my frustrated bowels...prune baby food. Yes my friends, I ate baby food for the first time, and yes, it was prunes. It actually tasted pretty good but also looked like the goal that I was trying to accomplish, which was kind of hard to stomach.
And....nothing. No poo still. Just a couple of more milk duds two days later. And gas. Gas that I have no control of whatsoever. I am like a fucking old lady! I had to warn a coworker not to go in the copy room on Friday, as I'd just ripped ass in there.
I'm desperate! Please! Just let me poo! I told one of my friends that I'm ready to hold a piece of candy near my ass to try to draw it out like someone calling a puppy.
I am 75 in a 33-year old's body with a 12-year old's sense of humor.
And in honor of my dear friend Laura, and an appropriate topic, I shall share a little ditty that she used to sing to me...
Rat nose
Rat nose
Come out and smell the cheese.
Just come out, oh please, oh please!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
With the Clogged Up Muffin
