TALKING SHIT
My friends, it has arrived...twice! I actually went twice today, and part of last night's dinner revisited this afternoon for trip #2, so that means I'm close to having my bowels caught up!!!! I can't express the gratitude for these two precious moments today. And with that, I need to share a story that I heard tonight.
Terri called me to tell me of something I have never heard of...The Poo Talker. Now, I know what you're thinking, someone who talks on the phone while pooping? No. We've covered that territory. This is something I don't think I've ever experienced. Here is the story.
Her husband works with this guy who is a poo talker. The poo talker apparently recognizes his shoes and will talk to him while they are BOTH taking a shit! Thing is, he can't ignore the guy because he knows it's him. I told her he should pretend he's someone else and make up a voice. Terri suggested that Saturday Night Live write a skit for this. Instead, I will do it for them.
SETTING
Men's work restroom. There are two stalls and one sink to the left of the stalls.
Man #1 walks in and looks under the two stall doors and sees the coast is clear. Walks in to far stall, closes door and you see his legs change to sit down position and his pants drop. Man #2 walks in whistling and smiling. Starts to walk in to empty stall and sees feet under the other stall and steps back.
Man #2/Mike: (Leans against closed stall door) Joe! I'd recognize those shoes anywhere! How yah doin' man?
Man #1/Joe: No hablo Englais.
Mike: Hahaha! Good one buddy! I know it's you!
Joe: Hi Mike.
Mike walks into empty stall and closes door, sits and drops pants. Loud fart booms from his stall.
Mike: Ohhhh boy! Been waiting for that all day! So, you watched the Super Bowl, right?
Joe: (sounding somewhat annoyed and scared) Yes Mike.
Mike: (long squeaky fart resembling a balloon having air let out of it comes from stall) Wow! Hahahaha. That's just the opening act! Can you believe the shitty calls that ref made? We were robbed! Whoaaaaa. Speaking of shit...you wouldn't believe the size of the thing that just came out of me. Hahahaha! Did I have SNAKE for dinner?
Joe: Uhhhh. Okay. Yes, we really got robbed. Maybe we can talk about this later?
Mike: (Machine gun farts come from his stall) Oh dear God! Can you SMELL that? I must've had snake with a side of ROT last night! (chuckling) Oh boy! Joe, if I don't make it outta here alive from the stench, will you just make sure that you pull my pants back up before the paramedics find me? Hahahaha!
Joe: Dude, that's just wrong!
Mike: If you were TRULY my friend, you'd wipe my ass first too! Hahahaha!
Joe's toilet flushes and he storms out the stall door to the sink, quickly washing his hands and shaking his head in disgust. Storms out the bathroom door as another man enters the bathroom.
Mike: Joe? Joe?
Man #3: Mike? It's Jim! Joe just left in a hurry.
Mike: Hey man! (loud fart) You gotta wait there! I'm almost done and I gotta show you the SIZE of this thing!
Man #3 rushes out in terror.
Terri called me to tell me of something I have never heard of...The Poo Talker. Now, I know what you're thinking, someone who talks on the phone while pooping? No. We've covered that territory. This is something I don't think I've ever experienced. Here is the story.
Her husband works with this guy who is a poo talker. The poo talker apparently recognizes his shoes and will talk to him while they are BOTH taking a shit! Thing is, he can't ignore the guy because he knows it's him. I told her he should pretend he's someone else and make up a voice. Terri suggested that Saturday Night Live write a skit for this. Instead, I will do it for them.
SETTING
Men's work restroom. There are two stalls and one sink to the left of the stalls.
Man #1 walks in and looks under the two stall doors and sees the coast is clear. Walks in to far stall, closes door and you see his legs change to sit down position and his pants drop. Man #2 walks in whistling and smiling. Starts to walk in to empty stall and sees feet under the other stall and steps back.
Man #2/Mike: (Leans against closed stall door) Joe! I'd recognize those shoes anywhere! How yah doin' man?
Man #1/Joe: No hablo Englais.
Mike: Hahaha! Good one buddy! I know it's you!
Joe: Hi Mike.
Mike walks into empty stall and closes door, sits and drops pants. Loud fart booms from his stall.
Mike: Ohhhh boy! Been waiting for that all day! So, you watched the Super Bowl, right?
Joe: (sounding somewhat annoyed and scared) Yes Mike.
Mike: (long squeaky fart resembling a balloon having air let out of it comes from stall) Wow! Hahahaha. That's just the opening act! Can you believe the shitty calls that ref made? We were robbed! Whoaaaaa. Speaking of shit...you wouldn't believe the size of the thing that just came out of me. Hahahaha! Did I have SNAKE for dinner?
Joe: Uhhhh. Okay. Yes, we really got robbed. Maybe we can talk about this later?
Mike: (Machine gun farts come from his stall) Oh dear God! Can you SMELL that? I must've had snake with a side of ROT last night! (chuckling) Oh boy! Joe, if I don't make it outta here alive from the stench, will you just make sure that you pull my pants back up before the paramedics find me? Hahahaha!
Joe: Dude, that's just wrong!
Mike: If you were TRULY my friend, you'd wipe my ass first too! Hahahaha!
Joe's toilet flushes and he storms out the stall door to the sink, quickly washing his hands and shaking his head in disgust. Storms out the bathroom door as another man enters the bathroom.
Mike: Joe? Joe?
Man #3: Mike? It's Jim! Joe just left in a hurry.
Mike: Hey man! (loud fart) You gotta wait there! I'm almost done and I gotta show you the SIZE of this thing!
Man #3 rushes out in terror.
