ANNIE TO ME HIDE, FEELS LIKE BEING STONED...
I know I just wrote a chronicles, but a commercial just came on that reminded me of something I was thinking of last week.
I'm driving into work and I'm flipping though the stations because I've yet to put a CD player into my car, and all of a sudden I hear it. Now we all have certain songs that we absolutely freak out when we hear it. We start singing and dancing and throwing our panties out the window...well not quite that, just a thought.
So I'm driving in to work last week and it came on...Golden Earrings's "Twilight Zone". Go ahead, laugh your little or fat asses off. I don't care. We all have our secrets, but I just tell all mine! Yes, you think you know me? Well did you know that one? I think maybe two of you did! And that's only if you remember that conversation after all these years.
I screamed. Yes, I seriously screamed out loud when I heard it. And the dancing started. Did I care that I was surrounded by cars with drivers so bored, they surely noticed the redhead bopping around like a maniac in her silver Saturn? Noooooooo. I was happy and I was free. Then the singing started...kind of.
"Now I'm steppin' into the Twilight Zone. Annie to me hide. Feels like being stoned. My weakness pulls though an ye full of throne. Something and something something goes and oohhhhhh oohhhhhhh."
This is seriously what I sang as I danced my ass off in the car. Thing is, only a few of those words are actual. I know. It's shocking. It's...hideous to think that I could make up something like that, but alas it's true. In the 20 or so years that song has been out, I have never been able to understand what the hell that man is singing except for "Now we're stepping into the Twilight Zone..." and then it's all up to me and my imagination.
With the days of the internet, you'd think I'd have looked up the lyrics, but I can't bring myself to do it. Part of me knows I will laugh my ass off at what the words really are, but the other part of me knows I will also feel a sense of loss at the possibility of him singing about Annie and feeling like being stoned.
There is one other song notorious to me that I do this with. It is Duran Duran's "New Moon on Monday." I have always loved this song, but only know the part, "....New moon on Monday. When there's five days through the night..." The rest of the time I just mutter or make up my own words.
And somehow there is beauty in it all, I love that part of life.
Now, post your comments. Sing me the tunes you don't know and the words you make up for it.
Love,
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
I'm driving into work and I'm flipping though the stations because I've yet to put a CD player into my car, and all of a sudden I hear it. Now we all have certain songs that we absolutely freak out when we hear it. We start singing and dancing and throwing our panties out the window...well not quite that, just a thought.
So I'm driving in to work last week and it came on...Golden Earrings's "Twilight Zone". Go ahead, laugh your little or fat asses off. I don't care. We all have our secrets, but I just tell all mine! Yes, you think you know me? Well did you know that one? I think maybe two of you did! And that's only if you remember that conversation after all these years.
I screamed. Yes, I seriously screamed out loud when I heard it. And the dancing started. Did I care that I was surrounded by cars with drivers so bored, they surely noticed the redhead bopping around like a maniac in her silver Saturn? Noooooooo. I was happy and I was free. Then the singing started...kind of.
"Now I'm steppin' into the Twilight Zone. Annie to me hide. Feels like being stoned. My weakness pulls though an ye full of throne. Something and something something goes and oohhhhhh oohhhhhhh."
This is seriously what I sang as I danced my ass off in the car. Thing is, only a few of those words are actual. I know. It's shocking. It's...hideous to think that I could make up something like that, but alas it's true. In the 20 or so years that song has been out, I have never been able to understand what the hell that man is singing except for "Now we're stepping into the Twilight Zone..." and then it's all up to me and my imagination.
With the days of the internet, you'd think I'd have looked up the lyrics, but I can't bring myself to do it. Part of me knows I will laugh my ass off at what the words really are, but the other part of me knows I will also feel a sense of loss at the possibility of him singing about Annie and feeling like being stoned.
There is one other song notorious to me that I do this with. It is Duran Duran's "New Moon on Monday." I have always loved this song, but only know the part, "....New moon on Monday. When there's five days through the night..." The rest of the time I just mutter or make up my own words.
And somehow there is beauty in it all, I love that part of life.
Now, post your comments. Sing me the tunes you don't know and the words you make up for it.
Love,
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY
It is near 10 PM and Tarot has sneekily made his way into my room and is giving my calf the love it needs. Thank God that Valentines Day is near over! I hate today. I think it's so commercialized that those who should be showing love daily are made to feel guilty if they don't go over the top for this one day, and if you are single you are taunted into standing in the corner with your single serving tofu, organic lasagna and bottle of wine.
Today is the four-year anniversary of my divorce. Makes me sad, but more than anything, I'm bummed that I wasted four years of my life with that person. Four pivotal years of my 20's. Good things came of it, mainly that I met some great people when I moved to Arizona, actually that's it. Oh! And I learned all the what not to do's and how not to's from that marriage...and the next relationship. Anyways, I usually hate today whether alone or with someone. It just hurts.
So tonight I worked out, bought my dinner for the night, read the Valentine's card from my friend's 2-year old son that was the most beautiful scribble ever, got flowers from my father, was told by a gay man that I'm loved, drank too much Chilean wine, played with fire while watching the most beautiful proposal and then tuned into Lisa Loeb's quest for love, and sang Peter Brady's "Seasons Change" to Tony to prove that my fucking handi-haler is changing my voice and that I'm kinda drunk right now.
I hate today.
Happy Fucking Valentines Day. Oh! Except a positive "Happy Valentines Day" to my cousin Dean in North Carolina. He got married today and won a Redneck Wedding from a radio station there. They and nine other couples got married at a car dealership and she wore a red dress and had a Krispy Kreme donut wedding cake! Can't wait to hear more from my mother. LOVE the red wedding dress...would never wear white again if I were so madly in love I was dumb enough to marry again. Saw a red wedding dress at the bridal fair and LOVED it! And who can argue with Krispy Kreme? Congratulations Dean!
So, once again...Happy Fucking Valentines Day! But I do love you all, or actually, I love those I know. All those I don't...whatever. Maybe I will love you someday.
Heather McDuffin
The Heart-Shaped Muffin
Today is the four-year anniversary of my divorce. Makes me sad, but more than anything, I'm bummed that I wasted four years of my life with that person. Four pivotal years of my 20's. Good things came of it, mainly that I met some great people when I moved to Arizona, actually that's it. Oh! And I learned all the what not to do's and how not to's from that marriage...and the next relationship. Anyways, I usually hate today whether alone or with someone. It just hurts.
So tonight I worked out, bought my dinner for the night, read the Valentine's card from my friend's 2-year old son that was the most beautiful scribble ever, got flowers from my father, was told by a gay man that I'm loved, drank too much Chilean wine, played with fire while watching the most beautiful proposal and then tuned into Lisa Loeb's quest for love, and sang Peter Brady's "Seasons Change" to Tony to prove that my fucking handi-haler is changing my voice and that I'm kinda drunk right now.
I hate today.
Happy Fucking Valentines Day. Oh! Except a positive "Happy Valentines Day" to my cousin Dean in North Carolina. He got married today and won a Redneck Wedding from a radio station there. They and nine other couples got married at a car dealership and she wore a red dress and had a Krispy Kreme donut wedding cake! Can't wait to hear more from my mother. LOVE the red wedding dress...would never wear white again if I were so madly in love I was dumb enough to marry again. Saw a red wedding dress at the bridal fair and LOVED it! And who can argue with Krispy Kreme? Congratulations Dean!
So, once again...Happy Fucking Valentines Day! But I do love you all, or actually, I love those I know. All those I don't...whatever. Maybe I will love you someday.
Heather McDuffin
The Heart-Shaped Muffin
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
I think I just saw my life flash before me. I'm freaking out internally at the moment. I, I want to just sit outside and cry. Okay, here's the deal. Since the diagnosis I have come to realize that I need to change things in my life. I am eating organically, still exercising regularly, and am reading up on certain herbs and supplements to take for the emphysema. I have been looking into places with better air quality that is more conducive for my condition and am researching some of that, which is exciting. Thing is what I REALLY want to do and have been looking into, is teaching English abroad. Have heard that you don't have to have a college degree so long as you complete the certification process. Apparently no more. I finally found the accurate site and information I've been looking for and found that while that may be true of in some countries, most countries are now requiring a "second degree"...you're BA/BS.
I suddenly feel old and freaked out. If I were to go to college full-time right now, I would be 37 by the time I graduated. However I can't go full-time, so that would put me in my 40's. And the cost to take one class even though community college is ridiculous and fucked up. There's something wrong with this place when classes with their books cost close to rent. I just don't think I can do it. I mean I could and be stuck with student loans for years to come like so many others I know, but I'd rather not.
Ugh. Why can't anything just work out perfectly and lead me to some glorious path I've been looking for? Yes, I know. That is why I like to sleep. It's much easier there sometimes.
I suddenly feel old and freaked out. If I were to go to college full-time right now, I would be 37 by the time I graduated. However I can't go full-time, so that would put me in my 40's. And the cost to take one class even though community college is ridiculous and fucked up. There's something wrong with this place when classes with their books cost close to rent. I just don't think I can do it. I mean I could and be stuck with student loans for years to come like so many others I know, but I'd rather not.
Ugh. Why can't anything just work out perfectly and lead me to some glorious path I've been looking for? Yes, I know. That is why I like to sleep. It's much easier there sometimes.
TALKING SHIT
My friends, it has arrived...twice! I actually went twice today, and part of last night's dinner revisited this afternoon for trip #2, so that means I'm close to having my bowels caught up!!!! I can't express the gratitude for these two precious moments today. And with that, I need to share a story that I heard tonight.
Terri called me to tell me of something I have never heard of...The Poo Talker. Now, I know what you're thinking, someone who talks on the phone while pooping? No. We've covered that territory. This is something I don't think I've ever experienced. Here is the story.
Her husband works with this guy who is a poo talker. The poo talker apparently recognizes his shoes and will talk to him while they are BOTH taking a shit! Thing is, he can't ignore the guy because he knows it's him. I told her he should pretend he's someone else and make up a voice. Terri suggested that Saturday Night Live write a skit for this. Instead, I will do it for them.
SETTING
Men's work restroom. There are two stalls and one sink to the left of the stalls.
Man #1 walks in and looks under the two stall doors and sees the coast is clear. Walks in to far stall, closes door and you see his legs change to sit down position and his pants drop. Man #2 walks in whistling and smiling. Starts to walk in to empty stall and sees feet under the other stall and steps back.
Man #2/Mike: (Leans against closed stall door) Joe! I'd recognize those shoes anywhere! How yah doin' man?
Man #1/Joe: No hablo Englais.
Mike: Hahaha! Good one buddy! I know it's you!
Joe: Hi Mike.
Mike walks into empty stall and closes door, sits and drops pants. Loud fart booms from his stall.
Mike: Ohhhh boy! Been waiting for that all day! So, you watched the Super Bowl, right?
Joe: (sounding somewhat annoyed and scared) Yes Mike.
Mike: (long squeaky fart resembling a balloon having air let out of it comes from stall) Wow! Hahahaha. That's just the opening act! Can you believe the shitty calls that ref made? We were robbed! Whoaaaaa. Speaking of shit...you wouldn't believe the size of the thing that just came out of me. Hahahaha! Did I have SNAKE for dinner?
Joe: Uhhhh. Okay. Yes, we really got robbed. Maybe we can talk about this later?
Mike: (Machine gun farts come from his stall) Oh dear God! Can you SMELL that? I must've had snake with a side of ROT last night! (chuckling) Oh boy! Joe, if I don't make it outta here alive from the stench, will you just make sure that you pull my pants back up before the paramedics find me? Hahahaha!
Joe: Dude, that's just wrong!
Mike: If you were TRULY my friend, you'd wipe my ass first too! Hahahaha!
Joe's toilet flushes and he storms out the stall door to the sink, quickly washing his hands and shaking his head in disgust. Storms out the bathroom door as another man enters the bathroom.
Mike: Joe? Joe?
Man #3: Mike? It's Jim! Joe just left in a hurry.
Mike: Hey man! (loud fart) You gotta wait there! I'm almost done and I gotta show you the SIZE of this thing!
Man #3 rushes out in terror.
Terri called me to tell me of something I have never heard of...The Poo Talker. Now, I know what you're thinking, someone who talks on the phone while pooping? No. We've covered that territory. This is something I don't think I've ever experienced. Here is the story.
Her husband works with this guy who is a poo talker. The poo talker apparently recognizes his shoes and will talk to him while they are BOTH taking a shit! Thing is, he can't ignore the guy because he knows it's him. I told her he should pretend he's someone else and make up a voice. Terri suggested that Saturday Night Live write a skit for this. Instead, I will do it for them.
SETTING
Men's work restroom. There are two stalls and one sink to the left of the stalls.
Man #1 walks in and looks under the two stall doors and sees the coast is clear. Walks in to far stall, closes door and you see his legs change to sit down position and his pants drop. Man #2 walks in whistling and smiling. Starts to walk in to empty stall and sees feet under the other stall and steps back.
Man #2/Mike: (Leans against closed stall door) Joe! I'd recognize those shoes anywhere! How yah doin' man?
Man #1/Joe: No hablo Englais.
Mike: Hahaha! Good one buddy! I know it's you!
Joe: Hi Mike.
Mike walks into empty stall and closes door, sits and drops pants. Loud fart booms from his stall.
Mike: Ohhhh boy! Been waiting for that all day! So, you watched the Super Bowl, right?
Joe: (sounding somewhat annoyed and scared) Yes Mike.
Mike: (long squeaky fart resembling a balloon having air let out of it comes from stall) Wow! Hahahaha. That's just the opening act! Can you believe the shitty calls that ref made? We were robbed! Whoaaaaa. Speaking of shit...you wouldn't believe the size of the thing that just came out of me. Hahahaha! Did I have SNAKE for dinner?
Joe: Uhhhh. Okay. Yes, we really got robbed. Maybe we can talk about this later?
Mike: (Machine gun farts come from his stall) Oh dear God! Can you SMELL that? I must've had snake with a side of ROT last night! (chuckling) Oh boy! Joe, if I don't make it outta here alive from the stench, will you just make sure that you pull my pants back up before the paramedics find me? Hahahaha!
Joe: Dude, that's just wrong!
Mike: If you were TRULY my friend, you'd wipe my ass first too! Hahahaha!
Joe's toilet flushes and he storms out the stall door to the sink, quickly washing his hands and shaking his head in disgust. Storms out the bathroom door as another man enters the bathroom.
Mike: Joe? Joe?
Man #3: Mike? It's Jim! Joe just left in a hurry.
Mike: Hey man! (loud fart) You gotta wait there! I'm almost done and I gotta show you the SIZE of this thing!
Man #3 rushes out in terror.
THE SEARCH FOR THE HOLY TURD
I am having the most fucked up week, it's almost amusing what is really angering me.
1) As everyone knows, the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl. I am doomed to complete my full year of abstinence, which is actually okay since it's turned into a big party that even Desiree is flying out for! The bad calls were horrifying! I can't help wondering if someone with a lot of money put some of it into someone's pocket that wears black & white striped shirts. Still, we made it that far and that was just sooooo amazing.
2) I've told most everyone I see regularly, and I'm done emailing and calling people about it, so forgive me for my blatantness, but a week ago Monday I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease/Emphysema...four days before I have my month of not smoking. It's a whole long deal, but some of it is smoking and some of it could possibly have been genetic. They've caught it early, which is good and I'm on my handi-haler to keep try to keep it from progressing. I pretend that I am okay with it and then I go home and cry my ass off. Not adjusting to it well. Guess it will take more than a week, huh? Hahaha. Duh.
I know this is not the end of the world, but in a time where my friends are all in love, getting married and having kids, I get divorced and get a disease. Hahaha! That sounded really funny to me.
It's just a major lifestyle change and a lot is going to change for me...much in a positive way at least. I keep telling myself that life will get better in terms of me moving and truly living and being good to my body more. Still, I'm pissed and bitter and am screaming at every bad driver. Work seems stupid to me and my attitude needs a MAJOR adjustment!
3) Out of all of this though, do you know what is the most upsetting to me? My medication has a side effect that I just can't handle...constipation. I can't poo more than a few fucking milk duds to save my sorry life. It's been a week and it's sooooo bad! I have consumed fruit, fiber and massive amounts of Metamucil to clean me out and...nothing. As the week went on I gave in to the diarrhea givers in hopes of clearing my pipes. On top of Vitamin E, I ate red meat, cheese, even ice cream to try to make me sick to my stomach, and all it did was get a tiny penis-sized turd out of me by Saturday morning. It hurts! I ache! I am losing my waist to waste!
By Saturday I was at wit's end. Two Americano's did not do it. COFFEE! Frickin' coffee won't let me poo! I was at Michelle's birthday party and we were all discussing it and prunes were brought up. I noted that I cannot eat actual prunes because they look like cockroaches. Michelle then had the realization that she thought could save my frustrated bowels...prune baby food. Yes my friends, I ate baby food for the first time, and yes, it was prunes. It actually tasted pretty good but also looked like the goal that I was trying to accomplish, which was kind of hard to stomach.
And....nothing. No poo still. Just a couple of more milk duds two days later. And gas. Gas that I have no control of whatsoever. I am like a fucking old lady! I had to warn a coworker not to go in the copy room on Friday, as I'd just ripped ass in there.
I'm desperate! Please! Just let me poo! I told one of my friends that I'm ready to hold a piece of candy near my ass to try to draw it out like someone calling a puppy.
I am 75 in a 33-year old's body with a 12-year old's sense of humor.
And in honor of my dear friend Laura, and an appropriate topic, I shall share a little ditty that she used to sing to me...
Rat nose
Rat nose
Come out and smell the cheese.
Just come out, oh please, oh please!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
With the Clogged Up Muffin
1) As everyone knows, the Seahawks lost the Super Bowl. I am doomed to complete my full year of abstinence, which is actually okay since it's turned into a big party that even Desiree is flying out for! The bad calls were horrifying! I can't help wondering if someone with a lot of money put some of it into someone's pocket that wears black & white striped shirts. Still, we made it that far and that was just sooooo amazing.
2) I've told most everyone I see regularly, and I'm done emailing and calling people about it, so forgive me for my blatantness, but a week ago Monday I was diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease/Emphysema...four days before I have my month of not smoking. It's a whole long deal, but some of it is smoking and some of it could possibly have been genetic. They've caught it early, which is good and I'm on my handi-haler to keep try to keep it from progressing. I pretend that I am okay with it and then I go home and cry my ass off. Not adjusting to it well. Guess it will take more than a week, huh? Hahaha. Duh.
I know this is not the end of the world, but in a time where my friends are all in love, getting married and having kids, I get divorced and get a disease. Hahaha! That sounded really funny to me.
It's just a major lifestyle change and a lot is going to change for me...much in a positive way at least. I keep telling myself that life will get better in terms of me moving and truly living and being good to my body more. Still, I'm pissed and bitter and am screaming at every bad driver. Work seems stupid to me and my attitude needs a MAJOR adjustment!
3) Out of all of this though, do you know what is the most upsetting to me? My medication has a side effect that I just can't handle...constipation. I can't poo more than a few fucking milk duds to save my sorry life. It's been a week and it's sooooo bad! I have consumed fruit, fiber and massive amounts of Metamucil to clean me out and...nothing. As the week went on I gave in to the diarrhea givers in hopes of clearing my pipes. On top of Vitamin E, I ate red meat, cheese, even ice cream to try to make me sick to my stomach, and all it did was get a tiny penis-sized turd out of me by Saturday morning. It hurts! I ache! I am losing my waist to waste!
By Saturday I was at wit's end. Two Americano's did not do it. COFFEE! Frickin' coffee won't let me poo! I was at Michelle's birthday party and we were all discussing it and prunes were brought up. I noted that I cannot eat actual prunes because they look like cockroaches. Michelle then had the realization that she thought could save my frustrated bowels...prune baby food. Yes my friends, I ate baby food for the first time, and yes, it was prunes. It actually tasted pretty good but also looked like the goal that I was trying to accomplish, which was kind of hard to stomach.
And....nothing. No poo still. Just a couple of more milk duds two days later. And gas. Gas that I have no control of whatsoever. I am like a fucking old lady! I had to warn a coworker not to go in the copy room on Friday, as I'd just ripped ass in there.
I'm desperate! Please! Just let me poo! I told one of my friends that I'm ready to hold a piece of candy near my ass to try to draw it out like someone calling a puppy.
I am 75 in a 33-year old's body with a 12-year old's sense of humor.
And in honor of my dear friend Laura, and an appropriate topic, I shall share a little ditty that she used to sing to me...
Rat nose
Rat nose
Come out and smell the cheese.
Just come out, oh please, oh please!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
With the Clogged Up Muffin
