A LETTER FROM MY MOTHER
Alright, not to get too sappy, but tough shit. I am. I'm allowing myself tonight as one last night to cry and wallow and feel really, really sad. I know I already wrote today, but I was reading my friend's blog and she was talking about recently coming across a letter she'd written in 6th grade, back in 1992 (you were in 6th grade in '92????), which was a letter to her future self. She shared it and posed the question of whether her past self would have liked her current self, and if her future self would like the person she currently is.
After reading this, I ran to the memory box that has been a big part of this weekend for me, and grabbed the two letters my mother wrote to me as a child on my birthday. I have not read these in about four years. I felt the urge to read them (I always forget the details) and sat and cried as I watched the Oscars and read my mother's letters. The content seemed too appropriate for what I am going through in my life right now and touched my heart. I feel the need to share this. Mom, I hope you're okay with me sharing one of the letters. And please note, we were Mormon and this was a very encompassing part of our lives back then, so it's pretty religious at times. I have eliminated some of the more churchy parts.
October 5, 1975 (Age 3)
My Dearest Little Heather,
I have wanted to write you a special letter on each of your birthdays, but I didn't follow through. This year has been such a special one for you, as well as us as a family, that I wanted to be sure to keep some record of it for you.
Last year on your birthday we had just moved into a lovely new home and things seemed to look so good for the future. We took you to the zoo and gave you a hobby horse for your birthday. You were so thrilled with it. Little did we know that within a few months you wouldn't even be able to get on your new horse.
In November we were celebrating Thanksgiving with several families in the ward. You were playing and fell in the kitchen. You weren't able to stand up the next couple of days, so we took you to the doctor. He took x-rays and said nothing was broken and that you should be alright soon. Months went by and you did not improve. You continued to limp on your left leg. We were sent to two specialists and finally to Children's Orthopedic Hospital in Seattle where it was determined (after numerous painful tests) that you had a nerve disease of some sort. At first they believed it to be a congenital nerve disease for which there was no cure. At the time your entire body was involved - not just your legs. Your head and arms, neck and hands were also losing their strength. We were very frightened for you. Through all the painful tests and hard times you were going through, you were always such a little trooper. It was difficult for me to see why our Heavenly Father was allowing this to happen to you. Your Dad helped me to see that we would all be stronger for it.
...We felt frightened that we were going to lose you to whatever this disease was.
...We later found out from the doctor that the Bishop was right. Your nerve disease was a temporary one, but would take 1 - 1-1/2 years to get over it.
Within the last month you have been able to do things you haven't done for months, like riding your trike; going up and down the stairs on your own, walking fast without falling; lifting your arms above your head and having your speech improve. Throughout all this, your loving attitude and sweet, precious spirit has been an inspiration to me.
We started you in Junior Sunday School and Primary two weeks ago. We were so proud of you. Many of your little friends were crying, but you were so happy and contented. I stood out in the hall and cried after I took you into Junior Sunday School for the first time. You're growing up so fast. I fee like you're slipping away. I want to see you grow and develop and partake of new experiences. Yet deep down I'm afraid this will all change you - and sometimes I'm frightened of that.
Yet, Heather, I'm anxious for you to change and grow. I know the spirit within you will always stay as sweet and special as it is now. I can see the things that you have encountered this past year have strengthened you.
...Heather, I earnestly hope and pray that this coming year will be a growing one for you - especially in regards to your health. I hope your love for others will continue to grow also. I pray your heart and mind will be blessed to understand and accept the things you will be taught in church as well as at home.
I pray that I'll be able to take care of your needs and desires and help you in the ways I should. I seel so fortunate to have you for a daughter and to know we're sealed for eternity. I pray our love for each other will be strengthened each year.
...I hope you will always have the beautiful child-like faith you have now...If you don't, work hard at it. I know if you've been able to get through this past year with such a kind, loving attitude, you can do anything.
Always know how precious you are to me and to your father. You are our firstborn and so very, very special.
I love you with all my heart.
Happy Birthday.
With love -
Mommy
***********
Mom, thank you for reminding me thirty years later that I can get through anything and keep love and kindness in my heart. I needed to be reminded of this so badly right now. I love you so very much. Thank you. I promise to stop whining and start being strong.
Heather
After reading this, I ran to the memory box that has been a big part of this weekend for me, and grabbed the two letters my mother wrote to me as a child on my birthday. I have not read these in about four years. I felt the urge to read them (I always forget the details) and sat and cried as I watched the Oscars and read my mother's letters. The content seemed too appropriate for what I am going through in my life right now and touched my heart. I feel the need to share this. Mom, I hope you're okay with me sharing one of the letters. And please note, we were Mormon and this was a very encompassing part of our lives back then, so it's pretty religious at times. I have eliminated some of the more churchy parts.
October 5, 1975 (Age 3)
My Dearest Little Heather,
I have wanted to write you a special letter on each of your birthdays, but I didn't follow through. This year has been such a special one for you, as well as us as a family, that I wanted to be sure to keep some record of it for you.
Last year on your birthday we had just moved into a lovely new home and things seemed to look so good for the future. We took you to the zoo and gave you a hobby horse for your birthday. You were so thrilled with it. Little did we know that within a few months you wouldn't even be able to get on your new horse.
In November we were celebrating Thanksgiving with several families in the ward. You were playing and fell in the kitchen. You weren't able to stand up the next couple of days, so we took you to the doctor. He took x-rays and said nothing was broken and that you should be alright soon. Months went by and you did not improve. You continued to limp on your left leg. We were sent to two specialists and finally to Children's Orthopedic Hospital in Seattle where it was determined (after numerous painful tests) that you had a nerve disease of some sort. At first they believed it to be a congenital nerve disease for which there was no cure. At the time your entire body was involved - not just your legs. Your head and arms, neck and hands were also losing their strength. We were very frightened for you. Through all the painful tests and hard times you were going through, you were always such a little trooper. It was difficult for me to see why our Heavenly Father was allowing this to happen to you. Your Dad helped me to see that we would all be stronger for it.
...We felt frightened that we were going to lose you to whatever this disease was.
...We later found out from the doctor that the Bishop was right. Your nerve disease was a temporary one, but would take 1 - 1-1/2 years to get over it.
Within the last month you have been able to do things you haven't done for months, like riding your trike; going up and down the stairs on your own, walking fast without falling; lifting your arms above your head and having your speech improve. Throughout all this, your loving attitude and sweet, precious spirit has been an inspiration to me.
We started you in Junior Sunday School and Primary two weeks ago. We were so proud of you. Many of your little friends were crying, but you were so happy and contented. I stood out in the hall and cried after I took you into Junior Sunday School for the first time. You're growing up so fast. I fee like you're slipping away. I want to see you grow and develop and partake of new experiences. Yet deep down I'm afraid this will all change you - and sometimes I'm frightened of that.
Yet, Heather, I'm anxious for you to change and grow. I know the spirit within you will always stay as sweet and special as it is now. I can see the things that you have encountered this past year have strengthened you.
...Heather, I earnestly hope and pray that this coming year will be a growing one for you - especially in regards to your health. I hope your love for others will continue to grow also. I pray your heart and mind will be blessed to understand and accept the things you will be taught in church as well as at home.
I pray that I'll be able to take care of your needs and desires and help you in the ways I should. I seel so fortunate to have you for a daughter and to know we're sealed for eternity. I pray our love for each other will be strengthened each year.
...I hope you will always have the beautiful child-like faith you have now...If you don't, work hard at it. I know if you've been able to get through this past year with such a kind, loving attitude, you can do anything.
Always know how precious you are to me and to your father. You are our firstborn and so very, very special.
I love you with all my heart.
Happy Birthday.
With love -
Mommy
***********
Mom, thank you for reminding me thirty years later that I can get through anything and keep love and kindness in my heart. I needed to be reminded of this so badly right now. I love you so very much. Thank you. I promise to stop whining and start being strong.
Heather
THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL
We have all heard the saying, "Life is what you make it." We also know the saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." I to both typically say, "Fuck off."
I am one that holds great optimism in the lives and dreams of others. I am of great support to people and can either be the voice of reason, or the one pushing you to just jump. For my own life I feel these words and attitudes are definitely in my head, and goals that I would love to truly, truly live by. Instead I keep them in my head and only let them into my heart when occasional break opens up in the traffic of my mind.
I'm always seeking growth, spirit and enlightenment, yet I rarely seem to hold onto what I do find. Instead I am distracted by daily nuances or major life changes.
Now, life is never easy. We all struggle, we all cry, we all encounter obstacles in life. Some of us have had a mindset of perseverance and not let troubles get in our way. I know many wonderful people with this strong mindset and positive attitude. I adore and envy these people. I wish I had this. Instead, I have tried and given up, fallen down, laid in the dirt and taken time to get back up, then repeated the same thing years later. I have often been told that I am strong since I have overcome the things I have gone through, yet I have never thought of myself as strong. I always think of myself as weak, yet stubborn.
With the recent diagnosis of emphysema, I have not handled this well. I decided I would just think of this as living with diabetes or something to that nature. Instead I have dwelled upon what lays ahead, the struggles that my doctor has told me I will encounter, the medicines I will have to stay on for the rest of my life. I have cried and isolated because my lung tests have gotten worse, my breathing less abled than what I am used to. I have drank more than usual, eaten more than usual, not treated my body the way I should be treating it, particularly now. I by no means am going to die now, but I am pissed. I am pissed that after almost dying two years ago in May, I get this. I survive for this? I am enraged and I don't understand and I hate the loss of control over my body. Somewhere inside this muck around my soul, I felt destined for some sort of greatness, whether it be love or laughter or to simply touch the lives of others. I felt SOMETHING wonderful was to happen. Now I just feel angry.
This weekend has been weird. I have been in tune to more coincidences, seen many truths and had many a mind blowing revelation that wasn't always pretty. Now I just feel raw to the world. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of crying and asking why me? I'm tired of feeling like a fucking victim. I want to take my life back. I want to be one of those people that surpass the expectations of others. I want to inspire and touch people's lives. I want to feel free, to feel love, to feel content in where the universe takes me despite it's road blocks.
I'm done. I'm done with with acting like a sissy. It's time for a new path, and I WILL take it on full speed ahead.
-Heather
I am one that holds great optimism in the lives and dreams of others. I am of great support to people and can either be the voice of reason, or the one pushing you to just jump. For my own life I feel these words and attitudes are definitely in my head, and goals that I would love to truly, truly live by. Instead I keep them in my head and only let them into my heart when occasional break opens up in the traffic of my mind.
I'm always seeking growth, spirit and enlightenment, yet I rarely seem to hold onto what I do find. Instead I am distracted by daily nuances or major life changes.
Now, life is never easy. We all struggle, we all cry, we all encounter obstacles in life. Some of us have had a mindset of perseverance and not let troubles get in our way. I know many wonderful people with this strong mindset and positive attitude. I adore and envy these people. I wish I had this. Instead, I have tried and given up, fallen down, laid in the dirt and taken time to get back up, then repeated the same thing years later. I have often been told that I am strong since I have overcome the things I have gone through, yet I have never thought of myself as strong. I always think of myself as weak, yet stubborn.
With the recent diagnosis of emphysema, I have not handled this well. I decided I would just think of this as living with diabetes or something to that nature. Instead I have dwelled upon what lays ahead, the struggles that my doctor has told me I will encounter, the medicines I will have to stay on for the rest of my life. I have cried and isolated because my lung tests have gotten worse, my breathing less abled than what I am used to. I have drank more than usual, eaten more than usual, not treated my body the way I should be treating it, particularly now. I by no means am going to die now, but I am pissed. I am pissed that after almost dying two years ago in May, I get this. I survive for this? I am enraged and I don't understand and I hate the loss of control over my body. Somewhere inside this muck around my soul, I felt destined for some sort of greatness, whether it be love or laughter or to simply touch the lives of others. I felt SOMETHING wonderful was to happen. Now I just feel angry.
This weekend has been weird. I have been in tune to more coincidences, seen many truths and had many a mind blowing revelation that wasn't always pretty. Now I just feel raw to the world. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of crying and asking why me? I'm tired of feeling like a fucking victim. I want to take my life back. I want to be one of those people that surpass the expectations of others. I want to inspire and touch people's lives. I want to feel free, to feel love, to feel content in where the universe takes me despite it's road blocks.
I'm done. I'm done with with acting like a sissy. It's time for a new path, and I WILL take it on full speed ahead.
-Heather
