The Heather Chronicles

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are in awe of what is happening? Not in the way of, "This sunset is inspiring," but more in the way of, "This is not and should not be going on." For some reason I find myself in that position quite often in life. The severity of the situation varies, but either way it happens.

On Friday I found myself in the dreaded moment of having to poo at work. I would get up and make the trek to the restroom, only to find a coworker tagging along chatting with me as they followed me into the toilet. Fuck! Go away! Go away! What do I do? Just wash my hands? No, they will catch on to the fake out. I go into the stall and just pee, while prohibiting my bum to do more. I walk out and the coworker chats me up while we wash our hands and head back into the office. Knowing I cannot head out the moment I just get back without causing suspision, I wait it out and get distracted. Hours go by and I head to the restroom again. Same thing happens with a different person. This in fact happens to me THREE times.

You can only imagine that by the end of the day I am not feeling too hot from holding it in. I head to the bathroom, finally without a coworker in tow. I walk in and there is already someone in the first stall on the right. I head to the last one on the left, the dark corner that I often reference to coworkers as "the pooping stall". Dark for the unspeakable, I say. As I walk in to the stall I hear rapid machine gun farting coming from the occupied toilet. I stifle a giggle and head into my own stall.

Now, as I've commented before there are rules of the stall. One of the rules is that it's okay to poop and make noise should another already be doing so. In knowing this, I was not worried or planning on holding it in until the other person left. Then things took an interesting turn.

Bawooooooooooo came a low singsong fart from the other stall. I once again stifle a giggle.

A moment passes.

Bahooooaaaaaaa came an equally low singsong fart. I look around in shock realizing that one was a lot closer. Then I realized...Oh my God, it's me! I matched her! It was almost like toilet Simon Says.

This singsong farting is all sounding very familiar and I can't place it. In the span of about one second it hits me...this sounds like those humpback whale meditation tapes I used to listen to, to sleep at night. I've never heard this type of fart yet alone produced one, yet somehow two strangers in two stalls happened to create the sounds of the ocean on a sunny, Friday afternoon. I stick the sleeve of my sweater in my mouth to stop what has now become full on laughter.

Bahuuuuugaaaalaaaa came a responding fart from the other stall.

I can't take this. I seriously can't take this. I'm so grateful to be on the toilet, as I would have peed myself otherwise. I haven't gone yet and I can't allow this to continue without me completely losing it. I hold it in until she leaves, and the moment she did I laughed my ass off hoping no one would walk in to hear the lone, humpback whale calling girl laughing in the stall.

I'm thinking of putting out my own meditation CD with this newfound talent.

"Now close your eyes and plug your nose. Bawuuuuuuaaaaaahhhhhhhh....."

Today is Administrative Professionals' Day. Being a Marketing Assistant, I fall into this category. It's basically a way of taking note of the people who do all the dirty work and have to know everything.

Today I get a thank you card from my department and a card for 10 free coffees. I appreciate this. I'm appreciative of the card most of all. However, what floors me is that when I'm given all this, in a very enthusiastic tone my boss says to me, "And to thank all of you, we brought in SANDWICHES!"

Uh, sandwiches? Who the fuck buys someone a sandwich as a thank you? I mean, if I were Joey on Friends, I would apparently appreciate it. However, I am not, and Friends is FICTION! No one takes a fucking sandwich as this great, personal, touching gesture of thanks. I'm not going to meet my friends tonight and tell them how it was so sweet that my department took me out to lunch for a thank you, instead I will tell them how my company bought me a fucking sandwich to thank me for all my hard work.

Glad to know that this week I am denied a promotion, given a raise that still leaves me broke, and given a sandwich to thank me for Administrative Professionals Day.

And to top if all off, they know I am completely freaked out by sandwiches. I think they are trying to make me quit. At the very least, this is proof that they hate me.

There is something very wrong with this picture.

Do ever wonder what ingredients make up your happiness? Every person has their own recipe, but are there certain things that are staples to each person?

I want love, monogamy, a trusting and loyal relationship, new adventures, laughter every day, a cozy place to live, a different city, arms around me at night, cold pillows, amazing friends, hopefully a kid at some point, committment without marriage, travel, sunshine whether in the cold or the warmth, music, dancing, wine in the winter, sangria in the summer, financial stability without excess, a job I don't hate, game nights, fires in the winter, swimming in the summer, long hikes, fresh air, crickets chirping me to sleep, and for people to be good to each other and love each other, particularly those in my life and anyone I don't know who is lonely.

I have the great friends and family, the laughter, the mini adventures, the cold pillows, music, dancing (but mainly in the shower), wine, game nights, long hikes (more lately), fresh air, and some people I love in my life that are pretty happy. And isn't it better to have a chunk of this, rather than none of this? Why am I so bent on why I don't have more, particularly the love, the job I don't hate, and a better locale? I don't believe in seeking love, just being receptive to it. The job and the locale...after today I will be hunting down those two.

I just honestly question why it is that what I DO have doesn't seem to be enough? I know I have lots of love and lots of fun and many, many wonderful things in my heart and my life. So why am I so sad?

I keep thinking of the clowns we encountered drinking at the bar we went to for my friend's birthday at the beginning of the month. One of my friends asked one of the clowns why they were all there partying. The clown explained that they had just come back from their clown friend's funeral.

Sean looked at the clown, "You're kidding right?"

The clown looked at Sean with his painted-on grin and frowned, "Does it look like I'm kidding?"

What a strange night.

*I heard a possible false newscast from Mobile, Alabama about people looking for a lephrechaun. They said witnesses had seen it, but when you shone your flashlight on it, it disappeared. One woman suggested that it wasn't a lephrechan, but a crack head who agreed to climb a tree for more crack.

*I had two glasses of wine tonight and possibly just freaked out a friend by referencing me and my friend as dirty old women talking smack about him. It sounded funny as I wrote it, and this is SO my sense of humor, but uhhhhh. I don't know if I should have done that.

*I watched Oprah's vagina hold people hostage with a gun on South Park.

*And now I just witnessed a scary montage of Tom Cruise that has left me fearful of sleep.

I'm so...I'm so confused right now. I think that wine was really strong.

I only have a moment, as I'm at the office, but had to share what just happened. I go into the bathroom to go pee, and walk into a conversation of two young girls. They sound about 12-ish. I'm thinking that maybe today is take your kid to work day or something, as I don't understand this. The following is the conversation I heard while peeing...

Girl 1: I really had to pee

Girl 2: I know. Me too.

Girl 1: (Hums some song I cannot identify)

Girld 2: (Loud belch) Ewwwwww! GROSS!

Girld 1: What? Your burp?

Girld 2: No! I think I just heard a drop of blood come out of my pee-pee hole!

Girl 1: OH NO! Do you think it could be.....?

Girl 2: I don't know. Let me check. (Rustling toilet seat noises). Nope. I'm okay.

Girl 1: Oh. (Pause) Ewwwwwwww!

Girl 2: What?

Girl 1: There's a long hair coming out of MY pee-pee hole!

Girl 2: Gross! Get it out!

Girl 1: I am! I am! Ewwwwww!

I finish peeing and am covering my mouth, silently laughing. I pull some toilet paper and wipe as this is all happening.

Girl 2: Did you just pull on your toilet paper roll?

Girl 1: Uhhhhh, no.

Girl 2: Uh-oh.

Silence.

I flush the toilet, wash my hands and run out as fast as I can and burst out laughing as soon as I exit the door.

When did you bust a gut?

While you were peeing...