THERE'S A HOLE IN THE GOODIES, DEAR LIZA, DEAR LIZA...
After my breast reduction I was told that I only had a 75% chance of being able to breast feed. This used to freak me out, but I see it is nothing in the scheme of things. But after today, I believe that should I ever be in that position, I'll be able to. In fact, I could probably get a job as fountain with water shooting out of my nipple after today.
"What the hell?" you ask.
It was a few minutes before 8:15 this morning I woke up hearing my cat Tarot walk into my room. You see, Tarot has a bit of an issue. He doesn't know how to put his claws in. He doesn't scratch on furniture or anything, he just can't suck in his claws. He walks around and gets stuck on things all the time. I will have to unhook him from blankets, my comforter, the carpet, and even once I heard howls and found him stuck, one paw, to the side of my mattress. I'm not sure why this happens, but I'm not worried about it or anything. It's just Tarot.
So this morning I hear him sticking to the carpet as he enters my room. He jumps up on my bed and lays down on my stomach. A few minutes later my alarm is about to go off and I'm trying to get up, but he wants to lay there. I pick him up and carry him with me to turn off the alarm before it goes off, and...BREEEEP-BREEEEP-BREEEEP! The alarm goes off, Tarot looks up at me as if looking for confirmation that he will be okay, or possibly it was him trying to give me secret, silent animal apologies for what he did next. His body froze up in fear of the noise and then his paw reached up to push himself away from me and jump. However, when his paw reached up, it reached up towards my right breast, shiny talons pointing upward.
And then his claw impaled my nipple through my t-shirt.
You might think it was just a scratch, or an areola injury. No, it was a full-on puncture of his claw into the center of my nipple. I of course screamed, "FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!" and dropped his ass, grabbed my right boob and jumped back into my bed screaming, rubbing my nipple, and praying that the pain that had shot from my breast to my teeth, would soon leave. No such luck.
I managed to make it through my first day at a new church without holding my boob in pain. I kept cursing in my head every time my nipple rubbed against my bra oddly, as it once again sent shooting pains into my teeth. And now hear I am nine hours later with a still injured nipple. It hurts so bad still! How the hell do you fix something like this? Do I put a band-aid on it? I mean nothing's coming out, though that would be kinda cool if something did. I mean can you imagine if once punctured, out came apple juice. Instead of screaming in pain I would have looked down and said, "Well holy shit, Tarot. Looks like we got ourself a new business." I would then create Tree-Tit Apple Juice or something like that. Alas, no juice. Just pain.
Do I put ice on it? That seems like it would just complicate matters. Who wants one super hard, injured nipple? I mean that looks weird. I'd definitely have to put a band-aid on it then to tame it down. I can see me having to explain myself at work, "No, no, I'm not being dirty. I injured my nipple and have to keep ice on it. Yes, I know it's distracting." Hmmmm. Can one call in sick from a nipple injury? I'm not sure, but I may have to give it a shot tomorrow.
Heather
"What the hell?" you ask.
It was a few minutes before 8:15 this morning I woke up hearing my cat Tarot walk into my room. You see, Tarot has a bit of an issue. He doesn't know how to put his claws in. He doesn't scratch on furniture or anything, he just can't suck in his claws. He walks around and gets stuck on things all the time. I will have to unhook him from blankets, my comforter, the carpet, and even once I heard howls and found him stuck, one paw, to the side of my mattress. I'm not sure why this happens, but I'm not worried about it or anything. It's just Tarot.
So this morning I hear him sticking to the carpet as he enters my room. He jumps up on my bed and lays down on my stomach. A few minutes later my alarm is about to go off and I'm trying to get up, but he wants to lay there. I pick him up and carry him with me to turn off the alarm before it goes off, and...BREEEEP-BREEEEP-BREEEEP! The alarm goes off, Tarot looks up at me as if looking for confirmation that he will be okay, or possibly it was him trying to give me secret, silent animal apologies for what he did next. His body froze up in fear of the noise and then his paw reached up to push himself away from me and jump. However, when his paw reached up, it reached up towards my right breast, shiny talons pointing upward.
And then his claw impaled my nipple through my t-shirt.
You might think it was just a scratch, or an areola injury. No, it was a full-on puncture of his claw into the center of my nipple. I of course screamed, "FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!" and dropped his ass, grabbed my right boob and jumped back into my bed screaming, rubbing my nipple, and praying that the pain that had shot from my breast to my teeth, would soon leave. No such luck.
I managed to make it through my first day at a new church without holding my boob in pain. I kept cursing in my head every time my nipple rubbed against my bra oddly, as it once again sent shooting pains into my teeth. And now hear I am nine hours later with a still injured nipple. It hurts so bad still! How the hell do you fix something like this? Do I put a band-aid on it? I mean nothing's coming out, though that would be kinda cool if something did. I mean can you imagine if once punctured, out came apple juice. Instead of screaming in pain I would have looked down and said, "Well holy shit, Tarot. Looks like we got ourself a new business." I would then create Tree-Tit Apple Juice or something like that. Alas, no juice. Just pain.
Do I put ice on it? That seems like it would just complicate matters. Who wants one super hard, injured nipple? I mean that looks weird. I'd definitely have to put a band-aid on it then to tame it down. I can see me having to explain myself at work, "No, no, I'm not being dirty. I injured my nipple and have to keep ice on it. Yes, I know it's distracting." Hmmmm. Can one call in sick from a nipple injury? I'm not sure, but I may have to give it a shot tomorrow.
Heather
