WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?
My cat has officially crossed the line and is totally dinner. What could bring this animal lover to this point? She peed on my duvet.
Okay, so this is not the first time she's peed outside the litter box...she's officially ruined my futon and if any dirty laundry falls out of the hamper, she pisses on that too. Why do you keep her you ask? Because I blame myself. She typically only does this when I'm gone a lot, and with the exception on peeing on my ex-boyfriend two days before he dumped me (I believe she had a premonition), she never does this when I'm seeing someone. Seriously, if I have a boyfriend she is good and she loves them and she only pees in the litterbox. If I'm single, I'm completely fucked.
The other reason I keep her? Because she is evil and I am afraid of her. She is a manipulating little bitch, and I think she learned it from me when I was married. I mean, I am by no means the type of person I was when I was married, but man I tell yah, she picked up a thing or two during that time. She will pee on something and at first I would sit down and discuss the situation with her calmly. This is relative to what happened with Jacob and I at first. I would flip out about something stupid and he would calmly talk to me about it and remain cool and think that logic would win. Unfortunately no.
When Trinity pees now, I yell at her and tell her she is dinner and she hides from me for hours, as she knows I'm pissed. I will then crawl into bed that night and she comes up to me and nuzzles me and wraps her legs around my arm and koala me, and my heart melts. This is how it got later in my marriage. I remember getting into a huge fight with Jacob and I lost all control of my thoughts and words and screamed, "At least I have a neck!" He stormed off and I knew I'd really pissed him off. When this type of fight would happen, I would hide for a few hours and knowing that I might have really crossed the line, knew I had to kiss ass. I would wait until he was in bed and I'd crawl in with him.
"I looooovvvvveeeee you."
"Fuck off"
"No really. You know I love you right? I'm sorry for being a bitch."
Nothing. So I then wrap my legs around his arm and koala him.
"Goddamnit Heather! I can't feel my arm!"
So anyways, I'm not sure what to do about my cat Trinity. I love her and I think I need to get her to the vet first before I get rid of her. In fact I learned that she has some symptoms of diabetes, which I can't even talk about without having sheer panic in my heart. However, I honestly feel that the peeing is really just her being vindictive about me not being home much, and for me being single. So what do I do?
Has everyone seen Dateline's series on men going after teens on the internet? They have someone pose as a 14-year old guy or girl on the internet and they invite the cyber sex offenders over to their house to have sex. The man knocks on the door and you hear someone go, "Come on in! I'll be right down!" The man then enters the house. Some take off their clothes, some have Cool Whip with them, and one guy even brought his own kids with him! The reporter then walks in and busts the guy in the whole scheme, the man often tries to explain himself and then leaves and the cops arrest him.
It's a completely freaky thing to think there are perverts like that out there and I can't watch this show anymore because it makes me more and more scared of the world. However, this show has given me a new idea. Since I refuse to give Trinity away to a shelter that euthanizes animals that aren't adopted, I have to find her a home. So this is what I'm thinking - I go online and create a My Space profile for Trinity. I don't post a picture, but I say she's blonde and slender and always wet (this fits with the whole peeing thing, remember). I flirt and purr and all that crap and I post that if anyone is interested in a little pussy, to let me know. She IS really tiny you know.
So I get a response and I give out the address of some abadoned home. The cyber perv arrives and knocks on the front door. I am hiding at the top of the stairs.
"Come on in! I'll be right down!" I yell.
The cyber guy walks in with a leash. Pefect, I think. He sits down in the single chair and taps his foot anxiously. The door from another room opens and out trots Trinity.
I throw my voice down the stairs, "I'm a little pussy. Take me home."
The slimeball is touched by this sweet little cat that mews at him. His heart melts and he realizes the error of his ways and vows to change and make a new lease on life. He will be a good man. A man with a cat.
And I can get a new couch that she won't pee on.
Okay, so this is not the first time she's peed outside the litter box...she's officially ruined my futon and if any dirty laundry falls out of the hamper, she pisses on that too. Why do you keep her you ask? Because I blame myself. She typically only does this when I'm gone a lot, and with the exception on peeing on my ex-boyfriend two days before he dumped me (I believe she had a premonition), she never does this when I'm seeing someone. Seriously, if I have a boyfriend she is good and she loves them and she only pees in the litterbox. If I'm single, I'm completely fucked.
The other reason I keep her? Because she is evil and I am afraid of her. She is a manipulating little bitch, and I think she learned it from me when I was married. I mean, I am by no means the type of person I was when I was married, but man I tell yah, she picked up a thing or two during that time. She will pee on something and at first I would sit down and discuss the situation with her calmly. This is relative to what happened with Jacob and I at first. I would flip out about something stupid and he would calmly talk to me about it and remain cool and think that logic would win. Unfortunately no.
When Trinity pees now, I yell at her and tell her she is dinner and she hides from me for hours, as she knows I'm pissed. I will then crawl into bed that night and she comes up to me and nuzzles me and wraps her legs around my arm and koala me, and my heart melts. This is how it got later in my marriage. I remember getting into a huge fight with Jacob and I lost all control of my thoughts and words and screamed, "At least I have a neck!" He stormed off and I knew I'd really pissed him off. When this type of fight would happen, I would hide for a few hours and knowing that I might have really crossed the line, knew I had to kiss ass. I would wait until he was in bed and I'd crawl in with him.
"I looooovvvvveeeee you."
"Fuck off"
"No really. You know I love you right? I'm sorry for being a bitch."
Nothing. So I then wrap my legs around his arm and koala him.
"Goddamnit Heather! I can't feel my arm!"
So anyways, I'm not sure what to do about my cat Trinity. I love her and I think I need to get her to the vet first before I get rid of her. In fact I learned that she has some symptoms of diabetes, which I can't even talk about without having sheer panic in my heart. However, I honestly feel that the peeing is really just her being vindictive about me not being home much, and for me being single. So what do I do?
Has everyone seen Dateline's series on men going after teens on the internet? They have someone pose as a 14-year old guy or girl on the internet and they invite the cyber sex offenders over to their house to have sex. The man knocks on the door and you hear someone go, "Come on in! I'll be right down!" The man then enters the house. Some take off their clothes, some have Cool Whip with them, and one guy even brought his own kids with him! The reporter then walks in and busts the guy in the whole scheme, the man often tries to explain himself and then leaves and the cops arrest him.
It's a completely freaky thing to think there are perverts like that out there and I can't watch this show anymore because it makes me more and more scared of the world. However, this show has given me a new idea. Since I refuse to give Trinity away to a shelter that euthanizes animals that aren't adopted, I have to find her a home. So this is what I'm thinking - I go online and create a My Space profile for Trinity. I don't post a picture, but I say she's blonde and slender and always wet (this fits with the whole peeing thing, remember). I flirt and purr and all that crap and I post that if anyone is interested in a little pussy, to let me know. She IS really tiny you know.
So I get a response and I give out the address of some abadoned home. The cyber perv arrives and knocks on the front door. I am hiding at the top of the stairs.
"Come on in! I'll be right down!" I yell.
The cyber guy walks in with a leash. Pefect, I think. He sits down in the single chair and taps his foot anxiously. The door from another room opens and out trots Trinity.
I throw my voice down the stairs, "I'm a little pussy. Take me home."
The slimeball is touched by this sweet little cat that mews at him. His heart melts and he realizes the error of his ways and vows to change and make a new lease on life. He will be a good man. A man with a cat.
And I can get a new couch that she won't pee on.
ALL IN A DAY'S WORK
I went out to dinner with my friend and her eight-year old son tonight. As we walked to the restaurant, Terri turned to Alex and said, "Tell Auntie your big news!" Alex got all embarrassed and said he would tell me inside. We sit down, order and then Terri turns to Alex again.
"Tell Auntie your big news!" He turns red and she turns to me. "He has a girlfriend! Her name is Meghan and she looks like Nicole Kidman."
"Yay for redheads!" I exclaimed. And then I hear the details.
Apparently at recess one of Meghan's friends came up to Alex and informs him that Meghan is in love with him. Alex takes this information and walks up to Meghan to confront her. He repeats back to Meghan what her friend told him and asks if this is true. She says it is, and bam! They're girlfriend and boyfriend. He even got his first love letter from her. It was decorated all pretty and said, "I love you a lot."
Terri tells me how when she went to pick him up, Alex brought Terri to his new girlfriend, and Meghan marched over and introduced herself to Terri. We are cracking up as Terri recounts the story to me. Alex then informs me that his friends are none to happy about this, as they want to hang out with him at recess instead. And do you know what Alex did? He told me he had to defend her honor.
This all happened yesterday.
I can't help but wonder if life might just be a little better if we kept things simple and straightforward. I love you and I will honor you. I will take the time to make sweet things for you and it won't cost a dime. And I will do this all because I know it's what I feel and I won't overanalyze it because it just is. I want to take my sweet little 8-year old faux nephew and have him teach the world
"Tell Auntie your big news!" He turns red and she turns to me. "He has a girlfriend! Her name is Meghan and she looks like Nicole Kidman."
"Yay for redheads!" I exclaimed. And then I hear the details.
Apparently at recess one of Meghan's friends came up to Alex and informs him that Meghan is in love with him. Alex takes this information and walks up to Meghan to confront her. He repeats back to Meghan what her friend told him and asks if this is true. She says it is, and bam! They're girlfriend and boyfriend. He even got his first love letter from her. It was decorated all pretty and said, "I love you a lot."
Terri tells me how when she went to pick him up, Alex brought Terri to his new girlfriend, and Meghan marched over and introduced herself to Terri. We are cracking up as Terri recounts the story to me. Alex then informs me that his friends are none to happy about this, as they want to hang out with him at recess instead. And do you know what Alex did? He told me he had to defend her honor.
This all happened yesterday.
I can't help but wonder if life might just be a little better if we kept things simple and straightforward. I love you and I will honor you. I will take the time to make sweet things for you and it won't cost a dime. And I will do this all because I know it's what I feel and I won't overanalyze it because it just is. I want to take my sweet little 8-year old faux nephew and have him teach the world
BLOOD BATH BINGO
I was watching TV after I got home from a birthday dinner tonight, and in the show this guy had supposedly died from slipping in the shower and hitting his head on the faucet. Chills ran down my spine in disgust and horror, as I am terrified of dying naked. Trust me, I know you are saying the same thing most people say to me when they hear of this fear...What does it matter? You'll be dead?
I know this, but I can't help but wonder if my soul will still be floating around long enough to hear the paramedics or poor soul who finds me, comment on the scar tissue left from my breast reduction; or the small birthmark on the back of my upper thigh that my fellow beachgoers would shout that I had poo on my leg when I was a kid; or the body that is not grotesque, but definitely not worth flaunting (though I'm always told I'm ridiculous about this); or that I have too many freckles. I just don't want anyone seeing me naked when I'm dead, particularly in a bad naked pose.
On the show they were saying how many deaths occur in people's bathrooms. How dangerous and how common this is. I know this to be true my friends. I have survived the dangers of the tub and have lived to tell the tale. And now I tell...
Before my ex-husband and I moved in together, he was living at my friend Tony's house. There was only one bathroom upstairs that was shared, but had a pocket door separating the toilet and shower from the sink area. My ex-husband was repulsed by the idea of sex when having your period. However, I'm not because that is often when my hormones are out of control. One month I was feeling quite amorous and I was almost done with my period and presented my sales pitch to him.
"I'm almost done, it's barely going, and if we go in the shower you'll never know it's there."
He thought about it and finally agreed to go through with it so long as it stayed in the shower. So in the shower we went. We shut the sliding door in the tub and play time began. Everything was fine for a while and then it happened! During a shift in positions I saw it. Blood! Blood on his junk! Not a lot, but enough. Oh God! This can't be happening! He will freak out and run and scream if he sees it. What to do? The water from the shower head wasn't really hitting that area, so it was unlikely it would quickly wash off. Then I knew what I had to do.
I quickly sprung at his junk. I reached forward and grabbed it and swiped the blood from him before he could see it. The problem is, when I sprung forward, I lost my balance. I overcompensated my leap at my man's junk and threw my arms back to regain my balance, but instead I threw myself against the wall and smacked into that. I then bounced off the wall and BAM! I hit the shower door, which came out of the slider with my naked body following suit. The shower door landed on the bathroom floor with a loud crash and I landed on top of it in what was likely a combined fetal position and a turtle on it's back.
And you can't tell me if that had killed me, there wouldn't have been some nasty comments over my over-showered corpse.
I know this, but I can't help but wonder if my soul will still be floating around long enough to hear the paramedics or poor soul who finds me, comment on the scar tissue left from my breast reduction; or the small birthmark on the back of my upper thigh that my fellow beachgoers would shout that I had poo on my leg when I was a kid; or the body that is not grotesque, but definitely not worth flaunting (though I'm always told I'm ridiculous about this); or that I have too many freckles. I just don't want anyone seeing me naked when I'm dead, particularly in a bad naked pose.
On the show they were saying how many deaths occur in people's bathrooms. How dangerous and how common this is. I know this to be true my friends. I have survived the dangers of the tub and have lived to tell the tale. And now I tell...
Before my ex-husband and I moved in together, he was living at my friend Tony's house. There was only one bathroom upstairs that was shared, but had a pocket door separating the toilet and shower from the sink area. My ex-husband was repulsed by the idea of sex when having your period. However, I'm not because that is often when my hormones are out of control. One month I was feeling quite amorous and I was almost done with my period and presented my sales pitch to him.
"I'm almost done, it's barely going, and if we go in the shower you'll never know it's there."
He thought about it and finally agreed to go through with it so long as it stayed in the shower. So in the shower we went. We shut the sliding door in the tub and play time began. Everything was fine for a while and then it happened! During a shift in positions I saw it. Blood! Blood on his junk! Not a lot, but enough. Oh God! This can't be happening! He will freak out and run and scream if he sees it. What to do? The water from the shower head wasn't really hitting that area, so it was unlikely it would quickly wash off. Then I knew what I had to do.
I quickly sprung at his junk. I reached forward and grabbed it and swiped the blood from him before he could see it. The problem is, when I sprung forward, I lost my balance. I overcompensated my leap at my man's junk and threw my arms back to regain my balance, but instead I threw myself against the wall and smacked into that. I then bounced off the wall and BAM! I hit the shower door, which came out of the slider with my naked body following suit. The shower door landed on the bathroom floor with a loud crash and I landed on top of it in what was likely a combined fetal position and a turtle on it's back.
And you can't tell me if that had killed me, there wouldn't have been some nasty comments over my over-showered corpse.
