DATING DISASTERS AND FOOL IDIOTS
Dating sucks.
After over a year of taking my break I decide to give it a shot. After two attempts with two different men, I am done. DONE!!! Opened the door, smiled at the sun, walked down the steps and put my foot in dog shit.
I won't discuss the first one, but I will the second one. I went on a date with a younger man who yells "Hold back! Hold back!" while throwing out his arm to stop me from accidentally shooting hostages on a video game, burst out into song (Les Mis and Backstreet Boys???), came onto me in such a horrible way I refuse to even share it, and then I decided whatever and took him home with me. And NO I didn't sleep with him and then I kicked him out of my bed the next morning, drove him home, and watched movies by myself happily alone. Oh, and he lied to me about something big.
He then kept calling me and I emailed him saying that the thing he lied to me about was too close for comfort. I mean, many other things contributed, but why beat the guy into an emotional pulp? So guess what I get? Hate email. It was bad and I sent a very nice email back and then I get a dramatic apology email with a quote from...Hitler. Yes, Hitler! I mean, who the fuck EVER quotes Hitler? He then texts me wanting to talk later that night. I ignore him. He then sends hate texting and hate email to my friend whom I met him through. Long story short, it took almost three weeks to "dump" this guy after ONE, yes...ONE date.
So with that, I've decided to cover some of worst moments in my dating history.
1. Went with a friend to Homecoming who thought we were more than friends and ended up sleeping in a bathtub, hiding from him after he came onto me.
2. In high school I went out with a guy who took me to the Queen City Grill. I ordered chicken and didn't know how to cut meat properly. I shoved my fork vertically in the chicken, swooped down in a slicing motion with my knife and shoved the chicken straight off the plate and across the table.
3. Went on a blind date and got nervous and had massive diarrhea. It was a double date and I had to have my friend's boyfriend pull over and lied saying I was going to puke. Went into an outdoor gas station bathroom that echoed and blew ass. Heard footsteps and held it in. A knock on the door, and then my date asks if I'm okay. I feel the burn and must release. As I blow more ass I make loud vomitting noises to cover my farting and diarrhea. We were engaged two weeks later (where did you go Sean Waterman?).
4. Was too drunk to drive and the guy I was dating told me to just stay over. Woke up to hear him having sex with another woman in the next room.
5. Went on a date with a guy where I had to ride in the backseat because his front seat was missing and there was no seat belt. Every time he slammed on his brakes I went shooting forward and would hit the dash. I then ran into a large plant at Cheesecake Factory while turning to giggle at him. Later we had sushi and while trying to figure out why there were two spouts on the soy sauce, realized I'd been dumping soy sauce all over his pants.
6. Knocked myself out on a headboard having sex when I was 16.
7. Was asked for us to plan our honeymoon on the first date.
8. Was driven to a golf course in my pajamas at 6 AM to watch this same guy hit balls.
9. Broke a contact in my eye, cut my cornea and had to hold my eyeball for two hours while acting like it wasn't a big deal.
10. Found a certificate from a mental hospital in a guy's glove compartment.
There are oh so many more, but I don't know if you could handle it.
When we're alone we want someone. When we're with someone we dream of being alone. I will just say this. What I want is HIM. Whomever HE is, I want him. If I can't have him, I'll stay alone thank you very much...and I will be happy with it. If all you other fool, loon, losers can step aside and let him through please. I've been waiting and have war wounds.
COME FIND ME!
No show tunes will be accepted.
After over a year of taking my break I decide to give it a shot. After two attempts with two different men, I am done. DONE!!! Opened the door, smiled at the sun, walked down the steps and put my foot in dog shit.
I won't discuss the first one, but I will the second one. I went on a date with a younger man who yells "Hold back! Hold back!" while throwing out his arm to stop me from accidentally shooting hostages on a video game, burst out into song (Les Mis and Backstreet Boys???), came onto me in such a horrible way I refuse to even share it, and then I decided whatever and took him home with me. And NO I didn't sleep with him and then I kicked him out of my bed the next morning, drove him home, and watched movies by myself happily alone. Oh, and he lied to me about something big.
He then kept calling me and I emailed him saying that the thing he lied to me about was too close for comfort. I mean, many other things contributed, but why beat the guy into an emotional pulp? So guess what I get? Hate email. It was bad and I sent a very nice email back and then I get a dramatic apology email with a quote from...Hitler. Yes, Hitler! I mean, who the fuck EVER quotes Hitler? He then texts me wanting to talk later that night. I ignore him. He then sends hate texting and hate email to my friend whom I met him through. Long story short, it took almost three weeks to "dump" this guy after ONE, yes...ONE date.
So with that, I've decided to cover some of worst moments in my dating history.
1. Went with a friend to Homecoming who thought we were more than friends and ended up sleeping in a bathtub, hiding from him after he came onto me.
2. In high school I went out with a guy who took me to the Queen City Grill. I ordered chicken and didn't know how to cut meat properly. I shoved my fork vertically in the chicken, swooped down in a slicing motion with my knife and shoved the chicken straight off the plate and across the table.
3. Went on a blind date and got nervous and had massive diarrhea. It was a double date and I had to have my friend's boyfriend pull over and lied saying I was going to puke. Went into an outdoor gas station bathroom that echoed and blew ass. Heard footsteps and held it in. A knock on the door, and then my date asks if I'm okay. I feel the burn and must release. As I blow more ass I make loud vomitting noises to cover my farting and diarrhea. We were engaged two weeks later (where did you go Sean Waterman?).
4. Was too drunk to drive and the guy I was dating told me to just stay over. Woke up to hear him having sex with another woman in the next room.
5. Went on a date with a guy where I had to ride in the backseat because his front seat was missing and there was no seat belt. Every time he slammed on his brakes I went shooting forward and would hit the dash. I then ran into a large plant at Cheesecake Factory while turning to giggle at him. Later we had sushi and while trying to figure out why there were two spouts on the soy sauce, realized I'd been dumping soy sauce all over his pants.
6. Knocked myself out on a headboard having sex when I was 16.
7. Was asked for us to plan our honeymoon on the first date.
8. Was driven to a golf course in my pajamas at 6 AM to watch this same guy hit balls.
9. Broke a contact in my eye, cut my cornea and had to hold my eyeball for two hours while acting like it wasn't a big deal.
10. Found a certificate from a mental hospital in a guy's glove compartment.
There are oh so many more, but I don't know if you could handle it.
When we're alone we want someone. When we're with someone we dream of being alone. I will just say this. What I want is HIM. Whomever HE is, I want him. If I can't have him, I'll stay alone thank you very much...and I will be happy with it. If all you other fool, loon, losers can step aside and let him through please. I've been waiting and have war wounds.
COME FIND ME!
No show tunes will be accepted.
GOING DOWNNNNNN IN FLAMES OF BORING.
In this strange life that I've lived, the one thing that has always been a constant are my dreams. Sometimes they are so terrifying that in waking, I am too scared to go back to sleep for fear that the dream will continue. Other times the dreams are so wonderful that I never want to wake up because they're so beautiful and unique. The one thing they've never been is boring...until last night.
I dreamt that I had some frozen, organic spring rolls with plum sauce in my freezer. I got a big ol' hunkering for spring rolls and plum sauce and decide to heat them up. I open up the package and see that the precious plum sauce expired on June 1st...and it's June 10th! I panic! Anyone who knows me well knows my fear of expiration dates. It's so bad that I usually dump things when they hit their "Sell By" date yet alone their "Use By" date. I'm standing at the microwave holding the tray of frozen spring rolls and expired sauce and am trying to figure out if it's worth eating the sauce and taking a chance. There's no dairy in it, so how bad could it really be? And then....I wake up.
Uhhhhhhh, that's it? THAT is my dream? What the hell is going on with me? My dreams are now boring! This is the last straw! It's time to shake life up a bit if my dreams have even resorted to a doldrum existence. What happened to the crazy dreams of my past? Well, I've found some dream that I journaled. And to keep the dreams of the past alive, and hopefully remind my subconscious of what it SHOULD be doing, I am going to post some of them.
Now let the dreams begin!
Read More
I dreamt that I had some frozen, organic spring rolls with plum sauce in my freezer. I got a big ol' hunkering for spring rolls and plum sauce and decide to heat them up. I open up the package and see that the precious plum sauce expired on June 1st...and it's June 10th! I panic! Anyone who knows me well knows my fear of expiration dates. It's so bad that I usually dump things when they hit their "Sell By" date yet alone their "Use By" date. I'm standing at the microwave holding the tray of frozen spring rolls and expired sauce and am trying to figure out if it's worth eating the sauce and taking a chance. There's no dairy in it, so how bad could it really be? And then....I wake up.
Uhhhhhhh, that's it? THAT is my dream? What the hell is going on with me? My dreams are now boring! This is the last straw! It's time to shake life up a bit if my dreams have even resorted to a doldrum existence. What happened to the crazy dreams of my past? Well, I've found some dream that I journaled. And to keep the dreams of the past alive, and hopefully remind my subconscious of what it SHOULD be doing, I am going to post some of them.
Now let the dreams begin!
Read More
MORE REASONS WHY I'M GOING TO HELL
I am currently watching Hotel Rwanda for the first time. I'm shocked and touched and have already cried, and yet do you know what keeps going through my mind? How hot it would be to hump Joaquin Phoenix, and how he looks mighty fine with that beard of his (I've had a beard fetish for a couple of years now).
What the hell? I should not be thinking of this as I'm watching people slayed. That is horrible! I feel dirty and evil. Oh my God, my coo has obviously taken over all logic and heart. Bad coo! Bad!
What the hell? I should not be thinking of this as I'm watching people slayed. That is horrible! I feel dirty and evil. Oh my God, my coo has obviously taken over all logic and heart. Bad coo! Bad!
THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE
Moments ago I made myself a cup of tea. While standing at the microwave (yes, I know...bad tea girl!) waiting for my water to heat up, I noticed something I'd forgotten about. I have a cup of change on the microwave, and in that cup of change sat a Victoria's Secret gift card that I received for my birthday in October. I had forgotten about this card, though it's been in plain sight for quite some time. I got very excited about this revisited gift, and do you know what popped into my head?
Oh yay, pajamas!
Pajamas? What the fuck is my problem? The microwave beeped and as I put my Good Earth Sweet & Spicy tea bag in my mug, I wondered how I had gotten to this place in my life. I thought about why I hadn't used the card thus far. I remembered that at first I was saving it just in case a boy came into my life worth using the card for. As time went on, the card would catch my eye at times and I remember that I then told myself I should go and get some cute, dorky panties that I'm so fond of. You know, stupid pictures or obnoxious patterns...that type of thing. I was apparently in enough of a funk to hold that off at the time.
Now here I am seven months after receiving my Victoria's Secret gift card. I am apparently so settled in my single life, and finally at a point where I could care less if I'm alone or not, that my brain has now associated frickin' pajamas with Victoria's Secret.
I believe this has to be illegal in some way.
Oh yay, pajamas!
Pajamas? What the fuck is my problem? The microwave beeped and as I put my Good Earth Sweet & Spicy tea bag in my mug, I wondered how I had gotten to this place in my life. I thought about why I hadn't used the card thus far. I remembered that at first I was saving it just in case a boy came into my life worth using the card for. As time went on, the card would catch my eye at times and I remember that I then told myself I should go and get some cute, dorky panties that I'm so fond of. You know, stupid pictures or obnoxious patterns...that type of thing. I was apparently in enough of a funk to hold that off at the time.
Now here I am seven months after receiving my Victoria's Secret gift card. I am apparently so settled in my single life, and finally at a point where I could care less if I'm alone or not, that my brain has now associated frickin' pajamas with Victoria's Secret.
I believe this has to be illegal in some way.
