DATING DISASTERS AND FOOL IDIOTS
Dating sucks.
After over a year of taking my break I decide to give it a shot. After two attempts with two different men, I am done. DONE!!! Opened the door, smiled at the sun, walked down the steps and put my foot in dog shit.
I won't discuss the first one, but I will the second one. I went on a date with a younger man who yells "Hold back! Hold back!" while throwing out his arm to stop me from accidentally shooting hostages on a video game, burst out into song (Les Mis and Backstreet Boys???), came onto me in such a horrible way I refuse to even share it, and then I decided whatever and took him home with me. And NO I didn't sleep with him and then I kicked him out of my bed the next morning, drove him home, and watched movies by myself happily alone. Oh, and he lied to me about something big.
He then kept calling me and I emailed him saying that the thing he lied to me about was too close for comfort. I mean, many other things contributed, but why beat the guy into an emotional pulp? So guess what I get? Hate email. It was bad and I sent a very nice email back and then I get a dramatic apology email with a quote from...Hitler. Yes, Hitler! I mean, who the fuck EVER quotes Hitler? He then texts me wanting to talk later that night. I ignore him. He then sends hate texting and hate email to my friend whom I met him through. Long story short, it took almost three weeks to "dump" this guy after ONE, yes...ONE date.
So with that, I've decided to cover some of worst moments in my dating history.
1. Went with a friend to Homecoming who thought we were more than friends and ended up sleeping in a bathtub, hiding from him after he came onto me.
2. In high school I went out with a guy who took me to the Queen City Grill. I ordered chicken and didn't know how to cut meat properly. I shoved my fork vertically in the chicken, swooped down in a slicing motion with my knife and shoved the chicken straight off the plate and across the table.
3. Went on a blind date and got nervous and had massive diarrhea. It was a double date and I had to have my friend's boyfriend pull over and lied saying I was going to puke. Went into an outdoor gas station bathroom that echoed and blew ass. Heard footsteps and held it in. A knock on the door, and then my date asks if I'm okay. I feel the burn and must release. As I blow more ass I make loud vomitting noises to cover my farting and diarrhea. We were engaged two weeks later (where did you go Sean Waterman?).
4. Was too drunk to drive and the guy I was dating told me to just stay over. Woke up to hear him having sex with another woman in the next room.
5. Went on a date with a guy where I had to ride in the backseat because his front seat was missing and there was no seat belt. Every time he slammed on his brakes I went shooting forward and would hit the dash. I then ran into a large plant at Cheesecake Factory while turning to giggle at him. Later we had sushi and while trying to figure out why there were two spouts on the soy sauce, realized I'd been dumping soy sauce all over his pants.
6. Knocked myself out on a headboard having sex when I was 16.
7. Was asked for us to plan our honeymoon on the first date.
8. Was driven to a golf course in my pajamas at 6 AM to watch this same guy hit balls.
9. Broke a contact in my eye, cut my cornea and had to hold my eyeball for two hours while acting like it wasn't a big deal.
10. Found a certificate from a mental hospital in a guy's glove compartment.
There are oh so many more, but I don't know if you could handle it.
When we're alone we want someone. When we're with someone we dream of being alone. I will just say this. What I want is HIM. Whomever HE is, I want him. If I can't have him, I'll stay alone thank you very much...and I will be happy with it. If all you other fool, loon, losers can step aside and let him through please. I've been waiting and have war wounds.
COME FIND ME!
No show tunes will be accepted.
After over a year of taking my break I decide to give it a shot. After two attempts with two different men, I am done. DONE!!! Opened the door, smiled at the sun, walked down the steps and put my foot in dog shit.
I won't discuss the first one, but I will the second one. I went on a date with a younger man who yells "Hold back! Hold back!" while throwing out his arm to stop me from accidentally shooting hostages on a video game, burst out into song (Les Mis and Backstreet Boys???), came onto me in such a horrible way I refuse to even share it, and then I decided whatever and took him home with me. And NO I didn't sleep with him and then I kicked him out of my bed the next morning, drove him home, and watched movies by myself happily alone. Oh, and he lied to me about something big.
He then kept calling me and I emailed him saying that the thing he lied to me about was too close for comfort. I mean, many other things contributed, but why beat the guy into an emotional pulp? So guess what I get? Hate email. It was bad and I sent a very nice email back and then I get a dramatic apology email with a quote from...Hitler. Yes, Hitler! I mean, who the fuck EVER quotes Hitler? He then texts me wanting to talk later that night. I ignore him. He then sends hate texting and hate email to my friend whom I met him through. Long story short, it took almost three weeks to "dump" this guy after ONE, yes...ONE date.
So with that, I've decided to cover some of worst moments in my dating history.
1. Went with a friend to Homecoming who thought we were more than friends and ended up sleeping in a bathtub, hiding from him after he came onto me.
2. In high school I went out with a guy who took me to the Queen City Grill. I ordered chicken and didn't know how to cut meat properly. I shoved my fork vertically in the chicken, swooped down in a slicing motion with my knife and shoved the chicken straight off the plate and across the table.
3. Went on a blind date and got nervous and had massive diarrhea. It was a double date and I had to have my friend's boyfriend pull over and lied saying I was going to puke. Went into an outdoor gas station bathroom that echoed and blew ass. Heard footsteps and held it in. A knock on the door, and then my date asks if I'm okay. I feel the burn and must release. As I blow more ass I make loud vomitting noises to cover my farting and diarrhea. We were engaged two weeks later (where did you go Sean Waterman?).
4. Was too drunk to drive and the guy I was dating told me to just stay over. Woke up to hear him having sex with another woman in the next room.
5. Went on a date with a guy where I had to ride in the backseat because his front seat was missing and there was no seat belt. Every time he slammed on his brakes I went shooting forward and would hit the dash. I then ran into a large plant at Cheesecake Factory while turning to giggle at him. Later we had sushi and while trying to figure out why there were two spouts on the soy sauce, realized I'd been dumping soy sauce all over his pants.
6. Knocked myself out on a headboard having sex when I was 16.
7. Was asked for us to plan our honeymoon on the first date.
8. Was driven to a golf course in my pajamas at 6 AM to watch this same guy hit balls.
9. Broke a contact in my eye, cut my cornea and had to hold my eyeball for two hours while acting like it wasn't a big deal.
10. Found a certificate from a mental hospital in a guy's glove compartment.
There are oh so many more, but I don't know if you could handle it.
When we're alone we want someone. When we're with someone we dream of being alone. I will just say this. What I want is HIM. Whomever HE is, I want him. If I can't have him, I'll stay alone thank you very much...and I will be happy with it. If all you other fool, loon, losers can step aside and let him through please. I've been waiting and have war wounds.
COME FIND ME!
No show tunes will be accepted.
