MISGUIDED IN THE MOUTH
In May I was at the pulmonary specialist. The doctor was looking in my throat and says to me, "Has anyone ever told you, you have a very large uvula?" It took me a second to realize what she was talking about.
"That's the hangy-down thing in the back of my throat, right?"
I could tell she knew what I thought for a moment. She turned pink and laughed. "Yes, you are correct. Do you ever choke for no reason?"
I was shocked. How did she know? "Yes! I think I'm just an idiot!"
"No. It's your large uvula. It gets in the way."
Life seemed a little bit clearer.
For the remainder of the week I found great joy in telling all my friends and coworkers that I learned I had a very large uvula, and laughed every time they turned pink in embarrassment. I would quickly explain it's the hangy down thing in my throat and you could see the look of relief wash across their faces when they learned I was not announcing a coo anomaly.
I was having dinner later that week with my puritan father. Now, my father often chokes for no reason and it's REALLY loud and violent and slightly annoying. In learning that my large uvula caused me to randomly choke on an occasion or two, I figured that this was also the culprit of my father's not-so-random choking. We were having dinner in our usual strained silence.
"The doctor tells me I have a very large uvula, and I think you have one too."
My father turns bright red and starts his choking. Once he regains his composure, he looks down and says, "Well, uh, honey. I don't have one of those." I burst out laughing and explain what it is, and that it's NOT a vulva, and he joins me in my laughter.
I was recently at the movies and saw a preview for the upcoming Monster House. It shows the kids staring up at a fleshy chandelier and the girl says, "That must be the uvula." The boy then says, "So it's a girl house." I was of course laughing my ass off in the theater to annoyance of others upon hearing that.
In remembering all this, I have a new idea. I think I need to start freaking people out in bars with this fact about my mouth and see what their reactions are to this. I may end up with some very uneducated, very frisky new friends....
"That's the hangy-down thing in the back of my throat, right?"
I could tell she knew what I thought for a moment. She turned pink and laughed. "Yes, you are correct. Do you ever choke for no reason?"
I was shocked. How did she know? "Yes! I think I'm just an idiot!"
"No. It's your large uvula. It gets in the way."
Life seemed a little bit clearer.
For the remainder of the week I found great joy in telling all my friends and coworkers that I learned I had a very large uvula, and laughed every time they turned pink in embarrassment. I would quickly explain it's the hangy down thing in my throat and you could see the look of relief wash across their faces when they learned I was not announcing a coo anomaly.
I was having dinner later that week with my puritan father. Now, my father often chokes for no reason and it's REALLY loud and violent and slightly annoying. In learning that my large uvula caused me to randomly choke on an occasion or two, I figured that this was also the culprit of my father's not-so-random choking. We were having dinner in our usual strained silence.
"The doctor tells me I have a very large uvula, and I think you have one too."
My father turns bright red and starts his choking. Once he regains his composure, he looks down and says, "Well, uh, honey. I don't have one of those." I burst out laughing and explain what it is, and that it's NOT a vulva, and he joins me in my laughter.
I was recently at the movies and saw a preview for the upcoming Monster House. It shows the kids staring up at a fleshy chandelier and the girl says, "That must be the uvula." The boy then says, "So it's a girl house." I was of course laughing my ass off in the theater to annoyance of others upon hearing that.
In remembering all this, I have a new idea. I think I need to start freaking people out in bars with this fact about my mouth and see what their reactions are to this. I may end up with some very uneducated, very frisky new friends....
EVERYONE HAS THEIR KRYPTONITE
*WARNING - If you haven't seen Superman Returns and want to, then don't read this. I may spoil it.
Our intent was to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean. Unfortunately almost every show through 10:00 was sold out. We decided to go get a drink and some dinner at the nearby pub, and then decided to go see another movie. Nothing we wanted to see was playing at that theater, so we drove to the next place five minutes away. In getting there, we decided on Superman Returns.
Now I had heard that it wasn't that great. I'd heard Brandon Routh was mechanical. I went in with low expectations and came out "pshawing" at what I'd been told. I loved it! I loved the directing, and thought it held true to the format of the films I grew up loving. Brandon Routh was almost an exact duplicate of Christopher Reeve in his looks, his acting of the part, his mannerisms, everything. I thought he was great for this role. I don't think anyone can EVER top Gene Hackman as Lex Luther though, plus I hear Kevin Spacey is evil and I think this has rooted in my head. Anyways, I loved the movie! I even cried.
After the movie, my friends and I were talking about it and Bri and I were saying how much we liked it. I asked her husband if he did and he said he thought it was too long, and that the one thing he hates about Superman is that Kryptonite is the only way you can kill him...that it doesn't leave a lot of other options to get him. We then started discussing the offspring of Superman, and how Kryptonite doesn't get to him at all, so how will he EVER die?
I was thinking about this on my way home. How would you kill Superman's offspring when he's resistant to even the one thing that can off his father? How would a boy who learns he's invincible live his life? He's obviously going to push the limits. He'll grow up and cause destruction and chaos. He'll booze his way through life. He'll do lines before he flies. He'll be a show off and thinks he's super cool like that fool magician Criss Angel. All the while every person that sees him flying around in his black Superson suit, covered in vomit from his binge the night before, will shake their head and talk of how Superman must be ashamed as all get out.
Superson will be so fucked up in the head, he can't hold a relationship. And let's not forget that the fact he's faster than a speeding bullet just like his dad. By the time any girlfriend can lift their legs in the air, he's done and smoking a cigarette. No one wants that kind of sex life. So in desperation, he will then turn to whores. And that's when it happens. He finds his Kryptonite.
He gets an STD. Superson's Kryptonite is gonnorhea. What can be cured in humans, cannot be cured in this half superhero/half human.
And then his dick falls off.
Yes, I like that ending.
Our intent was to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean. Unfortunately almost every show through 10:00 was sold out. We decided to go get a drink and some dinner at the nearby pub, and then decided to go see another movie. Nothing we wanted to see was playing at that theater, so we drove to the next place five minutes away. In getting there, we decided on Superman Returns.
Now I had heard that it wasn't that great. I'd heard Brandon Routh was mechanical. I went in with low expectations and came out "pshawing" at what I'd been told. I loved it! I loved the directing, and thought it held true to the format of the films I grew up loving. Brandon Routh was almost an exact duplicate of Christopher Reeve in his looks, his acting of the part, his mannerisms, everything. I thought he was great for this role. I don't think anyone can EVER top Gene Hackman as Lex Luther though, plus I hear Kevin Spacey is evil and I think this has rooted in my head. Anyways, I loved the movie! I even cried.
After the movie, my friends and I were talking about it and Bri and I were saying how much we liked it. I asked her husband if he did and he said he thought it was too long, and that the one thing he hates about Superman is that Kryptonite is the only way you can kill him...that it doesn't leave a lot of other options to get him. We then started discussing the offspring of Superman, and how Kryptonite doesn't get to him at all, so how will he EVER die?
I was thinking about this on my way home. How would you kill Superman's offspring when he's resistant to even the one thing that can off his father? How would a boy who learns he's invincible live his life? He's obviously going to push the limits. He'll grow up and cause destruction and chaos. He'll booze his way through life. He'll do lines before he flies. He'll be a show off and thinks he's super cool like that fool magician Criss Angel. All the while every person that sees him flying around in his black Superson suit, covered in vomit from his binge the night before, will shake their head and talk of how Superman must be ashamed as all get out.
Superson will be so fucked up in the head, he can't hold a relationship. And let's not forget that the fact he's faster than a speeding bullet just like his dad. By the time any girlfriend can lift their legs in the air, he's done and smoking a cigarette. No one wants that kind of sex life. So in desperation, he will then turn to whores. And that's when it happens. He finds his Kryptonite.
He gets an STD. Superson's Kryptonite is gonnorhea. What can be cured in humans, cannot be cured in this half superhero/half human.
And then his dick falls off.
Yes, I like that ending.
