IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE...
Once Upon a Time there was a neurotic girl with a wild imagination....
Okay, so I can't believe I'm going to share this story. This is completing mortifying, but the three people I told laughed at it, and my coworker convinced me to share it. So ladies and gentleman, if you didn't think I was completely neurotic before, here's your proof!
Last night was a very stressful night and I wasn't feeling well. I even broke down and bought cigarettes and smoked a few. After then beating myself up for that, and repeatedly gagging at how I smelled, I tried to go to bed. My mind was spinning and my stomach was in bad pain. I couldn't sleep, and it soon turned to midnight. My stomach was now hurting REALLY bad and I felt shaky. I got out of bed and went to poo. It was a normal poo, not the diarrhea I was expecting.
When I wipe I always look at the toilet paper because I want to make sure I get my bum clean. Now you may go "Ewwwwww," but you KNOW that you do it too! And if you don't, I'd hate to see your panties! Anyways, when I look, it looks like there is a good amount of blood mixed in.
What the fuck? Where is this blood coming from? And no, it was not a tear or an "anal fissure" as my coworker suggested before I finished my story. Maybe I got my period? Yes, I must have gotten my period. I check out the situation. Nope. No period. Huh.
I wipe again and blood. Every time I wipe it looks like blood is in the poo. And even though I'm seeing it, I of course question it. Did I eat a lot of red something? Did those two glasses of wine tint my poo? Is my asshole angry? Is it blushing? I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, butthole! Hmmmmm....
So I go to flush, and I kid you not, the water was tinged red! It was like my poo was attacked by a sewer shark and bled!
This completely freaks me out! I didn't know what to do. It was enough blood to be concerned and I thought that maybe I should see a doctor in the morning. I had blood in my stool with stomach pain when I was 23, and it turned out to be an ulcer. With everything that's been happening lately this would not surprise me one bit. Unfortunately, when you have blood in your stool the doctor usually sticks a finger in your ass and then makes you give stool samples. Unless I am in love and got a buzz going, you ain't putting ANYTHING up my butt, and I sure as hell am not wiping my poo onto sample cards. I nix the doctor idea.
The pain got more intense, and I was laying in bed writhing, trying to get comfortable. My mind kept going back to the red, tinged water. I know this is not good, but there is no way I'm going to the hospital. I wonder if I'm going to die in my sleep from internal bleeding? I then think of how I'll be discovered and how everyone's first thought is going to be that I offed myself. I mean there's no murder scene. It just looks I'm sleeping peacefully and not waking up. They'd find this perfectly healthy (beside asthma and a wild imagination) near 34-year old woman who won't wake up for some reason. They will surely think it suicide. I'm not going to let this happen, I decide.
I stumble out of bed and look around my room. There is a yellow legal pad on my desk. It's covered in writing with the exception of the lower, right corner. I rip the corner off and grab a pen. I think of what I should say. Keep it brief, I think to myself. If you write too much trying to explain everything they're going to think it a bad lie of a suicide note. They all know you suck at lying, so it will just sound like you're trying to cover your ass if you go into too much detail on this note.
In my painful, sleepy state, I write the following:
"8/21/06 There was a lot of blood in my stool tonight, and I don't feel well. - Heather"
I figure this will clear up the fact that it's not a suicide, and they will then also know my symptoms pre-death. You know, help out the coroner type of thing. I lay the note on the table thing next to my bed, roll over and say good-bye to my two cats laying near me. I close my eyes and think of how long it will take for me to be found, and I drift off.
I wake up in the morning and realize I am still alive. Whew! And then I see my note laying there. I quickly jump out of bed, run to the garbage and bury it beneath the trash so that no one will EVER know of the time I bid adieu on a piece of scrap paper after an encounter with bloody poo.
The End.
Okay, so I can't believe I'm going to share this story. This is completing mortifying, but the three people I told laughed at it, and my coworker convinced me to share it. So ladies and gentleman, if you didn't think I was completely neurotic before, here's your proof!
Last night was a very stressful night and I wasn't feeling well. I even broke down and bought cigarettes and smoked a few. After then beating myself up for that, and repeatedly gagging at how I smelled, I tried to go to bed. My mind was spinning and my stomach was in bad pain. I couldn't sleep, and it soon turned to midnight. My stomach was now hurting REALLY bad and I felt shaky. I got out of bed and went to poo. It was a normal poo, not the diarrhea I was expecting.
When I wipe I always look at the toilet paper because I want to make sure I get my bum clean. Now you may go "Ewwwwww," but you KNOW that you do it too! And if you don't, I'd hate to see your panties! Anyways, when I look, it looks like there is a good amount of blood mixed in.
What the fuck? Where is this blood coming from? And no, it was not a tear or an "anal fissure" as my coworker suggested before I finished my story. Maybe I got my period? Yes, I must have gotten my period. I check out the situation. Nope. No period. Huh.
I wipe again and blood. Every time I wipe it looks like blood is in the poo. And even though I'm seeing it, I of course question it. Did I eat a lot of red something? Did those two glasses of wine tint my poo? Is my asshole angry? Is it blushing? I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, butthole! Hmmmmm....
So I go to flush, and I kid you not, the water was tinged red! It was like my poo was attacked by a sewer shark and bled!
This completely freaks me out! I didn't know what to do. It was enough blood to be concerned and I thought that maybe I should see a doctor in the morning. I had blood in my stool with stomach pain when I was 23, and it turned out to be an ulcer. With everything that's been happening lately this would not surprise me one bit. Unfortunately, when you have blood in your stool the doctor usually sticks a finger in your ass and then makes you give stool samples. Unless I am in love and got a buzz going, you ain't putting ANYTHING up my butt, and I sure as hell am not wiping my poo onto sample cards. I nix the doctor idea.
The pain got more intense, and I was laying in bed writhing, trying to get comfortable. My mind kept going back to the red, tinged water. I know this is not good, but there is no way I'm going to the hospital. I wonder if I'm going to die in my sleep from internal bleeding? I then think of how I'll be discovered and how everyone's first thought is going to be that I offed myself. I mean there's no murder scene. It just looks I'm sleeping peacefully and not waking up. They'd find this perfectly healthy (beside asthma and a wild imagination) near 34-year old woman who won't wake up for some reason. They will surely think it suicide. I'm not going to let this happen, I decide.
I stumble out of bed and look around my room. There is a yellow legal pad on my desk. It's covered in writing with the exception of the lower, right corner. I rip the corner off and grab a pen. I think of what I should say. Keep it brief, I think to myself. If you write too much trying to explain everything they're going to think it a bad lie of a suicide note. They all know you suck at lying, so it will just sound like you're trying to cover your ass if you go into too much detail on this note.
In my painful, sleepy state, I write the following:
"8/21/06 There was a lot of blood in my stool tonight, and I don't feel well. - Heather"
I figure this will clear up the fact that it's not a suicide, and they will then also know my symptoms pre-death. You know, help out the coroner type of thing. I lay the note on the table thing next to my bed, roll over and say good-bye to my two cats laying near me. I close my eyes and think of how long it will take for me to be found, and I drift off.
I wake up in the morning and realize I am still alive. Whew! And then I see my note laying there. I quickly jump out of bed, run to the garbage and bury it beneath the trash so that no one will EVER know of the time I bid adieu on a piece of scrap paper after an encounter with bloody poo.
The End.
MOBILE MADNESS!
This whole cell phone thing is driving me crazy! It's not the mobile phone aspect of it that bugs me, but all the other things they are doing with them. Tonight I saw a commercial for a phone that is a phone, a MP3 player, AND a navigational system. Yes! A NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEM!!!
What the fuck is going on in this world? I know it's supposed to be a convenience thing, but it just seems stupid to me. I have games, internet, and a slew of other crap available on my phone, but I never use it and when I do they seem to charge me $20 to use it. I'd rather just have a phone with the text messaging, thank you. I got the phone to communicate and I'd kind of like to just leave it at that.
This got me thinking though that if they're going to start combining a phone with other things, why not combine things that are necessities in life? For men they can have a phone with games, a voice that speaks on the hour complimenting him on something to feed his ego, a universal remote and an electric razor. For woman they can have a phone with a lie detector for dates, a stun gun, and a vibrator (though we'd have to figure out a self-cleaning mechanism).
Hell! If we're going to start doing phone combos, why not start combining other products that REALLY need to be created. How about disposable panties with a built in tampon/pad? You would never again ruin a pair of panties that then are hidden away until that time of the month. Or what about men's boxer's with a skidmark pad in the ass? A hairbrush that releases frizz serum when you brush your hair? An alarm clock of self affirmations? An office chair that is a leg press? A craftmatic style bed that forces your body to do situps? A candle with a timer on it so that a puff of air blows it out after a certain time? A porn that can impose your head on the porn star's body? A camera that ALWAYS makes you look skinny, and like you have a perfect nose? I mean, shit! THIS is the type of thing they should be working on rather than a fucking navigational system.
I could actually buy into all this techy crap if someone got on the ball! Actually, they'd probably contort it and make underwear that is a phone that a guy can dial with his dick.
What the fuck is going on in this world? I know it's supposed to be a convenience thing, but it just seems stupid to me. I have games, internet, and a slew of other crap available on my phone, but I never use it and when I do they seem to charge me $20 to use it. I'd rather just have a phone with the text messaging, thank you. I got the phone to communicate and I'd kind of like to just leave it at that.
This got me thinking though that if they're going to start combining a phone with other things, why not combine things that are necessities in life? For men they can have a phone with games, a voice that speaks on the hour complimenting him on something to feed his ego, a universal remote and an electric razor. For woman they can have a phone with a lie detector for dates, a stun gun, and a vibrator (though we'd have to figure out a self-cleaning mechanism).
Hell! If we're going to start doing phone combos, why not start combining other products that REALLY need to be created. How about disposable panties with a built in tampon/pad? You would never again ruin a pair of panties that then are hidden away until that time of the month. Or what about men's boxer's with a skidmark pad in the ass? A hairbrush that releases frizz serum when you brush your hair? An alarm clock of self affirmations? An office chair that is a leg press? A craftmatic style bed that forces your body to do situps? A candle with a timer on it so that a puff of air blows it out after a certain time? A porn that can impose your head on the porn star's body? A camera that ALWAYS makes you look skinny, and like you have a perfect nose? I mean, shit! THIS is the type of thing they should be working on rather than a fucking navigational system.
I could actually buy into all this techy crap if someone got on the ball! Actually, they'd probably contort it and make underwear that is a phone that a guy can dial with his dick.
THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, WHEN THE BANSHEES CRY
I have been in the worst funk lately. I pretty much want to live in my bed, so I've had to force myself to go out and do things, otherwise I know I will eventually become one with my sheets.
There are so many questions I have that I am desperately seeking answers for. I want to feel sure of the decisions I'm trying to make and the options that I have in front of me. It is taking up way too much room in my mind that is already full of visions of nose jobs and Botox dancing in my head. I need some peace.
So with everything that has been going on, there are moments that I feel like I'm losing my mind. I mean, logically I know I'm not, but with everything that's been happening I've definitely had my moments of questioning my sanity. So that is why I got a bit nervous with what happened to me today.
Now, I have a very active imagination and there is much dialogue that happens in my head. It's simply my mind telling me what to do or not to do. My Jiminy Cricket, so to speak, or as the Mormons called it growing up...that still, small voice. Typically it consists of some of the following...
"I want to be skinny."
"Has my nose grown over the last ten years? I swear it has!"
"I feel bloated."
"So and so is approaching. Hold your fart. HOLD YOUR FART!"
"I wonder what it's like to have sex?"
"Her butt is so small! I wish I had that ass."
"How can I get Trinity to stop peeing on linens?"
Sometimes Jiminy Cricket gets angry...
"If you open your mouth one more time I will pee in your eyes!"
"I wish I had a snow plow so I could pick your fucking car up with it and just dump you behind me. Move asshole! Move!"
"If you flip your hair and giggle one more time, I will shove that light beer up your anorexic ass!"
Then sometimes Jiminy gets a bit on the strange side...
"I wonder what my mouse pad tastes like?"
"Can I sign my name holding a pencil with my toes?"
"Don't look at his crotch. Look at his elbow. ELBOW!"
"I want to touch that coat. It looks so soft."
"What panties am I wearing? Oh my god, I don't know what underwear I'm wearing!"
"Oh lord, it smells like ocean and garbage. What is that smell? Oh no, it's me! I farted and didn't even know it!"
So today I am working and my entire department was gone, so it's really quiet for me. I'm working on making flyers and door hanger cards for our colleges, when I hear it.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
I stop typing and sit there for a moment.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
It sounded like a subtle Banshee. I am totally freaked out of Banshees.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
I get out of my cube and walk around to see if anyone is near me and I might be overhearing something. Nothing. I sit back down.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Now this is getting to me bad. I decide I have lost my mind and am hearing voices. I quickly glance around to make sure no one is around still. Empty. I sit back down and mutter, "Hello?" I figure if I've lost it and am hearing voices, I might as well be polite and take part in the dialogue.
No response. Huh. Okay.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Fuck! There it is again.
"Hello?"
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Okay, is that Banshee for "Hello, Heather. I'm taking over?" I decide that I can solve this for sure. I plug my ears because I'm sure that if I hear the Banshee with my ears plugged, it is really in my head and I will institutionalize myself. I plug my ears.
Silence.
Woo-hoo! Not crazy!
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Fuck! Fuck, shit, fuck! You fucking Banshee come out! Show yourself! I know you're not in my mind because I can't hear you with my ears plugged. Show yourself you fucking pussy!
And then the paper ran out in the color printer and the Banshee stopped.
There are so many questions I have that I am desperately seeking answers for. I want to feel sure of the decisions I'm trying to make and the options that I have in front of me. It is taking up way too much room in my mind that is already full of visions of nose jobs and Botox dancing in my head. I need some peace.
So with everything that has been going on, there are moments that I feel like I'm losing my mind. I mean, logically I know I'm not, but with everything that's been happening I've definitely had my moments of questioning my sanity. So that is why I got a bit nervous with what happened to me today.
Now, I have a very active imagination and there is much dialogue that happens in my head. It's simply my mind telling me what to do or not to do. My Jiminy Cricket, so to speak, or as the Mormons called it growing up...that still, small voice. Typically it consists of some of the following...
"I want to be skinny."
"Has my nose grown over the last ten years? I swear it has!"
"I feel bloated."
"So and so is approaching. Hold your fart. HOLD YOUR FART!"
"I wonder what it's like to have sex?"
"Her butt is so small! I wish I had that ass."
"How can I get Trinity to stop peeing on linens?"
Sometimes Jiminy Cricket gets angry...
"If you open your mouth one more time I will pee in your eyes!"
"I wish I had a snow plow so I could pick your fucking car up with it and just dump you behind me. Move asshole! Move!"
"If you flip your hair and giggle one more time, I will shove that light beer up your anorexic ass!"
Then sometimes Jiminy gets a bit on the strange side...
"I wonder what my mouse pad tastes like?"
"Can I sign my name holding a pencil with my toes?"
"Don't look at his crotch. Look at his elbow. ELBOW!"
"I want to touch that coat. It looks so soft."
"What panties am I wearing? Oh my god, I don't know what underwear I'm wearing!"
"Oh lord, it smells like ocean and garbage. What is that smell? Oh no, it's me! I farted and didn't even know it!"
So today I am working and my entire department was gone, so it's really quiet for me. I'm working on making flyers and door hanger cards for our colleges, when I hear it.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
I stop typing and sit there for a moment.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
It sounded like a subtle Banshee. I am totally freaked out of Banshees.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
I get out of my cube and walk around to see if anyone is near me and I might be overhearing something. Nothing. I sit back down.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Now this is getting to me bad. I decide I have lost my mind and am hearing voices. I quickly glance around to make sure no one is around still. Empty. I sit back down and mutter, "Hello?" I figure if I've lost it and am hearing voices, I might as well be polite and take part in the dialogue.
No response. Huh. Okay.
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Fuck! There it is again.
"Hello?"
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Okay, is that Banshee for "Hello, Heather. I'm taking over?" I decide that I can solve this for sure. I plug my ears because I'm sure that if I hear the Banshee with my ears plugged, it is really in my head and I will institutionalize myself. I plug my ears.
Silence.
Woo-hoo! Not crazy!
"Heeeeeeee. Heeeeeeeeee. Heeeeeeee."
Fuck! Fuck, shit, fuck! You fucking Banshee come out! Show yourself! I know you're not in my mind because I can't hear you with my ears plugged. Show yourself you fucking pussy!
And then the paper ran out in the color printer and the Banshee stopped.
THE WHEEL OF LIFE
There are so many things I am feeling, so many things I wish to write, but they seem too personal for this. Something too personal for Heather to share? Well, because they are about people in my life, I don't feel I have the right to discuss things that they themselves don't choose to discuss. I will just say that there is some weird shit happening. Some really good, some really bad. I feel as if I'm sitting cross-legged on the floor with a tornado spinning around me and I'm trying to stay very still so as not to get sucked into the black tunnel.
As usual I am constantly contemplating my life and new adventures. I am back to wondering if I should stay here and make a life for myself and settle in, and get my own place. I've been living in "transition" for over two years now for various reasons, but mainly because I am constantly planning my escape from this state and refuse to commit to a lease. But I wonder if I should raise my white flag and surrender to myself and settle in to a life that I am happy with rather than always looking forward, always waiting for the next thing to happen rather than be happy NOW.
Can I do this, or should I start fresh, start anew? Have a new adventure, a new experience, a new chapter in my book? The possibilities seem endless. I am for sure sticking around until May, but from there I am unsure. Maybe I will throw some cities, including here, into a hat, and draw one to determine my destiny. I know that may seem ridiculous, but I tend to work well with the ridiculous and spontaneous.
Now that I think about it, I think what I really need is a gameshow wheel for different categories in my life - love, work, play, travel, simplicities. Every time my indecisiveness hits, which is every ten minutes, I go to one of my Wheels of Life and spin the appropriate one.
LOVE WHEEL
"Should I go out on that date?"
Spin the wheel......and stop. "Make out with him and then freak out and never call him again."
WORK WHEEL
"Should I quit my job?"
Spin the wheel......and stop. "Duh."
PLAY WHEEL
"Should I go to that party when I have a hike in the morning?"
Spin the wheel.....and stop. "Drink a bottle of wine, stay up all night, laugh until you pee and then ditch your soiled panties on the trail on your hike."
TRAVEL WHEEL
"Where should I move?"
Spin the wheel....and stop. "Anywhere where no one knows your name...and some sun and water couldn't hurt."
SIMPLICITIES WHEEL
"What pants should I wear?"
Spin the wheel....and stop. "If I were you I'd stay in your pajamas in bed, and not let anyone see you in public."
I think for now I will continue with Eeney-Meeney-Miney-Mo....and yes, I still do that to make decisions.
As usual I am constantly contemplating my life and new adventures. I am back to wondering if I should stay here and make a life for myself and settle in, and get my own place. I've been living in "transition" for over two years now for various reasons, but mainly because I am constantly planning my escape from this state and refuse to commit to a lease. But I wonder if I should raise my white flag and surrender to myself and settle in to a life that I am happy with rather than always looking forward, always waiting for the next thing to happen rather than be happy NOW.
Can I do this, or should I start fresh, start anew? Have a new adventure, a new experience, a new chapter in my book? The possibilities seem endless. I am for sure sticking around until May, but from there I am unsure. Maybe I will throw some cities, including here, into a hat, and draw one to determine my destiny. I know that may seem ridiculous, but I tend to work well with the ridiculous and spontaneous.
Now that I think about it, I think what I really need is a gameshow wheel for different categories in my life - love, work, play, travel, simplicities. Every time my indecisiveness hits, which is every ten minutes, I go to one of my Wheels of Life and spin the appropriate one.
LOVE WHEEL
"Should I go out on that date?"
Spin the wheel......and stop. "Make out with him and then freak out and never call him again."
WORK WHEEL
"Should I quit my job?"
Spin the wheel......and stop. "Duh."
PLAY WHEEL
"Should I go to that party when I have a hike in the morning?"
Spin the wheel.....and stop. "Drink a bottle of wine, stay up all night, laugh until you pee and then ditch your soiled panties on the trail on your hike."
TRAVEL WHEEL
"Where should I move?"
Spin the wheel....and stop. "Anywhere where no one knows your name...and some sun and water couldn't hurt."
SIMPLICITIES WHEEL
"What pants should I wear?"
Spin the wheel....and stop. "If I were you I'd stay in your pajamas in bed, and not let anyone see you in public."
I think for now I will continue with Eeney-Meeney-Miney-Mo....and yes, I still do that to make decisions.
