MY VAGINA'S GOING TO NORTH CAROLINA!
Well, as many of you know by now I am moving to North Carolina on October 9th. I think I'm kind of in shock about it, but not really. It's funny as I have decided to move there many a time to be closer to family, to be a part of my niece's life, and to be able to afford to buy a place in a few years.
After much back and forth about the decision, and attempting to look for work back there, I decided to just stay in Seattle and figure out a new job and living situation. Five days later I am told there is a job for me if all goes well and I'm interested. That was two weeks ago, and after emails and conversations with the owner of the company, he formally offered me the job today and I accepted. I'm so excited about it! It's going to be a great opportunity and I can't wait to be closer to my mom, sister and niece!
It's strange how it's all worked out. There have been numerous signs to do it. I had said to my mom recently that if I were supposed to move there that the opportunity would drop into my lap, and now it has. Everything since I first learned of the job has just pointed me in that direction. Things are just falling into place so easily.
So here I sit trying to grasp the fact that I am truly leaving Seattle for the third time. I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened and how everything's been right so far. Nothing was on TV at 10 PM so I start flipping the channels and a movie is starting on FX. I'm thinking, okay this is good. I'm watching it and learn it's "Wrong Turn."
I've heard this is one of those cheesy horror films aimed more at teens, but sometimes I enjoy those. I settle in and then it happens. I learn the plot. It's about killer inbreds in North Carolina!!! I am not fucking kidding you. This guy is on his way to frickin' Raleigh and takes a back route due to traffic, runs into other early twenties people wearing little clothing, and now inbreds are hunting them!
Now I'm freaked out. I know that I'm not moving to some backwoods inbred town or anything, but I like to go hiking! What if the inbreds like the trails that I like? Will they try to kill me or mate with me? Or will they befriend me and we can sit on a rock and discuss whether or not a stick can really be used as a toothbrush? Will they try to lick my hiking boots while telling me to squeal like a piggy? Or will they teach me how to create a shelter out of dirty overalls and rabbit pelt?
Ewwww! Ewwww! They are cutting off ears and killing with barbed wire! Oh my god! That's it! If none of you ever hear from me again after I move there, you KNOW it's because an inbred got me while hiking. How can I make this work? How can I hike, but be safe from the inbreds on the trails? I'm thinking maybe if I hike in bubble wrap and carry a taser... Yes, that is sounding good. Or maybe I will carry hummus. Inbreds surely don't like hummus. I will be hiking along in my bubble wrap making way too much noise from it, when all of a sudden a toothless inbred jumps out of the bushes!
Inbred: Hey girlie. I's a gonna eat you fo breakfast! My momma said to bring back some'in good.
Me: (Popping as I reach into my bubble pocket) Maybe you should bring your momma some HUMMUS!
I throw the hummus at the inbred's face!
Inbred: (Clawing at his face) NOT ORGANIC!!!!
Me: Yes, organic!
I reach into my other bubble pocket and pull out the taser and shock his arm.
Me: You can tell your momma/cousin that THAT'S for breakfast, bitch!
I will then run like the wind, bubbles popping as I run down the trail to safety.
And THAT my friends, is how I will survive hiking in North Carolina.
After much back and forth about the decision, and attempting to look for work back there, I decided to just stay in Seattle and figure out a new job and living situation. Five days later I am told there is a job for me if all goes well and I'm interested. That was two weeks ago, and after emails and conversations with the owner of the company, he formally offered me the job today and I accepted. I'm so excited about it! It's going to be a great opportunity and I can't wait to be closer to my mom, sister and niece!
It's strange how it's all worked out. There have been numerous signs to do it. I had said to my mom recently that if I were supposed to move there that the opportunity would drop into my lap, and now it has. Everything since I first learned of the job has just pointed me in that direction. Things are just falling into place so easily.
So here I sit trying to grasp the fact that I am truly leaving Seattle for the third time. I've been thinking about all the signs that have happened and how everything's been right so far. Nothing was on TV at 10 PM so I start flipping the channels and a movie is starting on FX. I'm thinking, okay this is good. I'm watching it and learn it's "Wrong Turn."
I've heard this is one of those cheesy horror films aimed more at teens, but sometimes I enjoy those. I settle in and then it happens. I learn the plot. It's about killer inbreds in North Carolina!!! I am not fucking kidding you. This guy is on his way to frickin' Raleigh and takes a back route due to traffic, runs into other early twenties people wearing little clothing, and now inbreds are hunting them!
Now I'm freaked out. I know that I'm not moving to some backwoods inbred town or anything, but I like to go hiking! What if the inbreds like the trails that I like? Will they try to kill me or mate with me? Or will they befriend me and we can sit on a rock and discuss whether or not a stick can really be used as a toothbrush? Will they try to lick my hiking boots while telling me to squeal like a piggy? Or will they teach me how to create a shelter out of dirty overalls and rabbit pelt?
Ewwww! Ewwww! They are cutting off ears and killing with barbed wire! Oh my god! That's it! If none of you ever hear from me again after I move there, you KNOW it's because an inbred got me while hiking. How can I make this work? How can I hike, but be safe from the inbreds on the trails? I'm thinking maybe if I hike in bubble wrap and carry a taser... Yes, that is sounding good. Or maybe I will carry hummus. Inbreds surely don't like hummus. I will be hiking along in my bubble wrap making way too much noise from it, when all of a sudden a toothless inbred jumps out of the bushes!
Inbred: Hey girlie. I's a gonna eat you fo breakfast! My momma said to bring back some'in good.
Me: (Popping as I reach into my bubble pocket) Maybe you should bring your momma some HUMMUS!
I throw the hummus at the inbred's face!
Inbred: (Clawing at his face) NOT ORGANIC!!!!
Me: Yes, organic!
I reach into my other bubble pocket and pull out the taser and shock his arm.
Me: You can tell your momma/cousin that THAT'S for breakfast, bitch!
I will then run like the wind, bubbles popping as I run down the trail to safety.
And THAT my friends, is how I will survive hiking in North Carolina.
RANTING...IN GENERAL
Before I get into the real rant, I have to note something. On my site the Google ad thing that my friend has set up on here, always chooses key words from my blogs and then picks sites that are relative based on my ramblings. I felt pathetic for a long time, as most of the Google selections were about finding love, not being pathetic, and how to live alone. Well, I am very alone, and very happy about it, and very much not pathetic, so Google can go fuck itself.
After some time, the topics changed. As many of you would guess, it often brought up sites about excessive gas, alcoholism and once again how to find a man. At least it had some variety to it, so I was okay with that.
Then today I was outright disgusted and pissed at what the Google ads linked to my blog...sites on Good Charlotte. I HATE this fucking band. I despise them, think they are crap, and somehow they have been linked to my blog? Where the hell did this come from? I cannot figure this out, but I just want everyone to know that I by no means endorse the music or musings of Good Charlotte, or any terrible teen actresses they date.
Okay, now back to my original rant. Some of you know this, many don't, but at the end of July I went camping and ended up hooking up with someone. It was kept fairly clean, and no, I did not break the ongoing streak. I was quite taken back by this person though they would never be someone who would be good for me to date, but I was extremely attracted to him and felt weak around him, and had all sorts of other bizarre reactions and thoughts.
I ran into him on Friday night and never once mentioned it, said hi and then watched the bands I was there to see, nowhere near him. He is friends with my friend, and at one point the three of us were all hanging out and talking, and my friend had to go to the bathroom. Now, I was kinda buzzed, and then the following conversation happened.
Boy: So, uh, I just wanted to let you know I had a really good time with you in your tent that night camping.
Me: Me too.
Boy: (looking relieved) Oh okay, good.
Me: Why, were you weird about it?
Boy: No, I was just hoping you weren't.
Me: No, in fact I wouldn't mind it happening again sometime.
Boy: You DON'T want it to happen again?
Me: No, I wouldn't MIND it happening again.
Boy: Yeah, me too...in general.
Okay folks, "in general"? What the fuck does that mean? I ran this by my friend after the boy left, being that my friend is a boy and speaks boy. I repeat the conversation and he says, "What the fuck?" I'm all, "I know!" I decided aloud that that I am convinced that means, "I don't mind hooking up with ANYONE....I like to get any sort of action in general." My friend says he has no clue what it means, but agrees that it sounds weird.
Last night I run this by a couple of my other friends (guys and girls). They all sit there and look confused. "He SAID that?" I nod and tell them what I think it means. Some nod in agreement. Another then suggests that he maybe means he wouldn't mind it happening with ME again at any time...the "any time" meaning "in general". I don't think it works.
"I really like you...in general."
"I like Swedish pancakes...in general."
"I think Play Doh is fun...in general."
"I take a shower...in general."
"We could make out again...in general."
What the fuck does that mean? Though I am immensely attracted to this man, I don't care if something does or doesn't happen again, but I will say that the boy really tripped me out with this comment.
I think I hate men...in general.
After some time, the topics changed. As many of you would guess, it often brought up sites about excessive gas, alcoholism and once again how to find a man. At least it had some variety to it, so I was okay with that.
Then today I was outright disgusted and pissed at what the Google ads linked to my blog...sites on Good Charlotte. I HATE this fucking band. I despise them, think they are crap, and somehow they have been linked to my blog? Where the hell did this come from? I cannot figure this out, but I just want everyone to know that I by no means endorse the music or musings of Good Charlotte, or any terrible teen actresses they date.
Okay, now back to my original rant. Some of you know this, many don't, but at the end of July I went camping and ended up hooking up with someone. It was kept fairly clean, and no, I did not break the ongoing streak. I was quite taken back by this person though they would never be someone who would be good for me to date, but I was extremely attracted to him and felt weak around him, and had all sorts of other bizarre reactions and thoughts.
I ran into him on Friday night and never once mentioned it, said hi and then watched the bands I was there to see, nowhere near him. He is friends with my friend, and at one point the three of us were all hanging out and talking, and my friend had to go to the bathroom. Now, I was kinda buzzed, and then the following conversation happened.
Boy: So, uh, I just wanted to let you know I had a really good time with you in your tent that night camping.
Me: Me too.
Boy: (looking relieved) Oh okay, good.
Me: Why, were you weird about it?
Boy: No, I was just hoping you weren't.
Me: No, in fact I wouldn't mind it happening again sometime.
Boy: You DON'T want it to happen again?
Me: No, I wouldn't MIND it happening again.
Boy: Yeah, me too...in general.
Okay folks, "in general"? What the fuck does that mean? I ran this by my friend after the boy left, being that my friend is a boy and speaks boy. I repeat the conversation and he says, "What the fuck?" I'm all, "I know!" I decided aloud that that I am convinced that means, "I don't mind hooking up with ANYONE....I like to get any sort of action in general." My friend says he has no clue what it means, but agrees that it sounds weird.
Last night I run this by a couple of my other friends (guys and girls). They all sit there and look confused. "He SAID that?" I nod and tell them what I think it means. Some nod in agreement. Another then suggests that he maybe means he wouldn't mind it happening with ME again at any time...the "any time" meaning "in general". I don't think it works.
"I really like you...in general."
"I like Swedish pancakes...in general."
"I think Play Doh is fun...in general."
"I take a shower...in general."
"We could make out again...in general."
What the fuck does that mean? Though I am immensely attracted to this man, I don't care if something does or doesn't happen again, but I will say that the boy really tripped me out with this comment.
I think I hate men...in general.
VICTORIA'S (NOT SO) SECRET
Dear Victoria's Secret,
Last year for my birthday I received a gift card for your store. I kept setting it aside and/or forgetting I had it. My friend, April and I went shopping today and she reminded me to take the gift card with. I was so excited to finally use it!
Upon entering the store, I was amused to be greeted by a tank top hanging on the wall that read, "My Secret, Pink Garden." Hmmmm. I think I shall start a competing tank top that says, "My Unused, Pink Vagina." For that brilliant moment, and touching saying on the tank top, I thank you.
My friend and I proceed to look around the store and find the free panty that we both get with our special coupon. I then see five panties for $25. I realize I can get these and use my gift card! I'm very excited and start picking out which ones I want. Now, please note that I KNOW I've gained weight since I quit smoking. It's finally starting to come off, but I still have a ways to go, so I have to buy one size up from what I normally wear. The panties look HUGE as I pull my size out of the pile. I look around to see if anyone saw them, and I begin folding each pair in half so they don't look as big.
I then go off to the bras. I could not remember what size I was. A sales girl sees I look confused and I tell her I don't know what size I am as I walk towards the fitting rooms. She then offers to measure me right there in the middle of the fucking store. I thanked her, but said I would just check the bra I was wearing once I got in a dressing room. She once again said she could just measure me right there, and I once again refuse. I check my actual bra size and see it's different from the bra I've brought in. I go back out and get that size. Doesn't fit. I check a bigger cup size, doesn't fit. It takes me four trips back and forth to finally find a bra size that fits. I want to cry that my bra size has increased, just as my panty size has.
I am finally ready to buy my items. April and I go up to the empty counter. April pays for her purchases. I then go and put my folded fat girl panties and new, bigger bra on the counter. Then, to my horror the cashier rings up my panties and then UNFOLDS the panties after each one is rung up. I am not pleased by this. I hear something behind me and see that a line of anorexic women has formed in the last minute or so.
My face was getting hot, and I my mind berated me for my eating habits as the cashier kept unfolding each pair of my big ass panties onto the counter for everyone to see. I glanced around again see more anorexics behind me looking confused. I'm sure that they had never seen so much material in all their lives and thought I was perhaps buying a parachute at Victoria's Secret. I want to yell, "No skinny bitches, this is what it takes to cover my ass, okay?"
I am growing more and more angry as the cashier continues to add to the collage of fat girl undies on the counter. Finally she scans my gift card, coupon, and credit card. She then FOLDS my panties back to where I fucking had them in the first place and wraps them in their famous pink tissue paper and stuffs them into the bag. I wanted to say, "Thank God they fit since they're SO fucking big!" as she handed me the bag and happily chirps, "Have a good day!" I flipped her off in my mind and ranted to April about it on and off for the rest of the day.
Being that you are a women's lingerie store, I would think you would know women. I would hope that you would respect the fact that maybe we don't want our big bras and sail-sized panties shown to every patron in your store. Maybe Victoria needs to be a little MORE secret.
Wishing you fat asses and painful underwear,
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
Last year for my birthday I received a gift card for your store. I kept setting it aside and/or forgetting I had it. My friend, April and I went shopping today and she reminded me to take the gift card with. I was so excited to finally use it!
Upon entering the store, I was amused to be greeted by a tank top hanging on the wall that read, "My Secret, Pink Garden." Hmmmm. I think I shall start a competing tank top that says, "My Unused, Pink Vagina." For that brilliant moment, and touching saying on the tank top, I thank you.
My friend and I proceed to look around the store and find the free panty that we both get with our special coupon. I then see five panties for $25. I realize I can get these and use my gift card! I'm very excited and start picking out which ones I want. Now, please note that I KNOW I've gained weight since I quit smoking. It's finally starting to come off, but I still have a ways to go, so I have to buy one size up from what I normally wear. The panties look HUGE as I pull my size out of the pile. I look around to see if anyone saw them, and I begin folding each pair in half so they don't look as big.
I then go off to the bras. I could not remember what size I was. A sales girl sees I look confused and I tell her I don't know what size I am as I walk towards the fitting rooms. She then offers to measure me right there in the middle of the fucking store. I thanked her, but said I would just check the bra I was wearing once I got in a dressing room. She once again said she could just measure me right there, and I once again refuse. I check my actual bra size and see it's different from the bra I've brought in. I go back out and get that size. Doesn't fit. I check a bigger cup size, doesn't fit. It takes me four trips back and forth to finally find a bra size that fits. I want to cry that my bra size has increased, just as my panty size has.
I am finally ready to buy my items. April and I go up to the empty counter. April pays for her purchases. I then go and put my folded fat girl panties and new, bigger bra on the counter. Then, to my horror the cashier rings up my panties and then UNFOLDS the panties after each one is rung up. I am not pleased by this. I hear something behind me and see that a line of anorexic women has formed in the last minute or so.
My face was getting hot, and I my mind berated me for my eating habits as the cashier kept unfolding each pair of my big ass panties onto the counter for everyone to see. I glanced around again see more anorexics behind me looking confused. I'm sure that they had never seen so much material in all their lives and thought I was perhaps buying a parachute at Victoria's Secret. I want to yell, "No skinny bitches, this is what it takes to cover my ass, okay?"
I am growing more and more angry as the cashier continues to add to the collage of fat girl undies on the counter. Finally she scans my gift card, coupon, and credit card. She then FOLDS my panties back to where I fucking had them in the first place and wraps them in their famous pink tissue paper and stuffs them into the bag. I wanted to say, "Thank God they fit since they're SO fucking big!" as she handed me the bag and happily chirps, "Have a good day!" I flipped her off in my mind and ranted to April about it on and off for the rest of the day.
Being that you are a women's lingerie store, I would think you would know women. I would hope that you would respect the fact that maybe we don't want our big bras and sail-sized panties shown to every patron in your store. Maybe Victoria needs to be a little MORE secret.
Wishing you fat asses and painful underwear,
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
