BEATEN FOR A BIRD
"Did your Thanksgiving get disastrous? Did your relatives get drunk and make fools of themselves? If so, give us a call! We want to hear your story!"
I was driving to work yesterday and heard the host of the local morning show I listen to, beg for gossip to spread amongst the airwaves. Now, I find this show entertaining, but I also get enraged WAY too often. There was the time a woman called to talk about a deer hitting her car, and after talking about how her husband hadn't brought home enough deer meat for the year, she told him, "That deer hit my car, now I'm going to eat it!" I got to listen to the gruesome details of them strangling this still living deer, then shoving it into their trunk. I longed for the days of Washington when a man was arrested for running over a possum intentionally.
Then there was the day Kerry didn't think well before speaking, and made the comment about if we don't work hard and do well in school, then we end up in Iraq. Now, you definitely knew that was a poor choice of words, but the backlash I heard from these local conservative bible thumpers was beyond anything they were bitching about. I was so pissed that I emailed the DJ ranting about what a bunch of loon listeners he had, and how disgusted I was with the people here being that I was from the liberal Pacific Northwest!
About two weeks ago a woman called in with a "dilemma". She said she'd always kept journals and now her husband is demanding to read them, thinking she is keeping something from him. The DJ asked callers to tell them what they think she should do. Most of the calls received were slow drawlin' men saying, "If she don' let him read her diareeee, I say she's a' cheatin' on him!" I screamed at the radio and called these people morons. I was so enraged when I got to work that I once again emailed the DJ. An hour later I heard my email being read and I shone with pride that I had FINALLY composed a calm, clear, letter that did not accuse anyone of hicks, but pointed out the therapeutic value of diaries.
I think I'm so bored here, that I'm looking to start trouble. I've become like the crazy, old woman always bitching and starting trouble, but to this poor DJ. So, this morning when I heard them asking for Thanksgiving gossip, I racked my brain. Well, my mom criticized my bangs and told my friend how much better I looked blonde, then pulled out a photo to prove it to her. No, that wouldn't do. I meant to remove the beater from the mixer, and had it lifted up and turned on the mixer thinking it was the release lever and potatoes flew all about the kitchen. Nooooo. That is lame.
Huh, I think my Thanksgiving was mild and fairly pleasant. For those who know my family, THIS is really quite impressive.
So instead, I leaned back and relaxed and listened to the stories pour in. There was the girl who meant to build a romantic fire for her boyfriend coming home from work, but didn't know how to open the flue. There was the girl who had to call 9-1-1 on her mom in Florida, for beating her grandma with the phone while talking to her here. Then came the golden egg.
CALLER: Well sir, this didn't happen TO me. I work in the Emergency Room, and we had this guy who came who'd been beaten up real bad by his dad and brothers.
DJ: Why did they beat him up.
CALLER: The guy apparently stole the cooked turkey from his momma's oven, snuck out the back, went to the local crack house, and traded it for crack.
A man traded turkey for crack?
Now, I shouldn't admit this, but there was one time in high school that a friend of mine and I were at a party and some guys asked if we wanted "some" handing a pipe to us. We thought it was weed and said yes. Thing is, the pipe was really funny looking and didn't smell like weed. Next thing I know, life feels like it's on fast forward and I learned later from my boyfriend that they were smoking crack. So yes, I accidentally smoked crack once. I didn't do well on it. I tried to drive and thought I was flying back and forth as I backed my car out from it's parallel parking spot. I couldn't stop talking. I was full of this freakish energy that I had no control over. But was I hungry? Never.
Now if someone called in saying they traded a turkey for weed, I could accept that a little better.
TURKEY THIEF: Dude, I brought you my momma's turkey! It's so buttery baked and good. Just like I'm gonna be once you give me my weed!
DEALER: Turkey! Dude, that's awwwwwwesome! I was just needing me a big ol' plate of munchy goodness! S-weeet! Dude, you wanna come in and share this mighty, fine bird and watch cartoons?
TURKEY THIEF: Totally!
But crack? No. Where have I moved to? This foreign land where a Thanksgiving entree will get you drugs? I was relaying this story to two of my old coworkers on email today, and was talking about wanting to visit. I wondered that if one could trade turkey for crack, could I trade a turkey for an airline ticket? Could I trade a beer for an oil change? And what about a nose job?
"Dr. Face-be-gone, I know I can't afford the five grand for a nose job, but what you don't see here is that in my backpack, I have a delicious bucket of crème Brule! You just need a torch to brown it!"
Now THIS is something to consider.
I was driving to work yesterday and heard the host of the local morning show I listen to, beg for gossip to spread amongst the airwaves. Now, I find this show entertaining, but I also get enraged WAY too often. There was the time a woman called to talk about a deer hitting her car, and after talking about how her husband hadn't brought home enough deer meat for the year, she told him, "That deer hit my car, now I'm going to eat it!" I got to listen to the gruesome details of them strangling this still living deer, then shoving it into their trunk. I longed for the days of Washington when a man was arrested for running over a possum intentionally.
Then there was the day Kerry didn't think well before speaking, and made the comment about if we don't work hard and do well in school, then we end up in Iraq. Now, you definitely knew that was a poor choice of words, but the backlash I heard from these local conservative bible thumpers was beyond anything they were bitching about. I was so pissed that I emailed the DJ ranting about what a bunch of loon listeners he had, and how disgusted I was with the people here being that I was from the liberal Pacific Northwest!
About two weeks ago a woman called in with a "dilemma". She said she'd always kept journals and now her husband is demanding to read them, thinking she is keeping something from him. The DJ asked callers to tell them what they think she should do. Most of the calls received were slow drawlin' men saying, "If she don' let him read her diareeee, I say she's a' cheatin' on him!" I screamed at the radio and called these people morons. I was so enraged when I got to work that I once again emailed the DJ. An hour later I heard my email being read and I shone with pride that I had FINALLY composed a calm, clear, letter that did not accuse anyone of hicks, but pointed out the therapeutic value of diaries.
I think I'm so bored here, that I'm looking to start trouble. I've become like the crazy, old woman always bitching and starting trouble, but to this poor DJ. So, this morning when I heard them asking for Thanksgiving gossip, I racked my brain. Well, my mom criticized my bangs and told my friend how much better I looked blonde, then pulled out a photo to prove it to her. No, that wouldn't do. I meant to remove the beater from the mixer, and had it lifted up and turned on the mixer thinking it was the release lever and potatoes flew all about the kitchen. Nooooo. That is lame.
Huh, I think my Thanksgiving was mild and fairly pleasant. For those who know my family, THIS is really quite impressive.
So instead, I leaned back and relaxed and listened to the stories pour in. There was the girl who meant to build a romantic fire for her boyfriend coming home from work, but didn't know how to open the flue. There was the girl who had to call 9-1-1 on her mom in Florida, for beating her grandma with the phone while talking to her here. Then came the golden egg.
CALLER: Well sir, this didn't happen TO me. I work in the Emergency Room, and we had this guy who came who'd been beaten up real bad by his dad and brothers.
DJ: Why did they beat him up.
CALLER: The guy apparently stole the cooked turkey from his momma's oven, snuck out the back, went to the local crack house, and traded it for crack.
A man traded turkey for crack?
Now, I shouldn't admit this, but there was one time in high school that a friend of mine and I were at a party and some guys asked if we wanted "some" handing a pipe to us. We thought it was weed and said yes. Thing is, the pipe was really funny looking and didn't smell like weed. Next thing I know, life feels like it's on fast forward and I learned later from my boyfriend that they were smoking crack. So yes, I accidentally smoked crack once. I didn't do well on it. I tried to drive and thought I was flying back and forth as I backed my car out from it's parallel parking spot. I couldn't stop talking. I was full of this freakish energy that I had no control over. But was I hungry? Never.
Now if someone called in saying they traded a turkey for weed, I could accept that a little better.
TURKEY THIEF: Dude, I brought you my momma's turkey! It's so buttery baked and good. Just like I'm gonna be once you give me my weed!
DEALER: Turkey! Dude, that's awwwwwwesome! I was just needing me a big ol' plate of munchy goodness! S-weeet! Dude, you wanna come in and share this mighty, fine bird and watch cartoons?
TURKEY THIEF: Totally!
But crack? No. Where have I moved to? This foreign land where a Thanksgiving entree will get you drugs? I was relaying this story to two of my old coworkers on email today, and was talking about wanting to visit. I wondered that if one could trade turkey for crack, could I trade a turkey for an airline ticket? Could I trade a beer for an oil change? And what about a nose job?
"Dr. Face-be-gone, I know I can't afford the five grand for a nose job, but what you don't see here is that in my backpack, I have a delicious bucket of crème Brule! You just need a torch to brown it!"
Now THIS is something to consider.
LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
I'm in a major funk and trying to snap out of it. Saturdayy was spent being lazy yesterday, after my sister rescheduled for me to come help her paint her office. I talked to some of my friends yesterday, which I think made the homesickness worse. I talked to Amy for a long time in the afternoon, then Elizabeth last night, then spoke to Tony. Tony was headed out to dinner with Amy and Jason, and he said they were heading to sushi.
"Sushi?" I cried. "Where are you going?"
"I Love Sushi," he responded.
"Ohhhhhhh. I want to go out for sushi. This place sucks."
"Well, I was calling you earlier because I was on my way here and I could talk, but we're leaving now."
"Okay. Oh! Will you order a spider roll and eat it for me?"
"Of course!"
"Oh, and will you order yellow tail nigiri for me too?"
"I will do that, Heather."
"Okay, thank you. Give everyone my love!"
"Okay, love you!"
We hung up and I laid on my bed and started crying. I wanted sushi, and I wanted my friends. Instead I got to nix my trip to the apartment gym because some couple was outside of it screaming, "Motherfucking this!" and "Motherfucking that!" I went back to the apartment and hunkered back in. Later I got to hear some woman tell her child to "Get in the motherfucking car" followed by a loud smack.
I laid back on my bed and cried again, wishing I had Dorothy's red shoes to click and be at I Love Sushi with some of my dear friends. Unfortunately I only have black slippers that will barely stay on my feet, yet alone click.
The funk continued today. My sister rescheduled the painting assistance needed at her house for later on in the week. I worked on composing old and new Chronicles to gather them for a project, and the funk continued.
Tonight I decided I needed to leave my place for a bit and go get some peppers at the grocery store, but decided to go to the one I really like near my office. I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and headed to Harris Teeter in my slippers. It felt good to be out and wander the store. I purchased a bag of groceries and left. On my way home I wanted a Diet Coke, so I stopped at the gas station by my place and that's where it happened.
I grabbed my Diet Coke, got into line and zoned out. Then I noticed the couple in front of me. They were an odd couple. He was much older and shorter than her and missing a tooth. She seemed to be in her early to mid-twenties with long, red hair in a ponytail. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think couples often look alike, so that just struck me right off the bat. I then notice something more. He was standing behind her, and being shorter than she, he was lifting his arms up to wrap around her shoulders hugging her. She had her hand on his and was leaning her head into him. They were both smiling and speaking Spanish softly to each other. Something glowed about them and I found myself staring.
They got to the counter and paid for their gas and then she asks the man if he'll check her lottery ticket. He starts telling her how the lady who works there won $200 the night before. She giggles and interprets to her man in Spanish. They both rub their hands together.
The man at the counter checks her ticket.
"You won three dollars ma'am!"
She screeches, then claps her hands together and tells her boyfriend. He hugs her like she won a million dollars. I was smiling and laughing and got all excited for her three dollars as well. She turned to me all smiling and clapping and I told her congratulations.
The man at the counter gave her the three dollars, and they shook it in the air like it was much more and they laughed and hugged and I couldn't stop smiling.
Love is contagious.
And though here I am back at my apartment homesick and sad, I am smiling at the thought of the odd couple who were so affectionate. He was so happy for her over three dollars, and it made me smile to know that love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and age, and that it isn't dead.
"Sushi?" I cried. "Where are you going?"
"I Love Sushi," he responded.
"Ohhhhhhh. I want to go out for sushi. This place sucks."
"Well, I was calling you earlier because I was on my way here and I could talk, but we're leaving now."
"Okay. Oh! Will you order a spider roll and eat it for me?"
"Of course!"
"Oh, and will you order yellow tail nigiri for me too?"
"I will do that, Heather."
"Okay, thank you. Give everyone my love!"
"Okay, love you!"
We hung up and I laid on my bed and started crying. I wanted sushi, and I wanted my friends. Instead I got to nix my trip to the apartment gym because some couple was outside of it screaming, "Motherfucking this!" and "Motherfucking that!" I went back to the apartment and hunkered back in. Later I got to hear some woman tell her child to "Get in the motherfucking car" followed by a loud smack.
I laid back on my bed and cried again, wishing I had Dorothy's red shoes to click and be at I Love Sushi with some of my dear friends. Unfortunately I only have black slippers that will barely stay on my feet, yet alone click.
The funk continued today. My sister rescheduled the painting assistance needed at her house for later on in the week. I worked on composing old and new Chronicles to gather them for a project, and the funk continued.
Tonight I decided I needed to leave my place for a bit and go get some peppers at the grocery store, but decided to go to the one I really like near my office. I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and headed to Harris Teeter in my slippers. It felt good to be out and wander the store. I purchased a bag of groceries and left. On my way home I wanted a Diet Coke, so I stopped at the gas station by my place and that's where it happened.
I grabbed my Diet Coke, got into line and zoned out. Then I noticed the couple in front of me. They were an odd couple. He was much older and shorter than her and missing a tooth. She seemed to be in her early to mid-twenties with long, red hair in a ponytail. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think couples often look alike, so that just struck me right off the bat. I then notice something more. He was standing behind her, and being shorter than she, he was lifting his arms up to wrap around her shoulders hugging her. She had her hand on his and was leaning her head into him. They were both smiling and speaking Spanish softly to each other. Something glowed about them and I found myself staring.
They got to the counter and paid for their gas and then she asks the man if he'll check her lottery ticket. He starts telling her how the lady who works there won $200 the night before. She giggles and interprets to her man in Spanish. They both rub their hands together.
The man at the counter checks her ticket.
"You won three dollars ma'am!"
She screeches, then claps her hands together and tells her boyfriend. He hugs her like she won a million dollars. I was smiling and laughing and got all excited for her three dollars as well. She turned to me all smiling and clapping and I told her congratulations.
The man at the counter gave her the three dollars, and they shook it in the air like it was much more and they laughed and hugged and I couldn't stop smiling.
Love is contagious.
And though here I am back at my apartment homesick and sad, I am smiling at the thought of the odd couple who were so affectionate. He was so happy for her over three dollars, and it made me smile to know that love comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and age, and that it isn't dead.
WHEN THE WINDOW GOES DOWN, SO DOES THE MIND
I love driving, particularly when the weather is warm, the windows down, the music playing. Yesterday was almost 80 degrees and beautiful. So of course the windows were down, the music playing, and then came the incidents.Read More
A YANKEE'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING NORTH CAROLINA
Well my friends, in five days I will have been in North Carolina for a full month. It's funny, as I feel like I've been here for five minutes, and for forever all at the same time. I haven't been out much since moving here, but have already learned some things that I would like to share with y'all in case you should decided to ever come visit me (hint, hint) or should thing get even crazier, even move here! Uh yeah, right. Don't worry I'm not getting my hopes up.
So with that, I introduce you to the Unofficial Guide to Surviving North Carolina. Read More
So with that, I introduce you to the Unofficial Guide to Surviving North Carolina. Read More
JUST TALK
As I sit here in my apartment on a rainy night, emotions are starting to hit me. Some about my recent move, others about life in general and I feel sad. I can't help but wonder if the non-stop rain back home has come to taunt me and make me think of what I left behind.
I'm doing okay here. I have half of my wonderful family here, a job that I love, and a place that I can afford, which are things I didn't really have back home. However, I am all of a sudden truly missing my friends. I'm recalling the times on a rainy night where I would hang out with one of the many wonderful people in my life, have a cozy dinner and watch Lost, or break open a nice bottle of wine and laugh with my friends while just talking about life in general.
I sit here tonight feeling very alone for the first time in a very long time, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not one who hates being alone. I love being with people, and love my time alone as well. I love laughter and talking, but I also love silence. Why is it that I'm sad then?
I don't know what it is is, but out of nowhere I feel like I'm missing something or someone that I've yet to know in order to even miss it. Does that make any sense at all? How can one miss what one doesn't have? Can one truly say, "God, I miss panang curry" when they've never had it? I don't know how to explain it, but so often in my life I feel this thing hovering about me that's pushing me to another place, another person, another task, but what is or who it is, I have no clue.
I firmly believe that the universe presents people, places and opportunities before us when we are supposed to jump into that vehicle and see where it takes us. This new experience happened like that, and I can't be sad that I'm traveling this path when it was so apparent that I was to do so. I just can't help thinking that there's another not far around the corner and it scares me, yet excites me. I wonder what this might be, or if it's just my wild imagination making up for boredom?
There are dreams and hopes that I have. I sometimes wonder if they will happen, or if they will just stay as dreams and hopes? I don't know, and I know that if I trip myself out on it I will miss the beauty of what is happening now.
I want to live and love and laugh and play and cry and work hard and travel and sleep on sheets that smell of Downy. And then I see that I am, but that thing hovers about me. That door I feel like I'm aware of, but can't quite find it.
I wonder where it will lead, and maybe if I can feel my way around, I'll find the way in?
I'm doing okay here. I have half of my wonderful family here, a job that I love, and a place that I can afford, which are things I didn't really have back home. However, I am all of a sudden truly missing my friends. I'm recalling the times on a rainy night where I would hang out with one of the many wonderful people in my life, have a cozy dinner and watch Lost, or break open a nice bottle of wine and laugh with my friends while just talking about life in general.
I sit here tonight feeling very alone for the first time in a very long time, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not one who hates being alone. I love being with people, and love my time alone as well. I love laughter and talking, but I also love silence. Why is it that I'm sad then?
I don't know what it is is, but out of nowhere I feel like I'm missing something or someone that I've yet to know in order to even miss it. Does that make any sense at all? How can one miss what one doesn't have? Can one truly say, "God, I miss panang curry" when they've never had it? I don't know how to explain it, but so often in my life I feel this thing hovering about me that's pushing me to another place, another person, another task, but what is or who it is, I have no clue.
I firmly believe that the universe presents people, places and opportunities before us when we are supposed to jump into that vehicle and see where it takes us. This new experience happened like that, and I can't be sad that I'm traveling this path when it was so apparent that I was to do so. I just can't help thinking that there's another not far around the corner and it scares me, yet excites me. I wonder what this might be, or if it's just my wild imagination making up for boredom?
There are dreams and hopes that I have. I sometimes wonder if they will happen, or if they will just stay as dreams and hopes? I don't know, and I know that if I trip myself out on it I will miss the beauty of what is happening now.
I want to live and love and laugh and play and cry and work hard and travel and sleep on sheets that smell of Downy. And then I see that I am, but that thing hovers about me. That door I feel like I'm aware of, but can't quite find it.
I wonder where it will lead, and maybe if I can feel my way around, I'll find the way in?
