HOW TO LOSE A GIRL IN FIVE SECONDS
It's funny how when I start to miss being in a relationship, something always seems to happen to quickly remind me of why I don't put myself out there anymore.
I got home this evening after finally breaking free of my prison (I waited to take my meds until I got to my friend's) and feeling sane for the first time in days. I had new music, hung with my good friend and his daughter, was no longer in pain, and rode a carousel. How is that not a good day? I pop in one of my new CDs. The song drifts on and I am falling in love with the music. Certain music touches me so powerfully that the listening becomes a lifetimes in itself...creation, love, loss, hope. I lay on the bed and sing along, smiling. Renewed hope for just plain ol' goodness consumes me. And then I checked my emails.
I have a couple new messages on My Space and open the one from my friend. The second one is from a stranger, but it doesn't look like spam. I open it and it reads as follows:
you are absolutely gorgeousssssss and seem like a very cool person...I just wanted to say hello....I hope you have a wonderful afternoon...take care and write back soon or I will have to give you a spanking :)
A spanking? You're going to SPANK me if I don't write back soon? Who the fuck IS this person? I go to his profile to witness this bad accident. He's a year older than me, though he looks ten years older, and lives in a neighboring town. He talks about being into sailing and water sports and so on. Then I notice under "Who I'd like to meet" he has video of some guy giving a single spank to this girl in a kitchen. What??? I then notice his "Groups" list many, many spanking groups including Spank-a-palooza. Well, my they've created a "a-palooza" for everything nowadays, haven't they? I note to myself that I really must start a Fart-A-Palooza, though think how no one will attend because of the odor.
I'm laughing my ass off at this point and then see that under "Movies" he has written, i enjoy mostly action action-adventure movies...i am a guy...however i do like movies that touch my heart..and i'm not ashamed to cry if emotions get uncontrollable. This is completely ridiculous and hysterical to me. Touch your heart? You mean your ass, don't you? I then go into his pictures. All seem normal until the one - there in blue and white lycra is a picture of his ass. Okay, that's it. I'm officially disturbed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm far from a prude. I can get my kink on with the rest of them. Spanking can be just fine, but I am NOT down with some stranger emailing me saying he's going to "spank me" if I don't email him back! That is just too much to me. I'm almost offended, and it takes a lot to offend me. And yes Isaac, I know you have gone up to women and said similar things yourself, but remember that you've been slapped for it too.
North Carolina is starting to creep me out with its men. Since moving here I get emails on My Space from local guys in their early 20's wanting to have sex. I don't get this? Does no one believe in letting fate take it's course? Does anyone wait to screw until they know someone? Maybe I am a prude now? Maybe I'm too old? Or maybe I just know I'm destined for more than the crap I used to give myself? So I will continue to delete creepy, random emails from the local boys. However, I have to email this guy back. I just can't take it. I write the following:
Len -
Thank you for the compliment. Please know that this will be the only email from me. You see, your warning of a spanking if I didn't email back, didn't fare well with me. I know you would have no way of knowing this, but I lost my precious family dog to a spanking incident when I was 10. He was a teacup poodle, very tiny bugger. I was in trouble for hitting my sister and was to be spanked as punishment. As my mother brought her hand down onto my rear, my little dog jumped onto my behind just in time for my mother to crush him. He DIED on my butt! DIED from a spanking! This ruined both my mother and myself for the rest of our lives. Every time someone even mentions a spanking, all I can see is little, blonde poodle curls flying through the air, in my head. Sometimes late at night I can still hear him squeal in pain. Sniffle.
I'm sorry. I know you couldn't know. It just...hurts. Good luck to you and your spanking thing...I pray no dogs ever get in your way.
-Heather
And yes Mom, I know I always have to get the last word in.
I got home this evening after finally breaking free of my prison (I waited to take my meds until I got to my friend's) and feeling sane for the first time in days. I had new music, hung with my good friend and his daughter, was no longer in pain, and rode a carousel. How is that not a good day? I pop in one of my new CDs. The song drifts on and I am falling in love with the music. Certain music touches me so powerfully that the listening becomes a lifetimes in itself...creation, love, loss, hope. I lay on the bed and sing along, smiling. Renewed hope for just plain ol' goodness consumes me. And then I checked my emails.
I have a couple new messages on My Space and open the one from my friend. The second one is from a stranger, but it doesn't look like spam. I open it and it reads as follows:
you are absolutely gorgeousssssss and seem like a very cool person...I just wanted to say hello....I hope you have a wonderful afternoon...take care and write back soon or I will have to give you a spanking :)
A spanking? You're going to SPANK me if I don't write back soon? Who the fuck IS this person? I go to his profile to witness this bad accident. He's a year older than me, though he looks ten years older, and lives in a neighboring town. He talks about being into sailing and water sports and so on. Then I notice under "Who I'd like to meet" he has video of some guy giving a single spank to this girl in a kitchen. What??? I then notice his "Groups" list many, many spanking groups including Spank-a-palooza. Well, my they've created a "a-palooza" for everything nowadays, haven't they? I note to myself that I really must start a Fart-A-Palooza, though think how no one will attend because of the odor.
I'm laughing my ass off at this point and then see that under "Movies" he has written, i enjoy mostly action action-adventure movies...i am a guy...however i do like movies that touch my heart..and i'm not ashamed to cry if emotions get uncontrollable. This is completely ridiculous and hysterical to me. Touch your heart? You mean your ass, don't you? I then go into his pictures. All seem normal until the one - there in blue and white lycra is a picture of his ass. Okay, that's it. I'm officially disturbed.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm far from a prude. I can get my kink on with the rest of them. Spanking can be just fine, but I am NOT down with some stranger emailing me saying he's going to "spank me" if I don't email him back! That is just too much to me. I'm almost offended, and it takes a lot to offend me. And yes Isaac, I know you have gone up to women and said similar things yourself, but remember that you've been slapped for it too.
North Carolina is starting to creep me out with its men. Since moving here I get emails on My Space from local guys in their early 20's wanting to have sex. I don't get this? Does no one believe in letting fate take it's course? Does anyone wait to screw until they know someone? Maybe I am a prude now? Maybe I'm too old? Or maybe I just know I'm destined for more than the crap I used to give myself? So I will continue to delete creepy, random emails from the local boys. However, I have to email this guy back. I just can't take it. I write the following:
Len -
Thank you for the compliment. Please know that this will be the only email from me. You see, your warning of a spanking if I didn't email back, didn't fare well with me. I know you would have no way of knowing this, but I lost my precious family dog to a spanking incident when I was 10. He was a teacup poodle, very tiny bugger. I was in trouble for hitting my sister and was to be spanked as punishment. As my mother brought her hand down onto my rear, my little dog jumped onto my behind just in time for my mother to crush him. He DIED on my butt! DIED from a spanking! This ruined both my mother and myself for the rest of our lives. Every time someone even mentions a spanking, all I can see is little, blonde poodle curls flying through the air, in my head. Sometimes late at night I can still hear him squeal in pain. Sniffle.
I'm sorry. I know you couldn't know. It just...hurts. Good luck to you and your spanking thing...I pray no dogs ever get in your way.
-Heather
And yes Mom, I know I always have to get the last word in.
HEATHER'S PRISON DIARY - DAYS 1 & 2
I am on Day 3 of my pneumonia prison. I can't take it much more! Cabin fever has taken over, and it doesn't help I'm high on this stupid medicine I have to take. Do you know what it's like to be high trapped alone in your apartment with two cats and a baby crying next door? It's hell! I'd jump off my balcony, but I don't think it's high enough to kill me. Plus the medicine has made me constipated, and I can't stand the thought of dying with full bowels. I hear they release at the end. I'd rather jump after a burly poo so I will leave little mess.
I've been emailing some friends in this medicated state and Eylin encouraged me to write after she was cracking up at my emails, which to be honest, I can't quite remember what I wrote. So I figure, why not document this debacle? Buckle up folks, it's a warped ride through my mind on this stuff.
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I've been emailing some friends in this medicated state and Eylin encouraged me to write after she was cracking up at my emails, which to be honest, I can't quite remember what I wrote. So I figure, why not document this debacle? Buckle up folks, it's a warped ride through my mind on this stuff.
Read More
SLUTLONKA THE SINFUL SQUIRREL SAYS NO TO SEX
So I continue my days of my pre-midlife crisis, and continue to try to pull myself out of this funk I've been in. I know it will pass...the low times always do. However, something happened this morning that just funkified me more until a bright, shining gift from a friend was given to me.
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
Read More
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
Read More
WITH AGE COMES DITZDOM
I thought I was done writing for the night, but then something strange happened. I went to lie down on my bed and glanced at my nightstand. Lying next to my candle, lamp, books, glass flower, picture of my niece, and a large tub of Vaseline (I SWEAR it's for my mouth lips), lay a fork. What the hell? Where did this come from? I'm totally confused. I retrace my steps tonight, but alas I don't remember eating anything in the bedroom, yet alone using a fork for a bookmark. Did I bring this in here as a weapon while my helmet-haired neighbor pounded on my door the other night? He's been trying to invite himself up to drink some of his sherry, and is freaking me out. No, I would've brought in a knife, not a fork.
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ATTACK OF THE UTERINE MINIONS
Before I start, let me preface this by saying this is NOT meant to be a pity party, just a purge. I'm all good.
The months prior to turning 25, I freaked out. I was going to be 30 in five years, and this checklist seemed to materialize in my brain at all times. What had I done with my life? I was happy. I had moved back from Seattle that year after six months of living in Phoenix that changed me for so much good. I had a decent job, and was living in an inexpensive, old apartment in West Seattle with a view of Vashon Island, the Sound and the Olympic mountains, with my best friend. Life was spontaneous, fun, and full of adventure. I started dating someone serious, and then my impending 25th ran me over like a freight train. I was going to be 30 in five years! I needed to get my shit in gear and be the adult I'd planned to be, or so my tiny brain thought.
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The months prior to turning 25, I freaked out. I was going to be 30 in five years, and this checklist seemed to materialize in my brain at all times. What had I done with my life? I was happy. I had moved back from Seattle that year after six months of living in Phoenix that changed me for so much good. I had a decent job, and was living in an inexpensive, old apartment in West Seattle with a view of Vashon Island, the Sound and the Olympic mountains, with my best friend. Life was spontaneous, fun, and full of adventure. I started dating someone serious, and then my impending 25th ran me over like a freight train. I was going to be 30 in five years! I needed to get my shit in gear and be the adult I'd planned to be, or so my tiny brain thought.
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