SLUTLONKA THE SINFUL SQUIRREL SAYS NO TO SEX
So I continue my days of my pre-midlife crisis, and continue to try to pull myself out of this funk I've been in. I know it will pass...the low times always do. However, something happened this morning that just funkified me more until a bright, shining gift from a friend was given to me.
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
Read More
I was driving back from the post office this morning when it happened. As I rounded the corner I saw it...a crazed squirrel running towards my car. Now, I am a person that will stop in the road and honk at birds that haven't flown away in time; will swerve as a dog gets too close to the road; or screech to a stop as deer runs out in front of me. I know my maneuvers aren't really safe for other drivers, but I'm not thinking this as I'm about to crush some poor animal. Only twice has this not worked.
The first time I hit a squirrel late one night while in a car full of friends. I freaked out, stopped and made everyone get out to look for it. Of course the drunken assholes were picking up pinecones shouting, "I found it!" The second time was when I was around 20 and a cat ran out in front of me as I pulled out of my dad's driveway. I felt I'd run over it, but when I stopped nothing was there. I KNEW I'd hit it and was sobbing as I had for the squirrel. Then came the kicker. The next day "Missing Cat" posters were all over the neighborhood. I was so devastated I called in sick to work and laid in bed sobbing about it and asked my dad to please call our neighbor to let her know I killed her cat. She was very kind about it.
I'd managed to go almost 14 years and then today it all ended. As that squirrel charged me I knew there was nothing I could do because my speed had me passing beside it as it ran. Even if I had slammed on my brakes, it still would have hit the side of my car, which is what happened. I heard the tiny "thunk" that still haunts me later in the day. I looked in my rearview mirror and this is what killed me. It was on the side of the road doing backwards flips in the same spot. It was having some sort of rodent seizure! It then ran a bit back into the yard and then I couldn't see it. The tears poured out as I wailed, "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry I killed you!"
I got back to the office, still sobbing and cried the story to my mom who tried to comfort me with "Well, he's in squirrel heaven now." Uh mom, I'm not four. He's dead. I don't know where his tiny soul went, but I killed him. I couldn't stop crying about it. I'm sure my funk and my period made it much worse, but maybe not. I don't do well with death, particularly if I'm the executioner.
A couple of hours passed and I went to lunch, driving the same road. And then I saw it. Poor little guy had managed to crawl to the other side of the road and then croaked. What got to me was how he was positioned. And know this is NOT an exaggeration at all. He was lying on his back, his little rig mortised legs sticking straight out. One of his arms was clutching at his chest, and the other was reaching skyward like it was trying to get to the light. Yes, my unfortunate victim...go to the light. The tears started up again and I called my mom and told her. She later went out to lunch and saw the body. Upon returning said to me, "Well, you're right. He was reaching up to the sky. He found Jesus."
I was all bummed and teary-eyed the remainder of the day and then my friend, Marcos sent me the gift of laughter via email. His friend had forwarded him a link to the book "Latawyna the Naughty Horse Learns to Say No to Drugs", which can be read at:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2457332.
I almost peed! My tears turned to laughter and I was grateful for Marco even though he said I looked homeless when we worked together. To cheer myself up from my unintended squirrel slaughter today, I decided to write what we can say is a companion book to Latawyna. With that, I give you my story.
Read More
