The Heather Chronicles

Okay kids, the "Comments" feature is turned back on. I was having spam attacks quite often, which is why I disabled it. I'll give it another go 'round though.

We all have physical characteristics that are attractive to us. Some people are butt people. We of course have a lot of boob men out there. I know a lot of women who like strong arms in a man. And almost everyone I know says a nice smile can melt them. Me? I'm an eye person. The color doesn't matter, but they have to be striking in some way and almost always have dark, thick eyebrows. I've been teased about this before, where I've had the hots for near unibrows, but no...there's at least got to be a tiny bit of skin so they don't resemble Bert from Sesame Street. But I'll tell yah, he could have been hot if they'd been two eyebrows instead of one. Forget the jaundiced skin! The eyes could have made him the sex symbol of Sesame Street!

Most of my exes have had the thick, dark eyebrows. Most of my celebrity crushes had the thick, dark eyebrows that my friends just shook their head at. Maybe some of it is because I don't have thick, distinct eyebrows. They're really light and not full at all. Makeup artists always go to town on my eyebrows saying how I need to fill them in, and it makes a huge difference when they do! I wonder if I'm attracted to what I lack? Dark hair, thick eyebrows, a penis... Why do I bring all this up? Because my eyebrow fetish has now given me a disturbing celebrity attraction that I am totally ashamed of...Daniel Radcliffe a.k.a. Harry Potter. And yes, I know. He just turned 18. And no, it's not because he plays Harry Potter. I'm not that geeked out on the series.

I hear you laughing.

Now, mind you, this just started a few months ago so I'm not some pervert who's carried this around for years. It started when one of my gay boys called to tell me Daniel Radcliffe was in Equus. I used to work for a theatre and was familiar with this play. We in fact had a wire horse head from when they'd produced this years prior, sitting in the room across from my office. The thing that I think Equus is most famous for is that it has male nudity in it.

"He's NUDE, Heather! Harry Potter's NUDE!" cried my friend.

I crumpled my nose. "That's gross! He's like 17!"

"No! You have to see the pictures!!!" He then gave me the website.

I went online ready to feel sick that I was checking out Harry Potter naked. As the picture pulled up I gasped! Harry Potter got hot! The pictures had a decent-sized circle covering his wanker, but showed the rest of him. Granted, his body was not the gangly one I'd expected, it was quite cut, but that is not what was so hot. It was for one that he'd cut his hair. Between that and no glasses, you could SEE his face! And there, newly revealed were his striking eyes under the thick, dark eyebrows I have a weakness for.

"Oh my god, I feel dirty," I said to myself. This was not right. I don't know which was worse, that I was thinking this almost-legal guy was hot, or that I realized what made it dirty was that I was old enough to be considered the newfound term "Cougar" over this? When I lived in Flagstaff I was 29-30. My friends made fun of me, and a few time was called "Mrs. Robinson", because I was hooking up with guys who I found out were 21. I once asked to see a guy's license before we left a party together to ensure he was indeed his age. It wasn't intentional! I was in a college town, and was hanging out with younger people. Most of my friends are younger than me and that's whom I meet. I have not dated someone older than myself, with the exception of one guy, in 11 years. Oh my god, that is scary. But now this "Cougar" term? It grosses me out, like older women stalking younger men, hiding in the bushes for them as they leave the bars and then ripping their throat out...it's not a pleasant term.

I confessed my new sin to only a handful of friends who would not get scared and turn me in to the show "Catch a Predator." They laughed at me and some grossed out. My gay boys understood, but few of the girls didn't. I felt comfort when I recently learned that another friend in her mid-20's thought he was hot too. She doesn't know I know this, but it's made its way back to me.

I didn't obsess about this, it just grossed me out and I let it go...until I saw the fifth Harry Potter movie. He unfortunately looked the same and I reminded myself that this was a seventeen-year old. But he was ABOUT to turn 18. Hell, they had an online countdown for when the Olsen twins were going to be legal. Why was this so bad? Gross Heather! Gross!

So the movie went on and then came the part where sweaty Harry is thrashing around having visions of Voldemort in his head. He kept making these noises, and arching his back, and....

"I bet that's what he looks like when he gets a blow job."

I did not think that. I did NOT think that! I shook my head to make the thought go away. The scene changes, but returns later in the movie. He is once again thrashing his head back and forth, moaning and arching his back.

"I bet that's what he look like when he gets a blow job!"

I looked over to make sure some psychic police had not sent Chris Robinson from Dateline to sit next to me in the movie theater. Just look down. Don't watch. Do not look at Sweaty Potter. Oh my god, what is wrong with me? I cursed myself for taking my stupid "I'm going to take a year of celibacy" that snowballed into two and a half. I used to always have sex and now I'm unintentionally celibate? THIS is what was causing these dirty thoughts I'm sure. If you starve someone long enough they'll drink their pee and eat maggots! This is surely what was happening.

I left the movie feeling quite disturbed at my inner monologue during the film. I scolded myself and told Eylin what had happened. She made it worse saying she was sceeved out when he kissed Cho in the film. I felt grateful that the kissing scene didn't promote any dirty thoughts, but the thrashing, sweaty part? Bad Cougar. Bad! Was there a support group for this? It's not like this about 18-year old men. It's this damned actor who happens to have just become legal! It's grossing me out! Maybe it's just the dark hair and dark eyebrows? Maybe it's just the first time I've seen that since I moved to the South? The first time I've seen this deadly combo since moving here. Yes! That HAD to be it. So with that I prayed for Acopecia towards Daniel Radcliffe.

It's interesting that once you re-open yourself to adventure, that adventure finds you. As you know from my last blog, I was begging for mini-adventures to be sent to me to complete. I've received three so far, some had two adventures. I love my future missions! I decided to one per week, but between a (finally) social weekend and being given the last Harry Potter book, I've been consumed.

RANTINGS OF THE UNIVERSE THROUGH A HAWAIIAN SHIRT
Saturday night I went out with some friends to Winston-Salem, then ran into some other friends while there. It felt good to be out and about, talking and laughing and enjoying the beautiful night. My friends and I went to a wine bar and had some appetizers. In my few days of meltdown, I slipped with my month of not smoking, and so I walked out front of restaurant to have a cigarette. The bouncer came up to me and said, "You know you can smoke inside, right? It IS Winston-Salem." I told him I knew, but I preferred to be outside.

So I stood there for only a moment before it happened.

Now before I continue with what happened, I must tell you that my geographical schizophrenia has returned. I'd decided to move to Charlotte in October. I then start pondering the idea of moving to a new state, a new adventure. I even emailed Desiree in NYC for details on living there and costs. Then I started to really, really miss Seattle, but I always run home whenever someplace or someone leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Wait, not literally...you know what I mean. Anyways, after a lot of sobbing and opening up to some close friends about this geographical insanity issue I have, I decided to just sit still and save until I could leave. I mean, honestly, I don't need to worry about this when I can't afford to move at the moment. I'm trying to learn to take things one item at a time.

So here I am feeling that I just want to stay here for now, when I heard him yell...
(DOY = Drunk Old Yuppie)

DOY: HEY! Get out! Get out of the state now! Run!
ME: What? Me?

I see a man in a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts sitting at a patio table having dinner. His eyes are wide and he shouts at me.

DOY: Yes! You're not from here, are you?
ME: No. I'm from Seattle. I've been out since October.
DOY: Are you single?
ME: Yes.
DOY: Then you're REALLY screwed! There's no hope for us single people. I'll tell yah, the Southern women out here are crazier than chicken on shit! I can't compete with Oxycontin! I can't compete with crack!
ME: True.
DOY: Move! Move now! Get out! This place will eat you alive. It will suck out your soul!
ME: Hey, this town is better than High Point! I agree with you on some level though. I'm actually thinking of moving to Charlotte.
DOY: No! Don't go there! This whole state is cursed. Get out of the state! FACT: North Carolina has the second worse water quality in the country. FACT: North Carolina has some of the worst air quality in the country. If the people and the life don't kill you, the water and air will! I'm from Phoenix and I came here four years ago (he already has the accent) and nothing but bad things have happened to me! I broke three vertebrae in my back! My fiancé died! Everything has gone wrong since I've been here!
ME: Why are you still here then?
DOY: (his voice drops to a murmur) It's a long story and I'm helping out my brother and such. I'll get out once he's taken care of. (shouting again) But YOU! Save yourself while you can!
ME: I need to go back in now.
DOY: I'm Greg.
ME: (Shaking his hand) I'm Heather.
DOY: Heather, good luck to you. I hope you get out in time.

I got back to the table, pale faced and freaked out. Eylin immediately asked what was wrong. I told them all what had just happened. Before I could say more, Eylin was all "It's NOT a sign Heather! He's just crazy!" I was like, "But how did he know?" It was SO frickin' weird!"

This shook me up a bit. It was creepy. Did the universe posses this drunk, older yuppie to tell me what to do? I still feel a bit haunted by this.

ACCIO BOOB!
Money's been tight, but for good reasons. Unfortunately it's tight in the midst of the release of the final Harry Potter book. Yes, I know. I am a totally Harry Potter nerd. I was so bummed that I couldn't dive into it immediately upon its release, but life is about learning patience, right? On Tuesday, my wonderful mother surprised me with the final book, a bag of Bernie Botts Every Flavor Beans (we ate dirt, earthworm, soap and other strange-flavored bean, running to the garbage to gag and spit), and a bottle of wine. I was SO happy! The simplest things can sometimes be the greatest gifts.

I rushed home after work and read for the majority of the next 6-1/2 hours. The next day I worked through my lunch to leave early to read more. By the 7th hour I was engrossed and exhausted. My cats were imitating cow moos and running around spastically, disturbing my concentration. I decided to go outside on my balcony to read for some quiet. I was wearing this loose, cotton nightie that is the only comfortable thing in this humidity. It's got a few buttons on the front, but they never hold. I wasn’t worried about it though. I grabbed my robe, but left it open. For the next hour I sat outside under my porch light engrossed in the book, listening to the choir of cicadas.

Something felt weird all of a sudden. Nothing had just happened, but it was a realization that something had not been right for a while. I looked around, nothing. Then I looked down and gasped! My left boob was completely exposed!!! Oh my god! How long has it been out? My nightgown had slipped down over my shoulder and the buttons weren't holding, so my boob had slipped out unnoticed. I quickly pulled my nightie over it and put it back to bed. Thank god no one was out in my parking lot! My damned porch light was like a spotlight on it! I think it's Harry Potter! "Accio boob!"

ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS
After nine months here, I don't understand why I'm so shocked at some of the oddities I see in this strange town. It's actually been quite some time since I've seen anything like the puppet man or the apartment resident that peed outside while watching me. I miss these white trash surprises! Well, that all changed today.

I was driving back from my lunch break when cars started to drive very slowly. This is nothing unusual since no one here seems to know how to actually reach the speed limit. The difference with this was that I noticed cars ahead veering around something. Then I saw him. Up ahead was a man who appeared to be in his sixties, in a wife beater and shorts, riding his ride-on lawn mower in the street. "What the fuck?" I whispered. I then saw him pull into the convenience store, grab his wallet and head inside. Who does this? When did ride-on lawn mowers become street legal? When I later told my sister about it, it didn't faze her! She informed me she'd seen this quite a few times around here.

So I continued down the two-lane road, getting closer to my office when a head popped out of a ditch next to the road. Oh shit there's a dog there! The head didn't look like a dog though. Is it a deer? A silvery baby deer? In that moment as I approached it, the animal jumped onto the road in the lane I was in. It was not a dog, nor a deer. It was a pygmy goat. I saw two other pygmy goats eating grass in the ditch the first had just jumped out of. "Nooooooooooo!" I slammed on my brakes and swerved. I know. I know. Everyone says not to do this, but after having hit and killed a squirrel last month, I could not hit this goat. And by the way, who hits a goat? Seriously! Have you ever met someone who hits a pygmy goat? I managed not to hit it and watched the people behind me swerve around the tiny animal too.

The last of my driving adventures happened on my way home. I was almost home and was approaching the strip club marking the back road I take to my apartment. I waited in the suicide lane to make a left as a flurry of cars blocked me. Finally a break opened up and I turned behind the old van that had just turned coming from the opposite direction. Once again we were going very slow. I growled, then noticed something didn't look right. I lean forward and drove closer to the line so I could see what it was. The driver’s side door was open and something was hanging out! A leg! It's a leg! In a brace! This dumb ass had his left leg in a brace, and whether it be that he felt it was too cramped in there, or his brace pushed the door open, I wasn't sure. Either way, the man continued to drive with his leg brace hanging out until he finally pulled over and gimped out of his van.

I shook my head. It's like a fucking trashy amusement park! And then I smiled.

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged. Things have not been the greatest to say the least. I won't get into details, but I need to get out of this funk.

I dragged myself home tonight and laid here numb. I needed something happy. I needed to laugh. So with that I downloaded the two episodes of "The Office" that I had missed last season. The first one made me smile and then came the second one - Beach Day. I was laughing hysterically as I watched Ed Helms stuck floating on the lake in a Sumo suit. I almost peed myself and it felt so good.

My mind floated to happier times... I thought of the time at my work Christmas party one year when we had Sumo wrestling, and my dear friend Amy Hargett Sumoed my ass down. The look on her face and feeling like a turtle on its back was so funny to me that I couldn't stop laughing and I peed my pants...in the Sumo suit. Thing is, I was too ashamed and didn't tell anyone and watched as others went into the suit...possibly wrestling in my urine.

I miss the strange misadventures life seemed to dish out all the time until I moved here. Sure I see odd things, but it's like since moving to North Carolina I've been benched during the game. I typically don't have to find it. It usually finds me. I'm tired of waiting for my turn in the game here. I'm fucking bored and going insane here. I know I want to move - where? I'm not sure yet, but out of state. Anways, until I can afford to leave I've decided I need to make some fun.

I need to get out. I need to have something creative happening, and I need your help. My brain is so fried and numb from what's been happening I can't even come up with anything. So here's where my blog gets interactive and where you can try to make me look like an ass should you choose. I am asking that you each email me an assignment. Send me on an adventure, something that you think could lead to a good story. Nothing like "Go see a movie." Or "Go to the museum." Be creative, but somewhat CLEAN! I'm not flashing my boobs or pooping on someone's doorstep.

Each week I will choose one of the emails, complete my task, then write about it. Yes dear friends, I get to be your puppet. Since the only two people I know in NC don't live super close I don't necessarily have partners in crime. If it's a solo mission, so be it. So send me your instructed adventures and I will let you know what happens! If you don't have my personal email, you can send them to heather@heatherchronicles.com.

Be kind my Jedi friends.