ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART START FONDLING
There are many things I want in life. I want to write a book. I want to lose ten more pounds. I want a nose job. I want the skin I had when I was 20, minus the pimples. I want to teach children the Ewok Song I know by heart, as everyone should learn the Ewok Song. I want to buy roller skates and skate around alone at a roller rink to the song "Xanadu". I want to find that perfect hair product that will make my Southern afro tame down and be silky smooth. I want to live in a place full of life and arts and culture with lots to do, yet you walk into the grocery store to buy yet another Lean Cuisine and the grocer knows your name..."Hey Heather!" I want to get this dried yogurt off the "L" key without having LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL typed out all over the place. And of course I want love again.
While many people likely don't want a lot of the things I want, I'm sure everyone wants love. Now don't get me wrong, I have lots of love in my life from friends and family, but I want to be IN love again. I have moments where I miss it, but haven't had a strong desire for it in a very long time. Very recently I have though. I'm not going to pine for it, settle for it, or look for it though. In this world of everyone hitting the bars or going online trying to find the person they're to wake up with every morning, I'm still a believer in the hippy dippy train of thought of fate or destiny. I don't believe everyone has one soulmate, but that we all have many soulmates. Various people who are perfect for us depending upon which phase of our life we meet them in. So while I know I'm not going to meet one of those people sitting at home, or even living in smallish town, North Carolina, I'm not too worried about it right now. I just feel like when that pops into my life I'm going to okay with it finally.
Finally, you ask? Yes, finally. It's not to say that I've never been ready for it. I've been in love a few times, but I haven't wanted to be for a few years now. Heartbreak of course puts up walls whether we realize it or not. I think I'm starting to accept that I pretty much encased myself in my own well of sorts. The ill-fated one night stand I claim to have set off my celibacy streak was just an excuse to put the walls into motion. While I think that it was good for me to take my year off from men and take a look at why I was on the verge of jumping back into my past promiscuity, it also was a way to shelter myself from getting hurt again. Nothing new, nothing unique or anything. We all do that on some level or another.
It was a good first year and I came to grips with certain things that needed gripping, but then a year came and went and I didn't. I went out on a date and hooked up with the guy, which is more than I'd done in a year, but I didn't sleep with him though he wanted to. A few months later I got together with a guy while camping, and once again the opportunity came for sex, but I declined. I didn't want to revert back to my old patterns. I all of a sudden felt hokey and realized I wanted sex to be part of something more. I didn't want to wait for love, but wanted to at least care about the guy. Where was this coming from? Ever since I was 16 and had given up on the romanticism of sex, I didn't give a shit. Now what had happened? Oh my god...I'd somehow become prepubscent in my views on sex!!!
Another year passed and now I'm approaching two and a half years. I'm back at square one since the camping hook up...no sex, no hooking up, no kissing, nothing for over a year now. It's grown quite ridiculous and I find myself wondering what it's like to even kiss someone again? I've discussed this with a couple of friends, guys and girls, and they're like, "Just go out and get some! Just do it!" I used to do that too! Just go out one night with that intention, and it would happen. We do control our own destiny to a point. Part of me thinks they're right, as I became plagued with sex dreams and even dreamt of flying penises one night, which to be honest really distrubed me. Problem is I will go out now and it won't happen. I think I've hit my expiration date. I've officially become sour milk. Yet I know in all honesty my heart isn't into that when I go out anymore. I don't desire sneeking out before the guy wakes up.
I decided to start out slow and try to flirt. I've forgotten how though. What happens instead is I just act like myself and am friendly. I start chatting away with whomever, guys or girls, forgetting I'm supposed to practice flirting. I then end up laughing with them, having fun and forgetting my purpose of practicing. A week or two ago I was at the gas station filling up and noticed a cute guy standing near the door of the store. I could only see his face because my car was blocking the view of the rest of him.
"Okay Heather, make eyes! Make eyes!" So I did. He stared back. I looked down and looked back up and smiled at him and then looked down again. When I looked back up he was gone.
"Excuse me..." He was standing behind me now. "Do you have any spare change?" I looked at him in his filth covered clothes and gasped! Oh my god, I was eye flirting with a homeless man! I called Eylin on my way home to inform her of my fuck up. I was done. I can't even make eyes right!
So I once again give up and tell myself to just stop. Let things happen as they're supposed to. We see what happens when I put effort into it. So I go back to accepting the celibacy year that has unintentionally snowballed into much longer. Back to wanting to wanting sex to be a part of something more than a casual hookup. Back to the sex dreams, which have unfortunately become pure in themselves, the most recent one involved being dry humped.
I know it will happen at some point. I know there will be love again someday too. Until then, I will be patient, enjoy life, and wear my wrist brace because my carpal tunnel is inflamed from taking care of business myself.
While many people likely don't want a lot of the things I want, I'm sure everyone wants love. Now don't get me wrong, I have lots of love in my life from friends and family, but I want to be IN love again. I have moments where I miss it, but haven't had a strong desire for it in a very long time. Very recently I have though. I'm not going to pine for it, settle for it, or look for it though. In this world of everyone hitting the bars or going online trying to find the person they're to wake up with every morning, I'm still a believer in the hippy dippy train of thought of fate or destiny. I don't believe everyone has one soulmate, but that we all have many soulmates. Various people who are perfect for us depending upon which phase of our life we meet them in. So while I know I'm not going to meet one of those people sitting at home, or even living in smallish town, North Carolina, I'm not too worried about it right now. I just feel like when that pops into my life I'm going to okay with it finally.
Finally, you ask? Yes, finally. It's not to say that I've never been ready for it. I've been in love a few times, but I haven't wanted to be for a few years now. Heartbreak of course puts up walls whether we realize it or not. I think I'm starting to accept that I pretty much encased myself in my own well of sorts. The ill-fated one night stand I claim to have set off my celibacy streak was just an excuse to put the walls into motion. While I think that it was good for me to take my year off from men and take a look at why I was on the verge of jumping back into my past promiscuity, it also was a way to shelter myself from getting hurt again. Nothing new, nothing unique or anything. We all do that on some level or another.
It was a good first year and I came to grips with certain things that needed gripping, but then a year came and went and I didn't. I went out on a date and hooked up with the guy, which is more than I'd done in a year, but I didn't sleep with him though he wanted to. A few months later I got together with a guy while camping, and once again the opportunity came for sex, but I declined. I didn't want to revert back to my old patterns. I all of a sudden felt hokey and realized I wanted sex to be part of something more. I didn't want to wait for love, but wanted to at least care about the guy. Where was this coming from? Ever since I was 16 and had given up on the romanticism of sex, I didn't give a shit. Now what had happened? Oh my god...I'd somehow become prepubscent in my views on sex!!!
Another year passed and now I'm approaching two and a half years. I'm back at square one since the camping hook up...no sex, no hooking up, no kissing, nothing for over a year now. It's grown quite ridiculous and I find myself wondering what it's like to even kiss someone again? I've discussed this with a couple of friends, guys and girls, and they're like, "Just go out and get some! Just do it!" I used to do that too! Just go out one night with that intention, and it would happen. We do control our own destiny to a point. Part of me thinks they're right, as I became plagued with sex dreams and even dreamt of flying penises one night, which to be honest really distrubed me. Problem is I will go out now and it won't happen. I think I've hit my expiration date. I've officially become sour milk. Yet I know in all honesty my heart isn't into that when I go out anymore. I don't desire sneeking out before the guy wakes up.
I decided to start out slow and try to flirt. I've forgotten how though. What happens instead is I just act like myself and am friendly. I start chatting away with whomever, guys or girls, forgetting I'm supposed to practice flirting. I then end up laughing with them, having fun and forgetting my purpose of practicing. A week or two ago I was at the gas station filling up and noticed a cute guy standing near the door of the store. I could only see his face because my car was blocking the view of the rest of him.
"Okay Heather, make eyes! Make eyes!" So I did. He stared back. I looked down and looked back up and smiled at him and then looked down again. When I looked back up he was gone.
"Excuse me..." He was standing behind me now. "Do you have any spare change?" I looked at him in his filth covered clothes and gasped! Oh my god, I was eye flirting with a homeless man! I called Eylin on my way home to inform her of my fuck up. I was done. I can't even make eyes right!
So I once again give up and tell myself to just stop. Let things happen as they're supposed to. We see what happens when I put effort into it. So I go back to accepting the celibacy year that has unintentionally snowballed into much longer. Back to wanting to wanting sex to be a part of something more than a casual hookup. Back to the sex dreams, which have unfortunately become pure in themselves, the most recent one involved being dry humped.
I know it will happen at some point. I know there will be love again someday too. Until then, I will be patient, enjoy life, and wear my wrist brace because my carpal tunnel is inflamed from taking care of business myself.
