DAZED AND ABUSED
I hate to even say this, because at this point in life I know the reaction I get, but I have quit smoking...this time I want it to be for good. I know. I know. You are rolling your eyes, right? I don't blame you. I know I have quit many times before. Once I quit for a year and a half. Once for nine months. There were a couple of two to three month stints; a handful of one month quits; and more one to two week quits than I can count. What is the difference this time? I turned 35 and am freaking out. It is time to get my shit together before I rot inside and body parts start to fall off.
My goals with this strange thing called 35? Get fit, healthy and happy. I'm eating better, am back at the gym, have a lost a lot of weight since I moved here, have been working on readjusting my attitude and staying peaceful, and am trying to do things that make me laugh more. What's left? The smoking. Damn the smoking!!! The smoking MUST go. I am running out of time before it becomes too late. My original idea was to quit on my birthday so that I never smoked while 35. Thing is, I knew I was going out the following night and there would be smoking and drinking, so it would have to be delayed until Sunday. And Sunday it was.
Many of you have been around me when I've quit in the past. I vow to do things differently this time. No angry outbursts. No crying over stupid things like the store being out of a particular pop. No hermiting to avoid social situations. And I'm going to attempt to stay focused and alert. No living in a daze and forgetting how to spell my name again. The game plan? I'm not sure, but I'm trying to figure it out along the way. And while I can't control my thoughts and emotions through this challenge, I can control what I let out. This time I vow to stay optimistic, not yell at people, and cry as little as possible...at least in front of people. Am I making it so far? Read on to find out!
NICOTINE DIARY
DAY 1 - Sunday
Wake up. I miss cigarettes. I smell last night's cigarettes on me and decide maybe I don't. I realize as a new nonsmoker, I will no longer stink. Yay! Have coffee and nicotine lozenge. Spend day cleaning like crazy to keep hands busy. I realize it's not so bad. I've done SO many one-dayers. I can handle this. It's now the afternoon and I go to the gym and do elliptical. Come home and work out abs and arms for another hour. Take lozenge. Take a shower and wash last night's smoke and today's sweat off of me. Go to dinner at mom's. I stick with small portions for fear I will gain weight from not smoking. It's way too easy to turn to food instead of smokes. I stay pretty quiet and let the family do most of the talking. I am really tired and just want to go to bed. Go home and sleep for nine hours.
DAY 2 - Monday
Woo-hoo! I made it through my first day. Work will be fine. I often go through my entire workday without smoking. It's after 5 that I have to worry about. Get to work and have coffee and lozenge. Go to the gym at lunch. I can already tell a difference in my workout. I'm not coughing while I do my cardio. This is great! Go back to work and get lots done. Work is over and I'm scared to leave and I want pizza. I fight with myself in my head and compromise on a Lean Cuisine pizza. I stop at the new Wal-Mart by my house. I am SO anti-Wal-Mart, but hear the food is super cheap. I go in and buy carrots, apples, two cans of soup, two Lean Cuisine pizza and a single serving pack of Weight Watcher's ice cream. Stand in line forever because of morons. I feel my blood boil. I hate Wal-Mart. Hate Wal-Mart!!! I start to take deep breaths to calm down. The young boy behind me takes a few steps back. I think I may be taking very LOUD, deep breaths. A half-hour later I make it to the register and pay for my food. Oh my god, it IS cheap! I am scared that I am impressed by the Wal-Mart cost of food.
I come home and make one of the mini pizzas and have a beer. The night goes on and I email a bit and watch TV. The shows I wanted to watch aren't on and I'm annoyed. I space out. Who knows how long later, I realize I am gnawing on a card I started to write a thank you note on. The corner is slightly devoured and quite soggy. Instead, I chew on the remote for a while. ACK! I have Pica! Do not eat the wall Heather! No walls or cat litter, okay? I freeze and lay very still on my bed fearing that I might eat another inedible piece of anything. I can't take it anymore and eat the other Lean Cuisine pizza and start to tear up that I am binging on Lean Cuisine. After I finish it I realize I'm not so much hungry, as I am restless. What can I do? I need something to do. I decide to masturbate. I think I've found something to do with my hands! I finish and am relaxed and go to sleep.
DAY 3 - Tuesday
Wake up. Yay Day 3!!! I shower, but don't feel like washing my hair. I haven't washed it since Sunday, I realize. Huh. How did that happen? I will wash it tomorrow. Get to work a few minutes late and am agitated, but try not to let it show. You are peaceful. Have lozenge and coffee. Try to work. Today my mind is flitting about pretty bad and I can't concentrate, but I am trying to be sweet and not act grumpy. I space out most of the morning. A new turkey jumps my mom's window and I have my picture taken with it. Secretly I curse High Point for farm animals at the office. At lunch I go to the gym again and feel better. Take another lozenge. Get back to work and space out most of the afternoon thinking about my hunt for a new job and the slim pickings I'm encountering. Leave at 5. The person in front of me is SO slow. After ten minutes, there is a break and I pass them biting my lip. I want to yell, but I don't. I want to flip them off, but I don't. I hold the middle finger of my left hand down against steering wheel with my right hand so as not to flip off the slow motorist.
I get home and see a notice on my door. They were in my apartment changing the air filters on the vents. I walk in and see something horrible. Oh my god! I left my vibrator sitting on my night table in plain view of where the guy had to stand to change the filter. I want to die!!! I vow to never go to the office again, and never ask for a repair. If something falls apart I'm living with it. I take my shame, open the fridge for 15 minutes and stare. I'm hungry, but perplexed. I need to eat so I don't eat paper again. I finally close the fridge and decide upon soup. Eat dinner and have another lozenge. Start to write this. Have to poop. When did I last poop? Ciggies help poop and I always get constipated when I quit. I go into the bathroom and sit. No poop, but I can tell it wants out! I keep trying to go, but nothing is happening. I realize I am rubbing both my knees counter-clockwise. Stop! You have to push. Nothing happens. I rub my calves as I lean forward. I can tell the daily lotion use is paying off. My skin is soft. Focus! Poop! I give myself a "Come on ice cream" belly massage that my massage therapist ex-boyfriend once taught me to help you poop. Push. It finally starts to happen, but stops. Doesn't drop, doesn't retract. Just stays. Damn it! Push more. 15 minutes later I am done. I don't feel done, but I'm not spending the night here. I wipe and go to flush and see I have shat a crayon. Did I eat that in my Pica state last night? Wash hands and leave bathroom.
I need something to do with my hands!!! Stare at vibrator, but curse it for showing itself to the maintenance man. I put it back in its hiding spot. What can I do??? Sudoku! I will do Sudoku. I Sudoku away for a while and need a change of pace. I stop and stare towards my closet. Hmmmm. I DO need to chill out... Instead I write in my diary and pray for the day to end. I need things to get easier. I just need to get through these first two weeks. How will I ever do this?
Honestly? It’s nothing that a meal of paper, some lozenges, Sudoku and some self-abuse can't cure.
My goals with this strange thing called 35? Get fit, healthy and happy. I'm eating better, am back at the gym, have a lost a lot of weight since I moved here, have been working on readjusting my attitude and staying peaceful, and am trying to do things that make me laugh more. What's left? The smoking. Damn the smoking!!! The smoking MUST go. I am running out of time before it becomes too late. My original idea was to quit on my birthday so that I never smoked while 35. Thing is, I knew I was going out the following night and there would be smoking and drinking, so it would have to be delayed until Sunday. And Sunday it was.
Many of you have been around me when I've quit in the past. I vow to do things differently this time. No angry outbursts. No crying over stupid things like the store being out of a particular pop. No hermiting to avoid social situations. And I'm going to attempt to stay focused and alert. No living in a daze and forgetting how to spell my name again. The game plan? I'm not sure, but I'm trying to figure it out along the way. And while I can't control my thoughts and emotions through this challenge, I can control what I let out. This time I vow to stay optimistic, not yell at people, and cry as little as possible...at least in front of people. Am I making it so far? Read on to find out!
NICOTINE DIARY
DAY 1 - Sunday
Wake up. I miss cigarettes. I smell last night's cigarettes on me and decide maybe I don't. I realize as a new nonsmoker, I will no longer stink. Yay! Have coffee and nicotine lozenge. Spend day cleaning like crazy to keep hands busy. I realize it's not so bad. I've done SO many one-dayers. I can handle this. It's now the afternoon and I go to the gym and do elliptical. Come home and work out abs and arms for another hour. Take lozenge. Take a shower and wash last night's smoke and today's sweat off of me. Go to dinner at mom's. I stick with small portions for fear I will gain weight from not smoking. It's way too easy to turn to food instead of smokes. I stay pretty quiet and let the family do most of the talking. I am really tired and just want to go to bed. Go home and sleep for nine hours.
DAY 2 - Monday
Woo-hoo! I made it through my first day. Work will be fine. I often go through my entire workday without smoking. It's after 5 that I have to worry about. Get to work and have coffee and lozenge. Go to the gym at lunch. I can already tell a difference in my workout. I'm not coughing while I do my cardio. This is great! Go back to work and get lots done. Work is over and I'm scared to leave and I want pizza. I fight with myself in my head and compromise on a Lean Cuisine pizza. I stop at the new Wal-Mart by my house. I am SO anti-Wal-Mart, but hear the food is super cheap. I go in and buy carrots, apples, two cans of soup, two Lean Cuisine pizza and a single serving pack of Weight Watcher's ice cream. Stand in line forever because of morons. I feel my blood boil. I hate Wal-Mart. Hate Wal-Mart!!! I start to take deep breaths to calm down. The young boy behind me takes a few steps back. I think I may be taking very LOUD, deep breaths. A half-hour later I make it to the register and pay for my food. Oh my god, it IS cheap! I am scared that I am impressed by the Wal-Mart cost of food.
I come home and make one of the mini pizzas and have a beer. The night goes on and I email a bit and watch TV. The shows I wanted to watch aren't on and I'm annoyed. I space out. Who knows how long later, I realize I am gnawing on a card I started to write a thank you note on. The corner is slightly devoured and quite soggy. Instead, I chew on the remote for a while. ACK! I have Pica! Do not eat the wall Heather! No walls or cat litter, okay? I freeze and lay very still on my bed fearing that I might eat another inedible piece of anything. I can't take it anymore and eat the other Lean Cuisine pizza and start to tear up that I am binging on Lean Cuisine. After I finish it I realize I'm not so much hungry, as I am restless. What can I do? I need something to do. I decide to masturbate. I think I've found something to do with my hands! I finish and am relaxed and go to sleep.
DAY 3 - Tuesday
Wake up. Yay Day 3!!! I shower, but don't feel like washing my hair. I haven't washed it since Sunday, I realize. Huh. How did that happen? I will wash it tomorrow. Get to work a few minutes late and am agitated, but try not to let it show. You are peaceful. Have lozenge and coffee. Try to work. Today my mind is flitting about pretty bad and I can't concentrate, but I am trying to be sweet and not act grumpy. I space out most of the morning. A new turkey jumps my mom's window and I have my picture taken with it. Secretly I curse High Point for farm animals at the office. At lunch I go to the gym again and feel better. Take another lozenge. Get back to work and space out most of the afternoon thinking about my hunt for a new job and the slim pickings I'm encountering. Leave at 5. The person in front of me is SO slow. After ten minutes, there is a break and I pass them biting my lip. I want to yell, but I don't. I want to flip them off, but I don't. I hold the middle finger of my left hand down against steering wheel with my right hand so as not to flip off the slow motorist.
I get home and see a notice on my door. They were in my apartment changing the air filters on the vents. I walk in and see something horrible. Oh my god! I left my vibrator sitting on my night table in plain view of where the guy had to stand to change the filter. I want to die!!! I vow to never go to the office again, and never ask for a repair. If something falls apart I'm living with it. I take my shame, open the fridge for 15 minutes and stare. I'm hungry, but perplexed. I need to eat so I don't eat paper again. I finally close the fridge and decide upon soup. Eat dinner and have another lozenge. Start to write this. Have to poop. When did I last poop? Ciggies help poop and I always get constipated when I quit. I go into the bathroom and sit. No poop, but I can tell it wants out! I keep trying to go, but nothing is happening. I realize I am rubbing both my knees counter-clockwise. Stop! You have to push. Nothing happens. I rub my calves as I lean forward. I can tell the daily lotion use is paying off. My skin is soft. Focus! Poop! I give myself a "Come on ice cream" belly massage that my massage therapist ex-boyfriend once taught me to help you poop. Push. It finally starts to happen, but stops. Doesn't drop, doesn't retract. Just stays. Damn it! Push more. 15 minutes later I am done. I don't feel done, but I'm not spending the night here. I wipe and go to flush and see I have shat a crayon. Did I eat that in my Pica state last night? Wash hands and leave bathroom.
I need something to do with my hands!!! Stare at vibrator, but curse it for showing itself to the maintenance man. I put it back in its hiding spot. What can I do??? Sudoku! I will do Sudoku. I Sudoku away for a while and need a change of pace. I stop and stare towards my closet. Hmmmm. I DO need to chill out... Instead I write in my diary and pray for the day to end. I need things to get easier. I just need to get through these first two weeks. How will I ever do this?
Honestly? It’s nothing that a meal of paper, some lozenges, Sudoku and some self-abuse can't cure.
