THINGS YOU'LL NEVER SEE ON A SEMI-DESERTED ISLAND
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have an EXTREME obsession with the TV show, Lost. Okay, so it's not quite an "obsession". I think of an obsessed person kind of like the three guys on X-Files who help out Mulder in situations because they're all about the UFO-ness. Okay, so I just revealed more of my geekness. Yes, I also had an addiction to X-Files and almost creamed myself when I recently read they are doing a sequal movie with David Duchovony and Gilian Anderson.
So as you fellow Losties know, the season premiere is on January 31st. I can't tell you the joy this brings me. I'd blame it on life living in North Carolina amongst domestic fights, roosters shitting in my office driveway, and finding entrails on the stairs to the garbage, alas I was like this before I moved here. The last guy I dated, Geno, got me hooked on this show. He had a TV addiction and we'd just lay in bed, watch his shows and have sex afterwards. Pretty sad, but he gave me Lost at least.
I keep backtracking. What I'm trying to say is that in anticipation of the season premier of Lost, I've spent the evening re-watching the season finale and all the Missing Pieces posted on ABC. I don't know if this makes me pathetic, or just really intrigued, but I feel slightly horny after watching all this. Am I THAT excited? Possibly. Or maybe it's that I'm escaping North Carolina tomorrow? Or maybe it's watching a shirltess Sawyer? Either way, I'm feeling oddly aroused, which I think is anticipation for my brain stew, Lost.
I do have to say though that I am deeply disturbed by three things that I've noticed have never been addressed throughout the seasons.
1) What do the chicks do for their periods? Do they shove t-shirts in their pants and then leave them in the latrine after they're done? Did they find a boatload of tampons on the plane wreckage? Does the strange powers of island make their periods stop? What??? This has bothered me to no end since halfway through Season 1.
2) Why does no one have roots? Clearly at least ONE person on the island used to dye their hair. I mean, what the hell? Any of you women, and some men, know as well as I do that this is impossible.
3) Aren't there any nearsighted people like myself on the island? Sure there was an episode where Sawyer needed glasses that they welded together, but he never wears them anymore. Big fucking whoop! What about people like me who can't see more than three feet away without their contacts or glasses? On a flight, I'd be wearing my lenses and my glasses would be in my suitcase. Who knows where my glasses would end up, and my contacts wouldn't last long without their solution. I'd be the blind chick on the island. The girl who tries to have her bowel movements in the latrine, but accidentally shits in the food supply because she can't see. I'd surely be the first to be eaten.
I do not get these things! Do we have an island of pretty much perfect people? Honestly, can we all not agree this is kind of wierd? I mean, it's very unlikely that this is what survival of the fittest means. Sure the nearsighted chick would likely walk off a cliff and die, but she must have lived a little while after the crash! Are the writers simply not thinking about these little things? I'm by no means harping on them, as I think they're brilliant with the show, but the little things also count. I know if I crash on a semi-deserted island, the first thing going through my head is going to be, "Oh fuck. I'm totally screwed," as I think about my glasses in my suitcase. And now that I mention this, I think I'll start bringing them in my purse from now on.
Yay for the 31st!
So as you fellow Losties know, the season premiere is on January 31st. I can't tell you the joy this brings me. I'd blame it on life living in North Carolina amongst domestic fights, roosters shitting in my office driveway, and finding entrails on the stairs to the garbage, alas I was like this before I moved here. The last guy I dated, Geno, got me hooked on this show. He had a TV addiction and we'd just lay in bed, watch his shows and have sex afterwards. Pretty sad, but he gave me Lost at least.
I keep backtracking. What I'm trying to say is that in anticipation of the season premier of Lost, I've spent the evening re-watching the season finale and all the Missing Pieces posted on ABC. I don't know if this makes me pathetic, or just really intrigued, but I feel slightly horny after watching all this. Am I THAT excited? Possibly. Or maybe it's that I'm escaping North Carolina tomorrow? Or maybe it's watching a shirltess Sawyer? Either way, I'm feeling oddly aroused, which I think is anticipation for my brain stew, Lost.
I do have to say though that I am deeply disturbed by three things that I've noticed have never been addressed throughout the seasons.
1) What do the chicks do for their periods? Do they shove t-shirts in their pants and then leave them in the latrine after they're done? Did they find a boatload of tampons on the plane wreckage? Does the strange powers of island make their periods stop? What??? This has bothered me to no end since halfway through Season 1.
2) Why does no one have roots? Clearly at least ONE person on the island used to dye their hair. I mean, what the hell? Any of you women, and some men, know as well as I do that this is impossible.
3) Aren't there any nearsighted people like myself on the island? Sure there was an episode where Sawyer needed glasses that they welded together, but he never wears them anymore. Big fucking whoop! What about people like me who can't see more than three feet away without their contacts or glasses? On a flight, I'd be wearing my lenses and my glasses would be in my suitcase. Who knows where my glasses would end up, and my contacts wouldn't last long without their solution. I'd be the blind chick on the island. The girl who tries to have her bowel movements in the latrine, but accidentally shits in the food supply because she can't see. I'd surely be the first to be eaten.
I do not get these things! Do we have an island of pretty much perfect people? Honestly, can we all not agree this is kind of wierd? I mean, it's very unlikely that this is what survival of the fittest means. Sure the nearsighted chick would likely walk off a cliff and die, but she must have lived a little while after the crash! Are the writers simply not thinking about these little things? I'm by no means harping on them, as I think they're brilliant with the show, but the little things also count. I know if I crash on a semi-deserted island, the first thing going through my head is going to be, "Oh fuck. I'm totally screwed," as I think about my glasses in my suitcase. And now that I mention this, I think I'll start bringing them in my purse from now on.
Yay for the 31st!
WALKIN' IN A WINTER, WHITE TRASH LAND
TThis place is weird and I want to scream.
LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW?
I have been bitching to friends that I want a winter. Hell, a few weeks ago it was 73 and I was starting to get pissed. Then came the big news this week...we were going to get a "wintery mix" on Thursday. It was going to be snow, then freezing rain, then ice. Their way of saying we were going to have an ice storm. They canceled schools and government offices the night before. Everyone's too drunk or lazy to get up at 3 or 4 AM to check and see if it actually happened, apparently. And of course it didn't...not to the degree they predicted. We got a tad of snow and some freezing rain that stacked up on the cars and grass, but by 7 AM the roads were all wet with normal rain. I mocked the NC weather people and belly flopped onto my neighbor's hood when I slid in sleet, as earlier reported.
Friday the normal rain was supposed to freeze and create lot of ice and bad roads. So they canceled and delayed schools again. I woke up and the roads were not only NOT frozen, but dry. So the kids first get a rain day, now a dry road day. I can't wait to see them sweltering in June when they're making up those days. Wait. I won't be here. Thank god. Seriously though, every time I make a point to anyone about them canceling school the night before, I am met with same old story.
"There were these two kids a couple of years ago. We had black ice and they died because school wasn't canceled. So now they will cancel school over ice."
Okay, well first of all yes, that sucks. You can call me heartless, but I still don't get it. First of all, it was a tragic accident, not the fault of the school's. These kids apparently lived in the boonies where of course no bus service was provided and it was tragic. I don't see how the school is responsible. Secondly and most importantly, even if you want to blame the lack of school closure, why didn't someone fucking wake up early and look out their goddamned window? Seriously North Carolinians, who is that fucking lazy? I grew up in the Seattle area where the whole city shuts down if you fart snow. And granted it's often stupid, but at least we have major hills that cause issue, AND there are never school closures until we see the shit on the ground. I don't get it.
So today we were told it was going to snow up to two inches. This is my weekend where I work the 2nd job all weekend during the days. Everyone on Friday night was wishing me safe driving and such. I laughed at them, as I knew that it was once again bullshit. But what do you know? It snowed! It didn't stick but a dusting on the grass, but now there is a serious concern for ice in the morning because it's supposed to stay in the 20's and drop to 12 or 17 or something tomorrow night. So we shall see. But still, I have no faith in the weather people anymore, and more importantly the North Carolina school districts. These are the moments I am glad I am barren.
Motherfucker! They are now running CHURCH closings and delays under Runaway Jury. I can't wait to get out of here.
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
So we know that this place, as my friend Chad says, is "cracked out". Between pygmy goats trying to jump my car, ride-on lawn mowers driving on streets, and turkeys in my office window, you'd think nothing would shock me here. I was wrong.
This morning I was at work mocking the weather with one of the resident's daughters. We were comparing our horror stories from grocery shopping last night. The stores were PACKED! People were buying batteries and all sorts of shit. The two of us were cracking up at the fact that everyone freaked out over what they "thought" was going to be two inches of snow for one day. She told me how her store sold out of bananas and toilet paper. This of course cracked me up. She said one of the clerks said that the toilet paper became a big issue! Apparently they sold out and then the toilet paper truck pulled in, the guy started unloading the toilet paper and people went nuts! They started running out to the loading dock and were grabbing toilet paper off the truck! All of this for one day of potential snow? Who shits that much to the point where snow instills the fear of lack of toilet paper? Even I, the Queen of Poo, doesn’t get this.
We got our chuckles out of this and then we moved on to the crazier man. This was what seemed to be a very nice security guard. I had been warned he was a talker though. The guard showed up with his waxed and curled moustache and cane and took a seat. He told me about his bum knee and how he doesn't do full rounds, but looks out the window to make sure nothing bad is going on. Then for some reason, as conversation with the security guards oddly turns to, we talked about our divorces. I got to hear all about his and his wife's insanity and sexual/physical abuse from her first marriage. Now, I am someone who can take a lot, but this was starting to make me uncomfortable.
Then he said the words that pushed the line.
Guard: I love my ex-wife, but she got my retirement fund and everything I own. If I ever get a terminal illness, I'm going to kill her divorce attorney!
Me: Hahaha! Right.
Guard: No, I'm not kidding! I'll kill the son of a bitch.
Me: (Now uncomfortable). Oh.
Guard: I'll tell you something; the threat to this nation is not the terrorists. It's the attorneys that rape our judicial system.
Me: Oh.
Seriously folks, what do you say to this? I just witnessed a potential death threat! I sat there with a semi-smile frozen to my face and started working on a project. I was skurrrrred. Skurrrrred, I tell you. Chad, you are right. This place IS cracked out. April can't come soon enough.
On a lighter note, I am feeling more human again, but am extremely constipated from the Chantix. I'm not smoking though! Yay for not smoking, though I feel like I cheated tonight because I am currently drinking wine and I broke down and sucked a nicotine lozenge. Boo for no poop! Not even a couple of glasses of Metamucil have helped me out today. I woke up today with poo baby bloat. It's quite repulsive. I think I shall do a saline laxative. I'm worried; as the last time I did this, I shit tea water in my sleep. However, the poo bloat is just too much to handle. Maybe I'll lay down some garbage bags in my bed tonight?
At this point, I'm sure you are ready to vomit so I will leave you be. Happy pooping, not smoking, and not killing attorneys to all!
Love,
Me
LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW?
I have been bitching to friends that I want a winter. Hell, a few weeks ago it was 73 and I was starting to get pissed. Then came the big news this week...we were going to get a "wintery mix" on Thursday. It was going to be snow, then freezing rain, then ice. Their way of saying we were going to have an ice storm. They canceled schools and government offices the night before. Everyone's too drunk or lazy to get up at 3 or 4 AM to check and see if it actually happened, apparently. And of course it didn't...not to the degree they predicted. We got a tad of snow and some freezing rain that stacked up on the cars and grass, but by 7 AM the roads were all wet with normal rain. I mocked the NC weather people and belly flopped onto my neighbor's hood when I slid in sleet, as earlier reported.
Friday the normal rain was supposed to freeze and create lot of ice and bad roads. So they canceled and delayed schools again. I woke up and the roads were not only NOT frozen, but dry. So the kids first get a rain day, now a dry road day. I can't wait to see them sweltering in June when they're making up those days. Wait. I won't be here. Thank god. Seriously though, every time I make a point to anyone about them canceling school the night before, I am met with same old story.
"There were these two kids a couple of years ago. We had black ice and they died because school wasn't canceled. So now they will cancel school over ice."
Okay, well first of all yes, that sucks. You can call me heartless, but I still don't get it. First of all, it was a tragic accident, not the fault of the school's. These kids apparently lived in the boonies where of course no bus service was provided and it was tragic. I don't see how the school is responsible. Secondly and most importantly, even if you want to blame the lack of school closure, why didn't someone fucking wake up early and look out their goddamned window? Seriously North Carolinians, who is that fucking lazy? I grew up in the Seattle area where the whole city shuts down if you fart snow. And granted it's often stupid, but at least we have major hills that cause issue, AND there are never school closures until we see the shit on the ground. I don't get it.
So today we were told it was going to snow up to two inches. This is my weekend where I work the 2nd job all weekend during the days. Everyone on Friday night was wishing me safe driving and such. I laughed at them, as I knew that it was once again bullshit. But what do you know? It snowed! It didn't stick but a dusting on the grass, but now there is a serious concern for ice in the morning because it's supposed to stay in the 20's and drop to 12 or 17 or something tomorrow night. So we shall see. But still, I have no faith in the weather people anymore, and more importantly the North Carolina school districts. These are the moments I am glad I am barren.
Motherfucker! They are now running CHURCH closings and delays under Runaway Jury. I can't wait to get out of here.
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
So we know that this place, as my friend Chad says, is "cracked out". Between pygmy goats trying to jump my car, ride-on lawn mowers driving on streets, and turkeys in my office window, you'd think nothing would shock me here. I was wrong.
This morning I was at work mocking the weather with one of the resident's daughters. We were comparing our horror stories from grocery shopping last night. The stores were PACKED! People were buying batteries and all sorts of shit. The two of us were cracking up at the fact that everyone freaked out over what they "thought" was going to be two inches of snow for one day. She told me how her store sold out of bananas and toilet paper. This of course cracked me up. She said one of the clerks said that the toilet paper became a big issue! Apparently they sold out and then the toilet paper truck pulled in, the guy started unloading the toilet paper and people went nuts! They started running out to the loading dock and were grabbing toilet paper off the truck! All of this for one day of potential snow? Who shits that much to the point where snow instills the fear of lack of toilet paper? Even I, the Queen of Poo, doesn’t get this.
We got our chuckles out of this and then we moved on to the crazier man. This was what seemed to be a very nice security guard. I had been warned he was a talker though. The guard showed up with his waxed and curled moustache and cane and took a seat. He told me about his bum knee and how he doesn't do full rounds, but looks out the window to make sure nothing bad is going on. Then for some reason, as conversation with the security guards oddly turns to, we talked about our divorces. I got to hear all about his and his wife's insanity and sexual/physical abuse from her first marriage. Now, I am someone who can take a lot, but this was starting to make me uncomfortable.
Then he said the words that pushed the line.
Guard: I love my ex-wife, but she got my retirement fund and everything I own. If I ever get a terminal illness, I'm going to kill her divorce attorney!
Me: Hahaha! Right.
Guard: No, I'm not kidding! I'll kill the son of a bitch.
Me: (Now uncomfortable). Oh.
Guard: I'll tell you something; the threat to this nation is not the terrorists. It's the attorneys that rape our judicial system.
Me: Oh.
Seriously folks, what do you say to this? I just witnessed a potential death threat! I sat there with a semi-smile frozen to my face and started working on a project. I was skurrrrred. Skurrrrred, I tell you. Chad, you are right. This place IS cracked out. April can't come soon enough.
On a lighter note, I am feeling more human again, but am extremely constipated from the Chantix. I'm not smoking though! Yay for not smoking, though I feel like I cheated tonight because I am currently drinking wine and I broke down and sucked a nicotine lozenge. Boo for no poop! Not even a couple of glasses of Metamucil have helped me out today. I woke up today with poo baby bloat. It's quite repulsive. I think I shall do a saline laxative. I'm worried; as the last time I did this, I shit tea water in my sleep. However, the poo bloat is just too much to handle. Maybe I'll lay down some garbage bags in my bed tonight?
At this point, I'm sure you are ready to vomit so I will leave you be. Happy pooping, not smoking, and not killing attorneys to all!
Love,
Me
TOP THAT, TAWNY KITAEN!
Last night I started my higher dose of 1 mg of Chantix. It was supposed to be my last .5 mg, but I was too full or tired to cut the pill in half, and there's another half left I no longer take. My dreams last night were back to being really vivid. The first dream was that I was going to a weekend wedding celebration and a lot of us were camping in the area it was, as it was out in the woods near a river. I remember trying to set up my tent and am getting bitten really bad by mosquitoes. There was a 14-year old setting up his tent nearby and had another tent that wasn't put up right next to it. I talk to him and he's saving the site for his parents who are coming up later. Some mountain bikers tried to steal the kid's second campsite and I start going off on the mountain bikers for being rude to the kid. The dream skips ahead and my sister asks if I want to go whitewater rafting before the wedding. I tell her I'd love to! I really do love whitewater rafting! She says we need to allow enough time to do my hair before I get married. I'm confused. I'M getting married? She looks at me like I'm stupid. "Yes!" I tell her I'm not even dating anyone, that this is impossible. I ask if it's an arranged marriage? She laughs at me, and I'm really pissed and confused. My mom chimes in that "we've" been dating for a couple of years. I can't remember any of this. Who IS this person? Why am I getting married? I don't get this! I ask them to show me who I'm marrying and the dream ends.
Next dream - I'm hanging out in this tree house bar at my sister's old friend, Rachel's house. Her parents are not supposed to know, but one of my friends runs into her dad and tells him that there's a party in the tree house. Everyone has a grand 'ol time and crashes there. As I leave the next morning, Rachel's dad is waiting by our cars and I am handed a bill with all sorts of charges totaling up to $36.41. I wake up.
The morning started out rough. I woke up with nausea and realized I'd overslept two hours, which was bad. BAD! I didn't even hear my alarm going off! I think I was too happy being in my dream life. I made a mad rush to get ready and to work. There was no ice storm as the weather people predicted, but we did have snow and sleet, but it was raining normal when I left. Of course the entire Triad area canceled school and closed all government offices LAST night before we had any weather issues. So basically kids and government workers got a rain day. Just more proof of the idiocy that prevails here.
As I rushed down the stairs to my car, I made a shortcut across the small strip of grass that borders the parking lot. I was wearing BAD shoes for a sleet pileup. My boot hit the sleet and I went flailing about. I slid to the right. I slid to the left. Then I saw I was flying straight forward and I could tell there was no stopping me. I belly-flopped on my neighbor's car. The suspected drug dealer's car…right on the hood. It was beautiful. My friend Sara said I should to tell it that I was also wearing tight, ripped jeans and a greasy tank top. Unfortunately that was not the case, though. All the junk is freezing up bad tonight and they're anticipating a world of ice by tomorrow morning. I'm thinking that if I eat shit on my neighbor's car again in the morning, I just need to go with it. I'll writhe about on the hood, flipping my hair, all while singing Whitesnake's, "Here I Go Again." It'll be like a bundled up, chemo patient version of Tawny Kitaen. I don't think my neighbors could ask for anything more.
And no, I didn't smoke today. I think this stuff is working! AND the cyborgness isn't as bad. Woo-hoo!
Next dream - I'm hanging out in this tree house bar at my sister's old friend, Rachel's house. Her parents are not supposed to know, but one of my friends runs into her dad and tells him that there's a party in the tree house. Everyone has a grand 'ol time and crashes there. As I leave the next morning, Rachel's dad is waiting by our cars and I am handed a bill with all sorts of charges totaling up to $36.41. I wake up.
The morning started out rough. I woke up with nausea and realized I'd overslept two hours, which was bad. BAD! I didn't even hear my alarm going off! I think I was too happy being in my dream life. I made a mad rush to get ready and to work. There was no ice storm as the weather people predicted, but we did have snow and sleet, but it was raining normal when I left. Of course the entire Triad area canceled school and closed all government offices LAST night before we had any weather issues. So basically kids and government workers got a rain day. Just more proof of the idiocy that prevails here.
As I rushed down the stairs to my car, I made a shortcut across the small strip of grass that borders the parking lot. I was wearing BAD shoes for a sleet pileup. My boot hit the sleet and I went flailing about. I slid to the right. I slid to the left. Then I saw I was flying straight forward and I could tell there was no stopping me. I belly-flopped on my neighbor's car. The suspected drug dealer's car…right on the hood. It was beautiful. My friend Sara said I should to tell it that I was also wearing tight, ripped jeans and a greasy tank top. Unfortunately that was not the case, though. All the junk is freezing up bad tonight and they're anticipating a world of ice by tomorrow morning. I'm thinking that if I eat shit on my neighbor's car again in the morning, I just need to go with it. I'll writhe about on the hood, flipping my hair, all while singing Whitesnake's, "Here I Go Again." It'll be like a bundled up, chemo patient version of Tawny Kitaen. I don't think my neighbors could ask for anything more.
And no, I didn't smoke today. I think this stuff is working! AND the cyborgness isn't as bad. Woo-hoo!
GOING UP?
CHANTIX - DAY 7
Well my friends, today is the day; the last day that this cyborg smokes. I know. I know. You all say that you will believe it when you see it, but mark my word mateys...this is it! I think this is that whole power of positive thinking stuff coming into play. Honestly though, I know this will be it.
So last night's dreams are much clearer to me today. There was no ex boyfriends or mistakes thrown into my dreams, but there was a slimeball. The first dream I had was that one of our buyer's from work had a party and invited me over. It wasn't here and it wasn't her house. It was the penthouse of some high-rise condominium. I was all gussied up and thank god I had my dream nose on! I was having a drink on the rooftop deck when this guy comes up to me and starts talking. He's very handsome in the type of handsome that I like, which is typically kind of quirky. And then he says it.
"You know, I was once arrested for having sex in a dumpster."
What? I am disgusted. I give him my disgusted look and walk away. I am happy to know that if this were real life, I would react the same way. Whew!
The second dream was that I was leaving for my trip to Boston next week, but my entire adult family was living together and it was pure insanity! I couldn't find my plane ticket and everyone was running around trying to find it. Then my brother said, "Just look at your confirmation online!" But I couldn't remember my email address or password. Then my mom suggested that I just go to the airport, go to the airline and do the self-check-in, which would pull up my info, but I couldn't remember what airline I was flying out of. I woke up panicked and reminding myself to print out my itinerary for next week's flight.
Today was same 'ol, same 'ol at first. Nausea, ginger ale, a workout that helped boost my mood for a bit, and then a very slow afternoon. However, I had a bit of a surprise when I peed this afternoon. I was sitting there in the one and only women's single shooter. I was resting my chin in one hand that was propped up by my elbow resting on my knee ala Thinking Man position. I was zoning out, as I seem to do quite often this week, when I saw it....an arch of piss shooting out and hitting the toilet seat.
"WHOA!" I muttered and quickly shifted.
How on Earth did I just arch my piss? Granted, I've done this before, but I was blowing my nose while peeing and realized I tilted my pelvis up when doing so and....oh my god. Oh my god! I just realized as I sat here writing this, that THIS...this detailing of me peeing out of the toilet on accident is going to be a contributing factor to dying alone! Granted, I've been lucky enough to date men who find this type of talk amusing, but seriously...it takes a strong man to stomach this kind of talk. Thing is, it's me though. So onward with the story!
Anyways, I have no clue how I pissed upwards, but I did. I am going to blame this on the Chantix like everything else going awry lately. Okay Chantix people, you can add, "tipped pee hole" to your list of side effects!
Unfortunately what goes up must come down. And it did. It ran all down the front of the toilet bowl, which I had to mop up along with the seat puddle. Frustrated, I flushed and pulled my pants up. That's when I noticed the puddle. Holy shit, I'd pissed ALL over the floor! I must have really been zoned out to not notice that no urine was hitting the water. Did I even pee this much? I thought maybe the toilet was leaking, but when I mopped it up with toilet paper, it was slightly yellow like my urine. Great. It just gets better...a cyborg with an "up elevator" pee hole. Maybe my elevated urine stream will short circuit the robot in me and just put me out of my misery? If that doesn't work, maybe tomorrow's impending ice storm will. At least if something happens on the way to work, I have my tipped urine stream to keep me warm!
Well my friends, today is the day; the last day that this cyborg smokes. I know. I know. You all say that you will believe it when you see it, but mark my word mateys...this is it! I think this is that whole power of positive thinking stuff coming into play. Honestly though, I know this will be it.
So last night's dreams are much clearer to me today. There was no ex boyfriends or mistakes thrown into my dreams, but there was a slimeball. The first dream I had was that one of our buyer's from work had a party and invited me over. It wasn't here and it wasn't her house. It was the penthouse of some high-rise condominium. I was all gussied up and thank god I had my dream nose on! I was having a drink on the rooftop deck when this guy comes up to me and starts talking. He's very handsome in the type of handsome that I like, which is typically kind of quirky. And then he says it.
"You know, I was once arrested for having sex in a dumpster."
What? I am disgusted. I give him my disgusted look and walk away. I am happy to know that if this were real life, I would react the same way. Whew!
The second dream was that I was leaving for my trip to Boston next week, but my entire adult family was living together and it was pure insanity! I couldn't find my plane ticket and everyone was running around trying to find it. Then my brother said, "Just look at your confirmation online!" But I couldn't remember my email address or password. Then my mom suggested that I just go to the airport, go to the airline and do the self-check-in, which would pull up my info, but I couldn't remember what airline I was flying out of. I woke up panicked and reminding myself to print out my itinerary for next week's flight.
Today was same 'ol, same 'ol at first. Nausea, ginger ale, a workout that helped boost my mood for a bit, and then a very slow afternoon. However, I had a bit of a surprise when I peed this afternoon. I was sitting there in the one and only women's single shooter. I was resting my chin in one hand that was propped up by my elbow resting on my knee ala Thinking Man position. I was zoning out, as I seem to do quite often this week, when I saw it....an arch of piss shooting out and hitting the toilet seat.
"WHOA!" I muttered and quickly shifted.
How on Earth did I just arch my piss? Granted, I've done this before, but I was blowing my nose while peeing and realized I tilted my pelvis up when doing so and....oh my god. Oh my god! I just realized as I sat here writing this, that THIS...this detailing of me peeing out of the toilet on accident is going to be a contributing factor to dying alone! Granted, I've been lucky enough to date men who find this type of talk amusing, but seriously...it takes a strong man to stomach this kind of talk. Thing is, it's me though. So onward with the story!
Anyways, I have no clue how I pissed upwards, but I did. I am going to blame this on the Chantix like everything else going awry lately. Okay Chantix people, you can add, "tipped pee hole" to your list of side effects!
Unfortunately what goes up must come down. And it did. It ran all down the front of the toilet bowl, which I had to mop up along with the seat puddle. Frustrated, I flushed and pulled my pants up. That's when I noticed the puddle. Holy shit, I'd pissed ALL over the floor! I must have really been zoned out to not notice that no urine was hitting the water. Did I even pee this much? I thought maybe the toilet was leaking, but when I mopped it up with toilet paper, it was slightly yellow like my urine. Great. It just gets better...a cyborg with an "up elevator" pee hole. Maybe my elevated urine stream will short circuit the robot in me and just put me out of my misery? If that doesn't work, maybe tomorrow's impending ice storm will. At least if something happens on the way to work, I have my tipped urine stream to keep me warm!
THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE, WHEN THE CYBORGS CRY
I woke up before my alarm today with the overwhelming urge to vomit. It was another night of dreams that I am having more difficulty remembering, but can remember the theme. Last night's was past guy stuff again. I do not get where this is coming from, and frankly I'm starting to get irritated with it. If I weren't nauseous almost all day long, I'd think this is where the want to vomit was stemming from.
I stayed in bed a while longer and ran my foot back and forth under the covers to make one of my cats chase it. The medicine HAS turned me into a cyborg after all, and this is likely something that half-robots enjoy doing.
I get up, go to work and want to vomit in the worst way. I eat my oatmeal and take my morning pill. The nausea and lack of emotion stays with me through the morning. I finally succumb to purchasing a supply of mini cans of Ginger Ale to keep at work. I swear this stuff is going to save me from some of my misery. I can only imagine that this is somewhat like morning sickness, as my friends who've been preggo all say that it stays all day. It sucks. No other way to put it. Now if only there was a soda to make me feel something again! Well, I ended up getting something better than soda! I got my pee and poop t-shirt and panties!
When I saw the package from Sweden my heart raced with glee! What was this strange feeling surging through my soul? Could it be...happiness? I ripped open the package and whipped out the poo and pee-ware. I raced into my mom's office to show her the new garbs. She admitted they were pretty cute for pee and poo.
"This is the happiest I've felt in DAYS!" I exclaimed!
The t-shirt was totally going to fit, but the panties... I really need to get in touch with the actual size of my ass. I always think I'm bigger than what I am, and these things are pretty close to pee and poo hipster pantaloons on me. Alas, despite what is surely going to be a pair of period panties (Oh! Pee, poo AND period!), the pee and the poo fought the evil Chantix/Cyborg medicine and won! Unfortunately it was short-lived. An hour later I was in my haze again.
The day was mainly haze, but a combination of a couple of workouts and a visit from my niece made me feel a little better...more human. The nausea continued and the only thing I wanted to eat on this Earth was applesauce. God, I was craving it like no one's business. Then I got home and realized my distaste for food probably wasn't helping my energy. I forced some chicken and broccoli down and chased it with my evening pills. Then I settled in with the movie Once, and I finally had a flood of emotion! I'm not dead!
I was smiling! I was moved by the music and the story! I sobbed at human stupidity and then the movie was over. However this time the emotion stayed. I'm tired and lethargic, but at least I know it's just the meds and not that my soul is dead like I was thinking.
Tomorrow is the last day of smoking and then it's all about increasing the dosage (Heaven help me) and giving up the tobacco...if I'm not completely crazy by then.
I stayed in bed a while longer and ran my foot back and forth under the covers to make one of my cats chase it. The medicine HAS turned me into a cyborg after all, and this is likely something that half-robots enjoy doing.
I get up, go to work and want to vomit in the worst way. I eat my oatmeal and take my morning pill. The nausea and lack of emotion stays with me through the morning. I finally succumb to purchasing a supply of mini cans of Ginger Ale to keep at work. I swear this stuff is going to save me from some of my misery. I can only imagine that this is somewhat like morning sickness, as my friends who've been preggo all say that it stays all day. It sucks. No other way to put it. Now if only there was a soda to make me feel something again! Well, I ended up getting something better than soda! I got my pee and poop t-shirt and panties!
When I saw the package from Sweden my heart raced with glee! What was this strange feeling surging through my soul? Could it be...happiness? I ripped open the package and whipped out the poo and pee-ware. I raced into my mom's office to show her the new garbs. She admitted they were pretty cute for pee and poo.
"This is the happiest I've felt in DAYS!" I exclaimed!
The t-shirt was totally going to fit, but the panties... I really need to get in touch with the actual size of my ass. I always think I'm bigger than what I am, and these things are pretty close to pee and poo hipster pantaloons on me. Alas, despite what is surely going to be a pair of period panties (Oh! Pee, poo AND period!), the pee and the poo fought the evil Chantix/Cyborg medicine and won! Unfortunately it was short-lived. An hour later I was in my haze again.
The day was mainly haze, but a combination of a couple of workouts and a visit from my niece made me feel a little better...more human. The nausea continued and the only thing I wanted to eat on this Earth was applesauce. God, I was craving it like no one's business. Then I got home and realized my distaste for food probably wasn't helping my energy. I forced some chicken and broccoli down and chased it with my evening pills. Then I settled in with the movie Once, and I finally had a flood of emotion! I'm not dead!
I was smiling! I was moved by the music and the story! I sobbed at human stupidity and then the movie was over. However this time the emotion stayed. I'm tired and lethargic, but at least I know it's just the meds and not that my soul is dead like I was thinking.
Tomorrow is the last day of smoking and then it's all about increasing the dosage (Heaven help me) and giving up the tobacco...if I'm not completely crazy by then.
