The Heather Chronicles

I began packing today. Surrounded by boxes, papers, garbage bags, and items to donate, I feel an old familiarity I haven't felt for a year and a half. As I prepare for my seventh out-of-state move; fifth cross-country trip; and third time moving back to Seattle, there's a sense of comfort, sadness and excitement as I sit amongst my life piling up in the corner. This time is going to be very different, as I'm returning not only to go to school, but am coming home to new marriages, new babies, and first-time homes. I had all that (minus the baby) in my mid-20's. I guess I like to do things backwards. My friends' lives are progressing, and I'm still flailing about, but it’s all good.

As I always do, I see what can be tossed, what can be donated, what can be given to friends or family, and what is going with me. To do this, I go through EVERYTHING. I have spent all day going through photos, letters, cards, postcards, playbills, concert passes, ticket stubs, clothes, and paperwork. I do this each time, and each time I sit and laugh, cry, and get nostalgic. I re-live my past with this now ritual, and get a huge reality check. Today I've been reminded of my childhood, my past loves, my past jobs, my past homes, my past dreams, my past marriage, a few past friendships (most still exist) and my past lives, which have conveniently all been lived in this one.

I can't remember if I've felt this before when going through my packing ritual, but today I realized that no matter what I've wanted before; no matter what I want for my future; I've had enough to have a very full, complete life. I've had many adventures, great and small. I've had flings, sweet and innocent relationships, sick love, and beautiful love. I've worked an interesting variety of jobs and have many great stories from these. I've kept the friendships that are my anchor back home, as well as added many beautiful new ones along the way. And most of all, while I know my family wishes I'd just find somewhere that makes me happy, and sit still...they continue to love and support me in the odd, crazy way that us Duffins do so. As my friend said to me the other night, "You're all crazy, but you all love each other."

As I tape up a box with 35 years of memories, I sat and cried. I cried for being such an idiot and not realizing how great my life has always been, even through the rough times. I cried for mistakes I’ve made, and for the mistakes that brought me to better experiences. I cried for how lucky I am to have the most amazing people one could ask for in their life. And I cried for taking it all for granted so many times.

I told my friend at dinner last night that this time I'm going to LET myself be happy, and after today I realize I'm a fool to not let all the good soak in and be content with that no matter what happens from here on. I'm not saying I'm going to settle and not try for more, or that there aren't going to be more rough patches. I just know that as I move forward, I will keep my foundation strong and know that I have the greatest of supporters at my back. And if I ever forget, I got a cardboard box full of love that will set me straight.