The Heather Chronicles

Long distance relationships can be tough. You miss the hell out of each other in general. You miss looking at them when you talk. You miss holding their hand and looking into their eyes. You miss seeing the way they look when they laugh along with you. You miss even the simple things like kissing each other good morning, or walking to the car together. You miss everything about them. While my boyfriend and I miss these things about being together, we both have found it to be surprisingly easy for the most part because we just absolutely love each other and know it's worth the wait until I get moved out there. We also talk, text and email all the time, which helps.

And in addition to all these things missed, there's sex. Now, I can go a long time without sex when I'm single. Hell, I did so for two and a half years! Of course I wasn't in love with someone from the bottom of my soul back then. So now here I am, having found the man I want to spend my life with and whom I never thought existed for me, and I can't even hump him. It's like having a plate of your favorite food served to you, taking one bite so you taste it, and it's going to stay in you for a bit, and then the waiter runs up, throws it across the room and says, "Sorry dear. You have to come back next month for the rest of it. We made it extra heavy so it will stick in your gut for a while though."

So in order to make the best of a 3,000 mile gap between us and our genitalia, we incorporated phone sex (with each other of course) a while back. Many of my friends claim to have never done this, but I like to pretend they're lying and are just embarrassed about it. Of course being as open and mouthy as I am, I fully admit to it. Now, if you've ever had phone sex you will surely understand it can be kind of funny and awkward at first. The first time we did so, we were cracking up afterwards. I mean, you're taking a former Mormon and a former Catholic, both brought up to believe this is no bueno in the first place, but obviously haven't listened to that most of their lives. Tthen make them talk dirty to each other on their cell phones. It's kind of funny at first, but once we got over the initial awkwardness, it became fun. I've joked around at times that when I visit this weekend, I'm going to be so programmed to think this is how you have sex, I'm going to have to call him from another room just to be intimate. It makes me laugh because it reminds me of one of the crazy perceptions of sex that a kid might have.

"Timmy? Where do you think babies come from?"

"Oh, I totally know this. First the mommy makes a phone call to the daddy. Then they say lots of words we're not allowed to use. Then those words collide and go into the mommy's belly and makes a baby. The mommy chokes on the baby words, and the daddy's voice hurts from yelling them, and then they both get really quiet and go to sleep."

"Huh. I thought they were made through the belly button."

So now you're wondering why the hell I'm writing about this, right? Well here's the thing, there's something that complicates the process, and that thing is AT&T. We both have the same service and free calls to each other, which has been great since it saves us tons of money on what would otherwise be an astronomical phone bill. The problem? The service sucks. Our calls in general drop often and when they don't drop, one of us either cuts out or ends up sounding like a Wookie. I mean seriously folks, I have no other option during the distance phase of this relationship except to do this, so it's important to me. While all of you can romp face-to-face, others (being us) are not granted that luxury for now. So to help you understand the situation better, I'm going to put it into a scenario that would give you empathy rather sympathy. Please note I'm going to try to do this without getting too crude, which you know is difficult for me.

Let's imagine you are with the one you love and want to show them, just how much you love them, but you were each born with a serious immune deficiency and have to live in a bubble. And let's imagine that bubble to be like Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy, versus John Travolta in Boy In The Bubble Boy. I have to note this because I picture the bubble more like a hamster ball rather than a plastic room.

Okay, so you and your love are feeling all randy, and want to get it on so you roll towards the bedroom and start removing your clothes. However, once you get into the bedroom, it's not big enough to have your bubbles side-by-side because there's a large bed in the room. A very tall bed that neither of you can get up on because you live in a ball and the bed is too high to just charge at and roll up on. So one of you stays on one side of the bed and the other has to roll their bubble to the other side of the bed where there is room for them. Problem is, now you can't even see each other! So you both realize that while the bubbles automatically set the deal that you can't actually have sex, you at least expected to be able to watch each other take care of business, but no. No you can't. There is a large bed in the way.

So as one bubble person rolls to the other side of the bed, they shout (because you have to shout in bubbles), "Don't worry, honey! We'll just talk each other through it and it will be like I'm there!" So you both lie down in your bubbles and try to take care of business, while pretending your love is with you. All starts out well. It's kind of muted, but you're both saying great things to each other and it's awesome! But as you're moving about in the bubble, the rubber ball you live in starts to make rubber ball noises and you can't hear the other person that well.

Bubble Boy: "And I'm going to (squeaky-squeaky) you with (thud-thud-squeaky-squeaky)."

Bubble Girl: "What?"

Bubble Boy: "I SAID I'm going to (squeaky-squeaky) you with (thud-thud-squeaky-squeaky)."

Bubble Girl: "Oh honey, I can't hear you over the ball noises."

Bubble Boy: "I'M GOING TO (SQUEAKY-SQUEAKY) YOU WITH (WER-HER-WER-HER-THUD-THUD-THUD)."

Bubble Girl: "FUCK! I can't hear ANYTHING you're saying!"

You keep on talking, but now a Wookie walks into the room and starts watching.

Bubble Girl: "Oh honey, yeah. Yeah, do..."

Wookie: "Drrrrrrrrlllll. Arrrrrrrrrr."

Bubble Girl: "Is that a Wookie, honey?"

Bubbly Boy: "Yes punkin, it is. I'm afraid he thinks I'm a toy. Shit! He's bouncing me now."

Bubble Girl: "But I'm SO close! Almost there! Almost..."

And the damned Wookie dribbles your Bubble Boy right out the bedroom door. Bubble Girl gets up in her human hamster ball and goes running after him and the Wookie. Alas, by the time you find him in the living room, alone since the Wookie got hungry and left, you're both all done. So all you can do is laugh and remember that someday there will be a cure for your ailment that will lead you both to live bubble-free lives.

And that, my friends, is phone sex with AT&T. Their old tag line used to be, "Talk Is Good." Yeah? Well, dear AT&T, talk is good, but sex is better.

Hallelujah, I'm back! I hope this finds everyone well and happy.

Well, I guess I should share the big news if you haven't already heard it. Ready? Are you sitting down? I'm moving back to North Carolina.

Now before you shit yourself and call me screaming, please know two things. One, I am moving to Charlotte, which I loved when I was back there anyways. I am not...I repeat, NOT moving back to High Point. Secondly, it is because of love. Yes, my friends, I went on vacation to go to my friend's wedding and ended up meeting my soul mate. You okay? You still doing alright? I can hear your thoughts now, "You said you hated living back there! You don't believe in soul mates! I thought you were Ms. I Want To Be On My Own." Well, I thought so too. Let me remind you again, I am moving to Charlotte first of all. Thanks to Eylin, I got to spend time there and loved it...even thought about moving there a few times, but never really put forth the effort. My family and friends back there thought I should move there, as it's much more conducive to me and the things I enjoy. I guess I just had to move 3,000 miles away, come back for a visit, and fall madly in love to get it right.

So the falling in love part. Yes my friends, I finally get it. And yes, I have been converted to a believer in soul mates. It's such a long and beautiful story, but I'll try to summarize it the best this yammer-mouthed girl can do.

I flew in for Eylin and Steve's wedding weekend bonanza on Friday, August 8th. It was a grand ol' night hanging with my dearest Eylin, her man, her son, their families, and finally meeting her best friend I've always heard about for 12 years, yet never met. There was a lot of wine and a lot of bonding, and a big ass hangover the next day. Saturday was their fantastic pre-wedding BBQ (or "cookout" as you Southerners like to call it) where the theme was Pantone 229 Blue, 80's or Sci-Fi. So about 200 people came throughout the day, mainly dressed in blue, while about 10 of us braved our own version of the 80's. I went for the, "Hey! I'm the supposedly hip, I'm a cool chick, soccer mom" look complete with a hideous hot pink Hawaiian print dress with skinny belt, pastel makeup, and side ponytail in a scrunchie. And yes, they unfortunately still sell scrunchies. There was some cool costumes, but Liz, I gotta give you credit for being the best dressed by far.

I get over my hangover by drinking more wine, some unfortunately which was very no bueno. And then the boy walks out the kitchen door past my post at the patio table. He was gorgeous with a red shirt, black hat with black curls hanging out from under the hat, and a cane. I was smitten instantly. I asked Eylin, "Who's the hot guy with the cane?" She told me his name was Pete and that he was one of Steve's friends and is really cool. I kept on hanging out, but would continuously glance over his way off in the corner. He had this smile that made me want to know him.

As the day turned into night, Eylin came up to me and asked if I'd met him yet, which I told her I hadn't. The woman grabs my hand, leads me to a dark half moon of men near the grill, introduces me to all of them, including Pete, and then says, "Hey Pete, tell Heather how you messed up your leg!" and walks away. He tells me about his skateboarding accident, and that my friends, was the beginning of a new and beautiful life. I have never been able to talk so easily with someone and have it reciprocated. When I left I told him I was in town for another week and asked him out, so we made a date for Wednesday.

Long story, short, our first date shifted and ended up being the next day for Eylin and Steve's wedding. On our first date we were asked by the groom (loudly in front of their friends) if we wanted go ahead and make it official while their officiant was still there, and later I "we"ed us. Our original first date ended up being our third date. And then we were in in for the long haul. He met my family. I met his friends. We laughed all the time, held hands, kissed, spilled our hearts, souls, and skeletons to each other, and in the end we wanted this to keep going. We knew this was the real thing, and this was it for us. I have way less to lose than he does by me moving there, so it was an easy decision. Not to mention that my mom and my sister and her family, are only an hour and a half away, and I also already have friends there. And the weather is awesome. The gray skies that have moved back in will not be missed. By the end of our week and a half together, we had professed our love for each other. I know it sounds fast, but my god, when you know, you know. I've never been so sure of anything in all my life!

It is so easy to love each other and be together. And yes, you may think the distance helps make it easy, but no. I've done the long distance thing before and it typically complicates the situation. It doesn't with us. It's still so easy. Talking for hours a day on top of texts and emails doesn't hurt either. Neither does an immense amount of laughter, honesty and trust. We are absolutely on the same page of how we feel about each other, how we love each other, and what we want from our lives and future together. He is the most kind, funny, beautiful, giving, caring, open, honest man I have ever known. And to be honest, I think the years of time off I took really helped me and taught me so much about myself and what type of person I wanted to be in a relationship. It is so healthy, honest and fun, it's amazing.

There is no official move date yet, but we are planning for November. I'm going out there next weekend, and then he's coming out in November to come get me, briefly meet everyone and see the city, then drive back with me to take me to my new home and my new life. I cannot wait. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I can sit still with him. Absolutely. I don't have my next city, my next move, planned in my head. He is home to me, and whether we stay in Charlotte forever, or run away together to some far off or close by land, he will continue to be home. I think I've found what it is I've been looking for all these years in moving about. Or maybe I just found it at a time where I was already willing to call truce on my own life and moving habits and just stop. Maybe he just got me at the right time, as I did him? Either way it doesn't matter why or how. I like to tell him how when I first met him it felt like, "Oh! There you are." Like I'd found someone I'd always been with, but had lost for a bit at the party.

The man is my best friend and the most amazing, awe inspiring man I've ever met. And every day we both tell each other how lucky we are to have each other. And I know that we are each other's future. My friends, my chapter of wandering about, looking for life and love is over because I found it. I think pieces were always there within myself, but Pete brings it out in me and makes me see the truth of it all. He was just the missing link to bring it all together.

I finally get my "Happily Ever After".

(Curtain falls)