ABOUT THE UTERUS
Just a quick note. The last entry was not me saying I wanted a baby NOW! I was just enjoying a bit too much white wine and contemplating my life, babies and the boy. Age and hormones can do nasty things to your mind, particularly when you're sipping the vino. I'm sure I'll remain barren, yet happy for quite some time if not always. ;0)
UTERAN WOES OF A 36-YEAR OLD WOMAN
It's been a long time. Too long, in fact. There have been things to talk about, but for some reason this new sense of privacy has taken over in my life. Maybe it's the fact that a couple of blogs ago I was busted by the person I talked about. It was an obvious Google incident, but imagine my surprise when a comment in the form of an apology showed up on my blog. So yeah, I've been keeping my life fairly hush hush with the exception of a few chosen ones whom I think are screaming, "Why me???" I apologize to those who've had to endure the chaos of my life. So instead of backtracking and sharing my own self-pity, which has taken a sharp turn to the right and self-adjusted, I choose to move on. And what do I move on to? Babies.
I just hung up with my friend, Vanessa. Vanessa, is about to shoot out her daughter in the next couple of weeks. At the rate it's going, I call March 9th. When I left Seattle, I had four pregnant friends. Two have had their daughters, one early and I have two more due in the next couple of months and now two more friends have secretly announced their pregnancies. Can you tell where this is going? Yes, my uterus is aching.
It's really quite odd to me, in that I think my uterus is schizophrenic. I'm not sure why this is surprising considering I am geographically schizophrenic. Of course it's like birds flying South for the Winter, and it moves to my southern bits. Damn migration! So when I was married and what you'd think would be a time to consider kids, we actually only spoke of them I think three times. Once was before we moved in together and we said we wanted them "someday"; the second time was probably some drunken conversation I don't remember, but I know happened; and the third time was in 2000 when we moved to Arizona an decided we would try in a year. Thing is, instead of having a kid, we split up at that year marker. No biggie, it was for the best.
Since then it was never something I thought of much. My last serious relationship, we briefly talked of children, but it was never something we planned. Then I turned 35 and went through the biological shit that turns your innards out and makes you want to kidnap children. I began to even contemplate being unsafe with sex just so I could get a baby out of it and never tell the father. Some would say this was evil, but it was just hormones. Not to mention considering it never happened, it's no big deal. Now I find myself in a new position. I find myself in love with a man whom is AMAZING in general, yet really amazing with children. So much so that when I see him with my niece, my uterus hurts. No seriously, it does. He is so good with kids and it blows me away. Tonight he started writing a "No Moking" (what my niece says to me about my smoking) song that will include Kylee and then be sent off to www.true.com so she can terrify smokers with her cuteness for her aunties's well-being. I love how he is with kids. I love HIM. I have to say we have had some really rough patches since moving out here, but we're on the other side of that hump and all is beautiful now, and now my stupid uterus aches again. It'd almost be better with the chaos, as eggs and chaos don't mix. And as my friends start their first chute preparation or are recovering from their second or third luge competition, I sit here and wonder, "Will that be me?"
Maybe it's never supposed to happen. Maybe I'm supposed to not mess with my physique, but my god, when you have the physique of a snowman does it really matter? I'm really not messing anything up. If anything, I'm giving my fat some excuses! At least I could say, "Yeah, I have some snowman going on, but I only have muffin due to my child."
I don't know. I'm going to be 37 this year, and while many of my friends remind me I'm not too old yet, I have to remember that I have a boyfriend who is 5 years younger than me and says, "Maybe in the future." My junk don't work in the first place, will delaying it really help? I don't know. I try to tell myself and my boyfriend that if it never happens, that it's okay because I have great love. But then I catch a glimpse of him playing Barbies, or envision him skating with his son, and all that goes out the window. I try to remind myself that I am an Auntie umpteenth amounts over with my friend's children, but I'm not where the children are, so I really can't use that one. I don't know what to think, but for now I relish in some goodness, a great step-dog and some hearty gas that could pass as labor.
I just hung up with my friend, Vanessa. Vanessa, is about to shoot out her daughter in the next couple of weeks. At the rate it's going, I call March 9th. When I left Seattle, I had four pregnant friends. Two have had their daughters, one early and I have two more due in the next couple of months and now two more friends have secretly announced their pregnancies. Can you tell where this is going? Yes, my uterus is aching.
It's really quite odd to me, in that I think my uterus is schizophrenic. I'm not sure why this is surprising considering I am geographically schizophrenic. Of course it's like birds flying South for the Winter, and it moves to my southern bits. Damn migration! So when I was married and what you'd think would be a time to consider kids, we actually only spoke of them I think three times. Once was before we moved in together and we said we wanted them "someday"; the second time was probably some drunken conversation I don't remember, but I know happened; and the third time was in 2000 when we moved to Arizona an decided we would try in a year. Thing is, instead of having a kid, we split up at that year marker. No biggie, it was for the best.
Since then it was never something I thought of much. My last serious relationship, we briefly talked of children, but it was never something we planned. Then I turned 35 and went through the biological shit that turns your innards out and makes you want to kidnap children. I began to even contemplate being unsafe with sex just so I could get a baby out of it and never tell the father. Some would say this was evil, but it was just hormones. Not to mention considering it never happened, it's no big deal. Now I find myself in a new position. I find myself in love with a man whom is AMAZING in general, yet really amazing with children. So much so that when I see him with my niece, my uterus hurts. No seriously, it does. He is so good with kids and it blows me away. Tonight he started writing a "No Moking" (what my niece says to me about my smoking) song that will include Kylee and then be sent off to www.true.com so she can terrify smokers with her cuteness for her aunties's well-being. I love how he is with kids. I love HIM. I have to say we have had some really rough patches since moving out here, but we're on the other side of that hump and all is beautiful now, and now my stupid uterus aches again. It'd almost be better with the chaos, as eggs and chaos don't mix. And as my friends start their first chute preparation or are recovering from their second or third luge competition, I sit here and wonder, "Will that be me?"
Maybe it's never supposed to happen. Maybe I'm supposed to not mess with my physique, but my god, when you have the physique of a snowman does it really matter? I'm really not messing anything up. If anything, I'm giving my fat some excuses! At least I could say, "Yeah, I have some snowman going on, but I only have muffin due to my child."
I don't know. I'm going to be 37 this year, and while many of my friends remind me I'm not too old yet, I have to remember that I have a boyfriend who is 5 years younger than me and says, "Maybe in the future." My junk don't work in the first place, will delaying it really help? I don't know. I try to tell myself and my boyfriend that if it never happens, that it's okay because I have great love. But then I catch a glimpse of him playing Barbies, or envision him skating with his son, and all that goes out the window. I try to remind myself that I am an Auntie umpteenth amounts over with my friend's children, but I'm not where the children are, so I really can't use that one. I don't know what to think, but for now I relish in some goodness, a great step-dog and some hearty gas that could pass as labor.
