The Chronicles

So here we are exactly three months since Pete and I broke up. Not that I was counting, but I just noticed the date and realized that. So odd as in many ways it feels like it all just happened yesterday, likely because the chaos continues to haunt my life in very real ways. Hopefully it is truly dead and buried at this point.

Being that it's been a VERY rough three months, I had hardly thought about the fact that it has also been three months since I've had sex. Okay, yes...oooo gross. Heather has a vagina! Yes, yes I do. If my brother or my friend Sean are reading this, I assume they have turned off the computer by now and are assuming their positions of vomiting into a garbage can. I'm human, as are you and we all have naughty bits and we all have sex, so just shut it, okay?

Anyways, I realized it's been three months since I've had sex. It's been a long time since it's been that long. Not since my 2-year abstinence phase have I gone this long. It's really been no big deal since it's been the last thing on my mind, but then a couple of days ago it hit me...I haven't had sex in forever...I miss it. I really, really miss it. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to go back to the old, evil ways of my youth and be all promiscuous or anything. I don't miss sex just for sex. I miss sex with someone you love. I really, really miss that. And being that this last relationship really threw me for a loop and caused a lot of damage, I feel pretty scared of relationships in general right now, yet alone sex. It's really too bad too since I'm the skinniest I've been since junior high and getting naked wouldn't be so intimidating. This is my poor attempt at humor. ;0)

I wonder if it will ever happen again...a relationship, and in turn sex? I wonder if I'll find anyone who isn't totally fucked up who is also patient enough to walk with me through my fears that have been built after this last bout of relationship hell? I'm at a point that I'm okay with my life if it doesn't happen ever again. I have loved before and some was great, great love before it turned into sick love. And at least I had a duration of great, intense love because that's more than what a lot of people get in life. If I'm single from here on out, so be it. I have SO much love in my life, so many amazing, inspiring, loving friends, and an awesome family. And as far as sex...god bless the vibrator, right? Of course, vibrators can't hold you at night or laugh with you or hold your hand while you take a walk. However, if someone comes up with one that does, you let me know. I'm sure it would be quite a sight, but hey...once again, at least it's emotionally safe.

I can remain hopeful that someday I'll be in a place where I'm not afraid of getting hurt again, and end up with some amazing man, but I'm also getting older and I'm not sure that's realistic to think I can find that. I hope I'm proven wrong, but just in case, I just need to accept that this hoo-hah may have unintentionally shut down for business. And if the hoo-hah is dead, it deserves a proper service. And with that, I give you its euology.

EULOGY OF A HOO-HAH
Here lies Heather's hoo-hah. Hoo-hah had many ups and downs (and ins and outs), but all in all it was a good hoo-hah (we're not going to blame the cramps and ovary issues on you). Heather's hoo-hah had an active life, but also had many spiritual sabaticals. Alas, it died young. Much, much younger than what it thought it'd die.

Heather's hoo-hah had many an adventure, and we've all read the stories of the friends it met and the objects it tried to steal. Oh, that silly hoo-hah... I'm sure we all remember it most from the banana incident, but we won't go there. Hoo-hah had so much life in it, and surely had much more life to live. Hoo-hah died of a broken heart, or perhaps it simply shut down out of fear? Either way it's gone, or at the very least in a very deep sleep.

Heather's hoo-hah enjoyed the outdoors. Though it rarely saw it, it enjoyed the sounds of nature. It was not very friendly when doing pilates, and sometimes screamed when doing the jack knife. Hoo-hah was an avid fan of urinating when laughing too hard and prefered OB tampons over other brands.

Hoo-hah will be missed, at least by some, especially by Heather. Thank you for the memories hoo-hah...you gave us many stories, many laughs, and luckily no STD's. Rest in peace and may the force be with you. Let us now sing a song to put hoo-hah to rest.

Oh coo, rest your eyes,
No more men between your thighs.
Oh coo, go to sleep,
Hush now, we don't hear a peep.
Oh coo, you had your fun,
Now it's over you're oh so done.

Good-bye hoo-hah. We now lay you to rest.