The Heather Chronicles

I can't believe tomorrow is Thanksgiving! I'm amazed at how fast the years fly by as I get older, and the reality of that always seems to hit once the holidays start showing up. I know tomorrow is supposed to be the day to give thanks for all we have in our life even though we should do this every day (I for one definitely need to work on this), so in true Thanksgiving tradition I thought it best to list the things, both big and small, that I'm thankful for. Maybe it's simply needed to remind me of this through what's been a really difficult four months. So let's get on with it, shall we?

I AM THANKFUL FOR....

My Crazy Family - They are loving and supportive and always entertaining. While we can fight and have our ups and downs, we are great at making up quickly and moving on. My friend always says, "Your famiy is crazy, but you all really love each other," and it's true! And my family is a legend of it's own with all our crazy stories and incidents. Life in my family is certainly never boring, and it's always full of love. And a separate thanks for my niece Kylee who reminds me that life should be simple, loving and playful, and that having a creative imagination is a good thing. And nothing tops those little arms hugging you and saying, "I love you Auntie."

My Absolutely Amazing Friends - I am so blown away that everywhere I move I'm blessed with quite possibly the most fantastic people that live in that area. Despite the distance and years it's been since I've seen some of my friends, as soon as we finally do email or talk, it's like no time has passed and we appreciate what time we do get from each other. And those that are constantly close in my life, thank you. I would be insane and most likely a mess without you all. Thank you for remembering that friendship is a two-way street and that you don't give up on me if you don't hear back right away, and know I will call or email when I can. Thank you to those that have been there so much through the last four months through a very new, foreign, painful experience. Thank you for pushing me forward, lovingly calling me on my shit, and making me remember that loving a very sick, alcoholic person is nothing I need to deal with...ever. Thank you for time after time reminding me that I just need to work on me, and that I don't have to let another person take me down because they don't have that kind of control over me...only I can take myself down. Thank you for reminding me I can separate myself from the drama and chaos, that I can get through the hurt and that I'm deserving of way more than what I tolerated for too long, and now it's my time. Thank you so much for inspiring me, believing in me, calling me on my crap, and not letting me fall too hard. And thank you friends, for always making me laugh! There is always an adventure, and I'm glad I get to have these with you all.

Children- While I wish I had a child of my own, I don't think that's necessarily in store for me in my life. However, between my niece and all my friends' kids, I'm an Auntie over and over. I'm grateful for making clothespin reindeer with Kylee and making them look like someone smacked the back of their head. I'm grateful I got to take Alex to his first concert and for all the Twister games I had with him and Ella. I'm grateful that I got to see Michelle's oldest born and be a part of such an amazing, personal, beautiful experience. I'm grateful to have Finn be such a cool kid and for when I get to hang with him and for the fact that he has it more together than I do and gives awesome advice. I'm grateful for the new babies, Bennet and Nate. I hope to get to know Nate soon, and I'm so grateful that Eylin actually trusts me with her baby and lets me hold her whenever I want. She is such a cuddler and always makes the bad days better. I'm grateful for my friends' children back home. I wish I could know them better, but hopefully someday I will. And for those that I did get to know before I moved, I'm so grateful for that time, and that you all are such wonderful parents! Thank you for letting me teach them armpit farts, poo jokes, and all other inappropriate things they typically don't learn until school

Therapy- Think what you may, but I think therapy is useful for anyone and everyone. I need not go into it further than that.

Girls Nights - I am so beyond grateful for Tuesday night Girls' Night. Thank you Flowers Girls! And now I have a new Girls Night on Sundays doing The Artists Way with some other girlfriends. I think the Universe has obviously made it clear that I needed that unity with my girlfriends.

A Clean Room - I know this sounds stupid, but I love having a clean room. I know I'm the one who cleans it, but still...I'm grateful for it. I love that it is my sanctuary and my peaceful time, and has lots of light. I like light.

Music - I love music, and am so thankful there is so much great music out there that touches my heart, helps me cry or scream or dance. And I'm grateful that my friends know me well enough to suggest new bands or burn me CD's of what they love.

My Health - I've been sick a lot in my past and had a lot of health scares and misdiagnosis. I'm grateful that all in all I've been pretty healthy. I've been taking care of myself much more and am thankful that nothing outside of stress vomiting has hit me for a very long time. I'm working out a lot, eating well for the most part, am stronger and healthier than I have been in a very long time, and I am grateful that I want to go further and set healthy goals in my life.

My Sense of Humor - I don't know what's up with the crazy shit that seems to always be running through my head, but it keeps me entertained. I'm grateful that I can laugh and find humor in the simplest, most mundane things. I'm grateful that I know I can grow up, but can still laugh about farting, or can find the funny in something that may be overlooked from others. And in all of this appreciation for my humor, I'm grateful that I can laugh at myself. It takes away a lot of pain and shame and reminds me I'm just human and helps me get over a lot of crap. And falling will always be funny whether you do it or I do it.

My Job - It's not some fantastic career or anything, but I enjoy my job, and I work with the greatest group of folks. And I'm grateful I've learned to separate work from home and have learned how to leave work at work. This could have saved me years of grief had I learned this a while back, but at least I have it down now. And I'm thankful that I have learned that I am not my job. I'm not defined by it. I'm not better than or less than anyone because of what I do. It's simply something that pays the bills. And in this day and age I'm very grateful to simply have a job. If you hate your job, just remember that no matter what...you have one...be thankful.

Security - I live paycheck to paycheck and it's stressful and scary sometimes, but I have to remember that at least I can pay my bills. I am not in collections, I am not homeless, and I am able to feed myself and go out sometimes. I make sacrifices in not getting to indulge in nice dinners, new clothes or nice creams or conditioners like I used to, but those are luxuries, not necessities.

Lessons Learned or Am Learning - In my most recent relationship I stayed too long and didn't walk away when I should have and it led to me being reactive from being hurt over and over, but now I know not to stay when I'm being treated like shit, and not to let myself be in something that is so destructive that I let myself fall apart and weaken. I have learned some hard lessons from this, but at least I've learned them and have been open to seeing my part. I am grateful that I have grown from whom I used to be, and am growing from who I became with Pete, and learning how to get back to my old self, but with more strength, healing and self-assurance. I'm grateful that I'm open enough in my life to see my part and learn my lessons, and I'm SO grateful for Eylin who constantly reminds me when I start crying, that other people are not for me to figure out and question why, but that I can only figure myself out and grow and work on me.

Sunshine - I know I said I was going to move back to Seattle in the spring, folks, but I can't right now. I have some other plans in the works and plus I have become spoiled by the weather. The gray days we've been having off and on are reminding me of how much I do not miss the weather back home. I can deal with the cold if there's sunshine, and for the most part NC gets a lot of sunshine.

Being A Magnet to Oddities - I'm so thankful for all the weird stuff I see, encounter, endure, or overhear. It started long ago and hasn't stopped, and it keeps life interesting and oh so entertaining.

Love - See friends and family for more on being grateful for the love I have for them, but I'm also grateful I have had love in my past, both recent and long ago. It's not necessarily that it's been great or healthy relationships through their entireties, but at least I loved. Each time I fall in love I take the lessons from the past relationships and try to learn and incorporate those lessons. I'm never going to be perfect...no one will be, but at least I'm not content in sitting still with blinders on. And as Vanessa told me after all the hell from this last summer, at least I was brave enough to try. And it's true. I've put my heart out there and ran with it. There's been greatness, and there's been pain, but at least I wasn't afraid to see where love would take me. I had the new love fearlessness down, now it's time to get the "walk away when it's destructive" down.

Yummy Food - I am grateful for yummy pizza, good cheese served with crackers and fruit, sushi, Thai food, Vietnamese food, yogurt with granola, clementines, pomegranates, small green apples, diet peach iced tea, turkey burgers with cranberry mayo at the place next door to The Highland Inn, fried plantains, ice cream, Annie’s Organic white cheddar wheat pasta with tuna and peas, tapas, Americanos, mojitos, good red wine, Pirates Booty, my beloved Mango Sorbet from Trader Joes, and while on that subject, I am SO grateful that I can buy cheap, good food at Trader Joes. And more than any of these, I'm grateful for a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup...that can make any day better, and any bad mood lighten…my true, true comfort food.

Scented lotions - I just love fruity smelling lotions. Enough said.

Entertaining Underwear - I know this is stupid, but I'm really grateful for my South Park, Pink Panther, Sesame Street and Poop & Pee panties. They always make me smile when I go to the bathroom and remember I'm wearing them. They're like a surprise in my pants!

Target - I simply just love Target. It makes me happy.

Living By My Heart & Taking Risks -While doing so has often bit me in the ass, it has also brought me greatness. It's made me move all over the place and in turn I've had some interesting jobs with interesting stories, amazing experiences, crazy stories, and led me to meet some fantastic people who became dear friends and still keep in touch. It's led me to love, pain, mistakes, growth, beautiful locales, weird incidents, great stories, new experiences, great friends, great memories, lots of road trips and getting to see this country time and time again, and taught me how to not be afraid of many things. And in turn, this all has created who I am, and I'm grateful for that.

Memories - There are bad memories...things I wish I could erase, but more than the bad memories, I have lots of good memories and lots of adventures in my past and I look forward to many more and that I get to create new memories with my amazing friends and family.

Various Other Things I'm Grateful For - Not being afraid to dance like an idiot, cute animals, good movies, an open mind, a kind and loving heart, nature, being able to cry from pain or laughing too hard, enjoying a simple night with friends or family, sitting on my mom's dock and drinking coffee in the morning or a glass of wine at night while staring at the lake, sunsets and sunrises, new experiences, possibilities, crazy and vivid dreams, a love for writing, really good books, wanting to better myself, hand sanitizer, rare moments of riding in shopping carts or pushing someone in them, giggling at silly things, the rare hot bath, showers, new toiletries, the couple of weeks I don't have a period, photos that capture my past and my friends and remind me of the greatness in life, pajamas, slippers, that I'm not afraid to wear slippers in public, the smell of bleach and fabric softener, that no matter what I have always had a roof over my head, friends and family that take care of me when I need it, the generosity of others, people who hold the door for me, when strangers say "hello", hugs instead of handshakes, when my room is warm, walks outside, Swedish Fish, Sour Patch Kids, Halloween and costumes, muppets, the fact that my generation had the best kids shows, postcards, hand-written notes, the new iso foam Aquafresh toothpaste, that my jeans finally fit well or are a little loose, my fake Uggs that are like acceptable slippers, taking risks, coupons, that flannel is back, that while I have horrible self-image...I love my eyes and my freckles.

So with that, I shall end this. Wow! This is way more than I thought it was going to be, which I guess says a lot! Whenever I think my life sucks, please remind me of this. Please remind me that when I sat down and let my heart pour out, it's quite obvious I have a lot to be grateful for, and have a pretty damned good life.

Happy Thanksgiving to Everyone! Thank you all for being a piece of my past, my present, and for being a piece of what lays ahead in the future.

So much love to all of you,
Heather McDuffin, The Egg McMuffin

When I lived in Gold Bar, I had an hour commute minimum each way to work. I drove through what used to be some fairly small towns that lined the two-lane highways from the base of the Cascades to downtown Bellevue. Many of them have grown significantly though (Duvall), as housing spilled out further and further to house all the Microsoft employees. I would often listen to the controversial Tom Leykis on my way home from work during my long drive. He drove me crazy most of the time, but sometimes it was true entertainment. I remember one time when Tom was talking about "masticating" and saying how he masticates all the time...that he was going to masticate with a banana as he talked right then. An irate dweller of Duvall, which I'd just driven through, called in and flipped out about him talking about masticating. I laughed and then cursed Duvall in the same moment. The caller continued to rant about mastication being a sin. Tom told the guy that he knows for a fact the caller masticates. The man became even more irate and swore he did not and continued to rant and rave about the bible and sinning and mastication, then hung up. Tom never even told him he was flipping out about chewing food.

This leads me to today's blog. I have a mastication deficiency...I apparently don't chew my food very well. I just went to the bathroom and went to flush and found a lone 1/4 of a sweet potato fry free-floating about as if it'd just been dropped on accident while eating over the toilet. I shook my head and reminded myself to take my time to chew rather than snarf down everything whole, and then I remembered the greatest example of why I need to chew my food...the grapefruit incident.

It was the second round living in Phoenix and I was working for a theatre company. Our General Manager was always bringing in lemons, oranges and grapefruit from her cocktail tree. We'd all eat lunch together at the back table and make fun of each other and tell stories and laugh...lunch was good times. One day when Linda, the General Manager, brought in her grapefruit, she peels it and starts taking it apart in wedges like an orange. I had never in my life seen this before. I was fascinated. I hadn't even considered you COULD eat a grapefruit like an orange. I commented that I never had thought about eating grapefruit like that and she informed me this is how she always ate it like this. And then she took it a step further and began peeling the skin that enveloped the grapefruit innards, threw the skin on her paper towel and ate the grapefruit guts...and knowing Linda she probably squirted grapefruit juice on her white shirt and loudly exclaimed, "OH FUCK!" and laughed.

"What in the hell are you doing, " I asked her.

She looked amused, "I hate the pulp on it and the flavor is better this way. Try it!" And I did and it was truly awesome.

When Linda brought in grapefruit, from there on lunch would consist of massacring our grapefruit until only a wedge of guts connected by the harder skin on the bottom would remain and we'd pop it into our mouth. I believe others started doing so besides just me. It became a lunchtime ritual. It was a healthy snack that was fun for me since I like to play with my food. It was glorious...until that one afternoon when the fun of the grapefruit died for me.

Back in the day before I was constipated all the time, I seemed to instead be sick to my stomach all the time. About an hour after eating lunch and a grapefruit this particular day, I felt the storm brewing in my tummy. I grabbed my stomach and half-walked/half-ran down the hallway to the bathroom we shared with the other tenants on our floor. There were only two stalls in this bathroom and luckily no one was in either of them. I sat down and did my business in a very violent way, wiped, stood up to flush, and that's when I saw it.

"Oh my god...what IS that?" I muttered as I leaned over the toilet bowl to investigate.

Something was swimming in the toilet, and it was not poo.

I was completely freaked and leaned in closer as it made its way across the bowl, then bounce off the side and circle around. Whatever it was, it was alive. Oh my god, I shat something alive! This is not good. This is in fact really bad. What could I have eaten that was alive and about 2-1/2 inches long? Seriously, it was HUGE in terms of foreign objects in the toilet. I was scared. I was shaking. I leaned in even closer to check it out more. It was kind of pinkish orange and white and after staring at it a while I realized it had tentacles! Oh god, I shat something that is swimming with tentacles! What could it be? There was only one answer in my mind, and it wasn't a squid...I had obviously been carrying around a parasite for quite some time and finally released it out of my body. How did I get this? Were there siblings inside me? Should I take it out of the toilet and go to the doctor?

Someone walked in to the bathroom, paused for a moment as they likely wondered why my feet were facing the wrong way, and walked into the stall. For a moment I felt compelled to ask if they would come and take a look at this little sea creature I had purged, but decided that could do no good whatsoever. So I just stared at it and contemplated what to do. That is when I noticed it only had tentacles on one side, and they looked familiar to me. And the color and shape kind of looked like.... It wasn't a parasite at all.

The toilet next to me flushed and aloud I whispered, "Oh my god, I crapped an entire grapefruit wedge."

This morning when I saw that lone fry in the bowl, I thought of the day when terror entered my heart and I thought I had a parasite, but I simply hadn't chewed my food well and in turn shat an undigested, skinned grapefruit wedge. I obviously haven't learned my lesson yet.

I'm trying to win my niece some concert tickets to see Miley Cyrus (yes, I know, but she loves Miley and I love my niece). So they're having this local contest where people have to enter their bad first time concert experience. I called my sister immediately to tell her and she'd already heard about it and at the same time, we both say, "Kenny Rogers". The following is a tale from my childhood. A tale of terror. A tale of Kenny Rogers.

My family was on its first and last cross country trip together from our home outside of Seattle to see my mother’s family in North Carolina. It was two weeks in a wood-paneled station wagon with no air conditioning in the summer of 1983. I was 10, my sister was 9, and my brother was 5, and my parents were in Hell as we sweated through the heat and the screams from us kids that we were touching each other or crossing over imaginary lines on our side of the seat. When the movie Vacation came out, we laughed so hard as Chevy Chase was our dad in taking us to every stupid tourist trap he could find, which a child cannot appreciate, but we all now look back and laugh on.

By the time we reached Springfield, Illinois that fateful day, my poor mother looked like a prisoner of war – hair disheveled, dark circles under her eyes. She would cringe in fear every time one of us children uttered a single word…fearful that our father would once again threaten to “turn this car around right now” if we didn’t shut up and even more fearful that he really would, and then the hell she’d been put through for a week already would not bring her back to North Carolina to see her sister where she would end up staying for a month alone to “help with her mother’s surgery”…I think it was simply to recover from the vacation.

So we’re driving through Springfield, Illinois that day with no intention of stopping when as we drove by some arena, my mother started screaming. We were all scared because for once it was actually quiet and we were sure she’d finally snapped. And then we realized what was happening….”Oh my gosh, KENNY ROGERS!!!!” Yes, Kenny Rogers was playing Springfield that very night, and ever since I could remember my mother was in love with him. His music always filled our house and all of us kids knew all the songs since he was always playing. Looking back I think it was like when the Feds tried to drive out the Branch Dividians in Waco, TX by playing Barry Manilow…she was hoping we would finally flee and leave her in peace. The next few minutes was my mom begging my father to stay the night there so she could go to the concert. He was hesitant because of money and the unexpected stay cutting into our time and such. As I faintly recall, bickering ensued and my mother said how she deserved this and she wanted to do something she wanted to do, not go see the world’s largest drug store or have to deal with screaming kids, etc. So my dad agreed and they began looking for a hotel for us to stay at that night. I think there was even talk about leaving us kids behind at the hotel since I was 10 and often babysat us, but I may be wrong on that. A search for a decent motel or hotel came up empty. There were conventions in town and everything was booked. My mother was so upset and my father finally caved and bought tickets for the whole family to see Kenny Rogers. We were less than thrilled…we were crying.

The time for the show arrives and I saw a whole new side of my mother that night…the side that is the crazy fan. She was bouncing around with excitement the moment we got in there. She bought her Kenny Rogers t-shirt the moment she walked in and quickly ran to the bathroom to change. My brother, sister and I for once stopped fighting and actually bonded together that night as we tried to stay close and avoid the crazy women running amok, namely my mother. My parents led us to our seats which were on the second level. We were in the first row of this section, in basically a large, concrete box. A then unknown Amy Grant at the age of 18, opened up for Kenny Rogers. And then it was time for him. The lights went out and we heard it…”Lady….” My mother starts screaming. “I’m your knight in shining armor…and I love you….” My mother grabbed her chest like she was going to have a heart attack. My sister and I hunched down in embarrassment and my brother looked nothing less than terrified.

Throughout the show my mother proceeded to act like those teenage girls you see in old clips from Beatles shows where they scream, cry, and then pass out. One of the most terrifying parts was when she started screaming that she wanted to have his babies. My father actually looked jealous for a moment, and my sister and I tried to see if we could fit under our seats to hide…my brother continued to look scared. And then my mother grabbed one of our blank sketch books we’d brought in to draw in to occupy ourselves, and tore out a bunch of pages, took our crayons and wrote out a giant letter per page so that when each page was put together, it would spell out, “I LOVE YOU KENNY”. My dad shook his head, “Rose, how are you going to put those up?” My mother started looking through her purse and pulled out a pack of gum. “Here kids. Chew it up real fast, and then put it on the back of the paper.” At this point she was so fan crazy we obeyed without a peep. Chew, chew, chew, put on the back of a letter, and then repeat. As each letter had a piece of gum on the back, she’d stick it on the concrete in front of our row until it was all lined up. When it was done, we all likely had developed TMJ and my mother started screaming and pointing at the sign.

“Here Kenny! LOOOOKKKKK! I LOVE YOU!!! I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE YOU!”

The concert couldn’t end fast enough. I think that night united us kids. I believe we all got along a little better the rest of the trip. We’d seen the horrors that we could drive my mother to in order to have a reprieve from our arguing. We can all laugh about it now, but whenever we’re asked, “What was your first concert?” our faces contort into pain when we recall our mother screaming that she wanted to have babies with Kenny Rogers. While all our friends get to claim cool shows as their first, there is some envy. I’ve even laughed when some people shamefully claimed people they now feel embarrassed about having seen because as soon as I tell them mine, they seem relieved at their first experience. I often tell people my first concert was Depeche Mode because while it was my second concert, it was the first one I wanted to see. However, as I get older I find a little more enjoyment that the three of us kids shared a night in Illinois watching my mother act like a nut, giving us all one really great story.

UPDATE - My brother just read this and reminded me that I forgot to mention that Kenny pointed at the sign and smiled. Okay, mom...you got your wish. Your child gum laborers gave you a moment with Kenny, and for that our TMJ is worth it.