The Heather Chronicles

Things have been so busy as of late that I can barely keep track of what day it is, yet alone get anything done it seems. Life has been consumed with working late, school, studying and my new puppy. It’s been a month since all that shit hit the fan with the crazy evicted roommate, but it's thankfully coming to an end with just a few repercussions peeping their heads in. At least we're finally starting to exist in that light at the end of the tunnel that seemed distant not too long ago. I'm flippin' exhausted, mentally and physically, but minus wishing for more time in the day to take care of myself, things are good.

As I run about like a chicken with her head cut off, I've had moments of sheer awe of what has transpired in the last year and where I now sit. In the last year and almost a month I have moved four times, fallen apart, with the help of friends and family and self Humpty was put back together again, am in school to obtain my dream of becoming a massage therapist which I am so in love with (school and my dream fulfilling itself), have a wonderful roommate, a new puppy that is just pure love who is wearing me out, and still have the best friends and family I could ask for. When I think of how much has transpired, I'm amazed at the year and where I am now versus where I was a year ago. With the exception of about 10 pounds, I'm in a much better place than last year.

This last weekend, our weekly Girls Night group went to a cabin outside of Boone for the night and we had an absolute blast - good friends, lots of food, laughter, warrior princess face painting, too much wine, a dance party, and a fire; it was glorious. Not only was I in the woods, which I just love beyond words, but was with inspiring, amazing women whom I love dearly and laugh with often. We cracked up, danced our asses off, had blunt conversations, and of course I cried and then in my wino turnaround tried to go for a nature hike in my pajamas which was hindered with death threats.

That night led to some deep conversation and I see that while I've come far, I still have a long way to go before I'm in the place I should and crave to be. But one thing was evident...it's a hell of a grand and loving ride getting there, and I'm doing so with a decorative face.

A few weeks ago I heard a news story about a woman in Colorado who was driving home late one night and crashed her car; single car accident. When the police showed up she said there had been a vampire in the road and it startled her and she ran off the road. And get this...the woman was stone-cold sober! Maybe crazy, but sober nonetheless.

I texted this to some of my Twilight and True Blood-loving friends here in Charlotte and got into a text conversation with my friend Candice about vampires in Colorado. While we all know vampires aren't real, I still couldn't wrap my head around the concept that of all places in the world, Colorado could even possibly have a vampire residing there. Yes, I know...this is my warped brain taking the illogical and running with it.

You may wonder why in the hell I'd think that a vampire couldn't live in Colorado? Let me explain. While having never been to Colorado, I hear it's stunning and gorgeous. I'm even contemplating checking it out once I'm done with massage school. My friends who've lived there LOVED it. Why wouldn't a vampire? Well, here's the thing...based on what I've heard about Colorado I gather it to be a more progressive, outdoorsy, hippie kind of place...at least in many parts of it. And what do we all know about hippies? Most of them are vegetarian. And what else do we know about hippies? Many smoke weed. Now, I'm not bashing being a hippie, being vegetarian or smoking pot...I adore hippies for one. Secondly, I was vegetarian for many years myself and anyone who knew me in high school knows I smoked my fair share of weed. It's not ripping on that at all; it's just that I can't see a vampire living that lifestyle.

First of all, we're talking about blood suckers. Not very vegetarian. I mean, obviously if some hippie turned into a vampire this would be a life-altering change. They'd HAVE to start drinking blood. This is going to have many repercussions of course since anyone who has been a vegetarian and started eating meat again knows what it does to your tummy...you are plagued by the rhea at first. So here we have a nature-loving hippie now not only forced into a life of needing blood to survive, but they've got diarrhea. A really bad case of diarrhea. No one likes having that, but especially when you know you're going to be going through this for a while due to diet changes.

In addition to eating meat, this hippie vampire now has to kill to get their blood. Besides the hippies gone mad-turned anarchist crazy folk, we all know hippies are pretty chill and non-violent…at least every hippie I’ve known. Now they've become everything that they're against: a blood-eating killing machine with a bad case of the poo-poos. This makes a calm hippie, a violent and frustrated hippie now.

Now let's throw in the weed. This is going to do two things: rev up the appetite for the munchies (being blood) and also making them lazy. This vampire hippie is going to smoke some weed to chill out from their throat-fest of carnivorous debauchery and instead is going to get hungrier. What the hell do vampires snack on? Of course, more blood. So we've aggravated the problem. They're already pissed that they are living a pre-conditioned new lifestyle of drinking blood, killing people, and it's taking a toll on their tummy, but now they want it more because they have the munchies. So their mind starts over-thinking everything since they're totally high and would typically be eating Sun Chips. Instead, all they want is a nice jugular. They need their munchies, but now they're too frickin' stoned to get off their ass and go find themselves a victim and instead start playing Wii. Now they're carnivores, violent, are on the toilet every time they eat, and are now too stoned to go hunt out someone to munch on and they're starving. Can we see we're I'm going with this? The hippie undead would eventually starve to death and rot. Therefore, there will never be vampires in Boulder. Yes, you are safe from the nocturnal undead dear residents of Boulder. The same can be said of hippie zombies.

Now, my friend Candice pointed out that in the show True Blood (which I've never seen), they drink synthetic blood so it could work. Yes, it really could, but we still have the munchies situation. Unless they could get their hands on a hefty supply of the fake blood, they're still going to starve because with all the weed they're smoking, they're going to go through a lot of blood. The only other way I could see vampires in Colorado working out is if when they turned into a vampire, their vegetarianism would hold strong and they in turn would suck the juice out of vegetables like Bunnicula.

Now, you know who would make good vampires? Republicans. Not necessarily all Republicans, but we have to admit that most of the Midwest and the South are Republicans, and along with that, I've never met so many people that hunt in my life as those I've met from the South and Midwest. So we have people who already hunt and eat their hunted's flesh. They'd make awesome vampires, and even better zombies! And isn't True Blood based in Louisiana? SEE! Good places for vampires.

And while I'm on my rant about the prime geographic locations for vampires, let me briefly address the whole Twilight thing. While I get those vampires dig on my hometown of the Pacific Northwest because the overcast weather doesn't show their stupid sparkling, I can honestly tell you that most vampires in the movies seem pretty depressed in the first place. Put them in a constant cloud cover and I'm pretty sure we'd end up with mass suicides of vampires with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

So while we know there are no such things as vampires, should you feel differently and believe in them, move to Colorado to be safe...and hide your carrots just in case.