THE MELTDOWN
October 15. 2007
at 18:26
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
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View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
Okay, so it's not quite a meltdown. I'm fully functioning and can't even cry. I've not thrown anything, cursed anyone out, or yelled. Nothing. I'm just flat out freaked out and frustrated. The weight of the frustration is mounting, and I just need a little hope right now.
On October 13th I had my year anniversary of living in North Carolina. The year seems to have flown by, yet included many lifetimes. I'm not sure how it can be one and the same, but it is. If I end up here another year, I may go insane though. This town is not for me. Though High Point may sound like a tiny, country bumpkin town from what I have written, in all actuality it isn't...at least not in appearances. It's not a city by any means, but it's not a suburb. It's this odd combination that reminds me of a blend of the town you see in the movie Hope Floats, with it's old vacant buildings that are only used twice a year for International Furniture Market, and what is known as "Auto Row" in Seattle off of Highway 99 where it's some cheap low-budget hotels, car dealerships and lots of fast food restaurants. High Point would not be as big as it is if sprawling boonies were not included as part of the town. When Eylin and her son first visited, I remember driving them down Main Street as they gazed at the scenery before them. "It's like the town that time forgot," she whispered. I think she pretty much summed it up with that.
I can't criticize some people for loving it here. There is no traffic, it's cheap, and for many who live here, the quiet lifestyle that provides bowling, a couple of bars, and Wal-Mart viewing, is enough to satisfy them. While I love the city, I also love more rural areas provided that they are near a big city that has culture and entertainment. Unfortunately this is not a place like that. Some have tried to convince me that Winston-Salem and Greensboro can provide that, but I've lived in suburbs bigger than those places. When you go out to the country here, you get stuck behind slow-moving tractors and can sometimes hear the echo of rifles hunting down Bambi in the nearby woods. When you're in the actual town it's slow-moving cars, raging semis, and sometimes ride-on lawn mowers driving to the store. Not for me.
Now, my time here hasn't been completely heinous. I've been able to reconnect with a dear friend from my first stint in Arizona many moons ago and made a couple of other really good friends, of course none live here, but are at least within 30-60 minutes away. I have enjoyed the blue skies, the cheaper cost of living, the opportunity to do extra work in a movie coming out next Spring, and most of all the opportunity to have time with my mom and sister, and to get to know my now 3-year old niece who is just the most precious person in the world to me.
Unfortunately the good things don't make up for the stuff I detest here - the lack of culture, the arts, good food, live music, things to do in general; the fact that I accepted a job before moving out here being promised a certain salary that they reneged on, so the fact that it's cheaper here doesn't matter; the humidity, which has finally gone away after five months of record-breaking Hell; and the narrow-mindedness and chauvinism. Some people this stuff wouldn't bother, but for me it does.
I've been trying to save up to move away, but the salary issue has prevented that. To combat that, I've been trying to find either a new full-time job or at least a second job for some savings money. Neither has panned out yet, but I'm still trying to remain hopeful. It's hard though. I even researched selling my eggs last week out of utter desperation. I figured that since I wasn't using my eggs, maybe someone else could. Unfortunately one of the biggest requirements I couldn't fulfill, which is probably good since having to take drugs to put you in a menopausal state does not sound fun at all! So I keep looking for a new job or a second job. Then today happened, and I feel like I've just absolutely, fucking had it.
It started at 3:30 AM. I've been sleeping with my windows open since it's cooled down at night and feels nice. I'm a fairly light sleeper, so I'm not surprised that I woke up to the echo of a rifle being fired. My eyes flew open and I sat straight up. Was that?
"Prrrreeewwwwwwwww. Prrrrreeeewwwwwwww."
Yes, it was a rifle.
"Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"
Oh, and now we've got a handgun too!
Freaked out for a moment, then saddened that I can now identify the difference in a rifle and a handgun, I contemplated calling the police. I sat waiting for sirens; sure that this would be the next sound to ensue. It wasn't, just more gunfire. I got out of bed and headed to the phone to call the police, and then a thought popped into my mind…one that I'm ashamed of, which proves how tainted I've become.
"Fuck it. Let them kill each other and be done with it." And I drifted off to sleep.
Yes, I know. I'm not proud of this thought. I by no means advocate killing or want anyone dead. I think I've just become so angry at this place and my situation; I'm becoming cold about it. I realized that my thought was not good, and yet another sign that I'm so tainted and just need to get out of here. The guilt sat with me as I went to work this morning. I was telling myself I'm being too hard on this place, and it's just not a good match, but it's not horrible. Then I went to my Staff Meeting.
We were sitting there, five of the six of us, discussing some Developer when my boss mentioned the guy's brother owned "that titty bar." One of the guys's said the name of it, and I mentioned I drive by it each day. My boss then smiles and says, "Maybe you should work there for some extra money, Heather."
I was shocked! I'm a very open minded person, and would brush off a comment like that from one of my friends, but from my boss? In our Staff Meeting? I was really pissed knowing this was a knock at my recent attempt to find a better-paying job or a second job. I sat there, fuming. I hate my job. I hate staff meetings. I've had to sit there and listen to the man call a gay couple "fags" and now he's making sarcastic remarks suggesting I strip to make better money? Done. Done. Done.
I'm wondering how much I can get for a kidney?
On October 13th I had my year anniversary of living in North Carolina. The year seems to have flown by, yet included many lifetimes. I'm not sure how it can be one and the same, but it is. If I end up here another year, I may go insane though. This town is not for me. Though High Point may sound like a tiny, country bumpkin town from what I have written, in all actuality it isn't...at least not in appearances. It's not a city by any means, but it's not a suburb. It's this odd combination that reminds me of a blend of the town you see in the movie Hope Floats, with it's old vacant buildings that are only used twice a year for International Furniture Market, and what is known as "Auto Row" in Seattle off of Highway 99 where it's some cheap low-budget hotels, car dealerships and lots of fast food restaurants. High Point would not be as big as it is if sprawling boonies were not included as part of the town. When Eylin and her son first visited, I remember driving them down Main Street as they gazed at the scenery before them. "It's like the town that time forgot," she whispered. I think she pretty much summed it up with that.
I can't criticize some people for loving it here. There is no traffic, it's cheap, and for many who live here, the quiet lifestyle that provides bowling, a couple of bars, and Wal-Mart viewing, is enough to satisfy them. While I love the city, I also love more rural areas provided that they are near a big city that has culture and entertainment. Unfortunately this is not a place like that. Some have tried to convince me that Winston-Salem and Greensboro can provide that, but I've lived in suburbs bigger than those places. When you go out to the country here, you get stuck behind slow-moving tractors and can sometimes hear the echo of rifles hunting down Bambi in the nearby woods. When you're in the actual town it's slow-moving cars, raging semis, and sometimes ride-on lawn mowers driving to the store. Not for me.
Now, my time here hasn't been completely heinous. I've been able to reconnect with a dear friend from my first stint in Arizona many moons ago and made a couple of other really good friends, of course none live here, but are at least within 30-60 minutes away. I have enjoyed the blue skies, the cheaper cost of living, the opportunity to do extra work in a movie coming out next Spring, and most of all the opportunity to have time with my mom and sister, and to get to know my now 3-year old niece who is just the most precious person in the world to me.
Unfortunately the good things don't make up for the stuff I detest here - the lack of culture, the arts, good food, live music, things to do in general; the fact that I accepted a job before moving out here being promised a certain salary that they reneged on, so the fact that it's cheaper here doesn't matter; the humidity, which has finally gone away after five months of record-breaking Hell; and the narrow-mindedness and chauvinism. Some people this stuff wouldn't bother, but for me it does.
I've been trying to save up to move away, but the salary issue has prevented that. To combat that, I've been trying to find either a new full-time job or at least a second job for some savings money. Neither has panned out yet, but I'm still trying to remain hopeful. It's hard though. I even researched selling my eggs last week out of utter desperation. I figured that since I wasn't using my eggs, maybe someone else could. Unfortunately one of the biggest requirements I couldn't fulfill, which is probably good since having to take drugs to put you in a menopausal state does not sound fun at all! So I keep looking for a new job or a second job. Then today happened, and I feel like I've just absolutely, fucking had it.
It started at 3:30 AM. I've been sleeping with my windows open since it's cooled down at night and feels nice. I'm a fairly light sleeper, so I'm not surprised that I woke up to the echo of a rifle being fired. My eyes flew open and I sat straight up. Was that?
"Prrrreeewwwwwwwww. Prrrrreeeewwwwwwww."
Yes, it was a rifle.
"Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"
Oh, and now we've got a handgun too!
Freaked out for a moment, then saddened that I can now identify the difference in a rifle and a handgun, I contemplated calling the police. I sat waiting for sirens; sure that this would be the next sound to ensue. It wasn't, just more gunfire. I got out of bed and headed to the phone to call the police, and then a thought popped into my mind…one that I'm ashamed of, which proves how tainted I've become.
"Fuck it. Let them kill each other and be done with it." And I drifted off to sleep.
Yes, I know. I'm not proud of this thought. I by no means advocate killing or want anyone dead. I think I've just become so angry at this place and my situation; I'm becoming cold about it. I realized that my thought was not good, and yet another sign that I'm so tainted and just need to get out of here. The guilt sat with me as I went to work this morning. I was telling myself I'm being too hard on this place, and it's just not a good match, but it's not horrible. Then I went to my Staff Meeting.
We were sitting there, five of the six of us, discussing some Developer when my boss mentioned the guy's brother owned "that titty bar." One of the guys's said the name of it, and I mentioned I drive by it each day. My boss then smiles and says, "Maybe you should work there for some extra money, Heather."
I was shocked! I'm a very open minded person, and would brush off a comment like that from one of my friends, but from my boss? In our Staff Meeting? I was really pissed knowing this was a knock at my recent attempt to find a better-paying job or a second job. I sat there, fuming. I hate my job. I hate staff meetings. I've had to sit there and listen to the man call a gay couple "fags" and now he's making sarcastic remarks suggesting I strip to make better money? Done. Done. Done.
I'm wondering how much I can get for a kidney?
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