No, no. Not the dead girl who scares the fuck out of me in the movie. I'm talking a REAL grudge. Actually, as I think about it there's not a lot of difference is there? Both can eat at you; haunt you for all time.
As I said in my other blog, my father came to town this weekend. A piece of me feels like I have to explain the situation, but those who know me already know most of the history; those who don't need not be bored with the details. To sum it up, my father and I don't get along that great. In fact he drives me nutty in a bad way. I typically need mental recouping after being around him for any amount of time. I have to remind myself that being criticized to death; feeling like an utter failure, doesn't mean he's right. I have to sometimes cry, and always remind myself that I'm an adult and though life has not taken the path I often thought it would, I'm proud of what I've overcome; where I've gone; the adventures I've had.
After leaving the first lunchtime meeting with him, I reunited with the family (sans my mom) this evening. My stomach knotted up as I pulled up to my sister's. Then the evening went on. Thing is minus one comment, and still not asking how I've been, it was quite painless. However, I sat on edge waiting to jump the entire time. As I drove home I realized that this no longer is about him. This is about me.
I had this great counselor I used to see about seven years ago. The majority of therapy usually revolved around my marriage at the time, my religious upbringing, and my father. I remember my counselor saying to me that if he had not made a drastic change in his life at this point, without a life-shaking moment, he likely never would. So far it's proven to be fairly true, but that's not for me to worry about. I know that I will never be the ideal daughter to him. I don't believe in his religion, which is a HUGE issue with him. I'm not married or have kids. I'm constantly wandering about, not settling down and living the life that he thinks a woman my age is supposed to live. I KNOW how he feels about it. What I realized as I drove home tonight is that I have to let go of how he feels and fully embrace the life I've chosen. I've got to stop carrying this grudge I carry about how he's always treated me. By not being absolutely confident in my choices...my life...I'm disabling myself and all I'm doing is proving him right.
Now this isn't about proving anyone right or wrong. It's about feeling good about myself and my life and not letting his opinions sway that. I have nothing but support and love from my friends and the rest of my family, which amounts to a lot. It's funny that only one person can rattle my foundation so much, but I'm letting him. I remember about three years ago seeing another counselor during a very rough period of my life. I stopped seeing her after three months because she kept blaming my parents for everything bad in my life. I do agree that how we are raised highly contributes to who you are, but after three months of listening to this woman blame and blame and blame, I realized that no matter what happened, I'm an adult now. I can choose what I want to do with that. I can either sit around and blame them, or I can say "I don't have to be this kind of person because I have a say in the matter" and make the strides to move forward. I see that when I'm around my father I fall back into blame mode. I feel like a piece of shit and then get pissed at him. I can do this when he's just sitting there!
Tonight I realized I'm done. I have to let go of this shit. My dad is not a bad human being. I do love him. And whatever kind of father he was or is, I don't have to keep being pissed. I choose instead to just know this is how he is, and it doesn't mean he's right. I'm an adult and I love the life I've lived. There are definitely things I'd change, but even those things I'd change would still leave me as the kind person he couldn't understand. I choose to knock this shit off and not let it stomp on my happiness because at this point I'm letting it stomp on my happiness. It's time to be free of this and try to accept the simplest of common ground we can find.
It's time to shake this grudge. I'm tired of being haunted.
***Update****
11/3/07
In letting this go I had a really great day with my family today. Probably one of the best ones I've had with him. Freedom is just a shift in perspective I guess.
