My niece had visited Santa last weekend and in true Auntie fashion, had sent out the picture to some friends. Erin responded how her pictures of Santa were always her crying and screaming. This set off an idea in my head. I would go get my picture taken with Santa and pretend to cry or scream. It was beautiful! It was brilliant! I thought of the laughs this would bring. So I called my sister to ask if she would join me. She informed me she was creeped out about sitting on Santa's lap, but could take my niece to be my partner in crime. I asked if she would be scared of me pretending to cry and was told that so long as she was explained it was make believe, it would be okay.
So the plan was set. And now it is ruined. I just hung up with my sister who returned to the mall today. I mentioned my plan to her once again. I was met with silence.
"Uh, you're not allowed to sit on Santa's lap anymore."
"What?"
"Yeah. There was a sign saying that adults were not allowed to sit on Santa's lap due to lawsuits."
I'm FURIOUS! So what's likely happened is that a few women thought it would be fun to sit on Santa's lap wearing short skirts and thigh highs, feel Old Saint Nick's boner and freak out? What do you expect you Christmas Grinches? These are men playing Santa! I don't know if it's the joy of Christmas or the lows of unemployment, but this is likely not they're number once choice of jobs. You're playing with the probability that Santa feels your bony ass on his knee and you're going to feel his candy cane! Deal with it or wear some sweats!
I can't believe it's gotten to this point. My plan is ruined! I can't sit on Santa's lap, and I'm feeling slightly devastated. My crying bit is ruined! And let's not forget my cheesiness of still secretly hoping that Santa is real and doesn't jack off (though it's good for the prostate). I'm speechless.
All of this after learning from my mom's boyfriend that there is a movement to get Santa to bellow, "Hah! Hah! Hah!" instead of "Ho! Ho! Ho!" because it's supposedly derogatory to...as they are saying...African American women. I didn't even know that the term "ho" was regulated only to one race. I always grew up knowing it just flat out meant you were a slut. And even in that, I never once thought that when Santa chuckled his mantra, that it means anyone was a whore. He was just jolly.
I'm sad. I'm sad for the fact that even Christmas has been attacked by PC-ness. I'm sad that I can't sit on Santa's lap and give a faux sob.
Who's the Grinch now?
