HEATHER FOR HUMANITY
I think I've found a way to save for my escape from North Carolina! It's beautiful, it's brilliant, AND it's fun and creative! And I owe it all to a cow, or at least talk of a teet.
Today was kind of a tense day. A day of waiting. So I tried to keep myself as busy as possible at work. I had much to do, but time dragged. I was emailing with some friends when the topic took a strange and interesting turn, as it so often does. One of my friends started talking about this organization where you can jointly sponsor a cow. You can apparently pay a certain amount and you own a certain percentage of this cow. He joked you could buy its teet, but sadly it's just a percentage, not a body part.
My mind took this and ran. I flashbacked to Sally Struthers in her old commercials for the Christian Children's Fund where you could sponsor a child in a third-world country. For a certain amount each month you could sponsor a child where your money would pay for their food and medical care. And to prove they weren't taking your money to the bar, they'd send you a picture of a kid sitting in dirt with flies on their face. This was the child you were sponsoring. Each month you'd receive a new picture, most likely without bugs on their face, and a status report "from your child". I'm assuming this means that a child says, "Thank you for the rice and bug repellent" in their native tongue and it is translated into English with crayon on a dried leaf.
As I reminisced about the old commercials, I put a picture of a cow in my head to replace the impoverished child. I giggled as I thought about receiving a hoof print each month with a picture of the cow eating grass or being milked. And as quickly as I flipped from the child to the cow, the picture flipped again in my mind and I knew my destiny! ME! I would let the world sponsor my body parts!
I post my "body" online and you pick a part you want to sponsor, then you pay your sponsorship fee! Each month you would receive a picture of the body part, along with an update on what's happened with that body part. What would a body part write? Let's see...
Dear Sponsor,
Thank you so much for your contribution! Since receiving your generous donation I have been thoroughly washed with Oil of Olay Body Wash every morning. Your contribution even allowed me to be moisturized! I was so dry and cracked prior. My host couldn't even afford to get the dirt off of me, but now with your help, I am clean and soft. The carpal tunnel is acting up though as I write this update, I can feel the shooting pain running up me. Sniffle. Please send more!
Oh. And I have a new freckle.
Thank you dear sponsor.
Love,
Right forearm
***********
Dear Sponsor,
Thank you for your generous donation! Today my host purchased Kleenex to purge the boogers out of me. It's been so long, and I've been so full. Without your help I would still be plugged up and full of snot. Your contribution has also allowed my host to upgrade her anti-wrinkle crème, and I can just feel the collagen kicking in! Soon I may be smooth of expression lines from years of my host wrinkling her nose in disgust. I keep telling her, "If you make that face long enough, it just might stay." And it has, but because of your help we are working towards wiping years off of me.
While your sponsorship has brought me a whole new life, think of how much better my life would be if I were reshaped! Nose jobs are expensive though. Maybe you could find it in your heart to bring me a new life; a life of a more face-appropriate nose? My host was once told you couldn't trust pointy-faced people, but that she was an exception to the rule. I don't want to be pointy anymore. Please help me live a life where people KNOW they can trust me by not being pointy.
Thank you again. I am enclosing a booger from myself as proof of where your money is going.
Love and deviated septums,
Nose
It would be awesome! So let's start! Let me know if you want to sponsor a body part, and you too could help my parts live a better, more fulfilling life. Each month you will receive your letter updating you on my part's life, along with a new picture. Parts listed below.
Today was kind of a tense day. A day of waiting. So I tried to keep myself as busy as possible at work. I had much to do, but time dragged. I was emailing with some friends when the topic took a strange and interesting turn, as it so often does. One of my friends started talking about this organization where you can jointly sponsor a cow. You can apparently pay a certain amount and you own a certain percentage of this cow. He joked you could buy its teet, but sadly it's just a percentage, not a body part.
My mind took this and ran. I flashbacked to Sally Struthers in her old commercials for the Christian Children's Fund where you could sponsor a child in a third-world country. For a certain amount each month you could sponsor a child where your money would pay for their food and medical care. And to prove they weren't taking your money to the bar, they'd send you a picture of a kid sitting in dirt with flies on their face. This was the child you were sponsoring. Each month you'd receive a new picture, most likely without bugs on their face, and a status report "from your child". I'm assuming this means that a child says, "Thank you for the rice and bug repellent" in their native tongue and it is translated into English with crayon on a dried leaf.
As I reminisced about the old commercials, I put a picture of a cow in my head to replace the impoverished child. I giggled as I thought about receiving a hoof print each month with a picture of the cow eating grass or being milked. And as quickly as I flipped from the child to the cow, the picture flipped again in my mind and I knew my destiny! ME! I would let the world sponsor my body parts!
I post my "body" online and you pick a part you want to sponsor, then you pay your sponsorship fee! Each month you would receive a picture of the body part, along with an update on what's happened with that body part. What would a body part write? Let's see...
Dear Sponsor,
Thank you so much for your contribution! Since receiving your generous donation I have been thoroughly washed with Oil of Olay Body Wash every morning. Your contribution even allowed me to be moisturized! I was so dry and cracked prior. My host couldn't even afford to get the dirt off of me, but now with your help, I am clean and soft. The carpal tunnel is acting up though as I write this update, I can feel the shooting pain running up me. Sniffle. Please send more!
Oh. And I have a new freckle.
Thank you dear sponsor.
Love,
Right forearm
***********
Dear Sponsor,
Thank you for your generous donation! Today my host purchased Kleenex to purge the boogers out of me. It's been so long, and I've been so full. Without your help I would still be plugged up and full of snot. Your contribution has also allowed my host to upgrade her anti-wrinkle crème, and I can just feel the collagen kicking in! Soon I may be smooth of expression lines from years of my host wrinkling her nose in disgust. I keep telling her, "If you make that face long enough, it just might stay." And it has, but because of your help we are working towards wiping years off of me.
While your sponsorship has brought me a whole new life, think of how much better my life would be if I were reshaped! Nose jobs are expensive though. Maybe you could find it in your heart to bring me a new life; a life of a more face-appropriate nose? My host was once told you couldn't trust pointy-faced people, but that she was an exception to the rule. I don't want to be pointy anymore. Please help me live a life where people KNOW they can trust me by not being pointy.
Thank you again. I am enclosing a booger from myself as proof of where your money is going.
Love and deviated septums,
Nose
It would be awesome! So let's start! Let me know if you want to sponsor a body part, and you too could help my parts live a better, more fulfilling life. Each month you will receive your letter updating you on my part's life, along with a new picture. Parts listed below.
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