I'm not quite sure what's going on, but I think some sort of transformation has begun. I was sitting here doing some writing, when I realized I was smiling. Smiling alone! I mean sure smiling is common for me, but more when I have some weird, funny thought in my head that self-entertains or when I'm around people. To be honest I'm kind of scared of people who smile for no reason. There was this girl who some of you have heard about, who was my nemesis growing up and she did that. She would walk through the halls at school, smiling for no reason and I would stare at her in horror as if she were walking around naked with balloons tied to her nipples. It really kind of terrified me.
I've spent most of my life quite moody and I would cringe at the thought of being one of those people who walked around all happy and content. I lived in Seattle for Pete's sake! We're supposed to be moody and angst-ridden. We were trying to stay dry! We were trying to survive in a city that was growing increasingly pricey thanks to Mr. Bill Gates! Kurt Cobain killed himself and we wept because we had no Speaker of Our House! We had an angst-ridden reputation to live up to, damnit. I will never forget this one night a few years ago when April, Lynna and I were out for a girls' night. Lynna was from San Diego and brought up how women in California bond over positive things - "I love your hair!" "Your skirt is so cute!" And then she moved to Seattle and realized that women bond over crappy shit. "Fuck Starbucks and their corporate ways!" "She actually started badmouthing so-and-so, and I just wasn't having it!" April and I sat there and looked at each other in shock. Holy shit! It was totally true! I mean most of my friendships were not built this way. Many started that I couldn't stand the person and then one night we started talking and I realized my first impression was totally wrong, and that the person was incredible and I couldn't believe we hadn't been soulmate friends from birth. As I got older, many were instantaneous, but some definitely started out of bonding over our pissiness for certain things. I was NOT the girl who smiled while walking down the street like my nemesis.
Now don't get me wrong; I was often a very happy, excitable person. I have always loved my friends. I have always loved meeting new people. I'm always down for a new adventure! However with my happiness, I was always balanced by bouts of sadness and moodiness. I've inquired to many a friend and therapist, as to whether that meant I was bipolar, but I was always told no. Good enough for me!
I figure it's just the Libra in me...good with the bad balancing themselves out to make a fairly decent okayness in life. Things were often dark, and things were often bright. With light is dark. With good is evil. It made sense to me and I was willing to accept it. Yet something has changed in the last few years. I don't know if it's coming out the other side of the darkest piece of my life a few years back, or if it's growing up, but whatever it is I'm getting smiley even when I'm alone. I'm feeling optimism...about myself! As Owen would say, "What the?" While in the past this would terrify me, I have decided to simply remind myself that I will NEVER be a creepy cheerleader/sorority girl type (Whew!) and that it's okay to smile alone. In fact, I'm kind of really frickin' content and happy. And I think it's okay...dare I say good (?) to feel this. I think it's that whole "with age comes wisdom" or "you come into yourself in your 30's" or "people are like fine wine...they get better with age." It could be any number of these sayings, and to be honest I don't care. I just know that I really love my life. You may laugh at that thinking, "She's in some strange town in North Carolina she hates. She's 35, single and childless. Her face is starting to look like a road map!" Thing is, there have been good things about North Carolina and I'm heading to a new, extremely positive adventure soon. I am single and childless, but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be, and it's provided me with a nomad life I've enjoyed most of the time and have plenty of stories and friendships from. And yeah, I have wrinkles I never used to have, but it shows I'm been shocked, grossed out, and laughed my ass off in this life. For that I am eternally grateful for...even if I have to wear it.
Life is really good, if not possibly fucking amazing! I have the best friends anyone could ever fathom...friends of the truest heart. Friends that I know distance will never impose upon the quality of what is there. I have an amazing family. I've seen and experienced a lot…good and bad. I've had amazing adventures; I've learned; I've grown; and I've peed my pants many, many times. I think it's pretty damned good, and I'm realizing why I'm smiling alone quite often lately. And the thing is, I know it's just going to keep getting better. I realize that Seattle girl bonding over depressing shit is now just some real person who loves and appreciates someone from the get go.
Wow. Okay, so all of this was meant as some New Year's "Woo-Hoo!" wish thing and turned into a "Life Rocks! Woo-Hoo!" thing. Shit. Maybe I AM having some bouts of scary cheerleader/sorority girl? I'm going to pretend not and continue.
All of this meant to prelude my New Year's message. I love New Year's. It's one of my favorite holidays. I know that in all honesty it's just another day with a different year, but I refuse to accept that as much as I still refuse to accept the slight inkling that maybe, just maybe, Santa is real. I think New Year's is a time to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. It's a time where we all can vow to make this year even better; to hopefully manifest our hopes and dreams; to quit smoking; to get in shape. It holds so much promise! And if those things only happen for a day, a week or a month, they still happen. And if they never happen, you just carry it forward into next year. If it never happens, at least it's good we thought it, right? We're all taught that life is about striving for the things we want, but if we already have what is important, everything else is just accoutrements...decorative pleasure.
So with that, I wish you all a beautiful new year full of adventures, love, laughter, and appreciation for what already exists. If you don't already think that life is good, it might just be a matter of perspective. Maybe you just need to cross your eyes slightly to see the glow that extends beyond the tangible.
Wishing you all a beautiful 2008! I just know it's going to be a good year.
Much love and mooshy goo to y'all!
Heather McD
