DIARY OF A MEDICINALLY-INFUSED SOON TO BE EX-SMOKER

As some of you are already aware, I am now a participating member in the latest rage for smokers trying to quit...Chantix. For those unfamiliar with Chantix, here's the lowdown on it from their website.

How does CHANTIX work?

CHANTIX may reduce your urge to smoke. It contains no nicotine. You may wonder how a non-nicotine pill could help you quit smoking. Well, first, you have to know how nicotine works.

There are receptors for nicotine in your brain. When you smoke, the nicotine you inhale attaches to these receptors. This sends a message to a different part of your brain to release a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine gives you a feeling of pleasure. But it does not last long. That's why your body craves more nicotine. This can become a vicious cycle.

Based on research, it is believed that CHANTIX helps keep nicotine from reaching key receptors in the brain. It's the only prescription treatment of its kind.

So yeah, I'm taking pills to block my nicotine receptors. I know quite a few people who have quit using it. It's been suggested to me, so I finally decided to give it a shot. You take a small dose for three days, then take that small dose for four days twice a day. You continue to smoke for those first seven days. On the eighth day you quit smoking and increase your dosage twice a day. I'm on day five right now. It started out okay, but I'm now starting to notice changes. They're not necessarily the greatest, and may be worse because I finally bit the bullet and also started the pill because this last period had me so dizzy I couldn't drive, not to mention I was shaking violently and in my usual horrible pain. So yeah, I'm full of hormones and nicotine-blocking receptors. I'm a total party.

So in all this, I decided to document my Chantix journey. Time to catch up to my fifth day.

DAY 1 - Thursday
I have been warned by a few people to make sure to take it with a good amount of food or else you will get really nauseous, even vomit. I make myself a turkey, no-fat cheese omelet and eat it. Immediately after, I take my first .5 mg of Chantix. I go through my day and it's no big deal. In addition to the nausea warning, I am forewarned about the crazy dreams. I had this when I did the patch in the past and figure it's no big deal. My dreams are pretty crazy to begin with. I go to bed.

DAY 2 - Friday
Holy shit! That dream was awesome! As soon as my alarm goes off, I am sad. I don't want to wake up. I liked the life I was living in my dream. It wasn't crazy at all! In fact, I think the Chantix balances out the insane dreams I typically have, and just creates a peaceful existence. In my dream it was simply just living a really chill, peaceful life. And I had a better nose and was in better shape. I went to a friend's wedding and danced and danced with all my friends. We laughed and toasted the unknown bride and groom. I was living in a place that I've never been to. It was beautiful. The houses were older and a combination of cabins and cottages. It was kind of artsy and hippie-ish, my preferred type of place to live. I would walk in the snow to this house, which had been converted into a coffee shop, and hang out with my friends. Some of the friends were known and some unknown. We'd talk and laugh and sip our warm goodness. Months went by and I was happy. Not an excited happy, but a very content happiness...the kind of happiness you get when you're cozy being in the middle of a relationship. With time the snow melted, the green came out and I laid on a blanket on a hill of very tall grass and smiled as the sun warmed my face. My friends, a couple, were laughing and talking to each other. People were milling about and then George Clooney came and sat down on our blanket and started playing the guitar. A slight breeze whipped my hair about and I rolled over onto my stomach and put my face in my arms and smiled. It was this calm joy I can't explain, but it consumed every ounce of my being. And then the alarm woke me up.

The dream stayed with me throughout the day and made me feel so good. I told a couple of my friends that I decided I liked the Chantix just off this dream alone. In fact I liked it so much that I would volunteer my body to be put into a Chantix-induced coma so I could continue this type of dreaming. I'm hoping that this is what the afterlife is like...just another life in a parallel universe, but really beautiful and peaceful and natural.

Besides the dream, the only thing I really notice changing is that my mouth is really dry. I'm drinking water like crazy! I take my .5 mg with breakfast.

DAY 3 - Saturday
I wake up from another amazing dream! In this one I owned a circus and was the ringmaster. I was myself, but had long, blonde hair and obviously was tanner since blonde washes me out. I wore a top hat EVERYWHERE. Didn't matter what I wore, I was always wearing that damned top hat! And my outfits? They were crazy and flashy...glitzy bustiers, whips, all sorts of junk. And no, I was not a dominatrix...I was definitely a ringmaster/circus owner. I would travel the world looking for "freaks" and performers. I met amazing people and had incredible adventures! It actually reminded me a lot of the movie Big Fish. I was once again disappointed to wake up.

I make my coffee and eat a bowl of cereal. As soon as I'm done with my cereal I take my .5 mg pill. Today was different than the other days though. I feel cloudy in my mind. I don't feel grumpy or anything. Just cloudy in thought.

It's been two weeks since I've had a day off, and my apartment looks it. I clean the shit out of my kitchen and start picking up stuff and packing up laundry to do tomorrow. I go to the gym and workout. I feel really jittery after my workout. My legs don't feel connected to my body, but not in a troublesome way, just bizarre. It's slightly strange, entertaining and arousing all wrapped up into one feeling.

I drive to Charlotte to go to my friend's boyfriend's birthday potluck. I feel out of sorts and am not sure if it's the people I don't know that are pretty uninviting at first, or if it's the meds. Things warm up with some people after a while and soon we're laughing and I'm cozy sitting on a futon with my friends laughing over the poo and pee garments I have purchased. I still don't quite feel like myself though. Or maybe it's that I'm not drinking in a social situation? I'm not sure what the deal is with drinking and taking this stuff, so I'm staying away from it for now. I may do a beer test at some point.

I leave at 10, exhausted and my belly feeling like the rhea might hit. No rhea at the party! I am nervous for my hour drive home and decide I will just give in and blow at one of the two rest areas on my way home if need be. Better a dirty rest stop than the party! I make it home without the rhea. My belly feels way better. It is my best friend's birthday party back home and I call and get to hear all about the gifts she's opening, who is there and such. They put me on speaker and set me in the center of the table where people begin to yell that Boston sucks. I am now sad. I wish I could be there, and it's beyond difficult to not just run back home to my safety and comfort and joys of my amazing friendships there, but I have to venture forward. My head hurts again and I lay down to sleep. It's 11:30 and my thoughts are racing. Finally it goes black.

DAY 4 - Sunday
Hmmmm. The dreams are changing up a bit. Tonight there were three. The first one I dreamt that my ex-husband called me, but in my dream I thought we were still married. He told me he found a great house he was interested in and he wanted me to look at it. We were still living in Washington and the house was in Issaquah. I said I'd go check it out right then. He gives me directions and I find this odd, little house nestled in the trees. I go in and it's a charming kind of old and interesting, but the rooms are tiny and odd-shaped. I'm walking about when I hear people walk in. It's my husband and his current wife. I am confused. I stare at Jacob and Emily and am trying to piece everything together.

"Are we not married?" I ask. He tells me no, that he and Emily are and I start to remember that we are divorced and that he IS remarried. I feel like an idiot. I ask why he wanted me to check out the house, and he tells me he wanted my opinion on whether or not I liked it for them. I wake up. It's 5 AM and my head is in horrible pain. I roll over and go back to sleep.

I can't remember the second dream anymore. The third was fun. I spent the day with my niece, Kylee and we went to this musical playground in a cafe type place. They had turned the bodies of old classic cars into music stations with keyboards, drums, etc. We ran around giggling and playing, and had so much fun! And then I woke up and realized combined, that I'd slept eleven hours.

I am cranky today. My head is killing me and I'm homesick. I also have a lot to do. Today I go to .5 mg in the morning and at night. I eat and take my pill. I do a deep clean on the rest of my apartment minus the bathroom. This will have to wait, as I need to go to my mom's to do laundry and there's a lot to wash. My best friend calls and fills me in on her party. An hour later we hang up and I head to my mom's. She's at her boyfriend's until late, so I workout on her treadmill and watch a bunch of episode of A Haunting, which always scares the crap out of me. I do six hours of laundry and it grows darks. I want to go home. I'm freaked out. My head isn't thinking as clearly lately and I'm in the country. I start loading up laundry into my car and run from the house to the car, careful to look both ways for werewolves. I know it may sound like dogs, but after the shit I've been watching, I'm convinced it's werewolves.

I get home around 9 and quickly eat something so I can take my second pill. I spend time putting away all my laundry and watch the second episode of Extreme Home Makeover. I cry as I watch it as usual, because I realize I need to be more grateful for the simple things in life. At 10 I am tired and turn off the lights. My mind races and panics for what seems like forever. I'm trying to decipher if this is the medicine or all that's on my plate right now? There is a couple arguing somewhere out in my parking lot. They are SO loud and this is not quieting my mind. An hour later they are still yelling at each other. I am on the verge of tears out of frustration. I just want to sleep, and I don't understand why people are always screaming at each around this place. It's messed up! I then get angry. Wicked angry (I did it Sara! I used it correctly!). Throwing back my covers, I pull on my pajama bottoms and storm out the door onto my balcony. With every ounce that my tired ass can muster, I scream at the top of my lungs, "SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPP!"

The yelling stops. I walk back in and shut my door.

"Bitch, YOU shut the fuck up!" And the yelling continues. Another neighbor, taking my lead, screams something about calling the cops. This stops them. I lay back down, shaking. Finally the sleep washes over me.

DAY 5 - Monday
I am no longer enjoying the dreams. There were three again. I wake up in between each one. I cannot remember the details of all of them nor want to, as I do recall they were all about past men and relationships. It was all horrible and heartbreaking. I remember at one point yelling at one of my exes, "I know this isn't you! You're not this person!" and I began to rotate his head with my hands because I knew there was a different face on the back of his head. And his head was freely rotating as my hands turned it. I woke up feeling really icky and creeped out.

I dragged myself out of bed. I was exhausted! I got in the shower and just wanted to lay down and let the water keep me warm and go back to bed in the tub. I only dried my bangs and put on mascara. I honestly just didn't give a shit about how I looked. I was too tired and I felt disgusting and sad from my dreams. It blows me away how something like revisiting old pains in your dreams, can hit you so hard once you wake up. I have been in anything less than a pleasant mood.

I am so nauseous. As I commute to work, I have to stop at a gas station for a Ginger-Ale because the nausea is bad. I haven't even taken my pill yet. I was going to wait to take it with my oatmeal at work. I sip the Ginger-Ale and savor every sip. I am off kilter all day. I feel like I can't smile, and when I do it's really forced. My mom suggests maybe I hold off on the Chantix until I get the birth control settled into my system. I assume she figures this one is more important because of the years of complications I've had with my period. I tell her I can't, that I have to quit smoking and I will do this.

I force myself to eat lunch today. The day drags. I want to go home so bad. I want to sleep. I want Thai food. That's the only thing in the world that sounds good to me. I call in for take-out and pick up my dinner on my way home. It is pure heaven in my mouth! I feel the closest thing to glee I can feel today. I decide that with Thai food it's the perfect time to test a beer. I finish my food and take my pills after I eat. It's 9 PM? Where did the night go? Organizing paperwork and emailing with friends apparently. Oh my god, I hate this! I feel boring! I can't laugh on my own! I think I am....numb? Ewwww. This better get better.

Wow. I've been sitting here staring at my computer for a bit. Tony called and I managed to laugh, but as soon as I hung, my face went blank again. It's almost like something a robot would do. I'm wondering if this medicine is really some government plot to create cyborgs? They know if they can aim this "quit smoking" medication at all the desperate smokers wanting to quit, they would have enough to create their cyborg army. That's it! Okay, now I'm wondering if I should just welcome my cyborg transition and hope that I won't smoke as a cyborg, or actually get some human nature back in me and go off this stuff? Or maybe I shouldn't be having this beer on this medication?