GOODBYE TO LOON

Well, I had my final straw with the Chantix. I was weaning myself off to avoid what I'd read could end up much scarier than what I'd encountered ON it, but then some things happened that made me realized, screw the weaning! Get off this shit.

No, it wasn't the suicidal thoughts that I've managed to keep inside until recently in my Chantix covert operation. No, it wasn't the fantasies of physically hurting and emotionally ruining people. It wasn't the sleep that didn't truly sleep. It wasn't what has become a constant need for wine to suppress the ongoing headache from this stuff. It wasn't the admission the other night to my mom and sister that I'd decided if I were to ever be a serial killer that I would cut off my victim's noses and wear them in the privacy of my own home (something that sounded funny to me lieu of a nose job, but was met with horrified looks). It wasn't the lack of hygiene I'd developed in part because I no longer cared, and partially because I kept forgetting and then I'd realize I hadn't washed my hair in five days. It wasn't the appetite of an elephant, which I at least have to say surprises the hell out of me that I've only gained five pounds because I basically ate a small town's-worth of food in the last few weeks. And it's not the violent shaking I encounter when I don't eat every few hours. The things that pushed me over the edge were the memory lapses.

Memory lapses? Yes. I think this is like the smoker's version of Ambien, but you aren't doing things while asleep. You're apparently awake and time is blacked out or hazy. I've had episodes of this for a few weeks where my nights are hazy and I can't tell you what I did minus the fact that I ended up laying in bed. Then it started happening at work where I was working on something and all of a sudden it was 15 minutes later and I swore I'd done whatever and there it sat. I can't quite confirm if this was a true lapse or just the hazy. And then three episodes occurred that scared the shit out of me.

SCARY SHIT #1 - On Monday night I was with my mom and sister to take care of a mission. After that mission was accomplished, we went out to eat and get my mother a drink. For some reason I wanted fried food. I don't eat fried food typically, but the only thing that could bring me a slight piece of true happiness, which I'd lacked for over a month, were fried chicken fingers, which I typically find repulsive. The next morning I woke up with the faint recollection of screaming about "the rhea" and moaning on the phone about it to my friend Tony. Did I call him? I have a feeling I did. Why did I call him on my hiatus? I cannot remember for the life of me. Why was I screaming about diarrhea? Well I got it BAD when I got home, and can only assume I felt it coming. But still, why would I call someone to scream about diarrhea? Sure I will discuss this stuff AFTER it happens? But to yell at someone about it? Beforehand? This was alarming.

SCARY SHIT #2 - I found garbage in the drawer with my oven mitts. I've had this incessant craving for pizza and wine on Chantix and have succumbed many a night (and no, the wine has not been matching up with the incidents of memory lapses). So last night I go to grab a potholder and find cheese and pizza plastic wrap in the drawer. What the fuck? I have put cereal in the fridge or milk in the cupboard by mistake, but I know where the garbage goes.

SCARY SHIT #3 - I ordered a CD in a memory lapse last night. How do I know this? Amazon sent me confirmation of my order that I found this morning. And no, I wasn't hacked. It was a CD I'd been wanting for a long time. This was kind of the final straw for me. And looking back at it all, it's kind of ridiculous that this outweighs suicidal tendencies. However, missing time.... bad. Scary. I am sitting there alive, but is everyone else? I'm trying to remember last night and I know I watched a movie and guided my mom via phone from being lost in Greensboro. Other than that, I'm not sure what I did. I mean I now know I ordered one of The Weepies CD's, but I have no recollection of doing this. And while I'm grateful it's music I like, I wonder what else I did in my memory lapse. I keep thinking about that movie where Ashley Judd is a cop and she blacks out and next thing you know her ex-lovers are washing up on shore pummeled to death. Could I have pummeled someone?

So with the final three scary shitness in addition to the fact I've been living in a very evil fun house in my brain for the last few weeks (and maybe scarier that I learned to fake my reality for some time) I am going off Chantix cold turkey. I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. Chad brought up a valid point that I just might have a new couch on the way. What if I do? I've got to sell my current couch for Pete's sake! Maybe I bought a mail-order groom? Or an expensive vibrator? Or....gasp...a pony? Oh god, I'm screwed if I bought a pony. I can work with the other shit, but not the pony. He'd have to hang out in my ravine next to that couch that got dumped last year by the neighbors, which the stray cat resides on.

So I stopped.

Not one iota of Chantix entered my body today, nor is it permitted in this vessel EVER again! There is not much difference minus the horrible headache I get when I take the medication, is lessened. I haven't wanted to die today and I haven't screamed at anyone. I had some weird shock pains in my kidney area and my boobs, but feelings of electrocution beat the fucked-up circus I've had going on in my brain. I'm watching the unexpected snowfall outside my window and am listening to the last Long Winters CD over and over (it makes me happy whenever I hear their music no matter my mood...I even danced for 30 seconds in the dark to it). I will get off this crap and continue not to smoke (I have a month on the 17th). And I vow I will do so without driving off a cliff, or pushing anyone else off it.

And those interested in knowing it's not just me, here are some articles on it that friends have sent me.

http://nymag.com/news/features/43892/index3.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22955040/