So it's not THAT kind of "private dick". I haven't been snooping about secretly investigating anything. Instead I've been carrying around a little something I keep forgetting about that led me to a bit of embarrassment. I know what you might be thinking, but no, it's not that. Let me explain.
It started about a month ago when I was at Tony and Chris' home watching Lost. I conked out on the couch and woke up to flash photography. I growled at Tony as I saw him taking pictures of me in what can only be described as an Al Bundy pose. No hand down my pants, but the kind of pose where I'm slunched back, jaw becoming one with the back of my head creating a lovely double chin (later did I learn it was more of a double face). He laughed and I turned to look at Chris who was shaking his head at Tony. I started to sit up when I felt stuff moving about my front torso. That's when I realized I was covered in naked man porn playing cards. The cards were a gift from my ex-husband to Tony when he came out. It's bad enough that the cards contained pictures of men with boners hanging out the fly of their daisy duke cutoffs, but these cards were apparently also taken in the early 80's. As I looked down I saw I was covered in mullets, moustaches and boners. Now Tony has a couple of lovely double faced me covered in 80's male porn. I knew this was Karma getting me back for taking pictures of my ex-sister-in-law's friend passed out at my old house with a Playboy centerfold of triplets sprawled across her. Damn Karma.
The next day I was at work looking for something in my purse when I found that Tony had slipped one particularly heinous porn card into my purse. Did I toss it out? No. Instead I put it in my secret zipper pouch so that when I shared the story of me sleeping, covered in porn cards, I could exclaim, "And I was covered in THIS!" and whip out the man with the boner and Karate Kid haircut.
I keep forgetting this card is in my secret zipper pouch. It's become one of my toothbrush, toothpaste, inhaler and nicotine lozenges in that pouch. I forgot about that card until it reappeared in a very inconvenient place on Friday.
Last month I also got my first speeding ticket in 17 years. This was a result of driving my boss/friends' turbo-charged Mercedes and thinking I was going much slower than I really was. I explained to the cop I wasn't used to the car and had just moved back and wasn't familiar with this road. He didn't care. I smarted off about what a great way it was to be welcomed back to Washington. I requested that I go to mitigation. I figured I was going that fast since Officer Portly said so, and I would hope he was an honest cop (though a stupid one in running in front of my car pointing his radar gun at me). My court date was this last Friday and I made my way to the Bellevue Courthouse for my mitigation hearing. I walked into the courthouse and was reminded that I had to go through security.
I set my purse down on the counter and walked through the metal detector. I then walked over to the table where an older Vietnamese man began rummaging through my purse. I was hoping that my nicotine lozenges and allergy medicine were okay by Bellevue Courthouse standards (you never know with Bellevue). Then I saw him unzip the little pocket in my purse and start to pull out something I forgot was in there...the porn playing card. Shit!
It was like slow motion. I stood there, eyes bulging, jaw dropped, not breathing as I watched him pull out the card and turn it around so he could see it properly. As he flipped the car over, the blonde man with the Karate Kid haircut and jeans cutoffs with the boner hanging out the fly came into view. The man on the card seemed to smiling in a way that said, "Hey Mr. Security Man. You want some of this?" The security guy gasped and his eyes bugged out, head snapping back. His face obviously responded back to the porn man, "NO! Go away Mr. 80's Man! No wax on or off!"
He quickly shoved the card back into the zipper pouch, zipped it as tightly as he could and handed me my purse without looking at me. I was convinced I could have had a handgun in there and he would have let it pass through at that point. Dropping my head in shame I took the purse from the man I had tainted with 80's porn and took a seat and started to read my book. And then I giggled, and giggled and giggled. I got some weird looks, but I figured the other violators of the law would simply think I was laughing at my book. I looked up and saw the man who discovered my purse secret, leave. Was his shift over, or was he taking off early to go home and take a shower to wash off the filth of a 1984 erection? I will never know, but I know that I found a strange satisfaction of disrupting, that which is Bellevue law.
