Long distance relationships can be tough. You miss the hell out of each other in general. You miss looking at them when you talk. You miss holding their hand and looking into their eyes. You miss seeing the way they look when they laugh along with you. You miss even the simple things like kissing each other good morning, or walking to the car together. You miss everything about them. While my boyfriend and I miss these things about being together, we both have found it to be surprisingly easy for the most part because we just absolutely love each other and know it's worth the wait until I get moved out there. We also talk, text and email all the time, which helps.
And in addition to all these things missed, there's sex. Now, I can go a long time without sex when I'm single. Hell, I did so for two and a half years! Of course I wasn't in love with someone from the bottom of my soul back then. So now here I am, having found the man I want to spend my life with and whom I never thought existed for me, and I can't even hump him. It's like having a plate of your favorite food served to you, taking one bite so you taste it, and it's going to stay in you for a bit, and then the waiter runs up, throws it across the room and says, "Sorry dear. You have to come back next month for the rest of it. We made it extra heavy so it will stick in your gut for a while though."
So in order to make the best of a 3,000 mile gap between us and our genitalia, we incorporated phone sex (with each other of course) a while back. Many of my friends claim to have never done this, but I like to pretend they're lying and are just embarrassed about it. Of course being as open and mouthy as I am, I fully admit to it. Now, if you've ever had phone sex you will surely understand it can be kind of funny and awkward at first. The first time we did so, we were cracking up afterwards. I mean, you're taking a former Mormon and a former Catholic, both brought up to believe this is no bueno in the first place, but obviously haven't listened to that most of their lives. Tthen make them talk dirty to each other on their cell phones. It's kind of funny at first, but once we got over the initial awkwardness, it became fun. I've joked around at times that when I visit this weekend, I'm going to be so programmed to think this is how you have sex, I'm going to have to call him from another room just to be intimate. It makes me laugh because it reminds me of one of the crazy perceptions of sex that a kid might have.
"Timmy? Where do you think babies come from?"
"Oh, I totally know this. First the mommy makes a phone call to the daddy. Then they say lots of words we're not allowed to use. Then those words collide and go into the mommy's belly and makes a baby. The mommy chokes on the baby words, and the daddy's voice hurts from yelling them, and then they both get really quiet and go to sleep."
"Huh. I thought they were made through the belly button."
So now you're wondering why the hell I'm writing about this, right? Well here's the thing, there's something that complicates the process, and that thing is AT&T. We both have the same service and free calls to each other, which has been great since it saves us tons of money on what would otherwise be an astronomical phone bill. The problem? The service sucks. Our calls in general drop often and when they don't drop, one of us either cuts out or ends up sounding like a Wookie. I mean seriously folks, I have no other option during the distance phase of this relationship except to do this, so it's important to me. While all of you can romp face-to-face, others (being us) are not granted that luxury for now. So to help you understand the situation better, I'm going to put it into a scenario that would give you empathy rather sympathy. Please note I'm going to try to do this without getting too crude, which you know is difficult for me.
Let's imagine you are with the one you love and want to show them, just how much you love them, but you were each born with a serious immune deficiency and have to live in a bubble. And let's imagine that bubble to be like Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy, versus John Travolta in Boy In The Bubble Boy. I have to note this because I picture the bubble more like a hamster ball rather than a plastic room.
Okay, so you and your love are feeling all randy, and want to get it on so you roll towards the bedroom and start removing your clothes. However, once you get into the bedroom, it's not big enough to have your bubbles side-by-side because there's a large bed in the room. A very tall bed that neither of you can get up on because you live in a ball and the bed is too high to just charge at and roll up on. So one of you stays on one side of the bed and the other has to roll their bubble to the other side of the bed where there is room for them. Problem is, now you can't even see each other! So you both realize that while the bubbles automatically set the deal that you can't actually have sex, you at least expected to be able to watch each other take care of business, but no. No you can't. There is a large bed in the way.
So as one bubble person rolls to the other side of the bed, they shout (because you have to shout in bubbles), "Don't worry, honey! We'll just talk each other through it and it will be like I'm there!" So you both lie down in your bubbles and try to take care of business, while pretending your love is with you. All starts out well. It's kind of muted, but you're both saying great things to each other and it's awesome! But as you're moving about in the bubble, the rubber ball you live in starts to make rubber ball noises and you can't hear the other person that well.
Bubble Boy: "And I'm going to (squeaky-squeaky) you with (thud-thud-squeaky-squeaky)."
Bubble Girl: "What?"
Bubble Boy: "I SAID I'm going to (squeaky-squeaky) you with (thud-thud-squeaky-squeaky)."
Bubble Girl: "Oh honey, I can't hear you over the ball noises."
Bubble Boy: "I'M GOING TO (SQUEAKY-SQUEAKY) YOU WITH (WER-HER-WER-HER-THUD-THUD-THUD)."
Bubble Girl: "FUCK! I can't hear ANYTHING you're saying!"
You keep on talking, but now a Wookie walks into the room and starts watching.
Bubble Girl: "Oh honey, yeah. Yeah, do..."
Wookie: "Drrrrrrrrlllll. Arrrrrrrrrr."
Bubble Girl: "Is that a Wookie, honey?"
Bubbly Boy: "Yes punkin, it is. I'm afraid he thinks I'm a toy. Shit! He's bouncing me now."
Bubble Girl: "But I'm SO close! Almost there! Almost..."
And the damned Wookie dribbles your Bubble Boy right out the bedroom door. Bubble Girl gets up in her human hamster ball and goes running after him and the Wookie. Alas, by the time you find him in the living room, alone since the Wookie got hungry and left, you're both all done. So all you can do is laugh and remember that someday there will be a cure for your ailment that will lead you both to live bubble-free lives.
And that, my friends, is phone sex with AT&T. Their old tag line used to be, "Talk Is Good." Yeah? Well, dear AT&T, talk is good, but sex is better.
